[The episode opens with a shot of the sun. Dipper starts to narrate.]
Dipper Pines:(Narrating) Ah, summer break.
[The camera pans to grilling burgers while are running around and laughing beside him. Others sit at a picnic table.]
Hank: So you want cheese on that?
Hank's wife: Sure, Hank.
Dipper: A time for leisure, recreation, and taking 'er easy.
"Not in Gravity Falls, it's not!" Wendy said, making finger guns at the sign.
[The camera stops at the "Welcome to" sign.]
Unless you're me.
"Case in point."
[A golf cart crashes through the "Welcome to Gravity Falls" sign with the occupants screaming. They are being chased by an unknown beast, which is knocking down trees.]
"What was that?" Ford 3 asked out of sheer wonder.
"Not zombies," Dipper said. Ford 3 was confused as to how that was supposed to help, obviously, it wasn't zombies.
Mabel Pines: (Looks back) It's getting closer!
[The monster tries to catch the cart but just falls short. The cart flies off a rock and lands roughly.]
Dipper: (Narrating) My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart, fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror.
[The scene resumes.]The monster throws a tree in their path.]
Mabel: Look out!
[The image freezes with Mabel and Dipper screaming as they run into the screen.]
Dipper: Rest assured, there's a perfectly logical explanation.
Cut to the theme song.
"I like it," Mabel decided.
"The music's nice," Dipper said, deciding to ignore the fact that a triangle reminiscent of the one they had just beaten had appeared for half a second. All the Fords had seen it and took it differently.
Cut back to Dipper and Mabel in the golf cart.]
Dipper: Let's rewind. (Flashback to Dipper and Mabel in their living room at home) It all began when our parents decided we could use some fresh air.
"Well, we did get that fresh air," Mabel said.
"Yep."
[Their parents take their stuff away, give them bags and put some sunscreen on their noses. Cut to a map of Oregon. Zoom in to Gravity Falls.]
Dipper(Narrating:) They shipped us up north to a sleepy town called Gravity Falls, Oregon, to stay at our great-uncle's place in the woods.
[Cut to Mabel in the attic hanging up posters.]
Mabel: This attic is amazing. Check out all my splinters!
[Holds up hands, which have gigantic splinters sticking out of them]
All three Stans smiled, remembering when a twelve-year-old Stanley Pines had said such a thing.
Dipper(Backs up into his bed, which is on; not narrating:) And there's a goat on my bed.
"He keeps getting in," Stan 1 said, crossing his arms.
Mabel: Hey, friend. [Holds out her arm, and Gompers chews on her sleeve] Oh! Yes, you can keep chewing on my sweater. [Laughs]
Dipper(Narrating:) My sister tended to look on the bright side of things.
[Cut to Mabel rolling down a hill of grass.]
Mabel: Yay! Grass!
"The grass is good in Gravity Falls," Mabel said.
"I know, right, hambone?" Soos said, and the two laughed. Ford 1 was surprised Soos hadn't been a gopher.
Pacifica rolled her eyes at Mabel's sillyness.
[A woodpecker pecks on Dipper's hat.]
Dipper(Narrating:) But I was having a hard time getting used to our new surroundings.
"Fair enough," Ford 2 said. He preferred Earth greatly to whatever you could call the other side of the portal.
Stan Pines: [Jumps out at him wearing a mask] Boo!
"Is that the same mask you had when we were kids?" Ford 3 asked Stan 1.
"They're really cheap. I could get twenty in one store run," Stan 1 explained.
Dipper(Not narrating:) Ah! [Falls over]
Stan: [Takes his mask off] Ahahahaha! Hahaha!
Dipper(Narrating:) And then there was our Great Uncle Stan. [As Stan slaps his knee] That guy.
Stan: [Coughs several times and hits his chest] It was worth it.
"Yeah, it was!"
[Cut to Stan leading tourists through the Mystery Shack.]
Dipper(Narrating) Our uncle had transformed his house into a tourist trap he called "The Mystery Shack." The real mystery was why anyone came.
"You turned my house into a tourist trap?!" Ford 1 exclaimed incredulously.
"I had to pay your mortgage somehow, Sixer. And most of the townsfolk are too dumb to tell one end of a deer from another, so I made it good!"
The Jackalope's antler breaks off.]
Stan: Ladies and gentlemen, behold! The Sascrotch!
"What even is that?" Ford 1 sighed.
[Cut to a Sasquatch wearing underwear.
"Touche, Stan."
Tourists start speaking excitedly and snap pictures.
"How are they this dumb?"
"I did say the townsfolk aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer," Stan shrugged.
Cut to Dipper sweeping the wooden floor with a broom. Mabel is looking at stuff.]
Dipper(Narrating:) And guess who had to work there. (Not narrating; sighs)
Mabel: Ooh! [Reaches for large eyeball]
Stan: [Slaps her hand with his 8-ball cane] No touching the merchandise!
