Chapter 68
July 18th, 1986
I find myself missing him or the version I had of him in my head right before bed. I miss him so much that I dream until I'm reminded of the man he truly is. I fear I may never love again. When Lorenzo betrayed me, he stole my ability to ever trust again. How will I ever know when a man is being genuinely kind to me? I've failed before.
I'm no longer pregnant. I took matters into my own hands and I've not regretted it the way strangers on the streets said I would.
I met a woman who kind of reminds me of my mom. She sheltered me the night she saw me make camp on the dirty sidewalk of New York. Most importantly, over coffee, she didn't judge me when I told her what I planned to do. She's allowed me to stay with her in her enormous apartment in exchange for help around the house and company. I would have questioned her intentions if it weren't for her openness. She's shared her stories with me. Being much older, probably well into her eighties, she has told me so much.
She had a daughter—her only child—who died when she was my age. According to her, she was very sick. Recently, her husband of sixty-five years had died, too. She's terribly lonely, but so am I. I have the chance to start over.
I turn the page, feeling closer to her as I read my mom's writing. Whenever I'm about to head into a panic of wondering where she is, I find enough hope that she's okay between the lines of her journal.
Reading that she had the chance to start over, convinces me that I can have one, too, with Harry. I see it already by the way he paints the picture of our future so vividly. I've never wanted anything so bad before, not until his dreams have left his lips.
"How are you, Jo? What are you doing?"
It's after hours. As Harry's sneaking in a shower, I'm sitting on a couch with my legs tucked underneath me. Finny has joined me, being one of the many who probably can't sleep knowing what tomorrow marks. I close my mom's journal, using my index finger as a bookmark to give my attention to him. "Should I lie and tell you I'm alright?" I ask with a soft smile.
"If it'll help." He smiles back at me and his eyes fall above the journal rested on my lap.
To fill his curiosity, I say, "My mom kept a journal... I've been reading to feel a little piece of her, you know?"
He nods. "I stare at the photo of my son every minute of every day." Finny rubs his chin, grazing his palm along his thick stubble as if the separation makes him anxious. "Are you ready?"
I release a deep breath. "I think I'm ready," I answer. "With your help, I am."
"I'll be in your ear... Harry will be in your ear," he reminds me. "We'll be able to hear you... Just remember, you call the shots."
I nod this time and give him a light smile again. "Thanks, Finny."
"I'm going to call it a night. See you in the morning," he says, touching my shoulder with a light squeeze before he stands up.
"See you," I whisper and I wave my fingers as I then watch him leave.
As I'm left alone after Finny's brief check-in with me, I open my mom's journal again. My fingers graze over an empty page before I decide to tear the page out.
I find a pen above the coffee table among the scatter of crayons and pencils left by children in the daytime. I make a scribble on the corner of the paper and it takes a moment for blue ink to appear. Then in the first line, I address a letter that I didn't plan on writing to Harry.
'My husband. My angel boy. I didn't intend to write you a letter but here I am. I know you've said before how you admire my optimism. I say everything will be fine so that we won't feel scared. But as the hours go by, as I can't rest my eyes for a sleep, I don't think I've ever felt this scared before.
My entire existence was made up to love you. I was put here, I endured what I've had to endure, just to show you the love you deserve. I hope I've succeeded in making up for the love you lacked in receiving as just a boy. I hope that the family we start will make you forget the constant hurt.
It's unfathomable to think I found you when I used to think my luck was out. All I've ever dreamed of having, I finally have it. You're the one I would wish for at 11:11. You're the one I hoped to end up with. I look at you and I'm certain that I would find you again in another life. Whatever shape or form, I'd end up with you. I love you, irrevocably so.
