V
TO YOU, IN THE RAIN
It was a mystery to you as to how your friends always seemed so eager to train - well, at least they never complained. It was such a vast contrast to you - there was always a complaint lingering at the back of your mind. Although you knew what you were getting yourself into, you couldn't help but have a snarky remark of two of the grueling training you were put through on the daily.
But you always held your tongue, you wouldn't say anything - not when nobody else around you seemed to have a problem. They were all so determined, they had a reason and goal for being there. Yet you.... You felt like an outsider looking in when you saw them, just so eager to get better.
Like Reiner for example, he was the perfect image of what a future soldier should be like. Actually, he seemed to be at the top of the class when training first began, though after a few weeks, Mikasa already began to out preform him. He was similar to you in a way that the two of you seemed like you'd already been doing it years prior, well, the same went with Mikasa, Annie and Bertholdt. They all seemed talented. And none of them complained
Of course, there were times you spotted Annie slacking off. You wanted to join her - to stand around doing nothing in particular or walk to make you look busy - but you heard the snide remarks Eren would mumble about it. He wasn't one to respect slackers, you didn't want to be the person behind his distaste. If your friend ever mumbled something bad about you, you weren't sure how you'd take it.
That's why you'd sit at a distance, watching your friends continuously train while you wiped your sweat away with the sleeve of your shirt. There were times Mikasa would sit by you, although she never looked tired or worn out - but she'd place a hand on your and say "If you're tired, don't be afraid to turn in for the day. I can join you." You would always consider it, but by the end of the day you would just return to training - despite how tired or worn-out you felt. Just for the sake of not being viewed as less than. Now that you thought back on all the memories of your years of training, you felt silly.
"Hey! Are you taking a break?" Your head jolted up at the sound of a new voice, but you didn't dare look back to see who it was. "Can I join you? I'm exhausted! All of these guys are like... Battle machines!" He didn't wait for an answer, instead he sat himself right next to you with a long sigh. Finally, you turned to face him, eyes wide and blinking slowly.
Connie wasn't well respected in the group of scouts, far from it - he was more of a joke to some. But to you - you thought he was brave, you almost admired him. No, you had admired him. Having a mindset where you didn't let others' opinions about you get to you was admirable. He wasn't afraid to say how tired he was among those who seemed endlessly training - he wasn't afraid to sit down next to you despite never having spoken to you.
That's why you stared at him for a long moment - so long he began to getting weirded out by being on the other side of your stare. He almost began to regret sitting by you, until you finally spoke.
"Yeah, they're crazy, huh? They just never stop." You smiled - although small - it was genuine. Genuine because finally, there was somebody who wasn't crazy about training - but was still good at what he did. Someone who wasn't afraid to say what he felt, the opposite of you. He relaxed under your gaze, letting out a long sigh and resting his palms flat against the floor.
"I'm glad someone gets it! Everyone else just says I should work my ass off of I wanna get into the MP, but..." He trailed off, eyes wandering to those who were still training under the hot sun. "It's like they're not even human! Everybody needs to take a break." You found your gaze wandering back toward him, the hum escaping your lips a sign of your absent-mindedness.
"You're trying to join the MP Brigade?" You asked, words slow and calculated in hopes that he wouldn't take it the wrong way. If he had, he didn't let it show. Instead, he let out an exasperated sigh.
"Yeah, well that's the plan... Youre not gonna tell me anything along the lines that I'm to dumb or small, right?" He turned his head to see what your reaction to that would be. He was expecting something like a half-assed smirk to laugh at him - or even for you to lash out at him - since you were friends with the titan-crazy Eren guy. But your smile was genuine.
He seemed a bit wary of your answer - you were so caught up on your romantized version of him - that words didn't get to him so he'd say way he wanted - that you almost forgot he was human. Of course he thought of what others felt about him, but he didn't let it rule his life. You weren't sure of his reason for wanting to join, but you respected it. If he wanted to join to live - or to prove a point - to stay safe... They were all good reasons... "Of course not, if you want to join the MPs... I'll root for you, I'm sure you can snag that top ten spot."
