therefore i am | billie eilish
❝ don't talk 'bout me like how you might know how i feel top of the world, but your world isn't real
your world's an ideal ❞
THE LIBRARY IS stacked from top to bottom with all kinds of books. I haven't had time to stop by yet and I don't think I will after this, I've always disliked studying in public spaces. I did it once though for someone but that's in the past and we're now in the present.
I had no luck finding the person I'm looking for on the first floor so I've resorted to the second which is less idle, with fewer people gawking and less commotion in between shelves not built to waistband pushed up backs and sloppy kisses of teens thirsting over to have their movie makeout moment.
I catch a glimpse of a familiar figure in one of the furthest corners and I turn to look at him through a bookshelf. Rain is seated alone reading something, his face forms into of humour as a small smile tugs at his lips and he highlights a sentence, before getting out a pen and writing something in the book.
He looks much more innocent like this - reading, and not causing trouble to society.
At first though, I wondered why he wrote and annotated so much in his books, that was until I saw a package arrive for him with a bunch of books attached already annotated. It was Luca who'd been the one to explain that it was a thing he and some girl did, back and forth during the school year.
I walk pass Rain not wanting to disrupt his alone time, I'm sure he didn't think any of us would find him here so I leave it that way.
I round where the bathrooms are, where the charging ports are, where the vending machines happen to be, and as if finally...who I'm looking for.
Dad said to not have my name written next to Valé's he never said I couldn't have it written next to Amber Zhu's.
Bingo.
Amber's sitting at a round desk by herself. She doesn't look lonely by matter but by choice. Her raven hair is tucked behind her ears as she stares down at a question in her workbook. She digs her front teeth into her bottom lip as concentration paints across her stoic features.
Amber's got her laptop on one end of the desk and two different textbooks open parallel to each other - which she glances at briefly before writing in her notebook. I watch as people glance over at her for a quick second but no one bothers her - no one dares to disrupt her.
When Saamiya Daler told me she was assigning me Amber Zhu my first and only thought was fucking great. Give Atlas Nai, Sage Nadia, Luca Valé and stick me with Amber. I'm sure she'll have no problem ripping me apart, lucky for me I don't break easily.
I stroll to her table and take a seat on the opposite side, closing her laptop from behind nonchalantly. I hear the whispers start-up in an instant, it's as if my ears are trained to pick up on whenever my name is mentioned.
Amber looks up at me, the lines in her brows dip unimpressed, she doesn't say anything though as she returns to writing in her notebook. I watch her for a little while and I've got to give credit to Amber because the way she acts as if I don't exist is quite fascinating.
"Amber?" I finally ask, breaking the long-strained silence.
She looks up at me from underneath her dark eyelashes which I assume are coated with mascara. "Yes?"
"Oh, so she speaks."
"I've always spoken, you've just never said anything for me to engage with." Her lips don't tug the way I assume they will because of her smart ass response, they keep straight - solemn.
"You've got quite the humour, don't you?" I ask, eyeing the continents of the pages of the textbook, it's open to some page talking about the human body with a very descriptive diagram. I feel myself swallowing at the sight of the image.
Amber drops her pen onto the page and I watch it roll as she leans back into her seat crossing her arms over her body. "You haven't heard? I'm the new Jim Carrey." I don't laugh and Amber doesn't expect me to. "Why are you here Delvaùx?"
"I want to show you something." Something I've just discovered. Something I think will hurt her. This isn't my way of revenge, no, I'm not this merciful but I am a piece of shit when I want to be. Unfortunately for Amber, I've had to unleash this side of myself onto her.
"And why would I want to come with you?"
"Why are we asking questions when we've got places to be?" I get up and shut her books closed, not caring for the ink bound to bleed into the pages because of the fancy gel pens she uses.
"Are you fucking serious Delvaùx?" I don't react to her anger, not when her mouth opens up in an 'o' waiting for a reaction and definitely not when she's obviously glaring at me with those eyes of hers.
