A/N - shorter one but idc - THANK YOU FOR 4k😍
TW - this chapter contains scenes some may find upsetting
~~~
The first and last time I attended a funeral, my mother's body was in the coffin.
I remember every second of that day, the way the atmosphere just felt empty, the way everybody just stared with sympathy, the way it felt like the walls were closing in, the way the mound of dirt grew higher as her body was committed to the ground.
I swore I'd never attend another funeral again.
But after seeing how much support my grieving brother needed on what would be one of the worst days of his life, I knew I needed to be there for him. Staring at myself in my mirror and stroking out any sign of a crease on my black dress I let out a sigh, here we were again.
I had a black suit jacket to go over the dress and I'd kept my hair straight as usual; I didn't really understand going overboard for funerals. A knock at my door made me jump, I called out a quick 'come in' and turned back to my reflection, seeing Caleb out of the corner of my eye.
"How you feeling princesa?", he stood behind me, my head literally level with his chest, "the last funeral you attended was hers right?". Hers.
"I'm okay", I nodded, "we need to focus on Xav today, not me". He adjusted his tie and placed both hands on my shoulders, spinning me around to face him.
"Sure Xav is the priority today, but that doesn't mean we're gonna ignore you", he told me, "Xav's the one that suggested you bring Ezra along to make you feel a little better".
"He did that?", I swallowed the lump in my throat and blinked, "how's he even thinking about me right now?".
"Because you're you", he chuckled, "and he's Xav". Yeah, he was right about that.
"So you invited Ezra?", I backtracked and he nodded.
"He's downstairs", he replied and my eyes widened, "don't worry, we've agreed to save the big brother lecture for another day". I cracked a smile and wrapped my arms around his waist, he soon returned the hug and kissed the top of my head.
"Thank you", I whispered and he chuckled.
"You're stronger than you realise Isabella", he told me, pulling apart and checking his all black suit one more time, "go on then, don't keep the guy waiting". I think Ezra was starting to grow on them...
~
The car ride was nothing short of agonising; Zane and Scott were in the driver's and passenger's seats, Cay and the twins were in the back and then Ezra and I were in the back back.
In dead silence.
Aside from the odd sniff that came from Xav or the whispered reassurance that came from Xander, it was completely silent. When we pulled up at the church, nobody made a move to leave the car just yet; until Zane cleared his throat.
"If anyone needs to step out at any time-".
"We let you know", everyone excluding Ezra and I mumbled and I smirked a little.
"Precisely", he nodded, "okay, come on". One by one we all clambered out, I held onto Ezra's hand as we entered the building and looked around for seats; I spotted Jake and Parker amongst the rest of the hockey team at the front, I tapped Xav's shoulder and cocked my head towards them.
"You should sit with the team man", Xander advised, "I'll come with you yeah?". Xav nodded and began to lead the way after sending us a weak smile; this was fucking killing him.
Zane led the rest of us to an empty row a couple back from where the twins now sat; I squeezed in between my eldest brother and Ezra, not missing how close he shuffled towards me as Caleb took the seat to his right.
Xav turned around and as if on instinct, his eyes met Zane's straight away - they exchanged a nod before he turned back around and his shoulders slouched; this was gonna be heartbreaking to witness...
~
To be honest, the service was actually beautiful; a few of Asher's friends told stories about him, his parents- god his parents- gave a speech about their son, and Asher's older brother Arlo delivered one of the best eulogies I'd ever heard.
I mean I'd only heard two, but that's not the point.
The burial, as heart clenching as it was, also warmed my heart at the same time; doves were released along with balloons, it was a beautiful celebration of Asher's life. As people started to disperse or just have their own conversations I glanced around with a frown- where was Xav?
"Xander, you seen Xav?", I asked my brother who was caught up in a conversation with Ezra and Caleb, a trio I never thought I'd see having a seemingly normal conversation.
"He walked off that way, thought he went to piss or something", he pointed off down a path which led into some woodland area.
"I'm gonna go see if he's down there", I announced and he nodded as I turned to Ezra, "you okay here for a sec?".
"I'm fine darlin'", he promised, Caleb made a strangled sound when he called me that and I chuckled, something told me he and Ezra would be good friends soon enough.
I located my brother pretty easily, the woods didn't go too deep and there was literally a bench a few metres down the path.
He was leaning forwards, elbows propped up on his thighs and his chin resting on a palm; I approached him quietly and lowered myself to his left, leaning back and sighing.
