I watch her as she's fully asleep on her little office chair, with drool dripping down her mouth, and the soft blanket I placed over her to keep her warm. I can't help but admire her. It hurts me to know that she's putting all this stress onto herself, and refusing to let me help her in any way.
I don't want her to believe she's the reason why this problem has gotten so out of hand. She has absolutely nothing to do with this. I don't want her to feel guilty. I glance down at my legs after feeling something soft cuddle up against them.
"Hey Mittens, you want some attention too?", I whisper to myself, then kneel down to give our cat a few strokes. She happily meows at me and boops her nose against the back of my hand. "Could you keep Sami company for a little bit? I need to pay someone a visit." She gives me another meow, then watches me put on my jacket and head outside.
Sam has returned from his vacation today, and I've decided to welcome him back right away. Also, I was hoping I could talk to him about what's been happening lately. Not only is he my best friend, but he's also Sami's, so if anyone knows how to help us, it should be him. Instead of knocking on his door, I know it's best to simply see if his window is open and climb in.
That's how I've been getting into his room for years.
I see Sam with his briefcase open, taking out different clothes and throwing them on the dirty pile or the basically-clean pile. I stomp on the floor twice to make him notice me. He turns around and instantly gives me a big smile before jumping up to give me a tight hug. "Seb, hi! How are you? How's Sami? You wanna know something super cool that happened to me during our vacation?", he bombs me with questions.
I sit down on his bed. "You can tell me everything you want to tell me." "For sure! But do you mind doing that while we head over to Penny real quick? She's got my skateboard, which I guess makes it a Penny Board, ha." I glance at Sam, refusing to laugh at his joke and simply shaking my head with a smirk on my face. "I missed you and your dumb jokes, Sam."
He scratches the back of his neck in embarrassment. "I missed your dumb face and your girlfriend. How is she, by the way?", he asks me and I shrug my shoulders. "Well, to be honest, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet", I reply. Sam looks at me in shock, almost tripping over a bump in the pathway "Excuse me?", he says. "We both confessed but we want to take it slow. Plus I want to ask her to be my girlfriend in a special way. I still need to figure out the right moment.", I explain to him.
He nods back reassuringly. "Alright, I won't scold you just yet." Sam notices that I'm fidgeting whilst talking about Sami and asks me if anything is wrong. I explain to him that we haven't been able to spend much time together this week because she's been busy doing research on the whole Joja problem and feeling like it's her job to fix it all by herself. "I get that it's important to her, but she hasn't been able to sleep properly. She doesn't even find the time to go outside much.", I tell him.
I notice him squinting his eyes. "Isn't she outside right now?", he asks. I tilt my head to the side in confusion. Suddenly Sam grabs my face and turns my head to make me look at the other side of the river towards the museum, where Sami is running. Did she finally find something? Or is she going to beg Gunther for help again? I shake my head. "I'm sure she has her reasons, I don't want to bother her if she doesn't want that."
Sam slaps my arm and looks at me annoyed "You're way too calm about this, man.", he says. "Well what am I supposed to do then? Tell me." He ponders for a bit before shrugging his shoulders "Not sure, but there has to be something you could do. Oh look! There's Penny!" Sam excitedly waves at her and I can't help but grin at them. I can't wait for them to start dating eventually.
Penny waves back at him and walks in our direction with his skateboard in her hand. "There you go. I took great care of it.", she says with a gentle smile on her face. I examine the way they interact together. It's quite noticeable that Sam softens up a lot when Penny is around and he's far more careful with his touchy-nature and his jokes. He doesn't want to make her feel uncomfortable in any way.
Suddenly I can't help but think about what Sami could be doing at the museum right now. She seemed to have been in quite a hurry. Hopefully it wasn't anything bad. I know how she must've felt back when I was too busy to give her enough attention. It feels weird, and I... I miss her. But it makes no sense to say that. We live together and I see her everyday but it still isn't enough. Am I selfish for feeling that way?
I was fully able to go without seeing or talking to Sam for a week, but not hearing Sami speak for just a few hours hurts me so very deeply. It makes no sense. Plus the fact that I know she's not doing well at all currently.. perhaps I just feel helpless. Sam snaps his fingers in front of my face, causing me to leave my inner world and come back to reality.
"You sure we shouldn't go and talk to her? I can tell you're feeling anxious.", he asks me calmly. I shake my head. "I don't know. I don't know what to do. I'm terrified of moving too fast, or too slow. I don't want to do the wrong thing and make her leave me. God, Sam... just the thought alone is painful."
Sam pushes me towards a bench and tells me to sit down, then he places his hand on my shoulder. "I can live without people quite well. You know that, right? I've never once begged for someone to stay in my life, because in the end I never needed anyone. So why is the thought of letting her go alone causing me so much panic?", I explain to him.
"You've always been saying this. You consider yourself the loner, but I've known you for... 14 years? And you've been clinging onto me since then. Maybe not in that way, but you rely on others even though you think you don't. You're terrified to acknowledge your need for others because you're scared they'll leave or betray you... like.. well.. a few of your closest relationships have."
"But she's given me not a single reason to feel betrayed so why am I so terrified?", I ask him confused. "For that exact reason. Did I ever do anything to betray you? No. Has Abigail? Has Demetrius? Who would you be scared to lose the most out of everyone?"
Sure his explanation makes sense. I'm scared to lose her, and my mind is reminding me of all the different times I've been betrayed and abandoned to prepare me for another possible situation. But I don't feel so anxious about possibly losing Sam, or even my mom, so why her?
"I just want to be able to hold her again and comfort her. To make her feel as safe as she always makes me feel.", I mumble to myself. Sam jumps up and grins at me.
"And you will be able to, very soon. I'll make sure of that."