I wonder how Sage fell for her, I mean Amber doesn't seem like the type of person to care for anyone but herself. But I know she cared for him - cares for him. I heard it in the way she defended him to Lo at the party. How she brought up things no one knew she knew like the swimming stats.
"Times ticking Amber and we're losing grasp of it." I collect all her books from the table and instinctively she puts her pens into her pencil case.
"See, you're doing so good already." I praise. I am a bastard for this, but I won't lose any sleep over it.
When I go to reach for her pencil case to balance it on all her books she grabs onto it the same time I do. Even though I tower over her, Amber doesn't let go as she leans in. "I'm only doing this because people are watching and I don't want to unpack all of this in front of them."
She lets go and takes a step back clearing the air up from her negative energy. "And why are they watching?"
"Because of you."
"Don't speak so low of yourself, I'm sure -"
"It wasn't a compliment." She cuts in.
"I wouldn't expect anything less from you."
"Good." Amber slips her laptop into its case and I pass her the notebook, still holding onto the textbooks that weigh a ton. I mean shit, why do these need to be so heavy?
"How long will this viewing last?" She asks as we walk away from the table. I notice what she's wearing now, without the table blocking her bottom half. Ambers got on a long sleeve black turtleneck that's cropped - or I think that's what it's called when it cuts off, and she's paired it with a skirt and monogrammed black tights.
"I don't know, but I promise you'll be back in your cosy bed plotting my death by ten." It's only seven now and if I've heard right she's located in the Diamond quarters with Sage. I still don't know how they haven't bumped into each other yet.
She doesn't reply back only nods and I take the lead as we leave the library. We enter the courtyard where people are scattered around, the banner from when the parents visited is still up.
I'm not surprised dad didn't come under the circumstances, I just wish he'd been a little clearer in letting me know what he meant because it was pretty fucking embarrassing trying to rack my brain for an excuse I haven't used - which I'd ended up needing to rely on anyway because there were none.
Elisé's sick - used. Family from overseas are visiting - used. Mom's pregnancy - eight years too late. Dad's not feeling well - used. The cars are all getting touched up - used. Grand-mère's taken a fall - three years too late to use her. Anything job related - ding, ding, ding!
I used to be upset at a lot when I was younger, especially when I knew I was going to be on showcase. But I've learnt it's not the process my dad cares about but the outcome. He doesn't care for the game, but if I've won. He doesn't care for my grades unless I top everyone else. He doesn't care for my friends unless they bring gain.
I wish I'd realised sooner, it would've made the disappointment of never seeing him in the bleachers bearable.
But it's stupid to be upset over that stuff when it was so much worse back home, boo hoo he didn't come to my game. He was fucking breaking shit at home and going ballistic on mom there.
When we finally arrive at the building where I want Amber, she follows me inside cautiously. "I think it's a good time to reiterate that I've got lawyers that can tear you apart for manslaughter Delvaúx."
I look back at her furrowing my brows. "What are you talking about?"
"I mean taking in the fact of your privilege and everything you'd probably get away with murder as manslaughter, but I've got lawyers on speed dial."
"I'm not going to kill you, Amber."
"Yeah, said every murderer ever."
I roll my eyes and turn forward again, before leading her down the hallway of the art building. I mean seriously, kill her here? What kind of fucked up Criminal Minds episode has she watched?
The glow of the art studio beams from where it's illuminating the already bright hallway and I hear Amber behind me taking in the scene. Some song is playing from the room, and it takes a second before I realise it's 'Picture To Burn.' Which signifies he hasn't left.
I stop before coming into sight of the art studio, Amber takes it as cue to stop as well because she does, and right where I want her to. She's got a view that looks inside the room.
I watch Amber as she watches Sage and Nadia in the studio. They aren't facing us so they can't see us watching them. Nadia is crouched down, working on something on a mannequin. She's swapped out her school uniform to be in a more comfortable outfit, pairing some black leggings with an oversized hoodie. Sage is seated on a stool at a desk near her moulding clay.
When I first found out about whatever it is going on between them I was a little lost, I mean - a posed friendship? But then it made sense, Sage won't go in and do some shit randomly he'll learn what matters to the person.
