Benedict was absolutely ready for this to be over. Eight months of his best friend not showering. Barely eating. Jogging obsessively. He sat at a small round table in the New York City café bouncing his leg to try and work out the nerves. If this didn't work he didn't know what would. It had to be fate that Tom and Caris were in the same city on this one night.
He spotted the curly mess appear in the doorway above all the other heads and hats, and slowly work its way through the mass of people standing by the front counter ordering coffee and treats to go. Tom made eye contact with Benedict and flashed him a weak smile. He wasn't convincing anyone that he was happy.
"Hey, Ben. Good to see you." Tom said as he pulled his chair out and took a seat across from his friend.
"Good to see you too, mate. You look awful." Ben wasn't one for false niceties.
"Thanks." Tom replied. He knew how he looked. He didn't care.
"I ordered you a tea and a scone. I ordered you two scones, actually. And a sandwich."
Tom sighed deeply and put his elbows on the table, leaning his head on his palms. "Thanks, but I'm not very hungry."
He truly did look terrible, Ben thought to himself. His beard was overgrown. Unkempt. His hair was unruly. He had stopped bothering to put in contacts, his glasses had thick frames and made his eyes look ginormous from some angles. He looked the same from the outside, but Ben was willing to bet he was losing weight.
"Whether you are hungry or not you are going to eat the food I have ordered for you." Benedict had grown impatient with Tom's sullenness. He still sympathized, and he longed for a way to make things better, but he was growing irritable in the absence of the friend he once knew. But today he had hope. He might have a way to find Tom some closure.
Thankfully the food and drinks came quickly. Benedict had brought a script he was studying for his next film and tried to focus on it while Tom picked at his food. The two men had seen each other plenty of times since Caris and Tom's split. Each time struggling more and more to carry a conversation. It had become normal for there to be a comfortable silence between them while just enjoying each other's presence.
Tom surprisingly finished all the food in front of him. Ben thought he could see an improvement in his appearance immediately. His skin just didn't look as dull as it had before nourishment. Benedict closed the script and sat it on his crossed legs. He took a deep breath and took the leap.
"I have some information that might interest you." He stated. Tom was matching his pose, crossing his legs and folding his arms across his chest.
"Is it related to the film you're reading?" Tom asked nodding towards the script.
"No. No, it's about Caris actually." Tom's expression shifted immediately. It was somewhere between excited, intrigued, and terrified. "She's in town." Benedict said.
Tom nodded. "Yes well I heard she's been working on some projects. I'm not surprised one of them would take her to New York."
Benedict nodded. "She's on the show with me tonight."
Tom's head cocked to the side. "Really?"
"Yes she's the musical guest." Ben watched Tom comprehend what he just heard.
Ben would be on SNL in less than twelve hours and Caris would be there too. Debuting songs from what Tom could only assume to be her first album. He was so proud. She always wanted to record her own music.
When they had met on the set of 'I See The Light' Caris was hired to give him vocal lessons. Every day he was stunned by how incredible her voice was. He fell in love with how she sang, and it turned to how she spoke, and then how she moved, and before he knew it he completely surrendered himself to her. He spent the most incredible year of his life with her after that. He couldn't understand what he had done to deserve such a magnificent force in his life. He felt too lucky.
And her best friend Ashley never let him forget that it was true. She reminded him constantly that he was never Caris' type in the past. His body, his accent, his personality. She often questioned his motives and made bold accusations. Finally, she convinced them both that they were moving too fast and they needed a break. They should let the passion die down and really think if it was what they both really wanted. Before he could tell Caris that he had never been surer of anything in his life- Ashley confronted him outside Caris' house and admitted that she had feelings for him the entire time. She kissed him against his will. They both saw the camera flash from the bushes across the street and it took no time for the tabloids to tell Caris, and everyone else in the Western world that he was a cheater. Caris and him hadn't spoken since.
Benedict knew the truth. He encouraged Tom many times before to tell Caris what really happened. Caris wouldn't speak to Benedict no matter how many times he tried to call her personally. He knew she wanted Tom to reach out to her. He was the only one she would listen to. Tom convinced himself that she didn't want to hear from him. He wouldn't reach out, she needed space. And if he ever did it had to be in person and he had no idea where she was anymore.
But now he did.
"Tom." Benedict shook him from his thoughts. "Now is your chance. You must come to the recording tonight and talk to her. Tell her the truth. This isn't over for either of you, you need closure."
On any other day Tom would have refused. But something about the protein in the sandwich, or the sugar in the scones gave him the energy and the will to agree. He was going to tell her he needed her back. Tonight.
***
Caris had spent all day rehearsing and had finally gotten a break for equipment set up and to get through hair and makeup, which had taken an offensive amount of time. She was struggling to keep a tight grip on her cup of warm tea and honey. She couldn't contain the fear of performing her songs to the world tonight. Everyone would hear the pain she had been feeling. Tom would hear it. Maybe the embarrassment would fill him with the same sorrow she had been plagued with for eight grueling months. She didn't want to ruin him. But she wanted him to regret what he did.
