"Bras, check...panties, check...all of my make-up, check...shoes, check..."
I looked over everything on my list, making sure I had them in my suitcases.
"Looks like I have everything, and with time to spare", I said as I looked back at my clock.
I got accepted by a modeling agency in New York. My flight leaves in a few hours. I got my dream job, I'm excited.
I keep telling myself I'm excited but I don't quite feel like it. I thought about what Sarina said, that this is kind of like me running away.
"Grace?"
It was my mom, she knocked on the door before entering. When she saw me, she looked sad.
"All packed up", I said in a cheerful tone.
The same expression didn't resonate with her.
"Are you sure you want to do this Grace? You just graduated high school. Don't you want to spend more time here?"
"No mom. This is a rare opportunity; I don't want to miss it. Besides, I worked hard getting to where I need to be."
"I know. I just feel like, it's my fault you are even interested in this in the first place. I just...growing up, we didn't have much, especially food. Once I moved out and met your father, we worked hard to make sure you guys had plenty to eat. I didn't think of going overboard. It's hurts to know that it's my fault you were picked on for all these years."
I looked at the floor.
She never talked to me about it.
Growing up I always loved my parents. They did work hard to make me, my younger sister and my two older brothers happy. We didn't have lots of money, I didn't care about that. My mom loved to cook. She made our favorite things all the time. I ate, knowing it was my mothers love to us. When I realized I was the fat girl in middle school was when I started to feel self-conscious. I was made fun of, boys never looked my way, I hated it. I blamed my mom, she was the reason why I was fat. I distanced myself from her and started losing weight...not the healthy way. I dove into the dark world of bulimia. Before that, I researched my options on how to lose weight fast without my parents noticing. With bulimia I could eat all I want and then after dinner I would puke my guts out. I would do that all the time until I saw fast results, I was so happy. I was finally pretty, boys were paying attention to me. Once I started high school, I was the popular girl. My parents of course questioned my weight loss, I told them I joined sports and worked out often after school. They didn't think twice and were happy for me. I really thought bulimia was the answer until I learned the bad consequences from it. Hair loss, ulcers, teeth problems and more. Those things got harder and harder to hide. I tried to stop but the power of bulimia kept me on its leash.
I needed help but I didn't know how to get it. I didn't want to tell my parents because it would only worry them. This was all my fault, not theirs. That was around the time I met Sarina. I told her everything, I couldn't keep my secret inside anymore. She quickly became my best friend and the one who helped me towards recovery. While I could go to a clinic, we researched online on how I could get better. I stayed over her house many times, learning to eat right and exercise the right way. It wasn't easy but, with her help, she made it possible for me to get healthy again. Around the same time I met Javi who also learned about my condition. Thanks to him I got some financial help. His parents never really paid attention to his spending habits because he never used their money very often. He got me a good doctor and dentist. I got all fixed up, looking better than ever and then some.
With the new attention I got from boys, I was scared that if I didn't keep up with my appearance, I would lose it all. Bulimia is an illness that you can't just forget. I got better but it was still there, waiting for me to return. I couldn't undo all the progress, especially knowing how much my best friends helped me. I later learned boys don't care about a girl's size, they care about the one thing we all have. Yeah, I got into sleeping around. It was the attention I longed for but as I got older...I felt like it wasn't enough. I'm mature now, I can't play these teen games anymore. That's why...I need to get away, to start over from scratch and New York is my new start to my new life.
My mom was about to say something, I cut her off.
"I'm sorry mom, for everything."
"What do you mean?"
I looked at her.
"You know what I mean. I blamed you for all of my troubles, but it was never your fault. You loved me, you loved all of us and...I let society standards get in the way. I feel like, I'm still struggling. I wanted to run away but I learned that you can't run away from your problems, you have to face them."
I walked up to her, taking her arms in my hands.
"I want to find myself, my true self. If modeling isn't for me, I'll find out what my calling truly is. Think of this as some time of self-discovery, a healing journey for myself."
She let out a sigh. Her hand came up to gently comb through my hair.
"I wish we had better communication years ago", she said.
"I know, we are now. It's never too late."
"Will you contact me...often I mean", she asked in a worried tone.
"Of course. I want to tell you everything. You're my mom after all."
"Your dad is so worried about all of this but...I'll let him know that I'm okay with this as well."
"Really?"
"Of course."
She took me into her arms for a big hug. I felt so happy all of a sudden. I haven't hugged my mom like this since I was little. This makes me not want to leave.
"My little girl is all grown up now."
I laughed.
"You have one more to go before it's just you and dad, then you can vaca all you want."
"No, we will miss you two. I won't know what to do with myself if I'm not a mom."
"You will always be our mom, just with less work."
She laughed.
"Taxi's here", my sister called out.
"I'll help you with your bags", mom said.
With my stuff all pack I said my last good-byes to my family. I could feel my heart racing both from nervousness and excitement.
I pulled out my phone to call Javi and Sarina.
"Hey you two, I'm on my way to the airport!"
"What", Sarina shouted.
"You're leaving without seeing us", Javi said angrily.
"Yes! I would have cried my eyes out if I saw you two."
"Grace, you made an enemy to us now", Sarina said.
I laughed.
"I know, I'm sorry. I promise I'll make it up to you two. When you come down to New York, I'll hook you up like celebs."
"You better not be some rich guy's sugar daddy", Sarina warned.
"Hm...hey...that's not a bad idea."
"Grace!"
"Joking, joking. Anyway...I'm not doing this to run away anymore."
"Really", Sarina said.
"Yeah, I made amends with my mom and all that happy shit...we are on great terms now."
"Told you things will be fine. You never listen", Javi said.
"Shut up military boy."
"You just wait until you see me in uniform, you'll be all over me", he said.
"No way, you got Sarina."
"H-Hey...we aren't—"
"Yeah, yeah. Well Sarina...when I get back, you better have found someone. Okay?"
"It doesn't work like that Grace."
I laughed.
We spent a long time on the phone, all the way until I made it to the airport.
"Looks like I'm here guys", I said in a somber tone.
"I would say you can change your mind but...I feel better knowing this isn't some attempt to run away from your problems", Sarina said.
"Yeah. Just, don't forget about us", Javi said.
"Never! How dare you say that?"
"Yeah Javi, how dare you", Sarina said.
"You females need to stop ganging up on me."
"Shut up Javi...I'll miss you guys so much."
"You can video chat with us you know", Sarina said.
"I will. I have to hang up now guys. I'll call once I'm in New York."
"Okay", Sarina said.
"Sounds", said Javi.
"Love you guys."
They said the same thing back before we all hung up.
Security went by smoothly, a couple hours later I was on the plane. Once in the air I took one last look at my home, never before leaving it behind. I'm surprised how calm I am on my first flight. I guess it's because I feel good about it, maybe this is what I'm supposed to do after all.