Note:
Italics - Dialogue
Bold & Italics - Song lyrics
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I didn't get to tell Risa that night.
Hindi ko nasabi because I was afraid to overdo it. What if mabigla siya masyado and she leaves? What if I confess too much all at the same time and she becomes so overwhelmed by it that instead of assuring her as I promised earlier, I scare her away? What if I say too little?
I didn't think too much about her not reciprocating my feelings kasi okay lang naman kahit hindi. It would hurt, it would make me sad, but it's okay. Maiintindihan ko naman.
But if the end of the 90 days we've had together already saddened me more than I ever thought it would, what more would living a life where she hates and avoids me because I feel that way feel like? Baka hindi ko na kayanin.
I want to tell her how I feel — I just don't know how and when.
Before parting from each other that night, the only words I got to say were 'thank you'. She smiled at me knowingly, as if she already understood all the meanings behind my gratitude.
If only you knew, Risa. If only you knew.
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"Panalo ka, Leni."
"Hindi lang ako, Ris. Panalo tayo."
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It's been 53 days since the night we snuck out and here we are, hours after my inauguration, celebrating the end of the beginning. Everyone knows that the real war only starts after today but tonight, we celebrate a long-awaited and well-deserved victory.
I'm looking at Risa from across the room talking to some of the guests. Ang ganda ganda niya. The next thing I knew, I was walking towards her like a magnet attracted to metal. I balanced two drinks in my fingers, intending to drink one and give her the other.
"Good evening, Senator Hontiveros," I greet her curtly.
"Good evening, Madame President." Her eyes twinkled as she saw me. "It feels really good to finally call you that."
"I feel the same with calling you senator again. You deserve that Risa pa."
"You deserve that seat in Malacañang too. More than anyone."
She excused herself from the people she was talking to earlier and we walked side by side, fingers brushing occasionally. If it's the champagne talking then that's good but if it's just me then malala na 'to because I'm so, so tempted to hold her hand.
Umupo kami sa isa sa mga table farther back from the stage. Just as we were about to start a conversation, the host announced, "Dapat pakantahin natin ang mga newly elected senators ng Tropang Angat!"
"I nominate re-elected Senator Risa Hontiveros," Trillanes shouted from the table in front of us.
"I second the nomination," Kiko replied from another table across the room.
"Our senators and VP have nominated Sen. Risa. Ikaw, Madame President, any nominees? Kapag wala na i-close na natin 'yan at pakantahin si Senator Risa."
I turned to Risa and saw that she was blushing. Kala mo naman hindi pa niya 'to nagagawa dati. I put my hand on her arm assuringly and said to the host, "I close the nomination."
"Our president has spoken kaya let us all welcome on stage and give a round of applause to Senator Risa Hontiveros!"
She stood up from beside me and gave a my arm a slight squeeze. Tumayo na siya sa stage and took the microphone in her hands. Isa ako sa mga pinakamalakas na pumalakpak para sa kanya. "Go, Risa!"
Ang dami daming nagcheer ng pangalan niya but I think she only heard me kasi sa'kin lang siya tumingin. Puso mo, Leni.
Once the song started, ito na naman ako. Eyes zoning out on everything but Risa, ears hearing nothing but the music and her voice.
Gaya nga ng sabi ko kanina, malala na 'to.
Am I real?
Do the words I speak before you make you feel
That the love I have for you will see no ending?
Well, if you look into my eyes, then you should know
That there is nothing here to doubt, nothing to fear
And you can lay your questions down 'cause if you'll hold me
We can fade into the night, and you'll know
Rivermaya's 214. How timely.
Under the bright lights of the stafe, she sang with her eyes closed and swayed to the sound of the music.
The world could die, and everything may lie
Still, you shan't cry
'Cause time may pass, but longer than it'll last
I'll be by your side
As those lyrics left her lips, shivers ran down my spine. Hindi lang dahil nakakarelate ako sa kanta (as it can somehow describe Risa and I's friendship), but also because she was staring right into my eyes while she sang them. Her dark eyes burning into mine a little too deeply, a little too intensely that I had to look away.
Nako, Risa. 'Wag ganyan, mahina ang kalaban.
She ended the song and was met with hoots and cheers. Umupo na ulit siya sa tabi ko and asked kung okay lang daw ba 'yung ginawa niya.
"Anong okay? You were amazing, ang ganda ng boses mo!"
"Baka binobola mo lang ako ha. Pero thank you. It's been a long time since I last sang a whole song in front of a crowd."
"Akala ko nga kakantahin mo 'yung Risa pa eh," I said teasingly. "Or kaya 'yung pangako sa'yo."
"Grabe, throwback to campaign days 'no. Pero seryoso, did I do alright?"
"You sang beautifully as you always do. Pero why 214?"
"It felt right to sing it saka it reminds me of our friendship. How we've managed to beat the odds once again by winning the elections, and going through all the things we've went through together."
"Hmm, that's true."
We sat in silence after that. I mentally cursed myself kasi say something, Maria Leonor. Siguro ito na 'yung chance mo. It's about time. Huminga ako nang malalim.
"Risa..." I began.
"Hmm?"
"I..."
"Hello po, Sen. Risa and President Leni. Pwede ko po ba kayong picturan? For documentary purposes of tonight's afterparty po."
Bakit naman gano'n? Ito na eh, feel na feel ko na. Kumakabog na 'yung dibdib ko, nanginginig na 'yung kamay ko tapos biglang may sisingit?
I almost said no pero nahiya na ako kasi ang bait naman ng pagkaka-approach niya. I agreed so Risa and I posted for a picture. Our heads were inclined towards each other and we were smiling our brightest.
"Leni, what were you saying kanina?" She said as soon as the photographer left.
Wala na ako sa mood. If hindi ko nasabi ngayon then maybe hindi ito 'yung time for me to say it. Instead of telling her about how I felt, I held her hand and replied, "I was about to tell you that you're my constant. Since 2016. Ang daming nagbago except for us — except for this. I wish nothing changes kahit pa mas lalong bumigat ang responsibilities natin."
"Of course nothing will change, Leni. You're my constant too."
I looked at the pink leatherband that I gave her that was still clasped on her wrist. Kahit tapos na 'yung campaign period, suot suot pa rin niya. I had to admit, it felt kind of good and heartening that she wears something that came from me.
"Risa..."
"Yes, Leni?"
"Will you still be wearing that pink leatherband tomorrow?"
"Oo naman."
That much was enough to ease my mind. The 6 years ahead of us won't be easy but I know that she's got my back no matter what and that leatherband proves it.
Those two words were enough to ease my heart too. Knowing that Risa's wearing something I gave, something that she says she won't take off anytime soon, made my heart swell and beam with pride.
I touched the pendant of my husband's ashes on my chest and looked up.
Hi, Jesse. May tanong ako. You said you've always wanted me to be happy and you've sent me that message in my dreams after your death. Isang beses sinabi mo pa sa'kin na okay lang if I fall in love with someone else. I never did. At least not until now. So I guess my question is,
Would it be okay with you if I'm in love with Risa?