Whatever happens, please know I was doing it for us—I'm doing it for our future that calls my name. I'm scared, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the things that mean the most to you. You mean the absolute most to me and I'm incredibly excited for the rest of our lives. I'm excited for the anniversaries, for the road trips with our kids, for the late-night drives because the music sounds better on empty roads, for the walks on early Sunday morning to the park, for the breakfast in bed with an accidental spill of maple syrup, for the birthdays and the presents we promised we wouldn't get for each other, for the music that will beat in our chest when we go out to dance, and for all the memories we're destined to make together. I will wait patiently for us to live this life, however many lifetimes it will take.
I love you,
Your Elle.'
I fold the letter in half and I place the pen above the table where I've found it. I then tuck the letter inside my mother's journal as I'm not prepared to give it to Harry just yet.
I shiver when I feel cold and I rest my head back when I get a pang by my temple. I close my eyes and take the silence the empty safe house offers, but then I hear footsteps. When I turn my head, I see Harry and I'm quick to sit up as he makes his way toward me.
"I'm back," he says.
"You're back," I say with a smile and I watch as he leans close to kiss me. Freshly showered, his damp hair feels cold as it briefly touches my forehead. I then stand up, tucking my mom's journal under my arm, but going in for a hug.
He hugs me tightly and a hand finds its way onto the back of my head. He rubs it as if he knows it hurts. I hum as he says, "Should we head to bed?"
"Sure."
He nods then lets go to wrap an arm around my shoulder. I'm tucked to his side as we head to our room together. Although I doubt I will get any sleep, I'd rather hold him for the next few hours I have left.
By the time we get to our room, I place the journal on a dusty shelf and I watch him pull his t-shirt over his head. I get comfortable myself by stripping down to only my t-shirt and underwear.
He pats the spot next to him once he's in bed and I climb over him to get there. Immediately, he takes me into his arms and kisses my cheek.
I pull the blankets over our bodies as our legs intertwine. "Kiss," I then whisper and he gives me what I've asked for.
A soft kiss turns into several pecks before he then whispers, "Can I tell you something?"
I nod.
"Whatever happens tomorrow—"
The urge to cut him off with another kiss takes over me. I don't let him finish.
With a soft sigh, he ends up kissing me again. As if he knows, he then mumbles, "I don't want to think of the bad what-ifs either... but if something goes wrong—"
"I can't afford to think about something going wrong."
His long fingers stroke my cheek and play with my hair. He falls quiet, sensing my hurt.
"Sutton's pregnant," I then tell him. "She told me at the pier."
"Shit, really?"
I smile, running my hands up and down his back to feel his skin. "She's really excited, but she hasn't told Zayn." My hands stop when I slowly feel my heart sink. "So whatever happens tomorrow... it falls on me."
Harry leans forward and kisses my head. He softly hushes me as a way to stop me from blaming myself. "Zayn is going to get out of there after doing his part. He's going to leave and meet Sutton and I'm going to make sure of it," he soon assures.
I can feel the heavy weight that's pushing me onto the verge of tears. When Harry hugs me, I hug him back tightly. "Please... I'm so scared," I finally admit out loud. "He has to make it out so that he can be with Sutton and have their family."
"He will," Harry mumbles into my hair as the emotional push wins. "My love, he will... It's going to be okay."
I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling the tears that trail down my cheeks. I quickly wipe them with the back of my hand as he continues to hold me.
"Look at me," he then pleads and pulls back.
I sniffle and try to compose myself when I look at him. His eyes stare right into mine as I feel his thumb slide across my chin.
"It's going to be okay," he repeats. "I'll see you again when it's over. Hold onto that, my wife."
I nod again and I softly repeat, "I'll see you again when it's over."
"Close your eyes."
I listen to him, closing my eyes and feeling the soft burn of tiredness. The more he plays with my hair, the sleepier I get. His soft caresses and his warmth are just enough. I fall asleep by the time I counted his seventh breath.
____
The moment I woke up from a sleep my body needed, everything moved quickly. At six A.M., I held a meeting with the Angelos. By six-thirty, the people in the safe house were waking up. I then tried to eat, but I ended up feeling sick to my stomach. By seven, I had walked up and down the halls, pretending as if I had something to do. Really I had been going over the plan in my head, over and over.