Connie stared in disbelief before a smile picked up at his lips. "Yeah, thanks! I know I'm great enough to make it!" You were glad to see how it boosted his confidence - although he already seemed to have a big enough ego. "Don't to easy on me, though. If you're aiming for that top ten spot, give it your all."
You were silent at his words, your goal wasn't to reach the top ten. It wasn't even decided yet what you wanted, but you weren't such a hard worker you'd reach for the goal of top ten.
"Oh, I... I just want to join the Suvery Corps. I don't need to reach top ten to do that..." It was a sudden confession, you had no idea where it even came from. But Connie stared - baffled and confused as to how there were multiple willing people from Shiganshina that wanted to join the scouts. Or how many people that had seen titans in general wanted to join.
"You wanna join the scouts...?"
"That's the plan, youre not gonna tell me that I'm suicidal and crazy, are you?" It was a direct play on words of what he said - but he hardly seemed to notice.
"Nah, not if that's what you want..." He grumbled, turning his head to look away. "Don't mimic me." You found yourself smiling at what a familiar sight the back of his head facing you was - like you'd seen it before.
But you hadn't.
Somehow, you found yourself talking to him more often, as if you sought him out to talk to someone who wouldn't judge - or at least you felt wouldn't. Like you were wrapped up in your own head in this false reality - nobody else had judged you outright, but you were caught up in the thought.
He didn't question it when you would always somehow make it to his side during training drills - just like how he didn't question Sasha when she befriended him just a little bit after you.
Even Marco of all people began to join the group of you, it was strange, since he was usually with Jean. But he didn't question it either, not what he looked happy to be there. Not even when Jean started hanging around with the influence of Marco.
He did question those stares Mikasa would send his way though - they were common these days. Always when it was just him and you. Sure, Connie was on the dumb side but he was sure he knew what the hell those meant.
He noticed you usually joined him and the others during training drills, and your other friends during lunch and downtime. Of course there were times you would switch those times up, but it usually remained constant. But whenever you were around Mikasa, she had a habit of sticking close by you. Like some concerned, nagging mother - it would've been sweet if those borderline glares didn't scare him.
But he had seen that'd you'd been much happier - for no reason in particular, but you couldn't help the smile on your face as you walked past the barracks, making your way toward Eren. You could see he was crossing his arms from where you were - getting closer, you could see his eyebrow quirked.
"You've been real smiley recently, haven't you?" He asked loudly - in order to reach your ears. "After today's tough training, I didn't think I would catch anyone in a good mood..." He sighed, but a smile picked up at his lips. "Well, with so much training, we'll master our skills soon enough, right? Yeah, I'd do drills like these twenty-four seven just to kill all those titans!"
At that, your smile faltered. You almost regretted joining - you wished you could just go back to pick-pocketing people for rations, but the embarrassment would be overwhelming. Besides, you felt there was something you were fighting for. Deep down, when you looked at the people around you tried so desperately to avoid, you knew. No matter how hard you tried, you'd befriend them, and lose them and... Yeah, you knew why. Secretly, one part of you had already known while the other half was still drowning in naivety. No matter how much time passed, you were always just a naive child - even when you seemed to be more of a shut-out than anyone, you were always so naive.
"I think.... Well, you're right... But taking breaks is good for you, you can't just train all day every day." Your sentence came out just as slow as it was hesitant - like you hadn't even wanted to tell him what you thought. But he had to understand, right? You were jealous of Mikasa at times like these - she was the type to go off on him without a problem.
"Huh? Well, I wasn't being serious... I take breaks, of course."
Your cheeks heated in embarrassment, your head hanging low before you looked back up at him - blank-faced. Although you were naive and far too self-conscious, you took pride in your ability to be something you weren't. When you were embarrassed - you did a great job at pretending you weren't.
