3
"Aika, paano gumawa ng Spotify playlist?" I asked my eldest daughter who was currently having breakfast with me. Tricia was still on duty and Jill was in New York for work kaya kaming dalawa lang ni Aika.
"Bakit, Ma? Sawa ka na ba sa old school CDs mo sa car?" She replied jokingly.
"Oo. Sabi ni Bryce gumawa daw ako para hindi kami palipat-lipat nang radio channel kapag ayaw ko no'ng kanta eh."
"Ang choosy mo kasi, Ma! Pero here, I'll show you how."
For my third gift, I thought about giving Risa a playlist. Random thought ko lang 'to ulit but I suddenly remembered na when we were in Hong Kong, she often played her favorite songs habang nagpapahinga kami.
I don't remember all of them but I remember most. Lalo na 'yung mga kanta na she sang along to. Isa sa mga weakness ko 'yung boses niya kapag kumakanta kasi she sounds so angelic.
Aika left for work and I left for mine. Since maaga pa naman, I decided to finish up the playlist. Ang kaso, I don't know how to give it to her. Buti na lang, dumating na si Bryce kaya I asked him how to send the playlist anonymously.
Instead of answering my question, he asked, "Para kay Sen. Risa po ba 'to?"
"Oo." I replied shyly.
"Swerte naman ni Sen. Risa. Pinag-eeffortan ng presidente ng Pilipinas."
I blushed when I realized na para akong nanliligaw kay Risa. Hindi nga lang niya alam na ako 'yun.
Bryce fixed the playlist and told me na through QR code ko na lang i-send para mas anonymous. We printed the paper and I told him na tatawagin ko na lang siya ulit kapag ipapadala ko na.
I took out another purple envelope from my drawer and placed the QR code inside. Tapos nag-umpisa na akong magsulat ng letter.
To the ever beautiful Ana Theresia, I wrote.
3 more days before your birthday. I hope you know how much brighter the world is with you in it.
Taking the previous years into consideration, aside from being my constant and bliss, Risa made my world a lot brighter and a lot easier to live in. She's bright like the color yellow.
The other paper contains a QR code, scan it and you'll see what I have for you. I explained and held back a laugh, imagining her confused face kapag nakita niya 'yung code without any context.
I finished the letter off with a little motivation for the day since maaga pa. Don't let anything bring you down :)
I kissed the back of the note again and sealed the envelope. Tinawag ko na ulit si Bryce para siya na 'yung magpadala sa office ni Risa.
"Tandaan mo ha, bawal malaman ni Risa na that's from me. Obvious naman na marerecognize nila na staff kita kaya sabihin mo na lang na 'wag silang maingay."
"Okay, okay, noted po." Bryce looked like a giddy kid. Hawak niya 'yung envelope at kulang na lang tumalon siya sa excitement.
"Ang saya mo today." I remarked.
"Wala lang po, kinikilig lang ako sa inyo ni Sen. Risa. Para kayong high school students eh."
True naman, daig ko pa nga ata ang mga high school students sa ginagawa kong 'to.
"Sige na, dalhin mo na 'yan. 'Yung sinabi ko kanina 'wag mo kalimutan ha."
He nodded and I started to work as soon as he left.
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Natapos ako nang maaga sa work and as much as gusto ko na mas marami pa ang magawa, I knew I had to take the time to rest. So I told my staff na mag-mall muna ako. Bryce, together with another one from my staff tagged along for security purposes.
I didn't expect to see Risa there. Pumasok siya sa National Book Store wearing her earphones and I knew she was listening to the playlist I made. I mean, I didn't know for sure pero a girl can dream, right?
Wala rin akong PSG masyado na kasama kasi napag-usapan na naming na ayaw ko nang gano'n. "Pwede niyo ba akong iwan saglit? Puntahan ko lang si Sen. Risa doon." This was how we worked. I let them do their jobs and they gave me space whenever I asked.
"Sige po, Ma'am. We'll trail behind you na lang po paglabas niyo dito."
I smiled kindly at them, told my staff to do the same and went inside. I hope she's alone so we can spend time together.
Hinanap ko si Risa and I poked her arm when I found her. Tatawagin ko sana pangalan niya kaso hindi naman niya ako maririnig. It was as if she was in her own world.
"Uy, Risa! You're here rin pala." Lumapit ako para mag-beso sa kanya.
"Oo, maaga kasi ako natapos sa work. Ikaw, what are you doing here?"
I told her I was alone kasi the kids were too busy to accompany me. When she said na mag-isa lang siya, my heart jumped. "If that's the case, tayong dalawa na lang ang magsama." I invited, giving it double meaning on purpose.
"I'd like that."
Butterflies swarmed in my stomach as she agreed. Mall date? How domestic.
"Ano 'yang pinakikinggan mo?" I asked while we walked around.
"A playlist someone made. Ito oh," She handed me the other earbud of her earphones and we roamed around while listening to the playlist I made.
Whitney Houston's Saving All My Love For You played and I couldn't help but smile. Isa rin 'to sa favorites ko. "I like this song," I told her.