A bit after eight in the morning, I ran into my dad.
"Morning, Sunshine," he greeted, having me stop in my steps.
"Hi, Dad."
"What were you doing?" He raised an eyebrow and then pushed his glasses by the bridge to adjust.
"Nothing," I told a small lie. I then took in what he was wearing when it caught my eye. I smiled a little because seeing my father in pajamas had always been rare to me. Christmas mornings or on days off were the only times I'd get to see him look like my dad—not a neurosurgeon with no time on his hands. "Sleep well?"
"Never thought a twin bed would be so comfy," he commented.
I bit my bottom lip when I knew I had to tell him what I would be doing today. I looked down because I didn't quite know where to begin.
"Jo," my dad said when he noticed my shift. "What is it?"
"I have to tell you something, but you have to promise you'll trust me enough to not get mad."
"Oh no," he mumbled, turning to face me completely. Preparing himself, he fixed his posture.
And then I told him. Midway, he frowned at what I was going to put myself through.
"Jo," he began and I held my breath in case he would tell me I wouldn't be capable of something like this. "You can't—"
"Dad, if I don't..."
"Then I'm going, too." Decided, my dad was about to turn, but I reached for his arm.
"You can't. You have to stay here. Look after Penny and Sophie and in case any wounded Angelos come in, you can help them here," I said, squeezing his arm in hopes of convincing him to stay. I wouldn't have wanted him anywhere near the scene.
He sighed and instead of fighting me, he pulled me in for a hug. With his hand on the side of my head, I closed my eyes shut as he held me close. He then said, "That man has been trying to hurt my girls long enough."
I squeezed him and he kissed the top of my head, as a way of giving me his blessing.
"I know, Dad," I mumbled. He was more understanding—more trusting—than I thought he would be.
I later found Harry with Finny. They were talking until I walked into the room. With similar eyes landing on me at the same time, I raised an eyebrow. "Hi," I said and I walked towards Harry as he sat on a chair near the table in the middle of the room.
Finny gave me his kind grin. "Hey, Jo," he greeted. "I was just going over the devices I had brought in with Harry here. Wanna see?"
I quickly nodded, becoming intrigued with the opened metal case centered on the table. I felt Harry's hands on my side. He stood up to offer me the chair he was sitting in. I thanked him when I took a seat and scooted closer to the table.
"You see this—" Finny picked a device up. "This is an earpiece. It's tiny, not noticeable at all and it's what will help you hear us and vice versa."
I took note as he also introduced me to a tracking device. But as Finny explained, my eyes looked for Harry. I watched him remain wary as he had an arm across his chest, tucked underneath his other arm. His fingers were also pinching his bottom lip—something he does when he's anxious. I touched his back to assure him I was right there next to him.
Finny gave us multiple scenarios and guided me through what to do with each of them. I listened to him, trusting every word and writing it all down mentally.
It was hard not to get overwhelmed. My stomach was beginning to feel the pressure at the thought of having to leave in less than two hours. Time had flown past me and I didn't feel well about it.
"I'll be back," I said, standing up from my chair.
"Where—" Harry began, but I was out the door before he could finish.
I quickly walked to the restroom and I covered my mouth as I felt the tingle in my cheeks. I locked myself into a stall in the women's restroom just in time before I kneeled over the toilet.
I coughed after puking for the second time this morning. I wiped my mouth with toilet paper and I reached for the handle to flush. With a soft groan, I stayed put when I didn't feel the energy to stand back up.
"Jo? Is that you?" I heard a familiar voice call from the other side of the stall door. "Are you okay?"
I nodded, recognizing Penny's voice and forgetting she couldn't see me. "I'm fine," I told her and sniffled.
"Are you sure?"
Slowly, I stood back up. I wiped at the tears that had escaped me and then I opened the door. Penny took a step back and watched me step out. I nodded again. "I was just feeling a little nauseous, but I'm good now."
