El didn't go to Borgin and Burke's for a while; it wasn't until several weeks later that she went. She had been standing by the entrance of Knockturn Alley for several minutes with her hands in her pockets before she gained the courage to walk down.
The small bell above the door of the shop rang when she entered, and striking green eyes met El's. He was looked younger than she thought he'd be; no older than his early forties.
"You're Alfred," she stated. "I'm—"
"I know who you are," he said simply. "Do you wish to talk in another room?"
El nodded, "lead the way."
Alfred turned the sign on the door to say 'closed', then walked through a door in one corner of the shop, into a small, messy room with a black leather sofa and two old armchairs. El sat as he poured two glasses of firewhiskey and handed her one.
"You seem very calm," he said, taking a small sip of his drink.
"I'm not."
Alfred's lip twitched, a subtle hint of an almost smile. "That's understandable. I'm assuming you have questions."
"Why did you leave?"
He didn't acknowledge her bluntness, he seemed to appreciate it more than anything. "Many reasons," Alfred sighed, "Belvina was one of them, but there were others." He was deliberately being vague—giving her a politicians answer. "Faking death seemed far better than the real thing."
"Did it not occur to you that you were leaving two children in Belvina's care?" El snapped.
"I did not believe she would ever cause her children physical harm."
"You were wrong."
"I apologise, Eleanor, truly," he sounded honest, but that made no difference.
"Why didn't you stay dead?"
"I wanted to know my children."
"You could've known me if you didn't fucking leave in the first place!" she countered. Hot anger was quickly brewing in her stomach, twisting and contorting as if she were about to burst.
"I hoped the money i gave you for the necklace might make your life slightly better."
"You think money can make up for you leaving both your children with an abusive mother!?" she shouted.
"I know nothing can make up for what i did—"
"You're right about that."
"But i want to try," he looked her straight in the eye, giving her a chance to properly look at him.
"Do you think there's anything you can do so that i'd forgive you?"
He stayed silent for a while, "allow me to try at least."
El looked straight at him but gave him no sign that she was agreeing.
Neither spoke for a while, though Alfred never took his eyes off her, studying every feature they shared. "Is that an engagement ring?"
El looked down at the emerald on her finger, "yeah,"
"What's his name?"
"James," she paused for a moment, "Potter."
Alfred nodded, then spoke again for before the silence lasted long enough to feel uncomfortable. "What's he like?"
"One of the best people i've ever met," she said quietly.
"When's the wedding?" he asked.
"We don't know yet, he only asked a few weeks ago," she fiddled with her ring as she spoke, refusing to meet his eye.
"Who's giving you away?"
The question hit El like a slap in the face. The thought hadn't crossed her mind, but now it had and it made her not want to get married at all. "I haven't thought about it," she mumbled.
"This isn't me expecting to be invited, by the way."
"Good. You aren't."
Alfred looked down and nodded, "that's fair." They were silent again for a while after that.
"Did you ever speak to Luke?"
"No," he looked down again, "we're you two close?"
El almost laughed, "last time i saw him he stabbed me."
"Merlin!"
"Yeah, in his defence, he was aiming for someone else. But him and i were never close, i wasn't close with any family," she admitted, "except Theo, he helped me leave when Belvina nearly killed me."
"Where did you go?"
"James'."
Alfred shifted awkwardly. "He sounds like a good man."
"He is," she said truthfully.
"Can i meet him?"
The question caught her off guard. "Umm eventually, yeah, if he wants to."
"Thank you," he smiled.
There was another lull in conversation, El finished off her whiskey then run her finger over the rim of the glass. "What about Morgan?"
His brow furrowed, "Morgan?"
"Fenwick."
"Ah," he finished his whiskey in one large gulp. "You know about that."
"Yep."
"I wanted to leave Belvina for a long time before i did, i met Andrea Fenwick and..."
"You impregnated her," El said bluntly.
"Not intentionally. I was twenty two, i hated my wife, i fell in love with another woman. I was about to divorce her when she got pregnant with you."
"Sorry for the inconvenience," El snapped.
"That's not what i—" he stopped himself mid sentence. "Belvina was never very connected to
you or Luke, she hired a nanny and neither of us saw you very often anyway."
"So that makes it okay?"
"Eleanor—"
"Belvina was terrible but you can't place all the blame on her. You cheated on your wife, you got another woman pregnant, you left your children with their abusive mother." So many emotions were resurfacing and blurring together into a feeling so intense it made her dizzy. She stood, "i should probably go home. Thank you for the whiskey."
"Please stay for another drink."
"No, i don't want to stay."
Alfred nodded, bowing his head, "okay. Please come see me again soon."
El gave a noncommittal nod, giving him a tight lipped smile before seeing herself out. Once she was a comfortable distance from the shop, El leant against a wall, letting out a loud breath and allowing her head to fall into her hands. It must have been late, the sky was dark and the street was empty.
She left Diagon Alley, out into muggle London, walking slowly and aimlessly along the empty streets. After a while she came across a small off-license and bought herself a cheap bottle of wine which she drank as she walked.
She didn't go home, she just kept walking, eventually settling in a quiet alleyway, where she then threw up the wine and whiskey she had consumed. She didn't know how long she sat there, it could have been 5 minutes or 5 hours, she had no guesses.
Her mindless walking eventually led her home, she knocked on the front door, which opened almost instantly. "Oh thank Merlin!" James pulled her inside, "you scared me! You're freezing, come here!" he grabbed a blanket off the sofa and wrapped it round her, then held her body against his to warm it.
