KHUSHI
I inhaled deep breaths trying to calm myself down, my whole body was trembling and I was feeling out of breaths, seeing him again was so difficult, I was trying so hard to be okay on my own, to accept that he won't love me and just be normal and then he shows up again and messes up with my mind.
That was the whole reason why I blocked his number. I didn't want to see him, to talk to him or be in touch with him in any way whatsoever, that was the only way I thought I could heal from this but here he was again.
Why was he making it harder for me? It was clear I dint mean as much as Sona to him and I was trying to make my peace with it, why wouldn't he let me?
I leaned against my car, but this feeling wouldn't go away, I knew it was just a panic attack and I would be okay in a few minutes but I hated feeling this way, I wished it would stop.
So far, I had tried drowning myself into work, going out with Manvi to crazy places hoping it would distract me and just roam around the town anytime I was busy so I would stop feeling whatever I was feeling, but none of it seemed to be helping, so today I tried a new technique, acting like a stranger.
I thought that maybe if I acted like I didn't know him and dint care about his existence whatsoever, it would make things better, but it didn't, it just made things worse. I never wanted him to be a stranger to me, he meant the whole world to me, I wish he could see that.
As I finally calmed down and the panic attack stopped, I got into my car and drove back home where NK and Manvi were waiting for me.
"You said you'll be back in ten minutes, it's been like over an hour, I called you and you didn't pick, do you get how worried I was?" Manvi asked.
"I'm sorry, I ran into Arnav." I shrugged.
"What? You ran into him? Did you talk to him? Why are you doing this to yourself again Khushi?" She stood up and walked towards me, she seemed angry at me and worried at the same time.
"I didn't talk to him, though he kept on saying he had something to say to me but I just acted like I didn't even know him... it's getting too much, I don't think I can handle this pain." I said sadly.
"Maybe you don't have to handle it. Did you try talking to him at least? Listen to him for once, maybe whatever he has to say is a way to end all this pain?" NK suggested.
"I thought the same too, I tried to go talk to him that day at the wedding, but then seeing him with Sona just made me change my mind. With her around, I'm sure I don't mean much to him anyway, so whatever he might have had to say, isn't worth listening to."
"Exactly." Manvi agreed with me.
"Okay, the both of you are acting insane here! Look I get it, he hurt you but if he's been trying to talk to you every chance he gets don't you think it might really be important? You can't just assume things without talking to him Khushi, things aren't always what they seem to be.
If he was with Sona, I don't think he would be trying so hard to talk to you. I get it, it's hard and maybe you can't face him, but you can at least call him, or text him and ask him what it was that he wanted to say, if you fear facing him, then talk to him over a call but give it a chance at least." NK looked pretty angry.
I know he was right, but he had ended up disappointing me so many times, what was to say he wouldn't do the same again?
"What are you waiting for?" He asked.
"I blocked his number." I bit my lips nervously.
"Oh God... just unblock it and send him a text or something, come on Khushi, stop being so unreasonable."
"She's not being unreasonable, she's trying to protect herself here, he has hurt her so many times and he had the chance to choose and he dint choose her." Manvi said in my defense.
"Yes, but he didn't choose Sonakshi either. Look at me Khushi, the time you were attracted to Arnav, if he had asked you whether you loved him or not, what would you have said? Feelings take time, it's not like one day you are attracted to someone and then second day you are in love, it took time for you to realize it right? So why can't it be the same with him? He dint break up with you, you did. He said he won't leave you, he just needed time to figure things out, so what's wrong with that?
Would you rather he just lied to you that he was in love with you without actually being in love with you? He was willing to continue being with you, he was willing to continue dating and that's how people fall in love, they continue seeing the person they are attracted to until they finally fall in love with them, it's not something that happens overnight.
I get it, to some extent he was wrong, but you weren't right either. I've been here the entire time and seen how miserable you have been without him and maybe this is the one chance you have to give him to stop being miserable, it's upon you whether to take it or not." NK said.
Manvi and I both looked at him in shock, all these days he had been with us, he was always so silent about this situation, he wouldn't say much, he would mostly try to cheer me up and make me feel better but today he was saying so much, it was like he wanted to say it since long but he couldn't.
"So you want her to forget how he acted when Sonakshi came back?" Manvi asked. Why were these two fighting because of me now?