"Mr. Pines, you can't hit a kid," Wendy pointed out.
"It's what pa did to us," Stan said nervously.
"Your dad was not a good dad," Mabel said, running around to hug all her Grunkles. Pacifica was confused. Was that not normal?
Cut to driving the Mystery Cart to the Mystery Shack.]
Dipper(Narrating:) It looked like it was gonna be the same, boring routine all summer. Until one fateful day...
[Cut to Mabel peeking through Stan-bobbleheads.]
Mabel: He's looking at it! He's looking at it!
[Cut to a looking at Mabel's note.]
Boy: Uh.. [Reading note:] Do you like me? Yes? Definitely? Absolutely!!! [Looks around]
Mabel: I rigged it!
Dipper: [Spraying a jar with water and wiping it; not narrating] Mabel, I know you're going through your whole "Boy Crazy" phase, but I think you're kind of overdoing it with the "crazy" part.
"Boys are overrated," Wendy blew a raspberry. Dipper swallowed, trying to look inconspicuous.
Mabel: What? [Blows raspberry] Come on, Dipper! This is our first summer away from home! It's my big chance to have an epic summer romance!
Dipper: Yeah, but do you need to flirt with every guy you meet?
[Flashback to Mabel with a near a greeting cards display.]
Mabel: My name is Mabel, but you can call me "The girl of your dreams." I'M JOKING! [Shoves him into the display] Ha ha ha ha ha!
"Yeesh."
[Flashback to a holding a turtle on a bench.]
Mabel: [Jumps up behind him] Oh my god, you like turtles? I like turtles too! What is happening here?
[Flashback to the inside of a matress store.]
Matress King: Come one, come all, to the Mattress Prince's kingdom of savings!
Mabel: (Hiding behind a set of colorful balloons; pops out head and whispers:) Take me with you...
Mattress King: Ah! [Cowers away from Mabel and drops scepter]
"Yeesh, kiddo," Stan 1 said, and gave her a pat on the back. "Just remember, it only goes up from that."
"Thanks, Grunkle Stan."
[Cut back to the present.]
Mabel: Mock all you want, brother, but I got a good feeling about this summer. I wouldn't be surprised if the man of my dreams walked through that door right now.
Stan: [Walks through the door and burps, but it gets caught in his throat] Oh! Oh, not good. Ow.
"NOPE!"
"No offence, Grunkle Stan."
Mabel: Aww! Why!
Dipper: Ha ha ha!
Stan: All right, all right, look alive, people. I need someone to go hammer up these signs in the spooky part of the forest.
Dipper: (Quickly:) Not it!
Mabel: (Quickly:) Not it!
Soos: Uh, also not it.
"Good initiative."
Stan: Nobody asked you, Soos.
Soos: I know, and I'm comfortable with that. [Eats chocolate bar]
Stan: Wendy, I need you to put up this sign!
Wendy: [Pretends to reach for signs] I would, but I, ugh, can't, ugh, reach it, ugh...
Stan 3 grinned, liking the kid.
Stan: I'd fire all of you if I could.
"Nah, you wouldn't," Wendy smirked.
"Yeah, even Grunkle Stan's too nice for that," Mabel said cheerily.
All right, let's make it... eenie, meenie, miney... (Points at Dipper) you.
"Tough luck, kid," Stan 2 said. Dipper found it odd that his Grunkle that wasn't a Grunkle yet in the past was semi-apologising for his future-- or was it present? Or past? -- Grunkle.
Dipper: Aw, what? Grunkle Stan, whenever I'm in those woods, I feel like I'm being watched.
"You are," all three Fords said in unison.
Stan: Ugh, this again.
Dipper: I'm telling you, something weird is going on in this town. Just today, my mosquito bites spelled out "BEWARE."
Stan:(Looks at Dipper's arm) That says "BEWARB."
"That's a Soothsquito. They spelll out dire messages but are terrible spellers. I once got one that warned me to 'Batch out for Will'," Ford 2 said, taking no care to lie to his past self, who hopefully was putting the pieces together.
[Dipper scratches his arm] Look, kid. The whole "monsters in the forest" thing is just local legend, drummed up by guys like me to sell merch to guys like that.
[A man laughs while looking at a Stan-bobblehead's head bobble.]
"And why do you have your own bobbleheads?" Ford 1 asked.
"I'l have you know the correct term is a Mystery-head! I copyrighted it!" Stan 1 replied with a broad smile.
Stan: So quit being so paranoid! (Gives Dipper the signs; Dipper sighs)
[Cut to a foggy forest with trees getting blown by the wind.]
Dipper: Ugh, Grunkle Stan. Nobody ever believes anything I say.
[Puts one sign up on a tree that says "To The Mystery Shack." He starts to hammer a nail on another , but it makes a metallic sound.
