Every night I wait for this moment, the moment when I am able to spend time with my son. I'm usually being watched like a hawk by my mother but tonight I'll have the 'pleasure' of my father doing so. I imagine he'll be monitoring me with a much more critical eye. He seems to love pointing out all of my flaws these days, like he had at dinner tonight.
"Come here, my beautiful boy." I undo the restraints of his highchair before picking him up into my arms. The way he clings to me automatically, snuggling his face in my neck, makes my heart grow ten times it size. It brings tears to my eyes. It makes me feel like maybe being here isn't the most terrible thing in the world, not if I get to hold my son in my arms like this.
We walk up the staircase to his playroom silently, Wolf nuzzling into me even deeper while I relish in his scent. This room made for Wolf is just as luxurious as it had been at the Warner-Riley home. Parts of the compound have nearly all the opulence and grandeur that Torey's parents' house does. It's just built into the side of a mountain, you know, because it's supposed to be a fortress and everything. I suppose I could have worse surroundings, be made to stay in a cell like a wild animal as I had those first two weeks.
"What do you want to play with this evening, Wolfie?" I ask as I set him down on his little legs. He stands there pondering for a moment, staring at me with eyes that are bright blue and wider than the horizon. "Hmm? We could play with the blocks. I know they're your favorite." I walk over to them and kneel down, patting the spot next to me.
"Mama loje bllok." The sound of him speaking the language of my childhood makes me want to burst into tears. It always does but I never do.
"Yes, Wolfie. I want to play blocks with you." He quickly runs over to me, pure excitement all over his face. "See this one, it's a blue block. Can you say blue block?"
"Boo bok." The sound of his little voice trying to formulate words is something I could listen to a million times over.
"That was close enough." I muss his hair as I hand it over to him. "It's a blue block and the color reminds me of your eyes." And his eyes remind me of a certain someone. Thankfully, that someone is still alive. "Did you know your eyes are blue?" He just blinks at me a few times before going back to play, not caring about eye color. I don't blame him. When I was little I didn't care about it either.
"Why don't you speak to him in Albanian? Tatyana wants him to learn the language, as do I. If he's to fill my shoes one day he's going to have to be bilingual at least." My father didn't sound angry or irritated with me for a change. His tone was just matter-of-fact.
"I want him to be familiar with both." I look back to my father after Wolf empties out an entire container of blocks with a squeal. "All he hears around here is Albanian. If he's to be bilingual he needs to be spoken to in more than one language."
"Mmm, fair enough." That response is a surprise to me as is the passive demeanor my father currently has. After another quiet minute he speaks up again. "The exchange between you and Tristan at tonight's dinner was interesting. What was that about?"
"I'm not quite sure what you're referring to." I focus on the blocks in my hand trying to build a sort of giraffe-looking type of animal that Wolf seems to love. Seems because he admires it and then he completely destroys it.
"You spoke of love and loyalty with him in a very passionate manner. Do you not think you could give those things back to your family?"
"I already have, baba. I am here. I do not plan to leave." Wolf claps his hands when he recognizes what I'm trying to make. He grabs a few blocks and tries to mimic the creature I am creating but he has a hard time connecting one block underneath another. "Like this." I show him how to connect them and when he can't he crosses his arms over his chest with a pout. "No no. What have I told you about getting mad and giving up? You can do it! Give it another try!" The semi-glare he throws at me reminds me so much of Torey I have to laugh. I can only imagine if he were here to see it. When he manages to stack them the correct way I clap my hands which has him wearing the broadest smile.
"Look mama!" He repeats the process of putting them together. "I do! I do!"
"Yes, you do!"
"He needs a father." His words almost make my excitement falter but I don't let it for the sake of my son. I keep up my happy facade, building things with him like my father hadn't just uttered those words. "He has family but you are without a husband and Wolf is left without a father figure. He should have one. You should have a husband."
"I do not need a husband and Wolf has all of us. He has his family. I don't know what another man could provide for him that we don't, that I can't."
"Stability for both you and your son, help your reputation." I have to snap my mouth shut and grit my teeth. "I do not plan to marry you off again so you can relax." Even though he said the words it surely sounded like that is exactly what he plans to do. "I will not force you to marry just any man but I do have a suggestion." I already have an idea where this is going and I don't like it.
