Chapter 17
Spiritual Feelings
Mary’s POV
I have no control of myself. I realized that after I hit Kate in a desperate way of waking her up from the trance she was in. I wasn’t thinking and I wasn’t careful. Now I made everyone angry, including my mate who seems to worship the ground Kate is walking on. I worship the ground Kate walks on too. I can’t believe I hurt her. I hurt everyone by doing that.
Jupiter grabs my hand after walking in silence through the forest for about twenty minutes. I strengthen myself up to face his anger but is met by a very loving smile instead. He touches my cheek gently and I blush deeply at the tingling sensation that spreads from his finger into my body.
“I know I’ve been angry,” he says softly. “Kate’s been through a lot. I had to watch her go through it for so many years and that hurt so much. It hurt her, it hurt me and it hurt you. I’ve been angry for so many years. I couldn’t show her because she needed me to be happy. It finally feels like I can let go now that she’s home and have so many to lean on. I think you if anyone should allow me to show my right feelings. You will be my strength from now on Mary Heart.”
I’m so surprised that I can’t speak. What did he just say? He looks so serious where he is fighting against his want to be closer to me.
“What?” I say puzzled. “You’re a Spirit.”
“That’s what Kate had to see me as to survive,” he whispers. “I want you to see me as a man. I need you to see me like one. Kate will find comfort in Adam who can be her sweet guardian from now on. I just want to be me and I hope that you will give me a chance?”
My head starts spinning. Can I see him as a man and as my mate? My heart screams yes while my mind says no. I’ve been angry with the Spirits for too long. I can’t just let my heart decide for myself that easily. I must get used to him. I must get to know him first. Oh wait, that’s what he’s asking for, just a chance to be himself.
I give him a weak smile. “I want to. I’ve gotten so uncontrollably violent since you showed up though. It scares me.”
“I know,” he says with a blush. “I know why.”
I raise an eye brow at him. “You do? I’m confused. I usually have so much control over myself. It is embarrassing. My parent’s thinks highly of me and are probably disappointed in me.”
My heart pains and I moan loudly. It always hurts a bit more when I’m worried. I expect him to tell me why. He’s cute when he blushes. His skin is as white as snow and doesn’t get red. I can still see the blush on his cheeks and it makes my knees all weak. I should probably be embarrassed to think about it when he can read my mind, but I don’t care. He’s my mate, not some random guy I want to impress.
“It’s only natural,” Jupiter assures me. “Everyone reacts differently when they meet their mates. I’m afraid you will be like this until we…”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I yell loudly. “I will not have sex with you in a forest.”
I stomp down my foot and glare at him like he’s going to take advantage of me. He looks shocked over my statement. I wonder why. Wasn’t that was he was about to say?
“Are you out of your mind?” he answers me insulted. “Why would I want that? We’re not anywhere ready to take that step yet.”
“If ever,” I cut him off. “Why do I get the embarrassing mate effect? How does it even affect you?”
He shakes his head and chuckles. It’s enough to break the weird tension between us. I wonder if he’s laughing at me, or with me or something else.
“I’m glad that I can read you,” he finally tells me. “Otherwise I’m sure I would be too scared to even talk with you. I can’t see that you like me. You keep pushing me away like you don’t want me.”
“I want you,” I assure him quickly. “We just met. So will you forgive me for hurting Kate?”
He nods sadly. “It’s not for me to forgive. It’s really between you and Kate and she doesn’t blame you. She’s just worried that everyone is mad at you. She loves you so much.”
“And I love her,” I say with a thick voice. I’m touched by the fact that Kate cares for me so much.
“Kate is a shattered soul,” he explains further. “She will heal during time, but never fully recover to who she once was. Her mind will always be trapped at the Island. She will never forget and move on from that.”
I feel tears stinging in my eyes. I will never get over the fact that my sister was stolen from me either. I’m not sure I ever will be able to find peace with the Wolf Spirits again even if I do try my best. The doubts will always be there. I’ll die halfway through the struggle anyway.