As I headed for the sink, she followed me. "I was talking to Dr. D'Amore," she then mentioned. "He says... I'm a lot like you."
I turned on the faucet and then I looked at her reflection through the mirror. I smiled. "He's saying that?" I then rinsed my mouth clean.
She chuckled. "I was telling him I don't believe him when you're incredible."
After I finished, I patted my mouth dry and I turned to face her. "Are you kidding? You delivered a baby last night. I think you're incredible."
She grinned but shyly looked down at the floor.
"But, um, how are you holding up?" I asked.
That's when she shrugged. "I'm okay. I think I've prepared myself a long time ago. I know my dad didn't have much time. Sophie, on the other hand, wouldn't go to sleep last night."
"I'm sorry," I softly said, but when Penny looked up again, she smiled.
"I just want to say thank you. You and Alex have been nothing but amazing to us. Your dad included."
I smiled back at her. "You don't have to thank us," I said and I took a few steps toward her. "You can always count on us, okay?"
"Okay," she said with a small chuckle before we both go in for a hug.
When my arms wrapped around Penny, I squeezed her. Her hair tickled my cheeks, but I didn't part and neither did she. I had the urge to suddenly ask her if she was willing to be adopted with her sister, but I stopped myself from getting too ahead.
I thought it was better for me to wait than to leave them waiting.
I finally pulled away.
"Dr. D'Amore is waiting for me," Penny then said.
"Don't feed his doctor ego. Call him Theo... better yet, Teddy. He hates Teddy," I playfully advised her as we walked out of the restroom together.
She giggled beside me and just as we parted ways, I stopped in my tracks when I was being called from two different directions.
I found Harry's voice before Eileen's. "Yes?" I then answered before they both came up to me.
Harry reached for my hand. "I was just coming to check on you, my love."
I softly smiled as I let our fingers intertwine. But then Eileen interrupted, "The Angelos are ready. They're waiting for the order."
"I don't want them heading anywhere just yet," I told her.
"But if they're ready, I think they should head to the scene and wait there," Eileen interjected with her hands clasped together.
"She said not yet," Harry then said beside me.
"I wasn't talking to you."
"Don't give a shit. They need to stay far away from the scene. The Infernos have the entire block in check. If they see the Angelos coming before they have her, it's done."
Eileen tilted her head to one side as she finally looked at Harry. She shook her head before saying, "Right, I should listen to you... forgot you're one of those fucking scum—"
"Enough," I interrupted and looked at Eileen. "I said not yet, alright? I still need to get changed then geared up before I go to meet Zayn."
"Fine," she mumbled. "I think we should go now, but whatever."
She's about to turn around, but Harry said, "Be a little less fucking rude."
Eileen scoffed. "You want to talk about being rude?"
"Guys," I interrupted again when I didn't need another stress added above the stress I already had.
"No," Eileen bitterly continued. "Let's not forget he's the fucking reason we're in this mess. I still don't trust him. If anything, this is what he wanted all along. Open your eyes, Jo."
Harry looked visibly annoyed. He huffed out a breath before stepping a foot closer to Eileen. "If you've got a damn problem with me, leave my wife out of it."
Eileen broke from her stare into Harry's eyes for only a second. From the way Harry referred to me as, I think it caused her to stay silent.
"I'm going to get ready," I mumbled under my breath and I walked away from them. I headed for my room. I closed the door behind me, even if I think Harry will come in at any second. I then pulled my t-shirt off and I flung it onto the bed. I didn't know why I was rushing, but my trickling anxiety was making me hurry.
I threw on a thin-strapped tank and I switched my leggings for a pair of jeans. They were wide enough from the ankles for me to hide Harry's pocket knife in my sock. I then stepped into my white shoes that were easy enough to kick off and find the razor blade. I last threw on my jacket.
Just as Harry walked in, I found the letter I wrote him and I stuff it into the inner pocket of my jacket.
