"I don't want to make a connection."
My breath hitched, heartbeat so frantic I could hear it in my ears- feel it in my chest, the small lump growing in the back of my throat as the familiar sting makes itself known in my eyes.
These words tumbling out of his mouth did not feel like mere words but arrows piercing my heart. Yoongi was literally telling me that he did not want me- wanted nothing to do with me.
Is this what the guys felt every time I said I didn't want them? If so- I feel so guilty for making them go through this feeling. It was the worst. It felt like my heart is in an iron-clad grip, slowly but surely crumbling.
This-Yoongi rejecting me- is karma, I decide. I've always believed in it, then how could I forget it when I was hurting the boys that it would come to bite me in the ass. How could I lose sight of one of the most paramount teachings of my life that what you give out to the world; comes back at you?
However, Yoongi speaks again before I go tumbling down the dark side of my mind, probably seeing the distress on my face.
"Not yet."
When my eyes snap back at him, he averts his eyes back to his fingers that have now come to rest on his thighs, playing with each other.
"What?" I whisper, confused by his statement.
Not yet? Not yet what? Make the connection?
My eyes widen as my mind finally clicks.
He doesn't want to make a connection yet, but he does want to make it? He's- He's not rejecting me? Not disgusted with the thought of sharing me?
"I'm having this talk with you because I don't want to make the connection by accident, or in the heat of the moment, or because of anger. I want us to go at our own pace." He doesn't notice- because he is still actively trying to avoid any eye contact with me- but his words are enough to make a blooming smile etch to my lips. He continues as his hands come to scratch his ear, "I don't want us to feel obligated in a relationship just because the universe has quite literally ordered us to; I want us to try and see where this goes. You and me, but only if you agree. I don't want to do anything that would make you uncomfortable-"
"-Hey! Hey! It's alright." I cut him off from his rambling. His mere words were enough to set my heart on fire- beating so fast I fear it could jump out of my chest. My hands twitch at my side with the urge to go up to him and cup his cheeks to soothe him.
However, while trying to reign in my heartbeat, I settle on soothing him by words- just as he did- "You're not making me uncomfortable, Yoongi. You're right. All of the connections I've made were never by choice- always some reason behind it. And I agree with you to take this slow- at our pace. We don't need to touch and connect. I'm content by just knowing that you aren't running the other way after knowing or rejecting me-"
The sentence dies on my tongue when his head snaps to look at me, eyes wide, making me confused at his reaction.
"What?" He questions softly.
"What?" I parrot back, still not able to understand the reason behind his reaction.
"Why would you think I'll reject you?" He stands up, scowling, coming around the counter and leaning on it with his arms crossed- almost as if he was offended by the thought.
"Um...well, first off, you knew and still kept your distance- not just physically. You disappeared for days, and don't get me started on when you were here. Secondly, Yoongi..." I sigh out his name, too nervous to meet his eyes- (Oh! how the tables turn!)- I continue, "You know this bond is not an obligation until the connection is made, so considering that you still have a choice, I would like to think you're choosing not to reject me."
"Selene..." He whispers softly, urging me to look at him, and when I do, the sincerity in his eyes when he speaks hits me like a truck.
"I will never not choose you. You might think it's just because you're my soulmate, and well, partially yes, because if you weren't, we might never have met, but you are a huge part of the reason why. Do you think I was avoiding you because I didn't like you? Because I thought you weren't worthy of my presence? Because I didn't like you? If you think any of those things then please get them out of your head because not a single one of them is true. I was merely giving you space to settle with your connections first. I wanted to be by your side, but I also didn't want to swamp you. I knew you weren't in the right mind to take that all. I'm sorry if that hurts you, though."
"I...Thank you." I sigh out. I didn't know I needed to hear these words until he said them. I've always struggled with being vulnerable and talking about my feelings- only letting them out in small jabs or jokes, but the fact that he picked it up when no one ever has is kinda uncomfortable. I wonder if I could ever let anything past his eyes.
"You don't have to thank me." He says, and for a moment, we both stand there in each other's presence in silence while he looks at my shoulder until he breaks it.
"I just have one question, though."
"Yeah?"
"Are you, you know, really over your ex, or do you need more time?"
As soon as his words register in my mind, my body freezes, and when he catches up on that- because of course- he quickly rushes to explain.
"I've seen you with the boys, and it's great, really. However, I want you to know that you don't have to force yourself into this just for them, okay? If you need more time, we'll give you however long you need- it doesn't matter. We don't ever want to force you, Selene. And by any chance, if you feel like it, please don't be hesitant to tell us."
I release that breath that I didn't know I was holding. I don't ever want any of the boys to doubt my commitment to them. With Yoongi asking me if I'm over Eric, it feels like a bucket of cold water pouring over me. Am I really over him? I promised my mother to give them a chance, and they utilized that chance so well that I had nearly forgotten about my ex. I didn't know when they started to occupy my thoughts that much- when I started to care- when their problems became mine-their pain became mine-their life became mine. I didn't notice when they started to mean so much to me.
And in the process- forgot about my ex.
I thought Eric was my everything. But I was so blinded by my love that I couldn't see the way he had so smoothly made me revolve all my life around him. I would go where he went- eat what he chose- listen to what he did- like what he liked, and also gave up on things that really used to make me happy, like nature.
But experiencing a relationship with these people- these wonderful wonderful men- I finally understand that not everything is about each other and what they like. You can be in a relationship and have space to grow both individually as well as- a couple.
Looking back, I can say he wasn't even my best friend- the bond we had in our childhood had gotten lost somewhere along the way of pretending to be soulmates.
Just mere minutes ago, Yoongi had picked up on what was hurting me without me outright saying it- Eric could never.
I had given up so much in my relationship with him and got back not nearly enough. Even got dropped the minute he didn't need me.
So yeah, the answer to his question would be yes. I am very much over my ex.
But the fact he isn't asking it because he's jealous but because he's being considerate towards my feelings is...very him-like.
With a soft smile, I say, "No. I don't need any time. He was not for me, and I accepted that fact the day I decided to give this a try. I wasn't coming eyes closed into this, and none of the boys have pushed me past the boundaries. I like spending time with them, and if you'd allow, I'd love to spend time with you."
He flashes me his infamous gummy smile, "Already planning dates, I see." he teases while scratching his nose.
"How can I not? Didn't you know? Cats are my favorite. I'm not going to waste even a second of time not being with one." Winking, I turn around my heels after watching him bashfully start whining and make my way back to Koo's arms.
Chuckling at his antics, I peek over my shoulder and say, "Get ready, Mr. Min. I'm finding you first thing in the morning. I love playing with cats."
Continuing my stride with the biggest smile adorning my face, I listen to him whining over, "Oh man! You too? Weren't the members and Army enough?"
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Hi guys!
I hope you're all well and good.
My exams are coming so I'm going to take a hiatus till June.
I'm not abandoning the story, this book will definitely be resumed. I just need some time for the exams. They're starting 4 may and I don't know a thing!!
I hope you're not dissappointed. This month will pass by soon. We'll meet before comeback my loves.
Wish me luck!
Borahae!💜