Sage looks down at Nadia taking his eyes off of the clay for a second, I assume he says something funny because they laugh. I turn to Amber as their happiness rings out.
"You think he looks at you like that?" I taunt. She doesn't say anything, she just stares ahead watching the scene. "Sage is nice Amber, nice - not in love with you. He won't purposefully hurt you but he'll move one."
She shoots me a look from over her shoulder, "and you think I won't?"
"I think you liked the nice, needed it." Girls like Amber Zhu are easy to read. They're isolated, attention-starved and catty because of it. Salem was the same, I think that's why we worked so well together in our prime. Salem never dug her nails into my business and I reciprocated.
"The only thing I need is myself."
"How's that going for you?" It's a good characteristic to have, but it won't get her anywhere. You need people to love, to rely on, you simply can't just live to please yourself. What a waste of a life that could've been fulfilled.
"I could ask you the same question Delvaùx, you're just like me."
"I have friends Amber, I have people that love me, I have all I need." I'm nothing like her.
She laughs under her breath walking away from the window. "You're a liar, you say you have all these things but you resort to yourself." I follow her as she continues to walk. "Even when I was with Sage -" I make a sound at the back of my throat rejecting the statement. "...With him or whatever, the one thing I noticed was that everyone went to you for their problems but you confined in yourself."
"If you had people that love you or that you love them or whatever the fuck it is you claim to say, why don't you ever go to them?" When did this turn into a psychoanalysis of my life? I came here to show Amber Sage has moved on. To make her squirm at the fact it was with one of her friends.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
She shakes her head, continuing down the hall from where we entered from. "You want to get under my skin Delvaùx? You'll have to work for it. And don't tell me working is a foreign concept to you, you work the most out of us all. You train seven days a week, you're apparently the smartest person in our grade, you've got the entire school wrapped around your finger and you still thought this would get under my skin?" Yes I did and I know it is, I just hadn't anticipated Amber would be able to hide it this well.
"You stalk me, Amber?"
"No, I just know what my enemies look like."
I can't help but grin at that, enemy? I mean I wouldn't exactly say we're enemies but I don't mind the title. "So I'm your enemy?"
"Anyone against any of my friends is my enemy."
"I'm not agaisnt you or your friends." I shrug innocently.
"You are, why else would you show me this? Does Luca know about what's going on in there? Does he know Sage and Nadia are fucking around?" See, there it is, the jealousy.
"Is that what they're doing? Fucking around? Could you imagine that? I mean, Sage is nice and Nadia - she's sweet. I bet she didn't even want to hurt Luca." Lie, she did that's why she did it. No one does anything without intention. "I bet she'll apologise to him and he'll forgive her, and so will Sage. She's really nice, I mean the type of girl you bring home to your parents you know. What are you, Amber? A stone-cold bitch?"
Amber looks at me like she wants me dead. "I don't know exactly what youre trying to do Caleb, but there's no way you would do this to Valé - wait, why aren't you doing this to her? Still in love with her?"
"Don't talk about her."
"I talk to her. That's more than you, you understand that right? You want to call me a stone-cold bitch?" She smiles, but it's not a nice one. "Guess what Caleb?" Amber whispers, using my name for the first time in our entire encounter. "This stone-cold bitch knows where Valé is and what she does twenty-four-seven, this stone-cold bitch talks to her whenever she wants. What do you do?"
Amber turns on her heel and looks outside the clear door, I meet where her eyes fall onto...her. "Look at her Delvaùx. She's beautiful isn't she?" Valé's seated at one of the tables with Nayelie, Thomas Vice and Aristotle. "Someone's going to get her and it won't be you. It'll probably be Christopher, he kind of resembles you don't you think?"
"What, we're both white?" I ask looking down at Amber but she doesn't meet my wandering gaze.
"No, you both want her."
I want revenge, that's what I want. Not her. I can't even have her.
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a/n
the return of ambs our beloved <3
yes, i've been reading the comments and yes i miss her too! who else is supposed to put these bastard boys in their place?