Dipper beamed, not daring to look at any of the Fords. Fords 1 and 2 glanced at Dipper, filled with a sense of pride.
He taps the tree with the hammer, which makes more metallic sounds. He wipes away some dust and opens a secret window revealing a mechanical box with two control switches on top.
"Past-Dude, flip it!" Soos encouraged past-Dipper.
He tests one control but nothing happens. Then he tries the other. Behind him, a hole opens up in the ground.
"That there is one mighty-fine hole," McGucket exclaimed. Fords 2 and 3 looked at him, guilt-ridden, seeing the resemblance between this McGucket and the ones they had last seen.
Gompers bleats and runs away.]
"That there's a mighty-fine goat!"
What the? (Looks inside the hole, and there is a journal with a six fingered hand, emblazoned with a number three.
"You found my journal?!" All three Fords exclaimed in unison, beaming.
"Yeah! It's saved all our lives over and over!"
"Excellent!" Ford 3 exclaimed, and beamed at Dipper. Dipper was, needless to say, in awe. Three versions of the Author, all of which was his great-uncle. Stan 1 and 2 swallowed harshly and wondered if Ford 1 and 2 would forgive them for what happened.
He picks the book up and places it on the ground, and checks for people watching. He flips one page and an eye-glass is in it. He looks at the eye-glass and puts it down. He flips another page, and begins reading aloud:) "It's hard to believe it's been six years since began studying the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon."
"WHOO! Hometown Pride!" Wendy shouted.
(Flips through pages) What is all this? (Stops at a page that says "TRUST NO ONE" and starts reading)
Ford 1 looked nervous. Whatever could possibly happen between now and the hiding of the Journals? And why would they have to be hidden?
"Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm being watched. I must hide this book before he finds it. Remember: in Gravity Falls there is no one you can trust."
"Gulp."
"You just said the word 'gulp'."
"So?"
(Closes Journal) No one you can trust...
Mabel: (Jumps up behind a log) HALLO!
Almost the whole room laughed. Even Pacifica cracked a grin, before stuffing it down.
Dipper: AH!
Mabel: What'cha readin', some nerd thing?
"An awesome nerd thing."
Dipper: (Hides journal behind back) Uh, uh, it's nothing!
Mabel: (Imitating Dipper:) "Uh, uh, it's nothing!" (Laughs) What? Are you actually not gonna show me?
"I... was thinking about it?"
"No offence to the Grunkle Fords, but if you're gonna listen to a stranger in a book over your twin sister, who you've known your whole life, then you've got issues!"
Gompers: (Nibbles the edge of the journal)
Dipper: Uhhh... (Glances at Gompers) Let's go somewhere private.
"The goat is fine, I've checked," Ford 3 assured Dipper, and the other Fords nodded.
(Cut to a view of the Mystery Shack. Dipper and Mabel are in the living room.)
Dipper: It's amazing! Grunkle Stan said I was being paranoid, but according to this book, Gravity Falls has this secret dark side. (Shows Mabel a page)
Mabel: Whoa! Shut. Up! (Pushes Dipper)
Dipper: And get this! After a certain point, the pages just.. stop, like the guy who was writing it... mysteriously disappeared.
Stan 1, Ford 1, Stan 2, and Ford 2 all looked away, and the two Stans coughed nervously. The kids definitely did not need to know that yet.
(Doorbell rings) Who's that?
Mabel: Well, time to spill the beans. (Knocks over a can of beans on the table) Boop. Beans. This girl's got a date! Woot woot!
Mabel sulked and Gideon looked furious. His neighbors inched away from him.
"What's with the toddler with the big hair and why does he look like he's going to kill?" Ford 1 asked Stan 1.
"Town child psycho."
"Ah."
(Falls backward into the chair, giggling)
Dipper: Let me get this straight: in the half hour I was gone, you already found a boyfriend?
"That is just how Mabel rolls," Candy said.
Mabel: What can I say? I guess I'm just IRRESISTIBLLLLE! (Doorbell rings twice) Oh. Coming! (Runs out)
(Dipper sits down in chair and begins to read the Journal)
Stan:(Walks in and sees Dipper) What'cha reading there, slick?
Dipper: Oh! (Throws the book under the seat cushion and grabs a magazine) I was just catching up on, uh... (Sees the cover of the magazine) Gold Chains for Old Men Magazine?
Stan: That's a good issue.
Mabel:(Standing next to 'Norman') Hey, family! Say hello to my new boyfriend!
Mabel shuddered.
"I don't trust him," Ford 1 said.
"You don't trust anyone, it's in your book."
"That's beside the point, Stanley!"
Norman: 'Sup?
Dipper: Hey...
Stan: How's it hanging?
Mabel: We met at the cemetery.
"That's cool. The cemetery's fun," Wendy said and blew a bubble with her gum.
