Kenma, the fact that you're reading this letter means I'm no longer with you and mom.
No, scratch that, I don't think I should start my letter with that kind of sentence. There are two things I wanted to tell you, the two things that I owe you.
I owe you an apology and gratitude. I'm sorry and thank you.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my illness. It's a terminal illness that eats away at my life day by day. Some days were more painful than others. I don't have long to live, but I don't know if I truly accepted it. Everyone is afraid of death after all, and even I'm scared of it. But more so than that, than being scared, I am somehow relieved that I can finally take a much needed rest.
Recently I received very wonderful news. I told you and mom all about it. I'm going to become a mom, Kenma. This is probably why I get emotional a lot. Even now as I write this, tears are threatening to fall.
The doctor told me two things.
I can either choose to get rid of this little blessing and live a little bit longer, or give birth and risk my life and die early.
You know what I said?
I said I will never choose the former, because I'd be killing two people. This innocent child and myself. Since I'd die anyways, what's the point of living a little bit longer?
At least I'd bring a new life in this world if I choose the latter.
But Kenma, I'm sorry I had to leave her with you and mom.
And yes, she's a girl! When I was thinking about names, I remembered what you told me. I like many things so I decided to name her Suki in the hopes that people will like her.
Thank you for taking care of her in my stead. I don't know when you will be able to read this. A year? Five years? Ten years? Know that I will always be thankful to you. You and mom.
Know that I made this choice and I don't blame anyone.
Before I end this, it feels like I'm forgetting something. Right, her father.
Her father is a kind man, but I found out that he already has a wife. I know it was my mistake, our mistake. I was reminded of mom, and how dad left us because of another woman. I don't want to be the cause of someone else's marriage failing like mom and dad. Because in the end, it would be the children who will end suffering the most, like we did.
Never once did I ever think Suki is a mistake. So don't ever make her feel like one. I don't want her to know that her mom died after giving birth to her, or she might blame herself. Let her live a happy and carefree life. Don't spoil her too much. You're probably rich now, aren't you? I remember you telling me all about stock trading and building an LTD company or something. I hope you succeeded in your venture, and that it had paid off.
I may have less time left in this world, but I feel better now.
I'm sorry and thank you, my cute little brother.
Lastly, I hope you find a woman who will accept you as Suki's dad, and if you found one, I'm very much happy for you. Since it's hard to find a woman who will accept a man who's raising someone else's child.
- Much love, Kana
That night Kenma read the letter again. He doesn't know why, but the more he reads it, the less pain his heart feels. Somehow, reading it over and over again had made him feel a tad bit better, albeit just a bit. But it was enough.
Reading the letter, Kenma could hear his sister's voice. He thought he had forgotten what her voice sounds like, but surprisingly he still remembers it.
As he lay on his bed, arm propped on his forehead, the paper slid from his hold and fell down on the side. He opened his eyes, staring up at the ceiling. The tears had dried and now his eyes felt tired and heavy. Now that he's feeling a bit better than earlier, Kenma can finally sleep well.
Sleep, he thought, had always been a good escape route. From reality, from pain, from everything. In that short period of time, in the arms of slumber, he can rest for a while. And so he gave in to slumber as soon as he had closed his eyes once again.
Morning came much faster than Kenma would have liked, or maybe he was just too tired that he slept like a log and the eight hours felt barely like an hour.
Nonetheless, as he gets to the kitchen, you and Suki are already there.
"Oh, Kenma, good morn–" you greeted but trailed off when you saw him. You couldn't find the words to say it so the little girl beat you to it.
"Daddy, why do your eyes look so puffy?"
"Huh?" Kenma asked, walking up to the table and sitting on the chair as Suki watched him.
"Daddy, your eyes look so funny!"
"Just finish your cereal," Kenma muttered, as he too started to eat.
You sat there, staring at Kenma for a second, knowing fully well why his eyes look like that. He must have cried himself to sleep reading the letter over and over again. But before Kenma could glance at you and see you looking at him, you averted your eyes and started to eat as well.
Soon after he and Suki left, you were lounging in the living room. You couldn't help but think of the things that will occur from now on. Things might subside for now, slowly turning back to how they're supposed to be.
But then again, what use is it worrying about something that has yet to happen? It's like carrying an umbrella on a bright day waiting for a downpour.
"Oh? You're back," you said when you noticed Kenma walking to the living room. "Stay here for a sec, I'll go get something."
"What?" Kenma asked but you were already on your way to the kitchen.
Kenma just sat there, wondering what it is you're getting in the kitchen until you came back with a cloth and a basin of ice water.
"What are you gonna do with that?" he asked, looking at the basin before looking at you who sat beside him.
"This will help with the swelling around your eyes."
You damp the cloth with cold water before looking at Kenma only to realize that he's close, a bit too close that you almost froze for a second before shaking your head.
You held his face before carefully applying the cold compress around his eyes while Kenma sat there in silence. "I used to cry a lot when I was a kid, you see," you started. "One day, I think I was in grade school, I went to school after crying a lot. I forgot what I was crying about though."
You damped the cloth again before you continued. "My classmates saw my puffy eyes and they all laughed except for one. He did this same thing to me, telling me this will help."
"Was it the same guy you liked back in high school?"
"It doesn't matter now," you said, your hand stopping before slowly putting it down to look at Kenma. "I already like someone else."
You smiled, knowing fully well that Kenma knew you were pertaining to him, before you stood up and took the basin back to the kitchen. You had poured the water in the sink when you heard Kenma suddenly speak from behind.
"Do you..." he started, trailing down for a moment as if he's contemplating what to say or whether to say it or not. "...want to read Kana's letter?"
It took a while for you to answer. You had honestly thought about it last night. What if Kenma asked you if you wanted to read the letter? But you knew what your answer would be.
Smiling at him, you shook your head. "It's a letter for you. And reading someone else's letter kind of makes me feel like I'm prying on someone else's privacy."
"You're not prying on just someone else's privacy though."
"You're right."
But your smile still says that your answer would be the same. That you don't want to read the letter. Kenma stopped for a second, you thought his silence would linger and you turned around. But after a few moments Kenma spoke again.
"Still, I want you to know that in the letter, she said that she hoped that I would find a woman who will accept me as Suki's dad, and if I found one, she'll be very happy. Since it's hard to find a woman who will accept a man who's raising someone else's child."
He walked up to you, you can feel that he's closer. "And I want her to know that I already found one," he said. "And that she can rest assured that the woman I found loves Suki as much as a mother loves her own child."
There was silence, just silence that lingered around and Kenma couldn't exactly see your expression until you spoke.
"Kenma," you started and for a second Kenma missed it, until he noticed your shoulders trembling a bit. "You want me to read the letter, but I haven't read it and I'm already crying."
"What?" Kenma asked, a bit flustered hearing your voice breaking and he took a step closer to you and you turned to him, burying your face on his chest. "Your sister...was truly a kind person. I wish I had met her."
"She was," Kenma said, wrapping his arms around you. "Truly a kind person. And if you two meet, I know she would like you. Because Suki liked you the moment she saw you and Suki is very much like Kana."