“So will you tell me what you meant to say earlier when I so rudely insulted you for wanting to jump me?”
I think he knows how hard it is for me to admit I did something wrong. My Ninjan pride prevents me from stepping down from the superior thinking. It’s just that I’m not superior at all facing a Spirit. I’m far from it actually.
I watch his serene face while my heart is melting under his stare. I am starting to feel hot and suddenly I don’t mind if he actually decides to take me here and now. The thought makes me excited and I barely recognize myself for thinking like this.
“We must connect on a spiritual level before we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Only then will you feel confident in being my mate and become calmer. We don’t have to touch or even kiss to reach that state. This is what mates like Tom and Leanne are feeling. You will not feel rushed to make any progress between us.”
“Thank you,” I moan relieved over what he just said. “How do we get to that point?”
“I need you to trust me. Can you do that?”
I’m not a fan of his idea and I take a step back. I will not trust myself with anyone else. I want to be in control. It’s not that I want to distrust him; he just didn’t earn my trust yet. He holds out his hand with a small smile and I wonder if I should take it. I don’t want to submit to him.
“We are equals,” he tells me shaking his head. “Did I not ask you to see me as a man?”
“That’s quite hard,” I tell him quietly while I’m fighting against my own feelings.
The lovesick part of me wants to jump right into his arms and kiss him senseless. He did make the pain in my heart go away. Who else is able to do that? The Spirits matched me with the best suited mate. I am just not ready to let go and give my heart to someone else. I don’t want to be vulnerable.
“Love makes you stronger, you know?” he says slowly and takes a step back. “If you’re not interested, then I’ll head back to Kate.”
Oh, his words stings and I shake my head furiously. I hate that I’m not his number one. I thought that was the whole point of having a mate. I’m happy that Kate has a Spirit guarding her, but why must it be my mate?
“I don’t want you to go,” I beg him shamefully. “How can I learn to trust you if you want to run back to Kate every second I’m trying to figure out my feelings.”
“I know your feelings before you know them yourself,” he says kindly, not trying to be cocky. “I think you just need time to get used to the idea of me.”
“Fine, just go then,” I growl hurt by his rejection.
I turn and stalk away through the forest while my heart is bleeding. Every beat stabs through my body and I really hate these mating hormones! I used to like being alone with my bitterness. That was before I felt Jupiter’s healing hands on my skin. I don’t want to be lonely anymore because of him.
It takes a while before I notice the white wolf following me from a distance. These Wolf Spirits are tricky! No one else would have been able to hide from me this long, not even Princess. I took my studies seriously. I never want to become the weak victim again. The man who kidnapped my sister broke my trust for others completely, making me only trust myself. I never gave my family a reason to find out the truth of my feelings. They would be heartbroken if they found out that I can’t even trust them.
I turn to Jupiter’s direction and put my arms in a cross over my chest.
“I thought you were going back to Kate?” I call out to him, but he stands put where he is and doesn’t show any kind of sign to want to come closer. He is by far the most beautiful wolf I ever seen.
His silence makes me annoyed and I start walking through the forest to reach him. He runs off and anger rises inside of me. What is he doing now? I start running after him and I soon shift into my own wolf to follow him easier.
It was a while since I shifted and I forgot how nice it feels to run on four legs. Usually Ninjans are stronger in human form, but usually they don’t have a weak heart like I do. I can push myself harder without putting too much pressure on my heart like this. A wolf is made to run. A wolf will always run faster than two pair of legs.
I fly through the air, but Jupiter is ahead of me. I keep chasing him deeper through the forest and it’s kind of exciting. I wonder what he wants to show me. We run for a long time along the Ninjan territory border and I scout after unwelcomed guests. Not that I notice any of them. The world is too scared to cross into our land without invitation.
He stops by a stream and makes himself comfortable on the ground. I’m feeling tired after the run, but it’s a good tiredness. I usually run like this with Tom, but under more controlled forms. I haven’t felt this free and wild in a long time. I finally realize that I feel safe with Jupiter; my unconsciousness knows that I can trust this Spirit with my life. He would never lead me into danger. Normally I wouldn’t trust a spirit, but this is my mate. He won’t lead me into anything without telling me first. He won’t let any Spirit use me as a tool for the higher purpose.