"I'm sorry," he said as he closed the door. "She was bothering the shit out of me. What she said, isn't true, my love. I'm not plotting this whole thing—"
"I know," I interrupted him. "You don't have to tell me when I know."
As my words brought him assurance, he walked toward me in relief. I then hugged him tightly. "But you have to promise me something," I then said.
"Hm?"
"Whatever you plan to do today... don't do it," I told him while my arms remained wrapped around his neck. "If it's to somehow kill Dante at the end of it, I'm begging you... don't."
Slowly, he pulled away. "But if he makes it out of this alive, he will never stop... just let me take care of it."
I shook my head as my fingers reached for the back of his head. "I need you to trust me," I whispered and I found his sweet eyes.
Instead of saying anything else, he kissed me softly with a hold of my cheeks in his hands. Then, neither of us said anything else. For a few minutes, we just held each other.
____
It was time. It was time for me to get in the back of Paco's van to be dropped off at the location where Zayn and I agreed to meet. Though, having to go without Harry was making it hard to go at all.
At the top of the staircase, he squeezes my body in a tight hug again. "Angel... I'll be there, hearing you and talking to you. I love you."
He's one step down on the stairs, making us leveled. I nod as I squeeze my arms around his neck. I might be squeezing his face so I pull away just to look at him again. "I love you," I say back and I caress his cheeks. I then watch as my ring fits loose around my finger. I'm afraid to lose it, but at the same time, I don't want to take it off.
He notices by the way I look at it. Without saying a word, he reaches for the necklace around his neck. I then smile, sliding the ring off my finger to let him slide it into one end of the chain.
"There," he mumbles before he hooks his very own necklace behind my neck.
"I won't lose it," I promise as the ring falls against my chest, underneath my shirt. I place a hand over it, making sure it's there and safe.
"Kiss," he then whispers with his hands on my hips.
Even though I have people waiting on me, I take the time to give my husband another kiss. A kiss I never want to end, but I know it has to at some point.
"Go get your mum. I'll be waiting for you, my Elle," he then mumbles along my lips.
"Wait," I stop him from letting me go. When I open my eyes again, he's looking right back. I pause, for only a second, as my heartbeat slows down. "I want to give you something... but I want you to hold onto it."
"What is it?"
I reach for the inner pocket of my jacket and I fish out the folded letter I wrote to him. "As I said, hold onto it. You can't read it yet."
"Elle," he says a bit sternly.
"No, no," I whisper. "It's not what you think. Read it when I'm in there and you miss me. Read it when you're worried and you don't know what to do. Promise?"
He swallows but begins to nod his head. His eyes lift from the paper and he finally says, "Promise."
"I love you," I tell him again, tucking the piece of paper in his hands. "I love you so fucking much and I can't wait to see you again."
Harry's jaw tightens and I can see his breathing pick up. He tightly holds the paper and he doesn't mean to crumble it as he looks at me. Eventually, his lips part, but I kiss him to leave it at that. I touch his cheek before I turn to walk out the door to make it a bit easier. If I linger any longer, I might not want to leave at all.
One of the Angelos guides me into Paco's van. Before I hop in, I catch a glimpse of my grandpa's mural in the alleyway. I see his face and I wish I could look at him for a bit longer, but I'm rushed to get inside. I hug my knees after the doors have shut and I turn my head when I hear Paco's voice.
"Everything good, boss?" He checks on me as he begins to drive out of the alley.
"Not going to lie I'm terrified," I answer, reaching for my ring hanging off the necklace Harry gave me to play with it and make sure it's there again.
"You should try praying. Sometimes that helps."
I chew on my bottom lip before softly thanking him for the advice. I'm reluctant to share that I'm not familiar with praying. Once he turns the volume of the radio up, I figure that I will try anything.