She kept glancing at the clock on the wall. She had thirty minutes before she went on stage. She had the TV volume turned all the way down. The last thing she needed as an added stressor to her day was seeing Benedict in ridiculous costumes, doing voices. He usually saved the impressions for after a few whiskeys on a double date.
"You're all done, honey. Let us know what you think." Caris stood and walked toward the floor length mirror in the dressing room's lavatory. She was surprised her legs were holding up her body so confidently. She swore they were going to turn to jelly. When she saw her reflection she felt her heart break a little more.
"Its perfect. Thank you." The stylists gathered their items and left the dressing room.
She sat at her vanity and was haunted by the woman looking back, the last time she had seen herself looking like this she was happy. He would remember this dress. He would remember the shoes. Her hair was exactly how it was that night. The night he told her he loved her. She heard a knock on the door followed by a shout, "Ready in ten!" she took a deep breath. No amount of oxygen would prepare her for what she was about to do.
***
Tom snuck into the studio with Benedict's help. It didn't take too much sneaking, but none the less he felt unwelcome. Every now and then a pair of eyes would fall on him and look confused. "Isn't that the man who cheated on tonight's guest?"
He wondered if someone was going to warn her of his presence. He didn't want her to know he was there until after the show. The last thing he wanted was for her to be thrown off her game on such an important day by him. He had done enough to hurt her, he didn't want to ruin this experience. When the show had gone to commercial break and he had heard the musical guest was up next he found a spot behind a very tall, broad man to keep himself hidden. He had a perfect view of the stage and was completely incognito.
He was sure if anyone looked they would see his heart beating through his chest. Something about knowing she was in the building and about to be standing only a few feet from him made him start to sweat. He feared he might pass out.
There was a clock on the wall counting down the seconds until the performance began in large red characters. He stared as it went from two minutes, to one, to thirty seconds. He took deep, shaky breaths. He overheard the couple in front of him say, "yeah, I've never heard of her before. It might be a good time to use the bathroom." It didn't register until the clock hit 03 seconds and he realized his shield had begun walking away. He was frozen. His legs refused to budge. Yet he was standing directly in front of the microphone. Fuck.
***
Caris felt like she might actually vomit on the microphone as she watched a stagehand put their fingers down one by one until the final finger closed into a fist and the curtains were drawn open.
"Ladies and Gentleman," Benedict said, "Caris Peters." Followed by applause.
The chorus in the background began harmonizing and Caris started hallucinating. She pictured Tom right in front of her, looking absolutely terrible. Well Tom on his worst day looked better than any man she'd seen before, but he looked like a shell of a person. It wasn't until he moved to put his hands in his jean pockets that she realized it was really him. He was really there. And she was dressed the way she was, singing the song she wrote about him. The ball in her stomach felt as it had grown gills and it was rising up her throat, scraping the surface along the way.
She closed her eyes. He's not there, Caris. This is the most important day of your career. He can't take this from you, too.
She began to sing. "Blue guilty eyes and little white lies. Yeah, I played dumb but I always knew."
As she sang the verse she had practiced a thousand times before, seeing him in front of her brought the pain back to the words that had grown dull. She was flooded with the heartbreak she felt when she wrote them. She told herself so many times not to feel bad when she released the song, Tom knew he was dating an artist and he knew the risk of being the subject of one of her works. If he didn't treat her so badly she wouldn't have written about him in the first place. Why should she feel bad for using the one outlet available to her to make the pain go away? The chorus began.
"You betrayed me. And I know that you'll never feel sorry for the way I hurt, yeah. You talked to her while we were together. Loved you at your worst, but that didn't matter. It took you two weeks to go off and date her. I guess you didn't cheat, but you're still a traitor."
***
Tom couldn't bear it. He just couldn't continue to watch. Without thought he turned on his heel and shoved past whoever was in his way to leave. He walked until he reached a wall and followed it. He had no idea where he was going and he didn't care. He just needed to get away. A hand wrapped around his upper arm and he was ushered down a hallway of dressing rooms.
"I'm sorry, Tom." Benedict said. "I had no idea that's what her song was about." Tom couldn't bring himself to respond. He was no longer feeling upset, he wasn't angry. He truly felt nothing. He wondered if he was in shock.
"I've got to get out of here, Ben. Please. Get me outside." Ben nodded and told Tom to follow, stating he could sneak him out the way they came in. He stood and walked out of the room, and Tom followed close after. He was desperate for fresh air. The studio had begun to feel twenty degrees warmer and humid. He thought he might suffocate.
Ben led him down the long hall of dressing rooms, he kept peaking down hallways that branched off to make sure he recognized where he was going. They didn't run into many people thankfully. After a few moments Ben turned a corner and Tom blindly followed. "Oh fuck." Ben said, Tom comprehended the sentiment after nearly bumping into his friend who was frozen in his tracks.
