*🔞Warning! This chapter contains sexual content that is intended for adult readers. You have been warned.🔞*
Enjoy 😉
I can't believe I actually said it! Oh my gosh!
We went back to watching T.V as if nothing happened. I'm a nervous wreck!
In movies people don't like ask, they just do it. Ugh, I'm such a geek aren't I?! Why did I ask? Wait...maybe it's okay since we aren't dating. I mean, how is he supposed to know what's on my mind anyway? We said we needed to have open communication.
Yeah...asking is fine...I did good...right?
Oh no!
He's quiet!
He's been quiet for a while.
Oh no! What did I do?!
My mind is going a billion miles an hour, panicking about how I messed up big time. I wonder if this was all a mistake, I mean, he just wants to hang out with me during his time off and I just had to go ahead and drop this on him.
"Javi...", I finally built up the courage to say.
He turned his head to look at me.
"Hm?"
"I made this so awkward, didn't I?"
"What, no way!"
"No I did, I really messed this up...gosh...I'm so stupid-", I said as I let my head fall into my hands.
He put his hand on my shoulder.
"Sarina stop! One, you're not stupid and two you didn't mess anything up."
I lifted my head up.
"I just thought..."
"Stop jumping to conclusions...I was really taken off guard by this but not in a bad way. Like, I fought hard not to think about you like that and now you've asked me to do it with you...it's a lot to think about. I want to make it special and this apartment isn't really ideal. I don't have all the skills in the book. I don't want you to hate it."
"How can I hate it Javi...I'm afraid you'll hate me and that I'll be boring because I have absolutely zero skills...I don't even watch that stuff...I don't know anything. Sometimes I feel like I don't even kiss you right but you say you enjoy it because maybe you don't want to hurt my feelings..."
I caught Javi's hurt expression from the corner of my eye.
"Is that really what goes through your mind", he asked in a sad tone.
I looked at him, I didn't mean it like that.
"Sometimes...", I said as I looked down at my knees.
He let out a sigh.
"I'm not trying to sound upset but...I really don't understand how you see yourself this way...did anyone say negative things to you to make you feel this way or something?"
I shook my head.
"No, just stupid teenage girl thoughts and the occasional comparing myself to others. I just thought...maybe after...we like do it...I'll have more confidence or something."
He relaxed back onto the couch.
"They always say your first time is amazing and you'll feel like a different person but that's all a lie. If you aren't confident now, you never will be. That's something you have to work on for yourself. I always try my best to shower you with affection but at the end of the day I can't change you, I really do want to but I can't. So if this is what you really want, I'll do it, I'll do anything for you."
I looked up at him and smiled. I then threw my arms around his shoulders, hugging him.
"You always know the right things to say", I said.
He chuckled.
"So do you, remember when I was all depressed at the hospital", he asked as we separated.
"I just had to knock some sense into you."
"Yeah, and you literally did that."
I laughed.
"That was the only way I could get to you, you weren't listening."
"So, I should do the same thing to you?"
I quickly backed off.
"You wouldn't dare. Guys can't hit girls."
"Things are equal now."
I got onto my back, protecting myself with my legs, laughing the entire time.
"I can kick pretty hard", I warned.
"I've been working out lately so your legs are no match for me."
He easily took hold of my legs, forcing them down onto the couch and then apart before crawling between them to hover over me.
"Done fighting", he asked.
"As long as you won't try anything."
He raised his eyebrow. "Hm...I can't make promises."
He didn't move off of me and I didn't bother to move away. Maybe it's up to me to take charge this time. Javi was right, I can't just gain confidence out of nowhere, I need to make that change happen for myself, and...this is a start.
My hands came up around his neck, pulling him down to me until our faces were inches apart. I was nervous but I told myself this is what I wanted.
I lifted up a little, just enough to close the gap between our lips. Javi then pushed me back down with the kiss.
I cleared my head of any doubts and just allowed myself to feel. Naturally our bodies felt good, I can see how some people can do it with someone they've just met. That's not my thing when it comes to a stranger but with Javi, I trust him wholeheartedly.
The more we kissed and the new techniques he introduced to me resulted in me wanting more. My nerves started to fade away for now because I was enjoying this so much.
"You want to move to my room", he asked after letting up off of me.
"Yes."
He got up, taking my hand as he led me to his room. He went to lay down on his bed first, pulling me down with him. We were both on our sides as we continued the make-out session.