"He had a beautiful send off Xav", I said quietly, my eyes narrowing in on his bouncing legs.
"I know", he nodded, "only the best for the best".
"He would've been so proud of you today", I rested my head against him and sighed, "we're all proud of you Xav".
"I don't know how you did it with Mum Izzy, because I can't", he rubbed a hand down his face and let out a shaky breath, "I can't do it". I placed a hand on his vibrating knee and rubbed it, my gaze meeting his.
"You already are", I told him, "you're already doing enough Xav, it takes time y'know?".
"I just want the pain gone", he whispered, wiping the one tear that rolled down his cheek, "I can't do it".
I don't know if that was the grief talking or if I should be genuinely concerned, I made a mental note to speak to Zane later; all I could do now was offer him some comfort.
"We're all here for you, you know that Xav", I reached out for his hand and squeezed it, "you're gonna be okay yeah? It's just gonna take time".
"Yeah", he whispered, squeezing my hand back, "I love you Izzy".
"I love you too Xav", I smiled, "you're gonna be okay". Oh how I wished that would be true.
~~
13 days later
"Are you sure about this?", Zane took the words right out of my mouth as I looked my brother up and down; he was in a brown tracksuit and sporting a smile that didn't quite meet his eyes, "Xavier-".
"I need to get back into routine Zane", he rolled his eyes, "I'm losing the plot".
"But going back to school? Are you sure you're ready?", our eldest brother hadn't taken his eyes off of Xav once since he appeared in the kitchen, the guy looked ready to pounce for fuck's sake.
"I'm not sure about anything anymore", he shrugged, "just let me do this, please?". Zane looked like he was fighting demons in his head, it took him a whole 45 seconds to grumble out a 'fine' before he resumed his coffee making.
"You will return home if need be", that wasn't a question, but an order.
"Yes sir", he mumbled, "you nearly ready Izzy? We're taking my Jeep, Xander's car's too hot in the summer". Summer?
"It's the 18th of March, Xav", I frowned.
"And yet it's hot", he shrugged, "are my teachers gonna kill me? I've missed over a month of school".
"They understand the circumstances Xavier, first the family emergency, then your grief, they understand", he insisted.
"You mean you made them understand", he raised an eyebrow, "I heard you on the phone yesterday". I snorted and Zane sighed, taking a gulp of his coffee and closing his eyes.
"Just get out of here, and you-".
"Be careful and leave if I wanna leave, I know", Xav rolled his eyes, "I'll be fine, you worry too much".
~
Xav was not, in fact, fine.
And Zane, in fact, did not worry too much.
He was kinda his usual, energetic self on the way in the car, but as soon as he laid his eyes upon that building it was like something snapped in him.
It took a twenty minute conversation with Xander and a ten minute phone call to convince Xav to turn around and go back home, he wasn't ready yet and that was okay.
Xander, much to my surprise, decided to stay in school with me. I wasn't surprised however, to find out he was staying to spend quality time with Talon who he'd barely seen recently.
I found out from Amelia that it was Ezra's 17th on the 21st- three fucking days time, and he told me he had no intention of telling me about it, claiming he didn't wanna add more to my plate. So I completely ignored him, and now Theo and Cay were taking Amelia and I shopping.
"You should get an outfit- y'know, an outfit outfit", Amelia wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at me in the backseat of Cay's red Range Rover, Theo's head snapped to us in an instant, "bet he'll love that".
"No", he pointed a finger at his sister.
"There will be no buying of outfit outfits", Caleb scowled, "ever".
"I didn't agree to it", I defended myself, "plus, I wouldn't be able to sneak that past any of them".
"True", Amelia huffed in disappointment. When we all climbed out of the car I was eager to buy as much shit as I could, I grabbed Amelia's wrist and dragged her to our first destination while the guys grumbled behind us.
"I hate shopping", Cay muttered and Theo nodded, "it's all 'oh my god look at this!' or 'will this make me look hot?'". I rolled my eyes and turned back to Amelia, proceeding to check out the clothes; Ezra wasn't gonna know what hit him...
~
"This can't be healthy", I stared at the spread of fast food surrounding us all, "I'm gonna go into cardiac arrest".
"Can you do that after we've eaten?", Caleb stuffed some chips into his mouth and groaned, "so fucking good man".
"Where are your table manners?", Amelia scrunched her face up in disgust, "animals".
