o n e :
• f e a r •
I was told as a child to fear everything. To always be afraid and to always be on the lookout. That fears are lurking around every corner. I could never believe those who told me though.
It was a good thing to have many fears, it showed that you cared and that you were cautious. I never feared much.
I never liked heights or tight spaces nor the idea of drowning, but I most definitely was not like most kids, cowering behind their mothers backs. I was different.
Fears felt controlled in my mind, like it was something out of my reach, something I couldn't get over myself. It felt like someone was controlling it for me.
I was treated differently at school, even though I tried hard to fit in. I didn't fear the things that those people could do to me. They were the ones who feared me. I don't blame them either, in this world, if you're different you deserved to be feared, it's just how things worked.
There is another one like me.
The girl who balanced on train tracks, jumping to safety only moments before the train was to take the life from her body. Everyone feared for her life while she laughed about the rush that it gave her.
I sat underneath the tree by the tracks and watched as she laid on the wooden boards waiting for danger to come to her.
We were the outcasts.
We were feared.
We were fearless.
But we stayed away from each other.
That was my fourth fear.
Others like myself. Fearless souls who scared others for a rush. I was afraid of the damage that together we would create.
I only had five fears.
One, heights. I couldn't stand them. If I wasn't strapped in, I feared for dear life.
Two, the thought of drowning. There had been many nights were I awoke in a sweat and breathless after not being able to drag myself to the surface of the ocean. I only feared when the waves would pull me away forever.
Three, tight spaces, claustrophobia. The tight hallways and tiny classrooms in school didn't help any, but it was my bedroom closet that I would hide in after waking from nightmares brought on from after my father died that really brought the fear to life. I couldn't escape.
Four, complete and utter chaos caused by myself and others like me. I only feared the damage we could do to the world we lived in. The fragile planet of lush green grass, beautiful ocean waves, and stone concrete jungles. We could destroy it all.
And my last fear is my worst fear of all.
Five, being cast out forever by the ones I loved for being like I am. Brave and stubborn. Being pushed aside because I didn't fit the idea of our perfect society. That one day I might have to leave home.
Even though three of the fears were physical and the other two were mental, it was those five things that I could never bring myself to get over.
I live in a city they once called San Francisco. Now it has no name, since there is no where else to go, no travelling to any other places. Most just called it home. It's a concrete jungle, buildings and roads everywhere you look.
My family though, lives on what they call The Rock.
Our board of officials said that it used to be a prison, but they also say that it was where people became free. It's honesty not so bad there. Just enough room for a little over fifty families.
The girl lives here too.
She's a wild spirit, always climbing to up the old water tower, leaning over the edge, her blonde hair flowing in the breeze.
I can tell by that action that heights aren't one of her few fears.
But I can tell that we both don't like the water. She won't step foot in the water, and she barely ever walks on the sand.
She hops from dock to boat catching a ride to the mainland, the boat automatically controlled, never stopping, going to the mainland to The Rock and over again. I've never seen it do different, not in my seventeen years of life.
It's been eight, almost nine years since my mother has been to the mainland. Ever since my father slipped on a wet dock and fell into the stormy waters, getting pulled by the tide out to sea, lost forever, she's has stayed on the island. I wonder how she hasn't gone crazy. Maybe she has and I just haven't noticed it, or she just doesn't show it.
I have to take care of my younger sister while my mother stares blankly at the television that hasn't worked for four years. She's just now thirteen and now has to leave the island to go to upper school on the mainland, graduating from the lower and middle schools that they offer on The Rock.
"Eleanor." I called to her each morning that first week. She always tried to tell our mother goodbye before leaving, but it's like she's not even there anymore. I can see the tears roll down her cheeks. Eleanor was only four when our father died. She doesn't remember what's it's like to feel love from her parents. Either of them, since Mom zoned out to deal with her grief, I am her only family.
She blames her tears on the sprinkling rain falling from the sky. She's a terrible liar though.
We wait for the bus ferry to come, but I watch as the fearless girl jumps to the automatic boat on its never ending route.
I started to try and blend in as Eleanor grew older, I didn't want to be a bad influence on her. I must be a good actor because she cannot count the number of things she fears on mine, hers, and our mothers finger and toes. Fear runs in her blood.
"Ashton." Eleanor tugs on my loose tan shirt, "I don't think people like me."
"I'm sure people love you Eleanor, they don't have anything to hate." I reply to her with a laugh. Some of her fears are too ridiculous.
"Why does it not bother you that people don't like you Ashton?" She asks me, her green eyes looking up at me, her dark brown hair sticking to her wet face with the wind. She's the female version of my father, even though his image in my mind is as static as the TV mother sits and watches. I can see his dimpled chin on her, and his pointed nose. But the green eyes and dark hair were a dead giveaway from the day she was born that she was indeed, my fathers daughter.
"I'm not sure, but it doesn't." I reply, "Now don't worry about me, I'm big, I can handle myself."
She gives me a small smile before backing away slightly from the edge of the rocking boat, her fear instinct kicking in full time.
She never really got the chance to see how much our father loved her but she carries it around everyday with his image.
Except he was like me.
Fearless.
I step to the railing of the boat letting the salty sea water splash my face as I look for the boat ferrying to the mainland, my eyes catching sight on the small boat, seeing the girls blonde hair as she stands on the highest point she can get to.
Her arms are spread out like a birds wings, her head tilted up towards the stormy sky.
I wonder if she feels free up there.
I know I would. But I also know that I could never take the same risks as she does, with very harsh consequences. I have to take care of Eleanor, I don't have time to be fearless and careless with the girl. I wish I did though.
I didn't understand why she didn't fear getting cast away by the others like I did. But that in itself was admirable. I only wondering how many fears she had.
I taste the salt in the air as I breathe it in, watching her be fearless in compare to the rest of the world. I don't know why she is fearless. I don't know why I am fearless.
I don't understand why fear is such a big deal. Just that it is all we are taught about in school.
The ride to the mainland is only about ten minutes and when I spend most of it staring out at the ocean, deep in thought, it goes by quite fast.
Eleanor stays close to me as we step cautiously off the boat, everyone afraid that they'll fall in.
The girl hustles over to the crowd of teenagers as we all begin to walk the two blocks to the school. As long as we've both lived on the island, I could never remember her name. Maybe that was a flaw of mine. But at the same time, I've never been close enough to ask. As she walks in long strides to keep up I watch as she stares at the decaying buildings that surround us. The buildings that the Board proclaimed useful or usable were taken care of and constantly restored while the rest were left to rot and waste away, nature taking over old offices and houses destroyed by earthquakes. Some roads are still in tact while others are torn apart by cracks.
The Board is a group of randomly chosen officials that make all the rough decisions in town. They're only chosen every 10 years, their names pulled from a group of envelopes. After we graduate our upper level schools, our names are put into one of the 7 envelopes based off of what our fears are and how many their are. It keeps things different.
Half the city is beautiful while the rest remains in ruins. I feel like those buildings describe our society. Most of us are proclaimed fit and are taken care of while the rest, such as myself, are left to die off.
Since this is Eleanor's first year at upper school, she hasn't been exposed to many of the lies that the students have to offer and I'm glad. But soon, she'll grow further and further away from me because she's afraid to stand out and not be accepted. I'll lose my little sister to the lies of fear.
Today was the last day of my last year of upper school. It was also my fears test. The day I will be officially outcasted.