We've been kissing for longer than we've ever allowed between us. I was feeling all kinds of things, the shyness was very apparent now. I had to hide my face in his shoulder when we broke apart.
"You okay", he asked in a soft voice.
"Yeah. Everything just feels...different."
"A good different, right?"
I nodded.
I could feel his hands on my sides, they started moving under my shirt. He also moved his body closer to mine.
"Do you want to keep going", he asked.
I rolled over onto my back.
"Like go all naked?"
He laughed.
"If that's what you want."
"I don't know what comes next."
"Well, we can touch each other. You can learn what a guy feels like...all over."
"Why are there so many steps", I complained.
He chuckled.
"It doesn't seem like much when you really get into it. You don't think about it. We'll only go as far as you want to or you can have me lead and tell me to stop when you want to."
"I like the second option. I started the kiss, I think that's good enough."
"I won't reject that option."
His hands came back to my shirt, slowly lifting it up. I could tell he was ready to stop as soon as I said the word but I didn't plan on it. I helped him out by lifting my arms so he could remove it. He quickly followed suit by taking his shirt off so I won't be lonely.
He really does have a great body.
"Lost for words", he said.
I rolled my eyes.
"Javi stop, you know you look amazing."
"So do you."
"I just have a squishy belly", I said with a pout.
"Um...let's not forget about the huge boobs. Only one bra away before I can see them, a dream come true."
I laughed.
"So you have thought about me that way."
"I said I tried not to think about you in that way, I never said I was good at it."
I laughed again.
"Fine, you can take it off but like...slowly..."
"Of course."
He bent down to kiss me again as his hand went under my back, reaching for the bra clasp so he could unhook it. I felt the back come apart. He then started removing it. My hands quickly came up to cover my boobs instinctually.
"Come on Sarina, I really want to see, please", he begged.
"O-Okay...just don't stare at them."
"I won't."
I slowly removed my hands. His eyes went right to them, he couldn't help but stare.
"They're amazing you know."
"I-I guess."
"Can I touch them", he asked.
"S-Sure."
The nervousness and shyness I was feeling made me close my eyes. I felt his hands take hold of them gently. I never felt what I'm feeling right now.
A few minutes later I felt him stop, he sat up on his knees.
"You know, you're free to touch me too", he said.
"I already felt your abs, remember?"
"Not, that, I mean...you know."
He moved to lay down on his side again, slowly turning me to face him.
"We can do it to each other so we both feel good."
"But I-I won't know-"
"Don't worry, I can show you, okay?"
I don't think I ever felt so nervous and shy all at once. My heart is hammering out of my chest. I swear I think someone can hear it from miles away.
What we're about to do is something big, well to me at least.
Javi sensed my hesitation and moved closer to comfort me with a kiss.
"You know, you're not the only one feeling nervous", he said.
"Really?"
"Just like you're wondering how you're doing, I'm thinking the same thing."
"But you're like...perfect Javi."
"And so are you."
He took my hand.
"But I'm a newbie...not a pro like you-"
I stopped what I was saying as soon as I felt where he placed my hand, he looked at me, waiting for a response.
"Is this okay", he asked.
I couldn't speak so I nodded.
His hand moved to the same area on me, I instinctively jumped, not in a bad way it just...
"Feels good right", he asked. "You're making me feel the same."
"I-I seem to be more...reactive..."
He chuckled.
"Because you girls are lucky. Have you done this to yourself before?"
I looked away shyly. No one has ever asked me this question, even Grace thinks I never ventured that far.
"A-A few times", I admitted.
"Well, it'll feel the same, it's just better to have someone else do it. I'll be careful and you can tell me to stop anytime, okay?"
I nodded.
He moved in to kiss me again. I was feeling both sensations at once, of course it felt good. The new sounds I was making made him work harder.
A few minutes into it, Javi went even further. I felt him undo his pants and then mine. His hand slipped into my panties, making contact. My reaction made him take my hand to his center, moving it in a way to make him feel good.
Guilt came creeping in. I definitely am crossing the line my parents set out for me when I was a teen. Even though I am an adult, I still feel nervous they might find out somehow. Of all the things I've been through recently, I can't believe this is the one thing I'm most nervous about them finding out. Maybe it's because I've been hiding so much from them.
I could feel the buildup of pleasure as we continue, well as Javi continued. I could no longer go on as my body was reacting on its own. My mind drifted off against my will.
My eyes were closed tightly as the feeling of pleasure continued to increase according to the way he moved his fingers and the speed.
Suddenly in my mind, his face popped up.
