"Not many people could stand Anna Brooks, I included, but I never said anything about it. I used to be reserved, quiet not involving myself with many people or letting them in; mostly because of my dad's death. I didn't want to lose someone and feel thatagony." My voice broke and I swallowed.
Be strong Cassie. You can do this.
"At the start of year seven Quinn and Corey approached me, tried to coax me out of my shell and they succeeded bringing me into their group and soon I realised I had friends. I felt comfortable with them but I never let myself become too attached, too close in case something happened and it upset me. I also didn't want to tell them about what happened to Dad.
Everything was fine, we went on as usual and then Corey came out of the closet at the end of year eight. Most people took it well and other than a few odd looks every now and again things were good. He felt good.
Then one day a few months later around this time of year in year nine - I'd only just turned fourteen - Anna decided she wanted to be even bitchier and meaner than usual and drag Corey round to a desolate area of the school. She wasn't alone, she'd got some beefy guys to beat the crap out of him because he was gay.
I'd been walking around, looking for him, and then I found them cornering him, Anna laughing on the side-lines. I was so enraged by her that I just snapped. Most people hated her but nobody said anything because they knew she'd say something twice as bad to you back or find a way to make you regret it.
But the fury controlled me and I couldn't hold the frustration in. I insulted her. I told her to go back to her crack house. I was just hoping to threaten her, knock down her composure but that was definitely the wrong thing to say.
She told me I'd regret saying that to her. And I do."
This is the hard part. This is where it all went downhill.
George pushed lightly against the dip of my back, offering reassurance and urging me to go on. He began to running his fingers through my hair - an act to soothe me - but I only felt distracted.
"Please." I begged, nudging my shoulders so he would release my hair. "I have to do this."
His electric eyes searched mine, I don't know what for. He nodded for me to continue, placing his palm gently on my back again.
"I didn't think much of it. I thought it was an empty threat but I was very, very wrong. She called me on the landline, I still don't know how she got our number, and asked me if I knew where Abi and Harry were. I said they were at afterschool clubs, Harry rugby and Abi at dance. She laughed and told me she'd last seen them half an hour ago being dragged down the street by two men wearing balaclavas.
I was immediately confused and worried. I should have realised it was a trick. I was so stupid. But I'd been so anxious about what happened to my brother and sister that I acted rashly, not thinking anything through. I should have just called them, then I would have known they were okay and that they were actually at their clubs."
Looking up at George I watched his brows come together like he was questioning what happened next. What his friend Anna did. But also an ounce of anger was circling his irises, as if he knew what was going to happen next.
"She told me where she thought they were, it was in the side of town I knew she lived in. That only increased my worries because I knew what kind of bad people she lived around.
I took the bus and went to the address to find my siblings. It was a huge house, really glitzy in the middle of nowhere and I wondered whether I'd got the address wrong because it looked too nice to be where Anna lived.
Anyway, I went to the door and knocked planning on demanding who they were and what they wanted. Just as the door opened I was pulled inside, blindfolded and then shoved down a flight of stairs. I screamed as they grabbed me but then everything blacked out and I was in a lot of pain.
Next thing I knew I was locked in a large, square room. I guessed it was underground because there were no windows, just dirty walls and floors and one single door that was bolted shut. Because I'd been pushed down the stairs so I was in agony, I'm pretty sure I had a sprained ankle, and all my belongings were taken. My phone, my wallet, my bag - gone.
Then a man came in the room and..."
I let out a harsh gasp, covering my mouth as it shook my body vigorously. I couldn't look at George, I didn't want to see him see me say this. Opting for looking down at his chest, I coughed to clear my thick throat, reaching out to clutching some of his t-shirt to steady my trembling hands. He didn't seem to mind but kept his word and only touched my back. I knew he wanted to comfort me, but I needed to do this, say this without a distraction.
"A man came in the room and he started shoving me around, touching me in places I didn't want to be touched and saying disgusting things about me that I didn't want to here. I screamed and I screamed but I knew one would hear me. He said if I continued to scream he would beat me to a pulp and that I would regret it.
He forced himself on me. He forced me to have sex with him. He said I'd like it, that I'd enjoy it and I wouldn't want to run away with the pleasure he'd give me. I was so confused and so scared that he would kill me so I stopped fighting, hoping it would mean he might let me go after he'd finished. That man took my virginity and it was agony. I cried the entire time wishing someone would find me, wishing someone would save me.
Before, when he was literally ripping off my clothes I noticed that there was someone in the far back corner. A girl. It was her.
Anna was passed out unconscious, dressed in a pathetic excuse of a dress her eyes wide open and red. Froth was spilling from her mouth and I knew she was dead. She wasn't moving, she wasn't breathing. I had no idea why she was like that, it only made me feel more helpless.
I was so frightened because if she'd died or been murdered by these men she asked to destroy me, I had no chance.
The first man was the scariest. He was the tallest, biggest and most aggressive. The second man was simply creepy with vile intentions. He made me... he made me do things to him... that I didn't want to do."