He's really deep. (Feels his arm) Oh. Little muscle there. That's...what a surprise...
Mabel cringed, realizing that had either been a gnome or a stick.
Dipper: So, what's your name?
Norman: Uh. Normal... MAN!
"He's worse at coming up with fake names than I am!" Stan 3 muttered.
Mabel: He means Norman.
Dipper: Are you bleeding, Norman?
Norman: (With a red liquid dripping down his face) It's jam.
"Dubious."
"That... Might actually have been jam," Dipper said, thinking it over.
Mabel: (Gasps) I love jam! Look. At. This!
Norman: So, you wanna go hold hands or... whatever?
Mabel: Oh, oh, my goodness. (Giggles) Don't wait up! (Runs out)
(Norman points at Stan and Dipper and runs into the wall several times on his way out)
Dipper(Narrating:) There was something about Norman that wasn't right. I decided to consult the journal.
"I bet he's a vampire or a zombie," Pacifica said.
"I bet hundred bucks say he's not a vampire or a zombie!" Grenda shouted.
"You are so on."
[Cuts to Dipper in the attic.]
Dipper(Reading aloud from Journal:) Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes these creatures are often mistaken for... teenagers?! Beware Gravity Falls's nefarious... (Gasps)
(We see the journal page on zombies. The picture of the zombie becomes Norman.)
"Pay up, sweater head!" Pacifica declared smugly.
"Looks can be deceiving, Pacifica! Not until the end!"
Norman: (As the zombie on the journal page:) 'Sup.
Dipper: ZOMBIE!
(Cut to Stan in the bathroom.)
Stan: Somebody say "crombie"? What is that, crombie? That's not even a word. You're losing your mind.
"Naw, you're just going old-man-deaf, Mr. Pines."
(Dipper looks out the window to see Norman walking towards Mabel with outstretched arms while moaning.)
Mabel: I like you.
Dipper: Oh, no! Mabel! No, no, Mabel, watch out!
Norman: Huh, huh! (Puts hands around Mabel's neck)
Almost everyone yelled, except Mabel and Dipper.
Dipper: AHHHHH!
Norman: (Removes arms, revealing flower necklace) Huhhh!
Mabel: (Gasps) Daisies? You scallywag...
Dipper: Is my sister really dating a zombie, or am I just going nuts?
Soos: (Screwing in a lightbulb) It's a dilemma, to be sure. (Dipper gasps) I couldn't help but overhear you talkin' aloud to yourself in this empty room.
"Soos is literally the most sneaky person, other than me, obviously, in the Shack. It's weird."
Dipper: Soos, you've seen Mabel's boyfriend. He's gotta be a zombie, right?
Soos: Hmm. How many brains didja see the guy eat?
Dipper: (Looks down) Zero.
Soos: Look, dude, I believe you. I'm always noticing weird stuff in this town. Like the mailman? Pretty sure that dude's a werewolf.
(Flashback of a hairy mailman walking by Soos, who is eating his lunch outside. Soos scoots away from him, suspicious.)
"Definitely a werewolf," Ford 2 said.
"I know, right?"
Soos: But ya gotta have evidence. Otherwise, people are gonna think you're a major league cuckoo clock.
Dipper: As always, Soos, you're right.
"Soos is a genius."
Soos: My wisdom is both a blessing and a curse.
Stan: (Shouting offscreen:) Soos! The portable toilets are clogged again!
The Mystery crew shuddered.
Soos: I am needed elsewhere. (Backs out)
Dipper(Narrating:) My sister could be in trouble. It was time to get some evidence.
(Cut to Dipper filming Mabel and Norman in the park. Mabel throws a Frisbee at Norman, who fails to catch it and falls over. Dipper stops looking through camera and frowns at Norman)
(Cut to Norman breaking through a door window to open it from the inside and letting Mabel inside the diner. Norman stumbles around and crashes, trying to follow Mabel. Dipper looks out from behind menu)
"Okay, I love you, but that's a little creepy, bro-bro."
Dipper sighed, realizing Mabel was probably right. "Fair enough..."
(Cut to Mabel and Norman frolicking in a field. Norman falls into an open grave, then crawls out, hand first, screaming.
"AHH!"
"Wait for it."
Mabel and Norman pause, then laugh)
Dipper (Narrating:) I'd seen enough.
(Cut to Mabel and Dipper's room. Mabel is brushing her hair and Dipper enters.)
Dipper(Not narrating:) Mabel. We've gotta talk about Norman.
Mabel: Isn't he the best? Check out this giant smooch mark he gave me! (Shows her cheek, which has a red spot on it)
"Uh, sweetie? You might want to be... more careful around boys, all right?" Stan 1 said. Mabel looked confused but nodded all the same.
Dipper: Ah!
Mabel: Ha, ha! Gullible. It was just an accident with the leaf blower!
"How do you do that with a leaf blower?"