"He made a mistake, so punish him for the rest of his life? Seriously! She was the love of his life, he can't be glad that she isn't dead? You two are being so unreasonable here. It's human to mistake Khushi, don't punish him for that, I'm not even asking you to give him a second chance, but why can't you just listen to what he has to say? Just talk to him for once at least? If he hasn't given up on trying to talk to you, why are you giving up so easily? You might get a closure from this if nothing else, and isn't that worth it? The closure, for peace of your own mind"
I just stared at him blankly for a while and then nodded. He was right, I needed to talk to him, I needed to know what he has to say, otherwise I was always going to wonder what it was and wouldn't be in peace either. It was better if we talked and had a proper closure.
"Fine, I'll call him." I said as I unlocked my phone and finally unblocked his number. I stared at the screen nervously still battling my mind on whether I should call him or not, and then NK gave me a strict looks I pressed the call button.
"Khushi!" He received my call, his voice sounded surprised and happy at the same time.
"Arnav..." I didn't know what to say, what was I supposed to talk to him about after acting like a total stranger to him at the mall?
"Why didn't you reply to my text? Why wouldn't you talk to me?" He asked.
"What text?" I asked in confusion.
"The one I sent last week. It dint mean anything to you? It didn't make you feel anything at all? Why are you ignoring me like this? I just wanted to talk to you?" He asked. He had sent me a text? I don't remember receiving any text from him, or that was after I blocked him? Maybe.
"Why aren't you saying anything? Do you hate me now? Please don't hate me. No one ever loves me, everyone leaves. What am I saying? Does it make sense?"
It was as if he was talking to himself and he sounded confused, it was unlike Arnav to talk like this.
"Arnav, are you drunk?" I asked, I mean it was the only way it could make sense, the way he was talking and just the way his voice sounded, he seemed drunk.
"Maybe, will that make you hate me more?" He asked.
"Okay, how about you sleep, get rid of the alcohol effects by tomorrow morning and then we talk? I'm ready to listen to whatever it was that you wanted to talk to me about." I said.
"No! I want to talk right now. What if you change your mind tomorrow?" He asked.
"I won't I promise. We'll talk tomorrow okay?"
"What if you say you don't know who I am when I try to talk to you again?"
"I... I won't. Just calm down and get some sleep, we'll talk tomorrow the first thing in the morning okay?"
"Okay." He finally agreed, I disconnected the call and looked at NK, deep down I was glad he made me talk to Arnav, I don't know, it just felt so good, as if some heavy burden had lifted off my chest. I had no idea what he wanted to talk to me about and even though I was scared that he might hurt me again, I just wanted to know what it was.
"He was drunk, we'll talk tomorrow." I said to NK.
"Good. Anyway I'll get going, it's pretty late, I'll see you tomorrow?" He looked at Manvi.
"Yeah, I'll call you." She said as she hugged him goodbye, I was glad that they weren't having a fight because of me.
*****
The first thing I did after waking up the next morning was to check my phone, I don't know what I was expecting but I knew Arnav must still be asleep because he was too drunk, and I wasn't even sure if he would remember I called him last night.
So I decided to send him a text just in case he didn't remember.
'Hey, I called last night, you sounded drunk so we decided to talk today, just texting in case you don't remember. Call me when you're ready to talk.' I pressed the send button and then headed to take a shower.
I was still so nervous, I couldn't stop thinking what he wanted to talk to me about and if it was going to make thing easier for me or harder.
I got dressed and decided to head to work, I couldn't just stay home and wait for him to call me back, he would call whenever he woke up and was sober and we could talk even if I was at work right.
I headed out of my room hoping to get my usual cup of coffee that Manvi always made for me, but instead of the coffee, I was met with a surprise.
Yes, you guessed it right. It was Arnav, he was right here, seated on the sofa. I thought we were going to talk over a call or text maybe? Now that he was here and I knew it was going to be face to face it just made me more nervous. Was I even ready for it.
"I'll leave you two to talk." Manvi said as she headed to her room leaving us alone.
"Khushi." He stood up immediately and rushed towards me wrapping both his arms around me holding me into a tight hug.
Here comes the feeling I thought was gone. This, being in his arms felt so good, so peaceful, it felt like everything would be okay even though I wasn't sure it was going to be okay. This moment right here was all I needed really, to heal me, to heal every broken part of me.
So I closed my eyes and hugged him back, I dint know what conversation we were about to have so who knew this might be my last time holding him like this, and feeling this way, if that was the case, I wanted to make sure I had enough of this feeling before I had none of it.