"Tom." Caris said, "you're here." He looked up at her and took a deep breath. He opened his mouth to answer but realized he couldn't hear anything. Why couldn't he hear his response? Then he realized- he couldn't speak. He was speechless. Frozen. "Could I talk to you in private?" She asked with a pained expression. "My dressing room is right next to you."
He was able to nod. He turned towards the door to his left and opened. He entered and when he turned around Caris had followed and was closing the door behind her.
***
She was using every bit of strength she had to keep her eyes off him. The more she looked at him the more guilty she felt. The more hurt returned to her already wounded self-esteem.
"Tom, you look unwell." Caris said, taking a seat in front of a vanity in her dressing room, facing him. Tom had opted for leaning against a wall, hands in his pockets, head hanging low.
"I'm sorry." He said.
Caris shook her head. "You don't have to apologize. The way you look is none of my business. I just hope Ashley isn't treating you badly, I know she can drain people. I hope that's not what causing-"
"No." Tom interrupted. "I'm sorry that you ever thought Ashley and me were together. We're not. Never were." He paused. "I'm so sorry Caris. That song, I can't believe I spent these last eight months not helping you feel better. I can't believe I made you feel that way to begin with. I-" His voice choked. Caris looked up at him and regretted it immediately. His eyes were filled with tears and he was looking at her. No, through her. Into her.
"That's all over now. I don't want to think about it anymore." Caris said. "It's the only thing I thought about for far too long and I just," She sighed, "I just want to focus on my career now. That's why I asked to talk to you."
She had to take her eyes back off him again. She looked down at her hands on her lap and started picking at her nails.
"I hope you understand that my music is how I cope. It's how I did cope. And it's not my intention to harm you in any way with my lyrics. The press might have something to say and I wanted to apologize in advance. That's all."
Tom pushed himself off the wall and got on his knee in front of Caris. She felt the urge to move away, but her body had been through enough turmoil for one day and it refused to obey. She stayed seated and met his eye. They were so blue. And the bags under his eyes glistened with the stain of old tears that must have begun to dry while she was looking away. She wanted to kiss his eyes and taste the salt of his skin. Tell him it was ok. Even after all the hurt he caused, she found herself wanting to make him feel better.
"You think I care, Caris? You think I care about the press right now?" he put his hand over her hands in her lap, forcing her to stop picking at the skin. His hand was cold and dry, much like how the last three seasons had felt for them both. "Caris, the only thing I'll ever care about is you. Forever. You have to understand what happened that night. I came to your apartment for you. Because that break was the dumbest thing we had ever done. And Ashley kissed me. I didn't kiss her back. I didn't have any feelings for her except hate. Hate is a strong word but I hated that woman. I called and my number was blocked. I figured you needed space. But space turned into weeks and months and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to talk to you in person but your apartment was empty. You left."
Caris hadn't noticed that she was crying until a tear fell onto their hands and slid in between their fingers.
"Because it wasn't just a kiss, Tom." She was whispering. Her voice had given up, along with her ability to move. "It was months of me watching us grow apart. You stopped feeling comfortable around me, you acted like you were disgusted by me. You were so reserved and distant. You stopped joking with me, you stopped touching me. Even if it wasn't because you were in love with Ashley. You certainly weren't in love with me."
"Of course I am." Tom said. Caris looked back up to those eyes. They were being honest. She could tell in an instant. This man had loved her for the last eight months and suffered because he thought that's what she wanted. "I was reserved because Ashley had me convinced you didn't like me the way that I was. You didn't like my voice so I didn't speak. You didn't like my body so I didn't touch." He squeezed her hand as he spoke, as if she was a lifeline he had to hold onto. "Caris, if there's an ounce of you that thinks you might still love me I need to know. If I go the rest of my life never being with you again I can do that if I know it's what you want. I can do what makes you happy. Please just tell me. Just tell me what it is."
Caris chuckled through her tears, which were flowing in a constant stream. "Tom did you hear the song? Of course I still love you. I've been hurting so badly because I knew from the day we started that break I wouldn't ever love anyone else. It's just you."
Tom grabbed Caris' arm and pulled her into an embrace. She dropped from the chair onto the floor and he pulled her so close, she was practically in his lap. She buried her face in his neck and smelled him and felt his skin against her cheek. She swore one day the way they felt when they were together would create a power surge and trip all the breakers in the country. She pulled back from their hug to placed her hand on his cheek and stared at his lips. She could remember how they felt against hers and was desperate to feel it again. As she went to kiss the man she loved she was startled by a bang on the dressing room door.
"Ready in ten!"
Her heart fell back to the pit of her stomach. "Oh no." She muttered.
Tom squeezed her tighter, "What is it?" They were still so close, she could feel his breath on her lips.
"I have to perform again."
"Okay." He said, not understanding her concern.
"Tom." She said hesitantly, "I really do apologize in advance for my songs. I have to go sing another song about my broken heart."
Tom smirked, "It's truly fine, darling. We can get through anything together. How bad can they be?"
Caris dropped her head back onto his shoulder. "I'm probably going to have to apologize a few more times."