(Flashback to Mabel with a leaf blower.)
Mabel: (Putting a picture of Norman on leaf blower's tube) Kissing practice! (Leans in to leaf blower, but then it sucks in the picture and sticks to her face as well; she runs around) AHHH! Turn it off! Turn it off!
"I'm trying that!!" Grenda shouted.
(Cut back to present.)
Mabel: That was fun.
Dipper: No, Mabel, listen! I'm trying to tell you that Norman is not what he seems! (Shows her the Journal)
Mabel: (Gasps) You think he might be a vampire? That would be so awesome!
"Did he sparkle?" Candy asked.
"Nope."
Dipper Guess again, sister. SHA-BAM! (Holds book open to the Gnomes page)
Dipper raised his eyebrows and the irony of it all.
Mabel: Agh!
Dipper: Oh, wait. I'm-I'm sorry... (Flips to Undead page) Sha-bam!
Mabel: A zombie? That is not funny, Dipper.
Dipper: I'm not joking! It all adds up: the bleeding, the limp. He never blinks! Have you noticed that?
Mabel: Maybe he's blinking when you're blinking.
"That happens a weird amount of times, believe it or not."
Dipper: Mabel, remember what the book said about Gravity Falls? Trust no one!
Mabel Well, what about me, huh? Why can't you trust me? (Puts on star earrings) Beep bop!
Dipper: Mabel, (shaking her) he's gonna eat your brain!
Mabel:(Pushes him away) Dipper, listen to me. Norman and I are going on a date at five o'clock, and I'm gonna be ADORABLE, and he's gonna be DREAMY, (pushing Dipper out of the room)
Dipper: Bu-bu-but—
Mabel: And I am not gonna let you ruin it with one of your crazy CONSPIRACIES! (Slams the door)
"I'm sorry, Dipper. You were just looking out for me and stuff," Mabel scratched the back of her neck.
"It's fine. I probably was being too paranoid."
Dipper:(Sighs and sits down) What am I gonna do?
(Cut to the clock, which tells the time at 5:00. The doorbell rings.)
Mabel: (Pulls on her sweater as she races downstairs) Coming! (Sees Norman) Hey, Norman. How do I look?
Norman: Shiny...
"This is like, the tenth red flag," Wendy muttered to herself as she gulped, looking very uncomfortable.
Mabel: You always know what to say! (Walks off with him)
Dipper:(Watching the video he collected) Soos was right. I don't have any real evidence.
"I'm gonna need a spit-take," Stan 1 said, and a Pitt Cola appeared in his hand. "Thank you, universe! It's the least you could do."
(Video shows Mabel teaching Norman hopscotch, but he only falls over; Dipper fast forwards to Mabel and Norman with Norman's arm around Mabel) I guess I can be kind of paranoid sometimes and— (on the tape, Norman's hand falls off; he glances around, then reattaches it)
Stan 1 spit out the Pitt Cola, gagging a bit. "Now that's spit-worthy!"
Wait, WHAT?! (Rewinds the tape and watches it again; he screams and tips the chair backwards) I was right! Oh my god! Oh my god! (Races outside) Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan!
Stan: (On a stage in front of a bunch of tourists; to the crowd:) And here we have Rock that looks like a face rock: the rock that looks like a face.
Tourist: Does it look like a rock?
Stan: No, it looks like a face.
Fat Tourist: Is it a face?
Stan: It's a rock that looks like a face!
"I see how you could run a tourist trap. Those people will fall for anything," Ford 1 said.
"Yeah, and they're very annoying about it!" Stan 1 replied, taking another swig of Pitt Cola.
Dipper: Over here! Grunkle Stan!
Stan: For the fifth time! It's-it's not an actual face!DipperErrrgh!
(Cut to Mabel and Norman in the woods.)
Mabel: Finally, we're alone.
Norman: Yes. Alone...
"Make that eleven flags," Wendy said.
"Like the Fourth of July flags, right? Or Pride Month? Oh, I love those flags, they're so pretty!" Mabel exclaimed, and Wendy decided to preserve the little girl's innocence a little bit longer.
(Cut back to the Mystery Shack.)
Dipper: Stan! Stan! (Sees Wendy drive up in a golf cart and runs over) Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! I need to borrow the golf cart so I can save my sister from a zombie!
Wendy:(Gives Dipper the key and walks off) Try not to hit any pedestrians.
"Hit everything else!!"
(Dipper gets in and starts to drive, but Soos stops him)
Soos: Dude, it's me: Soos. This is for the zombies. (Gives Dipper a shovel)
Dipper: Thanks.
Soos: (Holds up a baseball bat) And this is in case you see a piñata.Dipper(Takes the bat) Uh... Thanks? (Drives off)
Soos: Better safe than sorry!
"I mean, I didn't see any piñatas, but thanks, I guess?"
"Don't worry about it, dude."