I close my eyes, but I don't pray to a God in particular. I picture my grandpa's face as I release a small breath. "If you're there, Grandpa... it's me, Elle," I begin and frown when I feel a bit silly at first. "I really need your help today. To be fair, you owe me. You've made quite the damn mess since you died... So look out for me? Look out for Mom. I mean, I hope you have been already... Look out for everyone else who is helping me save Mom. I don't want anyone to get hurt today so please... if you can, give us all that happy ending, yeah?"
I open my eyes when Paco hits a pothole. It made me slide towards the doors and he yells, "Sorry!"
"It's okay," I whisper under my breath and I hug my legs again. This time I patiently wait to arrive.
"Boss," Paco calls after a while. "I'm pulling over."
I sit up straight and my heart has fallen to the pit of my stomach. "Okay, thanks," I say, preparing myself for the stop.
He pulls over and I open the door from the inside. I step onto the concrete and I shut the doors of his van. As he's supposed to, Paco drives off and I'm left there on the corner of some intersection. I dig my hands in my pockets and I casually walk along the sidewalk to blend in with the pedestrians.
Two blocks down from where I am is my old apartment, I recognize. As I look at the cars that pass by all I can see is the memories of Harry driving me home in his obnoxious car.
I miss him.
In the alleyway between the dry cleaners and pawn shop where I agreed to meet Zayn, I turn but I don't look where I'm going. Too busy attempting to be vigilant, I bump into a chest that shouldn't startle me as much as it should.
Zayn grabs my arm and he presses a finger up to his lips to keep me from saying anything.
I'm relieved it's only him. I then nod, agreeing to be quiet as he digs a hand into his pocket. He pulls out a cellphone and looks down to dial. Seconds later, he brings the phone to his ear. "It's Z... Tell Dante I got the girl... Yeah, found her near her old place. Had to kill Pierce to get to her... Coming now."
I watch Zayn hang up the phone as he told a lie. When he slides his phone back into his pocket, I wait for him to allow me to talk.
"Butterfly," he then greets.
My heart races and my nerves are eating me alive, but I smile at him anyway. "I guess this is where you kidnap me."
"Let me tell you it's going to be alright first."
I nod, straightening my posture as if it'll make me believe his words more.
Looking straight into my eyes with his honey-colored ones, he promises, "It's going to be alright. Can I ask you something? Why do you think I call you butterfly?"
"Because... you forgot my name that one time and—"
"No... I just always had this feeling you were going to set me free... Set Harry free," he tells me and it's all enough to make me go in for a tight embrace.
"You have to go meet Sutton as soon as you're done. No looking back, Zayn. Meet her and go live your lives, please."
After one big squeeze, we then part. When I look at him, he's smiling softly at me. "Don't worry... I'm getting the hell out of here to get to my girl once I'm done with this."
"Good," I say and I take in a deep breath. "Then I'm ready."
Zayn nods and he reaches into his large jacket. In one of the pockets, he pulls out a piece of cloth and then a bottle of liquid. He looks at me when he sees me eyeing it. "I'm sorry, Butterfly. I have to send you in there unconscious."
"No, I know," I say as he pours the liquid over the cloth.
He then steps closer. He whispers for me to inhale. When he reaches for the back of my head, he brings the cloth over my nose and my mouth. The moment I breathe, I feel the sting in my nose, throat, and even my eyes. Zayn then steps behind me, holding my body in case this works faster than intended. He doesn't give me a chance to breathe anything else but whatever he drenched in the cloth. My arms jerk, attempting to push him off out of reflex as I begin to suffocate in the stench. I hadn't realized Zayn was holding me up until I felt him start to drag me to his car parked in the middle of the alley. By the time he lifts his lid off the trunk, he removes the cloth but I feel immensely light-headed.
"I'm sorry, Butterfly. I'm sorry," I hear Zayn mumble as he lifts me into the trunk of his car. Everything turns dark right before he shuts me in.
__
don't be nervous, guys! trust me! pierced is coming to an end so let me tell you now... thank you!!!
love,
mila!