Maliban sa classic 'tong kantang 'to, I remember Risa singing this in the shower and I sang along quietly as I laid in bed kasi nga lasing lang ang pwedeng makarinig sa kanta ko. Back then, this song didn't mean as much to me. But now, I relate to it on a deeper sense kasi I'm saving all the love I have for Risa.
The back of our hands frequently brushed against each other habang naglalakad kami. Fingertips grazing but not really touching. We didn't stray too far from each other kasi naka-earphones kami but I'm not complaining. Not when her soft hands are so close to mine.
Isa pa, I thought in my head. Isa pang sagi ng kamay niya and I'll let go of every common sense that I have and hold her hand.
I felt my hand tingle as it brushed against hers. To hell with self-control.
I grabbed her hand and led her to one of the closing stores. It wasn't the type of holding hands you'd see normal couples do because I can't do that for obvious reasons. Still, I was holding her hand. That was more than enough.
I browsed the clothes in the store at tuwing may kukunin ako, I'd let go of her hand and hook it to my arm. Every single time I do that, I missed the heat of her palm in an instant kaya hindi rin ako nakakatagal sa pagtitingin.
"I want you to stay close to me. 'Wag kang masyadong lumayo." Again with the double meanings. I meant that literally and figuratively as in I hope she stays close to me and doesn't go too far when she finds out about my feelings.
She replied, her cheeks tinted pink, "O-okay."
"Baka mahatak kasi 'yung earphones." I deadpanned, attempting to ease the somber thoughts in my brain.
She looked at me in disbelief and I had to stop myself from laughing. Ang cute lang kasi talaga. Akala daw niya may mas malalim na dahilan kung bakit ko hinawakan 'yung kamay niya. I told her na meron nga talaga.
"Talaga ba, edi anong dahilan?"
""Kanina ko pa gustong hawakan eh." I stated the most obvious reason I had. There's no reason to lie to her naman.
She stared at our hands and I felt conscious. "Bakit, bawal ba?" I pouted.
"Nope. Basta ikaw, pwedeng pwede." She assured, flashing her signature smile that made her eyes crinkle. Lord, I'm not your strongest soldier.
She squeezed my hand and didn't let go the whole time. Hindi ko mapigilang mapatingin sa kamay namin na magkahawak every now and then. Butterflies, hindi na lang sa tyan ko, pero sa buong katawan ko na ata.
We stayed like that the whole time – holding hands and staying close to each other. Wala kaming nabili kaya nag-window shopping and dinner na lang. Mall date indeed.
The van arrived a few minutes after I told the PSG na pwede na kami umalis. Sinabi ko sa driver na si Risa muna ang ihatid bago ako pambawi lang when we had dinner and hindi siya 'yung unang naihatid. Actually, I just really wanted to spend more time with her.
My staff and security were in the other van that served as convoy kaya aside from the driver, kaming dalawa lang ni Risa dito.
I looked over to her and saw her deep in thought. In the spur of the moment, I held her hand again. But not like kanina na nakahawak lang. This time, my fingers intertwined with hers. The softness of her hand and the warmth radiating from her palm made me feel sleepy.
The song changed and intro pa lang, I feel my eyes drooping. Isa rin 'to sa mga favorite ko.
I have loved you only in my mind
But I know that there will come a time
You'll feel this feeling I have inside
"Ang ganda ng playlist na 'to," I tell her. Syempre maganda, ako gumawa eh. Actually, hindi ko alam kung gusto ba ni Risa 'tong kantang 'to but I still put it there kasi it perfectly matched how I felt for her.
Since I realized that I had feelings for her, I stopped knowing what to say when she's around. Palagi lang akong natutulala sa kanya. She's probably the only person that makes me speechless.
I laid my head on her shoulder and cuddled up to her side. If I was asked to choose only one event that I could relive, it would be this.
You're a hopeless romantic is what they say
Falling in and out of love just like a play
Memorizing each line
I still don't know what to say
What to say
I was starting to drift off to sleep, my eyelids feeling heavy. But I tried so hard to fight it kasi this moment with her right now is a chance I'm not sure if I'll ever get again. I feel her head shift towards the window on my side. Then she laid her head on mine and I closed my eyes.
You're forever my peace, Risa Hontiveros. Always my peace.
And I wish I could tell you how I feel. But not yet. I'm not ready for that worst possible outcome yet.
Don't know what to do
Whenever you are near
Don't know what to say
My heart is floating in tears
When you pass by, I could fly
Nakakatulog na ako. Like that state of being half-asleep and awake na you're conscious of your surroundings pero at the same time tulog ka na. I don't know if this is in my dream or in reality, but I feel a warm hand on my cheek, contrasting the cold air of the air conditioner.
I consciously held her hand tighter kasi akala ko bibitaw siya.
Every minute, every second of the day
I dream of you in the most special ways
You're beside me all the time
All the time
She didn't let go and I almost succumbed to sleep. Almost.
I don't know if it happened in my dream or in reality but in that half-asleep state, I hear the woman beside me whisper, "I'm in love with you, Leni."