(Cut back to the woods.)
Norman: Uh, Mabel, now that we've gotten to know each other, there's... (exhales) ...there's something I should tell you.
Mabel: Oh, Norman, you can tell me anything! (Thinking:) Please be a vampire, please be a vampire!
"Get ready to pay up, Pines!" Pacifica said smugly, then caught off-guard by Mabel's mirrored look.
Norman: All right, just... just don't freak out, okay? Just... just keep an open mind, be cool! (Unzips his coat and throws it off; underneath are five gnomes standing on top of each other.
"WHAT?!" Pacifica shrieked. Grenda held out a hand for the cash. Pacifica rolled her eyes and stalked over, pushing the bills into her hand.
"Whoo! I'm rich now!"
The top gnome speaks)
Is this weird? Is this too weird? Do you need to sit down?
(Mabel stares at the gnomes in total shock)
Jeff: R-r-right, I'll explain. So! We're gnomes. First off. Get that one outta the way.
Mabel: Uh...
Jeff: I'm Jeff,
"He looks like a Jeff," Stan 3 said.
and here we have Carson, Steve, Jason, and... I'm sorry, I always forget your name.
Shmebulock: Shmebulock.
Jeff: (Snaps his fingers) Shmebulock! Yes! Anyways, long story short, us gnomes have been lookin' for a new queen! Right, guys?
Carson, Stever, Jason: Queen! Queen! Queen!
Jeff: Heh. So what do you say? (Taps Steve with his foot, and the gnomes work together to make "Norman" kneel in a proposing fashion) Will you join us in holy matrignomey?
"Heh. Puns."
Matri...matri-mo-ny! Blah! Can't talk today!
Mabel: Look... I'm sorry, guys. You're really sweet, but, I'm a girl, and you're gnomes, and it's like, "what"? Yikes...
Jeff We understand. We'll never forget you, Mabel. (The gnomes look sad and Mabel smiles) Because we're gonna kidnap you.
"Yes, they have a nasty habit of doing that," Ford 1 said.
"Seriously, Sixer?" Stan 1 asked, and Ford 2 nodded.
"I thought they might have outgrown it. But they're easy to beat, hit them with anything remotely heavy and drop kick a couple, before they can stack, you'll be fine," Ford 1 said.
"They... evolved," Dipper said.
Mabel: Huh?
(Jeff yells and jumps at her. Mabel screams.)
"Mabel!"
"I was fine. They're not very strong."
(Cut to Dipper driving through the woods.)
Dipper: Don't worry, Mabel! I'll save you from that zombie!
Mabel: (Off-screen) Help!
Dipper: Hold on!
(Cut to the gnomes trying to pin down Mabel.)
Jeff: The more you struggle, the more awkward this is gonna be for everybody! Just, ha ha, okay. Get her arm there, Steve!
Mabel: (With Steve biting her sweater arm) Let go of me! (Punches Steve off)
"HA! In your face!"
(Steve bounces around, then stand upright and pukes a rainbow)
"They barf rainbows?" Candy said in awe, and Mabel swore her eyes expanded.
"Yeah!"
"Did you touch it?"
"It's still barf, Grenda."
"It's still a rainbow! Someone get a gnome, I'm touching that rainbow!"
Dipper: What the heck is going on here?!
(A gnome hisses at him)
Mabel: Dipper! Norman turned out to be a bunch of gnomes! And they're total jerks! (As a gnome pulls her hair) Hair! Hair! Hair!
Dipper: Gnomes? Huh, I was way off.
"That's Gravity Falls for ya. Nothing works like it should."
(Takes the journal out of his vest and reads the relevant page aloud:) "Gnomes: little men of the Gravity Falls Forest. Weaknesses: unknown."
"You are not very helpful."
"You were arguing with a tourist on whether or not the rock that looks like a face was a face or just looks like one!"
"It just looks like a face! The people here are dumb!"
(When Dipper lowers the book, he sees that the gnomes have managed to tie Mabel to the ground)
Mabel: Aw, come on!
Dipper: (Walks up to Jeff) Hey, HEY! Let go of my sister!
Jeff: Oh! Ha ha, hey, there! Um, you know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in danger. She's just marrying all one thousand of us and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity! Isn't that right, honey?
Mabel: You guys are butt-faces! (A gnome covers her mouth) Mmmm-MMMMM!
Dipper: (Holds up the shovel he brought, pointing it at Jeff) Give her back right now, or else!
Jeff: You think you can stop us, boy? You have no idea what we're capable of. The gnomes are a powerful race! Do not trifle with the—
(Dipper casually tosses him away with the shovel)
Everyone laughed heartily, even Pacifica, though she stopped after realizing so.
AH!
(Dipper cuts Mabel free with the shovel)
Mabel: Yah! (Kicks gnomes away; Dipper and Mabel get in the cart)
"WHOO!"