"Right, sorry. I can't tell when you're joking or not, your jokes are just so dry..." Finally, your smile came back onto your lips, your hand coming up to flick Erens bangs out of his face with the swipe of your hand. You were always so on and off with the way you acted - he felt as if you acted differently with him, Armin, and Mikasa than you did with other people. Perhaps you were less carefree, he couldn't tell - no, you weren't that easy to read.
Eren slapped your hand away, face contorting into a scowl out of the embarrassment he felt. "My goal isn't to be funny-!"
"-It's to kill all titans." You finished for him, patting his head to get another rise out of him. "Don't let anything stray you from that goal." Eren lifted his head to look up at you, despite the fact your hand was still on his head - he didn't attempt to move it. His eyes were frozen on your face, suddenly cold. He was used to that look - but never at him.
He gulped, "I forgot to mention that Shadis was looking for you..." He spoke up, sweat trickling down his cheek. "He was at the training grounds earlier, guess he wants you to be there before our second training drill starts."
Your hand lifted from his head in an instant, allowing for the boy to straighten out his back. "Then I gotta be there fast!" You panicked, turning your back to him before running off - leaving him without a second thought. Eren didn't complain about it though, his hand landed on his head. He was quick to remove it at he sudden pain that jolted through his hand, his hair must've been full of static somehow.
You weren't sure what you were expecting when you heard Shadis was looking for you - but before being called out for low performance was definitely one of the possibilities you'd thought up. Graduation was approaching soon - and you were already far from reaching the top, not like you were disappointed - far from it. But getting yelled at for it was humiliating - especially with the added audience.
"If you're going to perform like that when your life is on the line, you might as well jump straight into the mouth of a titan! Do you want to die, cadet!?" His voice was loud, so it wasn't like you could miss it.
"No sir, I don't." You grumbled, "I wanna live."
"Then get your head out of your ass and act like it, [Firstname]! You won't be able to make it past day one with this half-assed behavior! What'd you even come here for!?" You straightened out your back, pressing your salute closer to your heart.
"I came here to change fate!" Your voice came out a little bit louder than you meant for it be, but for that single second, you finally realized the reason you were there. "Don't count me as a nuisance already, sir! I don't plan on giving up until I reach my goal! No matter how long it takes!"
Shadis went silent, he could tell by the look in your eye just how serious you were - how determined you were to show your worth and reach your goal. Whatever it meant to change fate, you'd manage to do it. No matter how long it took. The look in your eye was almost enough to scare an old man like him.
"Catching up to the rest isn't something I need to do, I've already done this before."
Shadis was silent, sunken eyes boring into yours. You blinked sheepishly, "...Sorry, is that all you wanted to say, sir? I swear I'll do better."
"That right? No point in trying to catch up now, but I better see you bringing your 110% to todays training. It's about to start now as a matter-of-fact." You were aware of the eyes on you already - you knew training was due to start soon. "I'll assign you to a group myself."
You were fine with being assigned a group, there was Marco and Jean with you -they were definitely the ones you'd stick by. Then there was Reiner... You didn't know how to feel about him, despite the fact you felt a strong sense of similarity toward him - neither of you knew each other beyond your training as scouts. Bertholdt and Annie also happened to be assigned to the same group as you.
It wasn't a bad group, you found yourself fine with it. Hopefully Bertholdt was just as shy as Annie was cold so that neither would go out of their way to be friendly with you - so you would have two less people to worry about when their lives were on the line.
Though, you figured it was a false hope one the rain started and your group was far out into the forest. Leaving you with nowhere to hide but under one of the large trees. You weren't given any hoods - or rain-protective gear at that, after all, the day was supposed to be clear.
"Dammit! I knew something was off the moment I saw Bertholdts sleeping position this morning! It was warning us about the rain!" Jean was the first one to complain about the situation you all found yourselves in.