"Let me guess," I throw him an irritated look, "your suggestion is Tristan, isn't it?"
"Yes. He's strong and smart, looks after you in a manner that is other than any other guard would. He cares about you." Because he's paid to do so not because he actually cares. Surely he understands the difference.
"I'm sure Tristan didn't have any coaching telling him to act that way either." I roll my eyes at the blocks in my hands.
"His coaching was directly from your child's father. He trained with Torey for years, learned directly from him. If you hadn't noticed already, Tristan could pass for Wolf's father."
"Don't say that." The words were a practical growl out of my mouth. "Wolf already has a father."
"Had. Wolf had a father." Little does my father know that Wolf's is still alive. "All I'm saying is, is that he is a good match for you. Your mother and I, we looked at potential candidates to match you with and knew you would immediately refuse the others. We were going to arrange a marriage but I do not want to give you another reason to leave." He said it like I had an option to actually leave.
"Father, I—"
"Daniela," he interrupts, "I just want you to consider Tristan as an option. We will not make you marry him but your mother and I, well, we implore you to see reason. He is a good match for you. You could have a great future with him and many beautiful children. His emotional awareness scores were off the charts. He'd be a good husband for you, a great father to Wolf."
Emotional awareness scores? As in, they made him take a test for that? I feel nauseous at the fact that my father had vetted his own men to find who would be most suitable for me. Does Tristan know this? Thinking about how he might have been trying to get me to fall for him this whole time makes me actually feel like I'm going to vomit.
"I can see the wheels churning. Tristan doesn't know but your mother is talking to him about it right now."
"What?!"
"Mama! BOK!" I bring my attention back to building things for my son to destroy which he does with a giddy scream.
"Imagine Wolfie being in here with Tristan. The three of you playing together. Him seeing his mother in love with someone who he could consider to be his father. You wouldn't have to explain how his father betrayed you and our family. He wouldn't have to know that his own mother gave him up. That she didn't want him." He could've ripped my heart out with his bare hands and it would've hurt less than those words. "He could know a father and a mother that love him, have a family that is united. That's what he should've known in the first place, not being taken directly out of your arms and handed off to strangers." The disappointment in my father's voice while looking at my son makes me feel like the worst mother in the universe. "Daniela, you should've come home to raise him. I know you hated me, hated the man you were in love with, but he should've been with family."
"He was with family." I uttered the words without a second thought thinking of Malyssa, Luke, and Denver. Not to mention that if I would've brought home a miniature version of Torey he would've flipped his shit. Both Torey and my father would have.
"You did not know they were blood-related at the time. To you they were just strangers." His face turns into one of disgust as he adds, "and the relationship the three of them have... what kind of example is that for Wolf? It's not right."
"They showed Wolfie nothing but love and care." The fierce defensiveness in my tone surprised me.
"That's it. Times up."
"What?! I've barely had time with him."
"Don't get hysterical Daniela."
"But—"
"I said that's it. You've had enough time with him for the day." He walks over and picks Wolf up. The moment my father begins to walk away he starts to cry, reaching out for me. "Hesht!" My father tells him to be quiet again but in a more frustrated tone that has me immediately on my feet.
"Let me carry him to his room. Please, baba, he's just overtired." Before I can plead more the door opens which has Tatyana and Tristan entering the room.
"Take the boy to his room." He hands off Wolf to my mother then leaves the room in an angry manner. My mother follows suit, closing the door behind her, not even letting me say goodnight.
I let myself break down into tears since it seems to be the only thing I'm good at these days. I've tried so hard to be the perfect daughter for my parents, shoved everything deep down inside to be what I think they want me to be. One slip up. One was all it took for them to take him away from me again. I wrap my arms around myself and hug tight. I'm like a shell of the woman I had learned to be months ago at The Watch. I had been strong. I had fought. Now I'm just... this.
Tristan's large body comes to stand directly in front of me. I stare at his chest for a moment before looking up into hazel eyes that are filled with indecision. Just when I think he's about to hug me, or offer me some kind of comfort, he doesn't. He walks around me and drops to his knees next to the blocks. Wordlessly, he begins to pick up the mess that Wolf and I had made.
A/N:
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