"You can't- you can't t-t-talk Lia", Theo rolled his eyes and Amelia snorted.
"You can't talk Theo", my jaw dropped and Caleb choked on his drink, he patted his own chest a few times while spluttering before looking at his best friend.
"I'll- I'll give you that", Theo muttered, giving his sister a fist bump. At least he could take a joke I guess.
"Now that, that was out of pocket", Caleb chuckled, "no chill Lia".
"Yeah well", she shrugged, "he loves me really". Theo didn't answer, but the smile tugging at his lips said otherwise.
So far we'd been into four shops and I had three bags of shit, I had one final destination and Ezra's presents were complete- all I could say was I was a goddamn genius.
"He's gonna drown in all the shit you've brought him", Amelia inspected my bags down by my feet and chuckled.
"He's gonna think you love him or something", Cay muttered and I stayed quiet- did I? Love Ezra, I mean?, "you didn't speak, you do love him". Oh christ.
"I'm so happy for you!", Amelia squeezed me and I gazed at Theo pleadingly; he just shrugged and sipped his drink.
"Get off", I shoved her away, "I never said anything about love, I just- I dunno". I mean, nobody made me feel the way Ezra did, I didn't kiss anybody like how I kissed Ezra, and he trusted me with one of his biggest flaws- god Izzy.
"She's in love before me", Caleb pouted, "what kind of bullshit is this?".
"Ask your-yourself", Theo shrugged and I snorted, "are we- are we nearly uh, are we-". He paused and sipped his drink with a frown, Caleb smirked and ruffled his best friend's hair, leaving it looking like a blonde haystack.
"Are we...?", he prompted and received a glare, "what?".
"Are we nearly d-d-done here?", he asked, "bored".
"Just because you're not sticking a needle and ink into someone right now", Amelia rolled her eyes, "Izzy has one more store and I have two".
"Brilliant", they muttered simultaneously, always in sync.
~~
By the time Cay and I got home I was well and truly shattered, I said a brief hello and goodnight to Zane and Scott before disappearing upstairs and getting into the shower; fucking exhausted.
I engulfed my body in fluffy pyjamas and got into bed- I kid you not the second I closed my eyes the bedroom door knocked. Just let me sleep man. I called out a muffled 'come in' into my pillow and lifted my head to see who it was, safe to say I didn't expect it to be Xander.
"Hey", he nodded once, I propped myself up on my elbows and squinted at him- were those...bruises?
"What happened to you?", I blurted out and he smirked.
"Nice to see you too", he muttered, "good day?". My eyes narrowed in on his bloody knuckles and I sighed- god Xander.
"You're bleeding", I told him and he rolled his eyes.
"It's nothing Bella", he dismissed me and I swung my legs back out of bed, "what are you doing?".
"Sorting you out, you never clean those", I replied, dragging my feet into the bathroom and grabbing some wipes and bandages; when I returned he was already sitting on a chair opposite my bed, "do I even wanna know?".
"You should see the other guy", he grinned and I shook my head, "I had to do it".
"You don't need to justify yourself to me", he didn't even blink as I cleaned his cuts and began to wrap them up.
"You sound like Zane", he smiled a little, "he never asks for an explanation, only tried to calm me down".
"And are you? Calm I mean?", I moved onto his left hand and he hummed.
"As calm as ever", his smile widened which only made me smile too, "y'know, Santiago would tell us there was beauty in anger". I didn't question why he was speaking about that man right now, I just let him have it.
"He sounds like a...stupid man", I nodded and he laughed, throwing his head back.
"Understatement of the year Bella", he grinned, "anyway, I find beauty in anger and I think I got that from him, does that make me a bad person?". Was he even sober right now?
"Have you had something to drink?", I frowned, finishing up his hand.
"No, but I've got a fucking amazing adrenaline rush from that fight", he flashed another smile and I snorted, he could definitely pass as drunk right now.
"It doesn't make you a bad person Xander", I went back to his previous question, "you were raised to believe that and it's all you knew - you're not a bad person".
"Thanks Bella", he nodded, inspecting his hands, "we've got a doctor in the house hm?".
"You wish", I scoffed, "can I sleep now?".
"Go ahead, don't wanna be too tired for school do we?", he teased and I rolled my eyes, pulling the duvet back over my body, "night Bella".
"Night Xander", I yawned, letting sleep finally consume me.
~~~
A/N - Idek man ITS 2am ALLOW ME 🏃🏾♀️