Bertholdt, from atop the large bolder he sat on, muttered an apology. Reiner, who sat next to him, gave him a clap on the shoulder. "He was just teasing, Bertholdt! Loosen up."
Bertholdt could only return Reiners explanation with a troubled smile. "Sorry, I know..." He lifted his legs up against his chest, wrapping his long arms around them. He seemed troubled by something - something that was brushed off by Annie - who leant against the trunk of the large tree you all took shelter under. She hadn't uttered a single world.
"Not a big fan of the rain, I'm guessing?" Marco laughed sheepishly, trying to clear the tension that somehow managed to build itself up. "I know how that is, but we shouldn't let some rain stop us from our goals, right? I'm sure there's still a few groups behind us, if we make it to the meeting spot now, we can snag a few titan points."
"... You're just looking for a few brownie points." Annie uttered.
Your gazed toward her, your lips parting open to say something - but you never had the chance to say it.
"Most of us here are trying to get into the MPs, right? We won't have to suffer under any trees once we make it into the military, so I say we suck it up now and live lavishly later!" Jean was smirking, arm raised to prove a point.
"Guess that's right, but even if you aren't looking into the MPs, as soldiers in training, we should give it our all, anyway," Reiner spoke up, arms crossed before he jumped from the bolder onto the ground. He was always much more of the forced-leader type - but it clashed with Jean, the natural-leader sort of guy.
"Oh right, I almost forget some people willingly want to join the scouts." Jean scoffed, tapping his foot.
"No one said anything about joining the scouts," you spoke from where you stood, "besides, there isn't a problem with that. People have different goals."
Jean turned toward you, the tapping of his foot shifting into the bounce of his leg, showing just how impatient he was. "... Well, you should join the Military..." His voice was quiet. "It would keep you safe, you know."
You were silent, eyes trained on the drops of rain that slipped from the leaves of the tree and down to your boots. "Safety isn't something I'm looking for."
The bounce of Jean's legs increased in velocity. "So then what? You're just gonna throw your life away to be a volunteer titan snack!? What about all that money and bread you used to steal, not gonna make up for that?!" His words were harsh - downright mean to your ears, but to him, he was sure he had a point - he was sure he was conveying just how much he cared for a friend.
Due to the lack of response, Jean halted the bouncing of his leg. "Sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice." His arm slowly came back down to his side.
"Whatever." You finally looked up, "I just don't know what to say to you, I'm not sure what could make you change the way you look at things." You glanced toward Marco, who stared intently at you, then back toward him. "Let's just go, with any luck we can manage to get Shadis to look the other way with this." Your nerves were starting to bubble at your throat, washed away by your gulp as you adjusted your ODM gear. You'd have one hell of a field day with Shadis after what you said earlier.
"Besides, if we were in the woods beyond the walls, titans wouldn't wait for the rain to settle before trying to eat us." That seemed to get a few of them moving - Reiner and Marco finally breaking from their standstill to get moving.
"... But if we join the MPs, we won't have to deal with any titans! Marco, what're you even doing!?" Jean yelled again, seemingly angry that his friend moved at the mention of Titans.
"Well, even if we do join the MPs, we don't know what'll happen, right...?" Marco explained himself with a nervous smile. "Anyway, we really do have to get going."
'Someone like me doesn't even belong in the MPs..' Eventually, Bertholdt made it down from where he sat to meet the three of you. 'And it looks like Reiner doesn't even know what he's doing anymore...' Since he was moving, your eyes wandered toward Bertholdt. He looked out of it - whatever thoughts were going through his mind were rampant and taxing on him. Anyone could tell by the look on his face.
"Since it's raining, that doesn't mean we have to head straight to the checkpoint. There's going to be a meeting point somewhere out here that everyone else is taking shelter under, if Shadis happens to find us all there, he'd understand why we took shelter under the rain. Besides, we weren't prepared for the rain for this drill, so he'd probably yell at us anyway for deciding to make to back to camp, thinking it would get us out of it." Annies explanation was long-winded, her voice as slow and cold as it'd always been. "This is a terrain expedition exercise, is it not?"