I snuggle closely to him on the ground and close my eyes. I just want a few minutes of rest. I feel safe with him and I soon fall into a nice slumber.
-
I wake up and notice Jupiter standing shirtless in the stream. He’s catching fish with his bare hands and throws them back into the river. A salmon is burning over an open fire and it smells delicious. I’m awfully hungry and the sun is almost about to set.
I can’t tear my eyes of my mate’s amazing body. It’s not muscular like the Ninjan boys. He’s thin and fragile. He looks like an artist. My heart jumps a beat and it’s a painful pleasure. He lifts his gaze and I stop breathing when it meets mine. I quickly lean down to drink from the stream and it soothes my dry throat.
Jupiter walks out of the stream and his white pants are pulled up to his knees. I don’t know what fabric they are made of, but they look far from wet. His skin however is covered in sparkling water drips and I feel a huge need to lick them off his body.
“You can if you want to,” he teases me and I take it as a challenge.
I walk up to him and stick my tongue out. I let it slide over his skin and I moan at the fresh taste. He quickly pushes me away, surprised that I actually did it. I give him a smirk and place my right hand on his neck as I lean in to kiss him.
His lips are cold after standing in the water and a nice buzzing feelings wakes inside of me as I end the innocent kiss.
“Thank you for dinner,” I say and take a step back. “I’m really hungry.”
He breaks out in a huge smile and I can see the happiness in his eyes. He’s thrilled that I’m giving him a chance. I promised I would, but it will be on my terms. He pulls on his shirt to my disappointment and prepares the meal for us.
We eat with our fingers and the fish tastes amazing. He must have spiced it with what he could find in this forest. Ninjan herbs are amazing and I love the taste of our food. I wonder if the Ninjan Spirits told him what to do.
“I want to show you my world, Mary,” he says out of the blue. “Will you let me?”
“Okay,” I agree since I let my shields down around him. He makes me so calm. I guess he’s using his Spirit powers to do that.
I wash my hands in the stream while Jupiter cleans up the traces of the dinner. He holds out his hands to me when he’s ready and I don’t hesitate to take it this time. He brings me to his chest and turns me around so he’s embracing me with my back to him.
“Keep your eyes open and trust me,” he says and I nod, curious what he’s up to.
Suddenly my feet aren’t touching the ground anymore and we are flying through the air. I look down and see the forest far below us. Instead of my own body I see a slight hint of colours. This can’t be happening! Spirits are portrayed as colours, but I didn’t know that they could do that to you too.
I look out over my territory and am amazed over the view. This is not the same as looking out from the helicopter. I have the eyes of a spirit now and the world is sparkling with colours. I can see the wildlife clearly and it is breath taking. I can also see every person in my pack and I am speechless when I am given a chance to see what every Spirit can see.
Their lives, wishes and doings come to me when I look at them and no secrets are hidden. My head is spinning from looking into their souls and it is fantastic how much information a Spirit can take in at a time.
I can even read Kate who is usually blocked to me. I can see every piece of her soul and I feel like crying when I finally understand what she went through on that Island. I can see how Adam is a haven to her and her thankfulness for being with our family again. I also sense her worry for me and exactly how brilliant she is with herbs. Then there’s the part that shocks me into happiness. She is carrying a baby.
Jupiter brings me down to the ground and I am thankful for becoming a human again. The small ride in the air was very… Anyone in my pack would gladly have done anything to have experienced it. I just wonder why he picked me to do what no other wolf ever has been through. I know now that Kate hasn’t even seen a fracture of the real Spirit world.
“You’re my mate,” Jupiter says caringly. “I want to share my world with you. I want you to understand what it is.”
“I understand now,” I answer him shakily. “I’m thankful that you shoved me.”
