Warnings: Death, blood, hyperventilating, Angst
(Synopsis of the whole chapter at the end if these are triggering, I will do these for all of the future triggering / Angst chapters. I will also do them for flashback chapters since I find flashback chapters boring a lot of the time and others probably do too, and trust me, there is a lot coming up.)
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Xiao had already known that Ganyu and Yanfei had spread word to the others by now. He, although deep down would never outwardly admit this, may have been willing to keep their presence a secret, however his eyes weren't the only eyes to have witnessed them anymore.
In an effort to not only preserve time but also get them away from the city, Xiao had taken (Y/N) elsewhere to which they didn't complain. They only followed silently in defeat, knowing this was bound to happen and that they had only made everything worse by coming here with Aether.
Finding a secluded area lush with greenery and in which you could only see specks of the city in the distance, Xiao walked over to the only tree that stood proudly on the mound as he carefully watched (Y/N)'s every move.
Understanding this was their final destination, (Y/N) walked over to the tree before gently placing their hand on the bark. They felt the grooves along their palm and the rough texture before deeming it something they were willing to rest against. They turned around before sitting and leaning their back against the tree, opting for a comfortable position to be in as Xiao scrutinized them.
They could hear the crunching of grass as it became flattened under Xiao's footsteps, his slow approach causing them to look up at him.
"Why have you really returned? You could have hidden away." Xiao asked in a low voice, even making effort to look around as if he were expecting there to be eavesdroppers.
(Y/N) shrugged, shoulders sliding against the bark as they felt it shear against their clothes.
"I want my vision back. You don't happen to know where it is, do you? Faster I get it, quicker I leave."
"I wouldn't tell you even if I did know where it was. Why do you need it?" Xiao asked, biting his lip subconsciously.
(Y/N) rolled their eyes. "There's no reason to want what's mine. It's not like I'm going to use it for anything bad anyways."
Xiao couldn't help but let out a heavy sigh through his nose, shaking his head back and forth before his eyes lidded into a glare.
"I can't trust anything you say."
——————Flashback Start——————
The real personality of (Y/N), the one Yae Miko had always wanted to meet, was nobody impressive. When they were younger, around the time they first met Xiao, they were vulnerable and sympathetic, scared of many things despite their strengths. After an incident in their childhood, they became rather mean, sarcastic, and serious— getting over their fears quickly and taking training more seriously because they forced themself to.
Xiao knew them better than anyone and they knew him the same way. The two would always dart for one another whenever they had problems. They trusted each other more than anything, because at the time, there was no one else to trust and confide in with their traumas.
They had a mutual understanding that the two had seen lots of shit and that they would be there for one another, however one came out far more stable than the other. After all, not everyone reacts to trauma in the same way.
Some people may experience unimaginable hell but still be able to persevere, while some may break from one experience. There's nothing wrong with that— trauma is a matter that should never be invalidated just because another has gone through more.
Trauma in the end is still trauma after all.
And perhaps that invalidation can further uproot that trauma and force it to deepen— while the victim may even deny what they have when comparing it to other's experiences. Although it may not be visible, it is still there and only healing can mend the fractured mind. There was no healing for (Y/N).
Looking back at that one incident in (Y/N)'s childhood, it was a moment that had left them with trauma. They had watched as their babysitter was killed right in front of them. They memorized how he fell forward and they memorized the noise of squelching and crunching noises as his neck was pierced with a spear. They were unable to get the noises out of their head as it kept repeating the whole day and night.
They didn't even know that amount of blood can fit in someone's body. They would never forget the numbing sensation of hitting their palms against the ground to scramble backwards as the blood splurged out so quickly in their direction they would have been soaked. The way only whistling noises erupted from the mans mouth as he tried to call out their name sounded like gusts of wind when it was breezy out— and they would freeze up at the slightest sound resembling it from that moment forward.
They remembered their heart hammering against their chest as the man fell over, the spear lodged straight through his throat where they could see the tip of it smeared in blood since it pierced all the way through.
They were feeling fine— not sickly in the slightest before then, but their stomach churned in a way and their mouth watered as tears gathered in their eyes before throwing up the breakfast that was prepared for them that morning. It left a disgusting taste in their mouth, but all they could do was sit there and deal with it as they cried— too scared and traumatized to even get up to find help before it arrived on its own hours later. Little did they know that would be the least of their concerns from this incident.
When comrades arrived after hours of searching for the missing child, no one consoled them or asked if they were okay— instead immediately interrogating them to get to the end of this mysterious 'death'. They were supposed to be this strong, awe inducing prodigy and the child of this amazing, all-powerful god. Yet they had inherited the soft feelings of their mother and were naturally quite sensitive and not as hardened as their father, but no one considered this.
As a result, that night, they ran away from home. They went to the only person they could trust enough to rant to and tell of the gruesome imagery that they were forced to witness.
"I can't sleep, I can still see him— trying to say my name." (Y/N) had whimpered as they sat on the floor with their back against the wall, tucking their legs closer to their chest and wrapping their arms around their legs.
This fetal position was something they had found themself in quite a lot lately— keeping shaky eyes directed into their lap calming them down as they ignored the views and noises of the rest of the world knowing anything could trigger the scene playing vividly again.
Xiao, who was sitting next to them with his legs propped up and neck angled back so he stared up at the ceiling, continued to listen to them as they ranted. His eyebrows were furrowed in slight anger, though (Y/N) couldn't see since they had their attention directed towards their lap.