Reiner attempted to interject, "But-"
"I'm not gonna put up with this. If you don't all think this was some sort of test Shadis had in mind, than that explains just how big of fools you all are." With that, she began to take lead - she was one of that last people you expected to do it, but she made her way out of the rain.
A standstill was in place for a few seconds before you trailed after her, jogging to catch up. The others all began to follow, all but Jean, who stood behind in disbelief. "Don't know what'll happen my ass, I know damn well what I'll be doing after I graduate!" He scoffed. Stomping his feet as he caught up with the group of you.
It only took a few minutes of walking for Reiner to step in front and take the lead, his boots stepping into the rapid-forming patches of mud in his hurry - while the rest of you took the time to go around them.
"Wouldya looks at that, I knew this would be around here." His voice was calm and low, not cocky despite the discovery he just made. A single abounded shed in the middle of seemingly nowhere. Though by the marks on the trees, you were sure this was marked on some map - a map that you weren't given.
"Have you been out here before?" You asked, an eyebrow raised at his weird piece of knowledge.
"Would it be a problem if I have?" Reiner asked, taking the extra second to look back at you.
"No, I don't think there would be." You answered with the absent-minded shake of your head. "I used to wander into a bunch of forests in wall Maria."
Then he was silent, head turning back to look in front of him. "Then I guess you and me are alike."
'Well if that isn't a big lie.' Bertholdt sighed from next to you, catching your attention. At that second, you were sure he sighed because of whatever memory crossed his mind from his old home. As far as you were aware, Annie came from the same town. But she never seemed to shake at the mention of her hometown.
"Were gonna take another break, huh? Considerate as always, Reiner." Bertholdt muttered, eyes sullen and tired. There was a slight falter in Reiners steps, but he continued with the downcast of his eyes onto the floor. There was the thought that he was forgetting something for one second, but the next he was smiling. "It's my job as a soldier, looking out for one another is what we do."
"You ever get tired of spouting that crap?" Annie scoffed. She was never a fan of Reiner - as far as you could tell. Nobody spoke after that, you'd expect Reiner to say something - but he only led the group of you into the shelter.
"Great job, Reiner! Times like these are when you really make a trustworthy leader, huh?" Marco smiled, smoothing out his clothes. You could tell by his sniffing that he was falling sick.
You were the last into the shelter, standing by the open door, resulting in a few stray drops of rain falling onto your back. The shelter was a lot bigger than you thought it would be from the inside - enough to fit whatever stragglers were fortunate enough to find it.
"You're gonna get cold if you just stand there," Jean spoke from beside you, arms crossed as he leant against the wall. You turned your head to look at him, a smile on your lips.
"Right, because standing outside in the rain wasn't enough to make me cold."
Jean's expression wavered before he turned away. "I was trying to say you should close the door." He scoffed.
The group of you settled, placing your bags of gear and emergency supplies onto the floor before sitting in whatever respective spot. Bertholdt and Reiner sat to the middle, you sat next to Marco by the window, with Jean standing just a little off to the side from you. Then there was Annie, alone in the desolate left corner. None of you could answer how much time had gone by - but if you had to guess, you'd say about an hour or two. Jean's teeth had begun chattering because of the cold - and Marco continued to rub his arms up and down in some poor attempt of creating warmth.
"Kind of cold, don't you think?" You asked, loud enough for the others to hear you. "We should make a fire, if we're lucky, Jean won't blow it away with his chattering." You stood up, "and maybe it'll help others find us with whatever smoke it makes."
Reiner stood next, "Right, I think the rain has let up enough for us to make a fire under a tree."
"Let up?" Jean repeated, "I-if that was the case, t-then-" he finished the rest of his sentence through chattering teeth. "I wouldn't be so damn cold right now!"