My eyes snapped open and I quickly sat up.
"Sarina? Hey, what's wrong? Did I hurt you", he asked with concern as he sat up quickly too.
"No...I..."
What? Why did...why did I just think of Tyler while...while we were doing that?
I felt Javi take hold of me.
"Hey, talk to me, did I hurt you? Was I too rough? You can be honest, please, just tell me."
I can't tell him. I feel so terrible. Isn't this what cheaters do, isn't this what they think about, someone else?
"It's nothing Javi, we can-"
He sat in front of me.
"No...Sarina we are stopping. I...I knew there was more to this."
"Huh", I said.
"Sarina, be straight with me. Why did you want to have sex with me?"
His expression was serious.
"If someone hurt you, I swear to God I'll-"
"No one hurt me, I promise."
"How can I believe you if you did not want to be honest with me in the first place?"
I let out a frustrated sigh.
I can't do this. I have to tell him. I have to tell him I was using him to run away. What kind of a friend am I to use him like this?
"Please don't be mad", I said in a quiet voice.
His hand came up to caress my face.
"I promise I won't be. I don't want you to hide anything from me, okay?"
I nodded.
"I...I do like someone. I have feelings I shouldn't have."
"Why shouldn't you have these feelings for this person", he asked.
"Because they don't feel the same way about me. I feel like it's just some teenage crush and...and they are many levels above me. I feel so immature. I stand no chance and I need to not get in his way."
"Can I ask who this is? I promise I won't pursue him, I just...I feel like I should know."
I took a breath.
"Tyler..."
Javi became quiet, taking a moment before responding.
"Tyler Hanson...the one leading the cases I'm on...my boss?"
I nodded my head slowly.
"I-I overheard him say that he needed to focus on the case to find Andy and that he didn't need any distractions. I knew I was one of those because I'm always around him. He makes a point, his brother is number one. It's just, over time I found myself developing feelings for him, I don't know why. At the Halloween party, he kissed me but it was because we were fighting and he was drunk, I was just so confused. I liked it, I really did but I know he doesn't have feelings for me at all. So I figured, the only way to get rid of these feelings for him was to move on and I felt like making things serious with you was a good plan. Sex is a big deal so I thought after we did that, I will have feelings for you. W-When you were...touching me...I-I...I thought of him...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I just-"
Javi moved in close to hug me. Shushing me from my rambling.
"I get it...I really do. I didn't want to say no to you but I knew I couldn't go through with it. I'm glad you told me all of this."
"So you had no plans on going all the way with me."
"As much as I would have liked to, I didn't want to take that first moment away. I won't say I approve of Tyler, I don't know the guy very well, and for him to say that about you. It makes me start to not like him but...I have to keep my feelings away from work."
"I just hope you don't hate him", I said.
"I'm just very protective of you, that's all. And speaking of protection...", he backed up to look at me. "I had no condoms in the first place so I would have stopped going anyway even if you wanted to keep going."
I let out a sigh of relief.
"You had this planned out all along."
He smirked.
"Something like that. I'm glad I at least had the chance to make you feel good. My hands are magic."
I laughed.
"Stop being so full of yourself."
I feel back onto the bed with Javi still sitting up, looking down at me.
"Everything that has happened recently is for the best. I just don't want to be around Tyler anymore...I can't. I'll just be happy by myself. There are many strong single women."
"You feel like you won't like anyone else but him, your feelings for him really are strong", he said.
"Yeah and stupid."
"They're not...it's just...him of all people and how his life is. You know I love you a lot Sarina and I only say things because I want the best for you. I really feel like you should just move on from him. It's not easy but just think of it as having a crush on him, you guys were never a thing anyway. I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm actually happy you aren't involved in all this anymore. I just...I want your life to get back to normal. Whether you want to find someone or not is up to you but at least you'll be safe."
I let out a sigh.
"Yeah..."
He laid down next to me, placing an arm over my stomach.
"Don't stress about this so much, okay?"
I nodded.
"You look tired. You should get some sleep...unless you want to go again."
I laughed.
"Hm...I'll let you know Hernandez."
"Awesome!"
We both were alerted by Javi's phone. He got up to go see who was calling him. He didn't tell me who it was when he answered, it's none of my business anyway.
When he got off the phone he turned to me to speak.
"It was-"
I shook my head.
"I don't need to know, it's easier that way."
"Right. You get some sleep."
I curled into the covers, making myself comfortable, watching him get ready to go.
And then he left.