El leaned into his embrace, gripping him tightly as she tucked her face into his neck.
"Please don't do that again, love, where were you?" he asked, stroking her hair softly.
"I went to see my dad," she mumbled as she pulled back, tears threatening to spill, "please don't make me talk about it."
"You don't have to, love, don't worry. Let's get you to bed," he threaded his fingers through her hair, massaging her scalp gently.
Still wrapped in the blanket, James led her through to the bedroom, sat her on the bed and began to unlace her boots.
"I just need to send a patronus to Sirius, Remus, Pete, Marisa, Dorcas and Marlene, but can i get you anything?" James asked, kneeling in front on where she sat, placing warm hands against her legs.
She shook her head, "why are you sending a patronus?"
"I had no clue where you were, so i sent a few people out looking for you," James looked down, seeming embarrassed.
"What time is it?"
"Three in the morning," he answered.
"Sorry, i didn't realise—"
"Hey, none of that, i'm just relieved you're okay," he pressed a kiss to her forehead, then left the room to send the patronuses.
El went to brush her teeth, then sat and waited patiently for him, it was not long before he returned. He removed her from the blanket so he could gently take off her jacket and push a jumper of his over her head. His touches were innocent as he undressed her, the act was not sexual, though it was filled with affection. He pulled her jeans from her legs, then gave her a pair of his boxers which she stepped into he pulled up her legs.
"He wants to meet you," El said quietly, breaking the comfortable silence as she sat back down and James knelt in front of her.
James did not need to ask who she was talking about. "You told him about me?"
"Mhmm," she looked down to where James' hands rested against her thighs, "believe it or not, i actually quite like you sometimes."
James smiled, weakly, "what was he like?"
"He would've made a better parent than Belvina," she whispered. A tear El hadn't noticed was brewing fell down her cheek, she wiped it away quickly.
"I'm sorry, love." He sat beside her and pulled her onto his lap. She buried her face in his neck as his thumb smoothed gentle circles on her hip. "I shouldn't have brought it up."
She hated it really; any form of emotion she could not wrangle into submission, even with James. Hates the vulnerability. Hates her family. But this wasn't something she could shove down and ignore, she had gone long enough avoiding her feelings about this and it was now spilling over the edge. She said no more, just turned further into him, closing her eyes and allowing him to hold her as she cried.
James sighed, leaning his cheek against her hair and occasionally whispering soft words of comfort.
After a while, James moved, "you need some sleep, love. Can i get you anything? Are you cold?"
"Not anymore," she kissed him once, then got under the duvet. "Thank you," she said, face hidden under James' jaw.
"You don't need to thank me, love," he whispered softly, "it's what i'm here for."
***
They slept in late the next morning, they both needed the extra sleep, and when they woke, Sirius, as always, had let himself into their flat and was sitting on their sofa.
"Padfoot," James greeted as he strolled out the bedroom, half dressed with dishevelled hair. He sat beside Sirius and placed his head in his lap, eyes closing blissfully as Sirius played with his hair
"Sirius," El grunted in greeting, as she walked out a few moments later and saw the two men on the sofa, "oi you've got your own wizard, keep your paws off mine."
"Sharing is caring, Burke. Mine's 6"4, i'll let you borrow him," Sirius winked.
"You two have been spending too much time together," James grumbled. "Your periods are gonna start syncing."
"Not yet, Prongs. Mine doesnt start 'til next week, El is clearly on hers now," Sirius joked.
"What makes you say that?" El asked as she picked up The Daily Prophet from the coffee table. She was, in fact, not on her period.
"She's moody," Sirius stated casually.
El hit him round the head with the newspaper.
"She's always moody," James said sleepily, his eyes remained closed until El hit him as well.
Come to think of it; El had not had her period since— she couldn't remember when her last one had been.
Shit.
"I said i'd see Marlene today, you two—i don't know—have sex or whatever you guys do," El said dismissively, walking out to change her clothes.
She dressed quickly, then apparated to Marlene's flat as fast as she could.
She knocked in the door consistently until Marlene opened it. "Is someone dying?" Marlene asked.
"No, but—" El walked straight past Marlene into her flat then turned to face her. "Do you have a pregnancy test?"
"I don't know how much you know about the reproductive system, but pregnancy normally isn't an issue with lesbians," Marlene stated bluntly.
"Yes, i know that! But isn't there some sort of spell you can do?" El asked frantically.
"I'm a war healer, i only know how to heal war-related injuries. Pregnancy doesn't count."
"Oh my fucking god i cannot be pregnant!" El began to pace, "i can't give birth during a war! I hate babies! I was on the pill for ages, then after Regulus died, i stopped taking care of myself and i can't even remember the last time i took the pill. I can't believe i didn't think about it! Do you think James will be angry?"
"Angry? El, he'll be thrilled," Marlene placed a hand on either of El's shoulders to stop her pacing. "We don't even know if you're pregnant yet, so relax, have a cup of tea, i'll go get you a pregnancy test."
El did not relax, she paced the length of the living room continuously until Marlene returned. She snatched the pregnancy test out of Marlene's hand and head straight for the bathroom.
The results take several minutes to show. They felt like the longest minutes of El's life. She sat impatiently on the closed toilet seat, leg bobbing up and down. They had set an egg timer for five minutes, it made a small clicking noise as each second passed by.
When the timer finally went off, El snatched the test off the surface and stared down at it.
"Oh."
***
a/n: word count 2.2k
enter: harry potter . or not. who knows