Jeff: He's getting away with our queen! No, no, no!
Dipper: Seatbelt. (Mabel buckles, he backs up and then he drives away)
"Yeah!! At dawn we ride!!" Wendy said, making a fist.
"What was that for?"
"I dunno, man. Just fit the mood."
Jeff: You've messed with the wrong creatures, boy!
Gnomes of the forest: ASSEMBLE!
"Naw, dudes. See, it goes like this. Avengers, Assemble!" Soos shouted, and he received applause from the youth.
(Various gnomes come out and stack up)
"Oh! That's much bigger than before," Ford 1 said.
"Jesus Christ, Ford."
"Well, at least you can't deny magic exists anymore, Grunkle Stan?" Mabel said, making jazz-hands.
"Kid, it's kind of obvious around here. I've ignored it to keep you two safe. The one time I didn't lie well enough."
Mabel: Hurry, before they come after us!
Dipper: I wouldn't worry about it. See their little legs? Those suckers are tiny! (Stops the cart as he hears a stomping sound; a giant stacked gnome stops at the cart)
Mabel: Dang.
Jeff: (On the top, using gnomes' hats like levers) All right, teamwork, guys. Like we practiced. (Gnomes growl)
"Drive, drive, drive!!"
"What do you think we were doing?"
Mabel: Move, MOVE!
(Dipper drives the cart away just as the gnomes smash their arm down and it breaks. The gnomes run frantically back into position and they chase the kids again)
Jeff: Come back with our queen!
Mabel: It's getting closer!
"....And here we are! All caught up."
(The gnome giant throws several gnomes at the cart, who chew the cart and cause havoc)
Gnome: (Hanging from side of cart) Ha ha!
(Mabel elbow punches a gnome off. Shmebulock jumps up behind Dipper, who grabs him and slams him into the steering wheel out of annoyance.)
Shmebulock: Shmebulock... (Falls out of the cart)
(A gnome jumps onto the cart and claws Dipper's face)
Mabel: I'll save you, Dipper! (Repeatedly punches the gnome off of Dipper's face and the gnome falls off with Dipper's hat)
"Well, you had a good arm, and you got him off," Dipper reassured Mabel, who had swallowed harshly.
Dipper: (Dazed from the punches) Thanks, Mabel...
Mabel: Don't mention it. (The gnome giant picks up tree and throws it) Look out!
Dipper and Mabel: AAAAAAHHHHHH!
(The cart overturns, landing next to the Mystery Shack. Dipper and Mabel crawl out of the cart as the gnomes approach.)
Dipper:(To the gnomes) Stay back, man! (Throws the shovel at the gnome giant, which punches the shovel in mid-air.)
Dipper and Mabel: (Grab each other) Aaahhh!
Dipper: Uh, where's Grunkle Stan?!
(Cut to Stan in the shack with some tourists.)
Stan: (Holding up a swirly pattern on a stick) Behold! The world's most distracting object!
Tourists: Oooh...
Stan: Just try to look away, you can't! I can't even remember what I was talking about.
"Wow, Stan. Really great parenting."
"That's why I'm an uncle, Sixer!"
Jeff: It's the end of the line, kids! Mabel, marry us before we do something crazy!
"This is just stright-up assault now!" Wendy shouted.
Dipper: There's gotta be a way out of this!
Mabel: I gotta do it.
"NO!" Gideon actually shrieked.
"I know he's a child psycho, but what's his beef with Mabel?" Ford 1 asked.
"He tried to make me his girlfriend once and tried to kill us all a lot of times. And he's, like, nine!" Mabel shudered, inching away from Gideon as Dipper pulled her away.
Dipper: What?! Mabel, don't do this! Are you crazy?
Mabel Trust me.
Fords 1 and 2 thought that was rather ironic.
Dipper: What?
Mabel: Dipper, just this once. Trust me!
(Dipper glances at gnomes, then Mabel, then backs away)
All right, Jeff. I'll marry you.
Jeff: Hot dog! Help me down there, Jason! (Climbing down to her) Thanks, Andy! All right, left foot, there we go, watch those fingers, Mike. (Approaches Mabel and holds out diamond ring) Eh? Eh?(Mabel holds out hand and Jeff puts the ring on her hand) Bada-bing, bada-bam! Now let's get you back into the forest, honey!
"This is so wrong in so many ways," Pacifica said under her breath.
Mabel: You may now kiss the bride!
Jeff: Well, don't mind if I do. (Leans up to kiss Mabel, who leans out to kiss Jeff, then takes out leaf blower)
"Ah-hah!"
Jeff: Ah! Hey, hey, wait a minute! Whoa, whoa! Wh-what's goin' on?! (Gets sucked half-way into leaf-blower)
Mabel: That's for lying to me! (Increases the sucking power) THAT'S for breaking my heart!