"Well, you're the only one shivering." Annie scoffed. "The rest of us are just fine."
Marco sniffled, forcing a smile. "Now, now... We all have different strengths and weaknesses."
You sighed, taking initiative to gather whatever fire-making materials you had in your bag, then stepped outside. Annie of all people decided to follow you "Come help with the fire when you stop whining."
It was just the two of you outside for the first part, Annie was the one who gathered the firewood, while you attempted to light it on fire. She hadn't said a single thing within the entire time span of a few minutes, she hadn't spoken up when the others from inside the shelter started to pile out and help you. But just as much as she didn't speak - she stared. She stared at you, at Jean, at Marco... But her glances toward Reiner and Bertholdt we're minimal. It didn't look like she was judging despite how cold she made herself seem.
It took a while and the combined effort of you, Reiner, and Marco to get the fire started and alive long enough for it to survive the harsh weather conditions it was under, but it burst into life, using whatever firewood Annie had gathered to fuel itself. Despite not helping - Jean was the first one to sit. He was so close you were sure he could catch fire if he weren't careful. You sat next to him, just a little farther from the fire.
"Now that I think about it, this probably was apart of today's drill." Marco chuckled dryly, bag still on his shoulder before he placed it beside Jean. "I can try making us a stew..." He offered.
"That'll get Sasha running over here." You joked, watching as Marco reached into his bag, all he had was a few potatoes, tomatoes, and a whole bunch of water. Looking at the supplies he was given, it was no doubt this was part of Shadis' plan.
Only a few seconds had passed since Marco began to set up what it was he needed to make a stew, and within that short timespan, Armin was wandering into your group.
"Oh!" His eyes lit up at the sight of you before he looked behind him. "Connie, Sasha! Over here!" He called out, quickly making his way over. He has followed the smoke your fire had started - with the help of Sashas nose that caught the scent of the fire.
"Ugh... I'm glad we found you guys." Connie groaned posture hunched as he and Sasha both dragged their feet to meet you. "I'm no good with spacial awareness."
You couldn't help your smile, ushering your friends over. Sasha didn't give it a second thought before she laid beside you, resting her head in your lap with a yawn. "Yeah, the rain washed away all the tracks... I was starting to feel anxious." She was soaked and cold to the touch, yet her cheeks were pink. The droplets on her face were probably a mix of sweat and rain, she would fall sick soon enough.
"Where's the rest of your group?" You asked, looking between Armin and Connie.
"Mikasa, Eren, and Krista were with us... Eren ran ahead so Mikasa followed, then Krista got worried and followed along." Armin explained in one breath, exhaling a sigh at the end of it. "Then Connie and Sasha decided to stick with me because they said 'I was smart' and would 'lead us back to civilization'."
"You say that like I was wrong! You got us here, didn't you!?" Connie grumbled, sitting next to you. Shivering under his wet clothes. "I hate forests..."
"Not like anybody's a big fan of them." Jean scoffed, recovered from his chattering just in time to not be flamed by Connie. "It's like Bertholdt really did curse us with rain today." Jean groaned again.
"Did I- did I really?" Bertholdt asked, hand coming up to toy with the tips of his bangs.
"Is it your fault!?" Connie asked, leaning close to the fire only to flinch away when it flared.
"Why so scared of the it? Worried your hair'll catch on fire?" Your tease manifested itself into a genuine-looking smile. Sasha chucked from beneath you.
The group of you shared a few jokes, the only one that seemed distant was Annie, only sparing a few glances toward the group of you. She only sat closer once Marcos's half-hearted stew was ready. She gave her thanks, listening to your conversation for the time being.
'They're getting too carried away.' Was her initial thought, taking the first spoon full of food into her mouth. When the flavors melted into her tongue, she frowned. 'I guess I'm not any different than them, though..."
'I don't know why, but I almost feel sorry...'