“I know you are,” he says and hugs me closely. “What you saw up there is what I see all the time. You can still surprise me though. We can’t see into the future so it’s hard to know how you will react on some things.”
“Impulsiveness,” I answer him. “Can we head back? It’s getting dark.”
“Of course,” he agrees and takes my hand into his.
I like it. I love the attention he’s giving me. I most of all love the fact that I have a mate who will understand my reasoning at all times, even if it might make him angry. I crossed the line with Kate earlier today. I hope it won’t happen again.
Jupiter put us down close to the village so it only takes a few minutes to reach my home. He lets go of my hand and shakes his head.
“I shouldn’t show myself too often,” he says. “I’m still a Spirit to the others. I’ll be around.”
I nod and step into the house. It is not a good idea to let the whole pack find out that I mated a Spirit. It’s my family’s secret. No, it is mine and Jupiter’s secret. No one will tell anyone since it’s not their business to let people know. I don’t think Kate wants anyone to know either.
Everyone in the house sounds cheerful, just like I remember from up the sky. Kate looks relieved when she sees me and waves me over. I give her a hug. She’s sitting on the couch with Princess while the others are in the kitchen making dinner.
“I’m sorry,” I apologize.
“I know,” she answers me with a nod. “Don’t worry about it.”
She grabs my hand and everyone turns quiet and is looking excitingly at Kate.
“Congratulations,” Kate says nervously. “You are going to be an aunt.”
“Really?” I break out in a genuine smile though I already found out. “That’s quite amazing.”
“I didn’t expect my little sister to become pregnant before me,” Princess laughs. “I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see it to be honest. I had my hopes up, but it’s been so many years.”
“Too many years,” I agree. “No one deserves this more than you do,” I tell Kate and am rewarded with an awkward smile from her. “Adam waited a long time to find you too. He must be so excited.”
“Adam is the best,” she simply says and I leave them to congratulate the father to be.
“There you are!” Mother says relieved when she sees me. “Did you have your tea today?”
“I took a cup this morning,” I inform her and turn my attention towards Adam who is shining with happiness. “Congratulations on the baby. He’s going to look just like you when he grows up.”
“Thanks, Mary,” he says and gives me a bear hug. “It won’t be easy though. We need to help Kate with a diet she can follow.”
“Fish is definitely excluded from that list,” Mother declares. “She likes soup and cookies, so that’s good.”
“Honey, did you and Jupiter settle things down?” Father asks worriedly when the others fall back into preparing the soup they are making.
“We did,” I tell him and he hugs me closely. “He wasn’t mad at me out there. He’s just worried for Kate. I think he needed a break from looking after her. She’s like a little sister to him.”
“What is he to you?” he wants to know and I can feel Mother looking at us and I blush at my parents want to know.
“You two!” I hear Princess’ voice booms through the house. “Leave Mary alone!”
“We are just getting to know each other in a very innocent way,” I ensure my parents.
“I am kind of jealous,” Leanne suddenly says. “I can’t wait to have a baby too!”
Tom’s ears gets all red and everyone laughs at him. Princess joins the kitchen and slaps his back roughly.
“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about little brother!” she rolls her eyes. “Kate is your age and I think it’s about time that you and Leanne settle down.”
I quickly make it back to my room while no one notices me. I like the privacy and close my eyes once I made myself comfortable under the blankets. They will call for me when dinner is ready. I just didn’t expect to feel so overwhelmed by my own family. I saw into their lives and greatest wishes today.
I didn’t know that my cousin Gabriel lost his mate. He’s so happy with his wife and children. I would never have guessed the truth. I should pay them a visit tomorrow. I always found them so annoyingly in love and with all those children!
Princess always teases Vincent for rejecting her, but I never understood how much it hurt her. My sister is far from insecure, but he made her feel like that. In the end I’m happy it worked out for them. It must have been hard to be away from home and deal with a dumb mate.
What shocked me the most was how Gretel was back then. I also heard rumours about her being a real spoiled housewife, but it is hard to see her as anything but the badass woman she is today. I’m glad she changed. I like Gretel and I don’t think I would have if I knew her like that.
