Rose:
Maddox left after I fell asleep last night like he usually does and when I woke up I still felt as confused as ever. I don't know what's wrong with me.
No, that's a lie. I know exactly what's wrong with me. I just don't know how to deal with it. The self hatred Maddox had successfully managed to rid me of with his affection and care is back, stronger than ever this time.
He's still showering me with everything I've ever wanted and more, and I'm still digging myself deeper into this endless pit of one sided love.
I don't know how to claw my way out or deal with this at all. All I've ever known was how to be open and honest. How to own my feelings and take the risk they encourage me to. But my love for Jaxon has taught me that as good of a trait that is, as catastrophic it can also be.
And this time, with Maddox at stake, I can never take that risk. So I'm left feeling confused as I can ever get, because I don't know what else to do. I want to push him away a little bit so I can slowly prepare myself to fall out of love with him, but at the same time I need him closer to me than ever. I need my bestfriend, my biggest supporter, with me through this. But I seem to be no longer able to differentiate between Maddox as a friend and as the man I love with every piece of my useless heart.
I have to do a better job at putting some distance between us now, I know I do, but as he knocks on my door like he does every morning to walk me to class, I find my heart jumping out of my chest, racing my legs to reach the door.
Only it's not Maddox standing there. It's a person I never thought I'd see again.
"Hey, Ella." Cassandra looks as beautiful as she has always been with her blond hair and beautiful elegant features. She has a soft smile on her face, but what truly has me trembling inside is the guilt and regret I see in her eyes.
"W-what are y-you doing h-here?" I don't even care that I'm stuttering like an idiot. I don't care that my eyes become blurry with unshed tears. I don't care about anything at all as I stare at the face of the person who abandoned me at the time I needed her the most.
Shock is obvious on her face before she swallows and clears her throat. "I transferred back here. Today is my first day and I wanted to see you."
I remain silent because I don't have anything to say to Cassandra anymore. A few seconds later she breaks the silence with another soft smile, one that I have grown used to over the years. "You look good, Ella."
She's lying. I know she's lying because the last time Cass saw me was a few days after Jaxon left, when she decided that her guilt was stronger than her will to stay with me. Last time I saw her, she said she couldn't handle the guilt of watching her best friend crumble into ash, because she was the one who believed in my relationship with Jaxon and encouraged it as much as I did. Cassandra decided that she needed to be away because she was too sorry, too guilty. She didn't care what I needed, only what she did. And I can never forgive her for that.
I was bawling my eyes out, throwing my guts up, depressed as all hell, when she decided to walk out of my life too. Yet I still looked better than I do now. Because I've lost whatever fight was left in me that day.
"W-what do you w-want, Cassandra?" I ask, wrapping my arms around my middle protectively.
"Can we talk inside?" She asks and I want to shout no but I step aside and let her walk in instead. Because a part of me wants to hear what she thinks she has to say.
"Your room is way better than mine." She says and I frown at the poor attempt at small talk, not the least bit interested to know why she decided to stay in the dorms after so long. She notices my lack of reaction and clears her throat again. "I missed you, Ella."
I raise my eyebrows at that. Funny, how she didn't think of that possibility when she walked out of the door almost a year and a half ago. "Is that w-why you're here? To t-tell me you miss-missed me?"
She looks like she wants to comment at my stutter but decides against it before she scans my figure. Her eyes finally meet mine again, and I see a glimpse of the best friend I had lost as regret fills her eyes with water. "I know that apologizing to you seems patehtic after all this time. But I want you to know that I truly am sorry, Ella. I should've never left, and I regret nothing more in my life. But please understand that seeing you break like that was too much fo--"
"No." I interrupt her rant, my eyes shinning with a fire that I've almost forgotten over the long days of lonliness and self loathing.
"What?" She gulps, her eyes wide.
I take a deep breath and try my hardest not to stutter. "You saw nothing, Cassandra. You left before the real show even st-started. So you don't get to come back now and tell me that it was too m-much for you. You don't get to ask me to understand. I won't."
"Ella," she takes a step closer and I automatically take one back to keep the distance between us wide enough for my comfort. "I know I was wrong. I was selfish and stupid, but I swear to you I thought it was for the best. I thought in order for you to move on, you'll have to forget Jaxon, and how could you do that with his sister being a constant reminder of him every time you see her?"
I don't even blink at her words because in all honesty they sound too stupid, too shallow. "It doesn't take o-one person to remember another. The p-pain inside my chest reminded me of him w-well enough. And you were my best friend b-before I ever fell for him. You were never Jaxon's sister to me."
The tears in her eyes fall down her cheeks and I know that I should find it in me to feel bad for her. But I can't. And maybe that makes me a bad person, maybe I have been a bad person all along and that's why happiness gets slipped away from me every time I think I've finally found it. I don't know. But I do know that if the roles were reversed, I would've never even thought about abandoning Cassandra. I know that she loved me, but not enough to be there for me. I also know that she's sorry, but not enough for the sense of betrayel inside of me to thaw.