Jeff: (Slowly getting sucked in further) Ow! My face!
Mabel: And THIS is for messing with my brother! (Aims; to Dipper:) Wanna do the honors?
Dipper: On three!
Dipper & Mabel: One, two, three!
(Blast Jeff towards the gnome monster, which explodes into separate gnomes)
"YEAH!"
"Great job, knuckleheads!"
"Leafblowers! Who would've thought..."
Jeff: (Flying off into the distance) I'll get you back for this!...
"In your face!"
(Other gnomes scream when they fall)
Gnome: Who's giving orders? I need orders!
"Yeesh."
Gnome 2: My arms are tired.
Dipper: (While Mabel moves the leaf blower back and forth, blowing gnomes away) Anyone else want some? (The gnomes run off on all fours; one gets caught in a six-pack holder)
Gompers: (Picks the six-pack holder up and runs off) Blah-ah-ah.
Gnome in the six-pack holder: (In the background) Aaaaahhhhh!
Mabel: Hey, Dipper? I, um...I'm sorry for ignoring your advice. You really were just looking out for me.
Dipper: Oh, don't be like that. You saved our butts back there.
Mabel: I guess I'm just sad that my first boyfriend turned out to be a bunch of gnomes.
"Boys are overrated, Mabel. You should stop caring what they think. We're women! We're independent and awesome! You beat up and tricked a bunch of gnomes in a plot worthy of Mr. Pines on the spot! You're great!" Wendy said, and gave Mabel a pat on the back, which made the younger girl beam.
"She's got a point, pumpkin," Stan 1 said, and ruffled her hair.
Dipper: Look on the bright side. Maybe the next one will be a vampire!
"Gideon could pass for a vampire, actually."
"No. Don't even put that in my head."
Mabel: Oh, you're just saying that!
Dipper: Awkward sibling hug?
Mabel: Awkward sibling hug.
Dipper & Mabel: (Hug and pat each other) Pat, pat.
"Awww!"
(The two walk into the Mystery Shack.)
Stan: Yeesh. You two get hit by a bus or something? Ahah!
(Dipper and Mabel begin to walk away)
Uh, hey! W-wouldn't you know it? Um, I accidentally overstocked some inventory, so, uh... how's about each of you take one item from the gift shop? On the house, y'know?
Mabel: Really?
Dipper: (Folds arms) What's the catch?
Stan 3 narrowed his eyes at Dipper, who returned the esture,
Stan: The catch is do it before I change my mind, now take something. (The twins look around at items)
Dipper(Picks up a blue pine tree hat from one of the shelves and looks in a mirror) Hmm. That oughta do the trick!
Ford 1 looked from Dipper's hat to the one on screen. Then remembered a certain zodiac from ages ago... And one of Mabel's sweaters was a shooting star. And Stan's fez matched with the zodiac. And the question mark of Soos' shirt.
And Bill.
For a split second, the Fords had seen Bill in the intro. It was definete.
Mabel: And I will have a... (Grabs item from box, hides it, and twirls around) Grappling hook!
"Grappling hook!" Mabel shouted, very glad she'd chosen it, after saving her and Dipper's lives with it not two hours ago.
Yes!
Stan: (To Dipper) Wouldn't she rather have, like, a doll, or something?
Mabel: (Fires the grappling hook up at the ceiling; it catches and pulls her up) GRAPPLING HOOK!
Stan: Fair enough!
(Cut to Mabel and Dipper's bedroom. Dipper is writing while Mabel jumps on her bed, laughing.)
Dipper: (Writing in Journal while narrating:) This journal told me there was no one in Gravity Falls I could trust. (Looking at Mabel) But when you battle a hundred gnomes side-by-side with someone, you realize that they've probably always got your back.
Mabel beamed and hugged Dipper, who hugged back. The Stans and the Fords glanced at them wistfully.
(Mabel shoots grappling hook, then reels it back with a stuffed animal attached)
Dipper: Hey, Mabel, could you get the light?
Mabel: I'm on it! (Knocks light out the window with the grappling hook) It works!
Dipper and Mabel: (Laugh)
Mabel: Grappling hook...
Dipper: (Narrating:) Our uncle told us there was nothing strange about this town. But who knows what other secrets are waiting to be unlocked.
"Lots, my boy!" Ford 3 said.
(Cut to the Mystery Shack exterior. Stan walks in holding a lantern. He goes into the gift shop and puts a code into the vending machine.
"Stanley... You didn't..." Ford 1 said sternly, narrowing his eyes at Stan 1.
"So what if I have been?"
Ford 1 and 2 looked severely annoyed, and both groaned simultaniously.
The machine opens, and Stan walks inside, looking side-to-side before closing it behind him.
End credits: Steve pukes a rainbow for several seconds.)
"Rainbow puke..." Candy whispered.
A/N: Whew! First chapter is done! Let me know what you think!