What affected me the most was that I could see how everyone in my Pack looked at me. Not with pity, but with concern for me avoiding everyone while still making effort to keep everyone’s garden in perfect condition. They are thankful for my input in the pack.
I miss Jupiter already. It’s nice to have someone to argue with. I love my best friend Leanne, but I can’t drag her from Tom when they are doing family stuff together. I think Kate needs some alone time too in the living room.
Suddenly Jupiter shows up, sitting in my bed next to me. He looks down on me with those amazing eyes. He’s all white, but I wonder what eye colour he really has as I can’t tell. He’s blinding me.
“They are grey,” he chuckles and plays with a strand of my blonde hair. “I used to be like you once. That was a very long time ago. I never found my mate until I found you. The way I died was so silly. I drowned on Rosalea. A Wolf Spirit felt sorry for me and let me take her place. Thanks to her I finally met my mate.”
“That’s quite beautiful,” I sob touched by the story. “Forgive me for being so difficult. All I want is to be loved. I’m just scared. My heart literally stopped when you said in front of my whole family that you love me.”
“I know,” he smiles. “I am certain of my feelings. I have nothing to hide. It’s just better for spirits to keep their distance.”
I pull him down so I can hug him. It feels nice and my hart feels lighter as every time he touches me. It’s hard to accept that I will die in a soon future when I just found my mate. I won’t have children with him. I will never be happy like Kate and Adam are. I tell myself I should feel sad about it, but I guess I’m not the motherly figure.
“We can be happy together,” Jupiter says. “Just you and me and no one else.”
I laugh at his idea. “Will Kate even allow you to spend a few days alone with me?”
“I’m sure Kate won’t mind to spend a few days alone with Adam,” he answers and I’m pretty sure he’s right.
I close my eyes and enjoy the sound of his melodic voice as he starts singing for me. I’m not tired. I don’t want to rest. I want to lie here with my mate and just enjoy myself. I want to relax and just get used to him.
He’s like oil to my senses but still so much more.
Who would have thought that I would actually fall for a Wolf Spirit? I hated them so much. After Jupiter took me on that flight… I’m just filled with awe and respect. It’s a step into the right direction at least.
I look up at Jupiter and notice that he’s looking over at my desk. I’m surprised to see Kate sitting there. I didn’t even hear her enter the room. She looks happy. Jupiter’s singing seems to soothe her just as much as it soothes me. She wears a dreamy expression and I wonder where her mind is. It is probably at the peaceful fields of Rosalea.
What I saw in the Spirit world of Rosalea made me understand more why Kate is the way she is. It makes me feel better that I can understand her now. I hope I can be a haven for her like Adam and Jupiter is.
Where am I supposed to pick up our sisterly bond? We were the closest when we were parted. What are we now?
“Everything will be alright, Mary,” Kate suddenly says. “Jupiter and I will take care of you and you’ll never be alone. That’s why we came back.”
“Did you come back for me?” I ask confused. “I thought you escaped back.”
“We had a reason to work for. I didn’t know what it was. Jupiter here knew and he refused to let me give up. We came for you.”
“Don’t push us away, Mary,” Jupiter begs. “We love you so much.”
The words are warming my heart. I always shut myself off to the world. They think I’m ready to open that part up again. I’m afraid. There’s no way out. They can help me for a little while, but the truth is that I’ll die eventually.
“Die without regrets,” Jupiter urges me. “Die knowing you didn’t hold back.”
“With Kate home again,” I start. “I’m pretty sure I won’t regret anything. My biggest wish already came true. I got her back.”
“We got each other back,” Kate says and gets off the chair. “Dinner is ready. It’s not as good as the fish Jupiter made for you though.”
“Doesn’t matter, I’m always hungry,” I tell her and walk ahead to the kitchen.
It’s still surreal to have my sister back. I’d rather have this struggle to get used to having her in my life again than not having her here. Kate is fantastic. I hope she herself understands how much. I'll never hurt her again. Not in any way.