"I'm so sorry, Elle. I know you probably don't want to see me right now, but I have to try because I really miss you and I can't accept that there's no way for me to fix this. We've been friends forever, and your friendship is really impotant to me." She wipes her tears with shaky hands and gives me a pleading smile. "Just give me a chance to try to fix this."
I wonder why she hadn't thought about the importance of our friendship before she left. I wonder why she's back now. Why now, when my life is more complicated than ever, when I already feel more scared and devasted at the thought of losing Maddox than I ever was of losing Jaxon?
I don't have time to give her an answer because Maddox knocks at the door at the exact right moment.
"Are you expecting someone?" Cassandra asks with a confused frown as I walk to the door.
"Yeah." I open the door to see my Maddox standing with a chocolate cupcake and a handsome smile.
"Are you ready?" His voice is all the strength I need to go through this day.
I shake my head with a sigh and open the door for him to walk in, taking the cupcake from his stretched hand and resting it on my desk. Maddox's eyes widen when they see another person in the room and he gives Cassandra a small, polite smile. "Hello."
"Hi." Cassandra's voice is higher than usual and the tears in her eyes are long forgotten as she discreetly scans Maddox's huge form with interest. I don't blame her, Maddox has that effect on women. I've seen it before and I'll keep seeing it for as long as we're in each other's lives. Whenever we're walking together through campus, multiple woman check him out, some even attempt at making conversation but he's always so politely uninterested. He seems to have eyes for only me whenever when we're together and that's more evident now than ever when the drop dead gorgeous girl in my room stretches her hand for him to shake. "I'm Cassandra."
"Theo." He shakes her hand briefly with a frown between his brows. He's probably trying to remember where he heard that name from. Recognition crosses over his features for a second before his frown deepens, but he doesn't comment on the matter. Instead, Maddox turns to me and grabs my hand in his affectionately. "Your lecture starts in ten minutes, my angel."
I nod, my eyes silently thanking his. I smile when he gives me a wink and rubs his thumb in circles over my knuckles. My heart is beating loudly in my chest and Cassandra is almost forgotten but she clears her throught to grab our attention.
"I should leave then." She says with a small smile and walks to the door, but not before turning around and finding my eyes. "Please think about it, Ella. Please."
I'm still silent as she stares at me for a moment longer before looking down with a sigh and leaves.
Maddox places his hands on my waist and tugs me to him so we're almost chest to chest. I look up at his warm eyes as they look at me with care swimming through his irises. "Wanna talk about it, baby?"
"She thinks she can come back into my life so suddenly and I'll be okay with it. She thinks I can so easily forget the betrayel and abandoment she left me with and forgive her." I say, my hands subconsciously travelling to play with the strings of the hood of his blue sweatshirt.
"Can you?" He asks, his hands rubbing my waist gently.
"No." I breathe out and tilt my head to the side. "Does that make me a bad person?"
Maddox shakes his head, his eyes never leaving mine. "No, Angel, it doesn't. It makes you human."
I sigh deeply. "Do you think I should give her a chance?"
He tucks a strand of my hair behind my ears and stares at me for a second too long. "You let your hair down today."
I blush and look down between us but he puts a finger under my chin and meets my eyes again. "I think you should do whatever the fuck you want to do, Rose. She left you, that was her choice. Now it's yours."
"I don't think I hate her." I mumble quietly. "But I don't think I can let her back into my life either. She broke my trust. I don't feel safe with her anymore."
"Then there's your answer. Don't ever do anything that doesn't make you feel safe, Angel. Promise me." He says and I think I love him too much that it appears all over my face.
"What would I ever do without you?" The words fly out of my mouth, my hands clutching onto the soft fabric of his sweatshirt, and his eyes soften.
Maddox flashes me a brilliant smile and says, "You'll never have to figure that out, because I'm never letting you go."
My heart doesn't feel broken anymore. My heart feels light with my love for him, like its wings have finally healed and it's ready to fly away with his.
"I have a question." He says with a soft smile and I raise my eyebrows at him to continue. "Do you feel safe with me?"
"What kind of a stupid question is that?" I ask with a smile to match his and he chuckles, his arms tightening around my waist. "You already know the answer."
"Doesn't mean I don't want to hear it, baby." He says and I blush at the sweet endearment even though I've heard it a hundred times from him.
"I feel safer with you than I've felt with anyone before, Maddox, ever. I mean, look at us. I can't even shake hands with someone but I can do this all day with you. There isn't a single bone in my body that doesn't completely trust you." I speak my heart, despite promising myself to be more careful.
"All day, huh?" He grins so widely and the mischief I see in his eyes reminds me of the dark whole I'm digging myself deeper into. So with a gulp, I step back so his hands would fall back to his sides.
I give him a nervous smile and grab my cupcake. "Let's go?"
"Yeah." He nods with a chuckle, his eyes full of pride and joy, and we get going.
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Did you enioy this update?
Are you with Rose or Cassandra on this? Who do you sympathize with more?
If you were Rose, would you have forgiven Cass?