He was upset that they were forced to re-live the memories after being interrogated by multiple people and were forced to run away to find comfort in him— and although he could never be mad at Rex Lapis, he was a little disappointed that (Y/N)'s feelings weren't even slightly considered by him.
"Why was that man trying to kill me? What did I do to him?" They had mumbled, and when registering their own words, the memory began to play again and it wouldn't stop even when they squeezed their eyes shut and shook their head.
Trying to think of something else wouldn't work— their heart began drumming sporadically and aggressively against their chest as the imagery played out and got to the peak where one of the men was about to be killed. Their lips parted as they began to hyperventilate— taking short, rapid breaths that felt as if they were suffocating and not breathing at all.
Xiao retained a composed expression, looking over towards (Y/N) who was trying to hide down their panic, but he could see it clear as day.
His eyes slightly widened, and since they were both kids at the time, the two displayed much more physical contact than they would later on. He leaned over before throwing his arms around them, his long dark teal-toned hair that reached his back pressing against (Y/N)'s shoulder as he practically threw himself on top of them.
(Y/N)'s breaths and rapid beating heart slowed down and their mind went blank as they angled their head to align their face with Xiao's, the boy giving them a small sad smile when they made eye contact. He squeezed their shoulders before pulling them closer to him, his knee bumping against their side, but they said nothing as their clammy hands shakily reached out for the boy and grabbed onto whatever they could as they felt tears begin to well up in their eyes.
"You did nothing wrong." Xiao reassured as he heard small sobs leave (Y/N)'s lips, the sound making his heart cry out and feel as if it were shattering. His hand reached out to their mid back before he soothingly rubbed circles, the hiccups beginning as they tried to suppress their cries while pressing their face into Xiao's clothing.
He glared at the wall behind them, his lips parting as he uttered words that would contradict themself many times in the future.
"Listen to me (Y/N). I won't ever let you see something like that again. I'll protect you. I promise you can trust me, I will always be your ally."
It was quiet for a moment after as (Y/N) choked on shaky breaths, attempting to recompose themself while Xiao remained patient and gave them all the time they would need. He felt them look up and stopped burying their face within his clothing as they stared at the open space in the room, talking to Xiao without having to look at him as they remained in one another's embrace.
"You mean it?" They questioned hopefully, their fragile voice looking for reassurance even though they knew he was always there to protect them before so there was no reason for that to change. He nodded his head, (Y/N) feeling the motion which made them significantly calm down.
"(Y/N)... I..."
——————Flashback Ends——————
Xiao looked at them with a hardened and cold face, the words falling from his lips after he contemplated them long and hard, knowing if he ever intended to say them it would have to be now.
"I can't bring myself to hate you... and even now I don't want you dead."
(Y/N)'s eyes widened, everything that they had thought he viewed them as currently crumbling. They tilted their head, eyebrows furrowed as a dumbfounded noise slipped past their lips.
"Huh?"
"That's what you've been thinking, right? That I wanted you dead this whole time?"
He has always been reluctant. Within his contract, it is stated he must cut down any threat to Liyue, and there was a huge one standing in front of him. But even though he knew he had to, he didn't want to. It's what made him hesitate for so long— and even now despite knowing he should take their life.
He just wanted them out of his sight. He could consider them dead as long as they never again appeared, selfishly tell no one and pretend they never made their appearance, and yet they remained as if they intended on torturing him.
He recalled their words from their last day in the teapot, within that suffocating library filled to the ceiling with books.
"After all, am I the one solely to blame for my actions? Perhaps you guys—"
He had cut them off from speaking amidst his anger, but reflecting on it, he realized they may have had a point.
Xiao, for the first time since reuniting with (Y/N) ever since they entered the teapot, frowned not in anger or displeasure, but sadness.
"No one wants it. Maybe... partially it was our fault. We didn't see you were going through all of that, and we should have been there to help you mourn in a normal way."
(Y/N) knew who he meant by no one. It didn't refer to literally everyone who knew what they did mutually agreed they didn't want them dead, but a specific few. No one referred to himself, Ganyu, and Yanfei. The three who were there for most of (Y/N)'s life and had formed a group of best friends that would divide and separate over time— becoming more like strangers because of one's selfish actions.
Xiao realized he had shown vulnerability in front of (Y/N), forgetting momentarily that the (Y/N) standing in front of him wasn't the one that he trusted. This one was different from the one who's shoulder he cried on, who protected him and fought by his side, and at one point even confessed their love for him.
No, that one was long gone and could never return to him no matter how desperately he wanted them to.
Xiao gently shut his eyes, finding comfort in the darkness the action provided as he pressed his lips together before parting them lightly and continuing to speak.
"But it's too late, god you're so stupid. You had to go out and use your potential for the wrong reasons. Nothing can return to how it was, you've lost everyone's trust. Rex Lapis's and mine especially."
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Synopsis: (Y/N) tells Xiao their objective, in which they are in Liyue because they are searching for their vision. He says he can't trust them anymore, and that pains (Y/N) as they re-call a flashback to when he was the only one they could trust. In the flashback, after witnessing their babysitter be murdered in front of them and not being consoled by anyone, they run away and go to Xiao, who comforts them and promises he will protect them and always be on their side.
Xiao attempts to confess something to them, however the flashback is cut off as we return to the present where he tells them he actually doesn't want them to die despite saying he did in an earlier chapter. He realizes he was showing his personal emotions to them again and remembers he must no longer let them in and see him vulnerable, leaving off with him telling them how nothing can return and trust is lost.