Shivers ran down my spine as I thought back.
"Then they all came in, ten, twelve of them at the same time all over me. It was horrible. They began to hit me, kick me and drag me around, throwing me across the floor. Then when they'd each had a go, one by one and the others watching over, they forced me to stand and do things to them, again.
I didn't realise at the time, I was too young, but they were training me up to me a prostitute, a stripper, a porn star or any other skanky job. The place is was in was a whorehouse. It super glamorous upstairs from all the money they were getting. They said I had potential and they were glad Anna had found me. They said they didn't realise how much of a treasure I was.
I was so confused, so frightened.
The men kept discussing about what they should do with me. Anna had instructed them to destroy me. That included rape and physical abuse. I was in a lot of pain and at one point I just couldn't take it anymore. Like with Anna, I snapped. I screamed how they were paedophiles and perverts and they should be locked away in prison. Again, that was the wrong thing to say.
It wasn't sexual anymore. The abuse was physical, really physical. So bad that I almost died.
I honestly don't remember what happened after I blacked out from the pain. I woke up in hospital, Anna on the bed next to me after being revived from a drug overdose.
I had broken ribs, a broken arm and almost all of my body reduced to a bruised purple limp form of flesh and cracked bone. I hadn't realised they pulled a knife out on me until the nurse showed me the scar on my lower stomach. As soon as she left the room I ran, I didn't care that my arm was in a cast or that my ribs were on fire I needed to get out and away from her.
My mum never knew about this. I didn't actually need to go back to the hospital because I was going to be discharged that afternoon anyway. The police never needed to find me after I ran because they had enough evidence to lock all those men away without me as a witness, so I was irrelevant to their arrest.
The first man was a pimp and God knows what else. The second a paedophile, illegally selling babies, kidnapping kids and grooming them. The others got their arrest from being rapists, gang leaders or drug dealers. Most of them got over thirty years, some others received life sentence.
I didn't tell anyone about it, the case never went out in the press. Anna knew because she ordered it to happen but she didn't really know how bad it got. I don't think she intended for them to gang rape me and then almost beat me to death." I took a moment to inhale a deep breath, lacing my fingers together and nervously intertwining and untwining them in a repetitive motion. My hands were shaking like a leaf.
"I wasn't honest with you George." I looked up at him through my eyelashes, not absorbing his reaction only letting him know I wanted him to understand what happened. "My dad's death isn't the reason I was a slut. I became a slut because, sleeping with way to many different boys than I should, made me feel in control. My system worked by my rules and I made sure I was never taken advantage of. I made myself want sex so I would never be afraid of it again.
It was hard at first, I was still only fourteen. So I got my hands on some rohypnol, used it to get through the first few goes. Then I got used to sex after a while and it became pleasurable like I'd hoped, so I stopped taking it. At the same time I'd got some weed and cigarettes and stuff, just to see if it would help take the pain away and snuff out the memories too.
It did. It made me feel numb which was exactly what I needed. Sex became a drug so I went around secretly having sex with guys and going to parties almost every week. I'd get pișșed out of my mind, binge drink and smoke one after the other like it was my oxygen.
I knew it was bad but I didn't care because I needed the pain to go away. I just... it hurt too much to breathe, that night haunted me constantly. I'd have really bad night terrors up until the point where our nanny almost dragged me to the doctors. Even our neighbours were woken up by the screaming.
At the beginning of the summer it was my dad's ten year anniversary. As I sat by his grave I realised that I was very much broken but I was destroying myself even more by acting like that. So I decided to quit smoking and cut down the alcohol I consumed. I would still have sex because as long as I was careful I couldn't get ill from it, but the drugs and toxic substances were no more.
And then..." I looked away. "Tonight it j-just all came back like one massive glacier crashing down and I just froze. I don't know what happened I just couldn't move. It was like that night all over again, I couldn't fight back. The fear had taken over, preventing me from running away. It just hurt, so much and the two pains mingled together and I just..."
My heart was racing thinking back to the event taken place only an hour ago. It was rushing through my mind again and I struggled to catch a breath. My ears popped, fuzzing up my hearing. My head felt heavy like it would fall off. I was fainting. "I can't breathe."
As soon as darkness began to take over, light drew me back as my head slotted between my knees, the blood rushing back to my head. I felt like crying again but I'd exhausted my tears for the night.
Then, once I was only half blind, my body was gently settled back on the bed and I felt light. My brain only weighing a few grams.
"Libellule, can you see how many fingers I'm holding up?"
Behind a blurry veil I did see three vague fingers in front of my eyes.
"Th... th... three." I breathed, focusing my eyes to the ceiling and wishing for one moment I could feel peace and not have those memories come back to haunt me.
His face popped into view and for the first time since I told him everything I observed his emotions. Indignation filled his eyes, his lips sealed tight to prevent growling. Anger boiled and flickered in his irises like black magma so hot it was blue, burning away the usual calm composure.
He looked at me with such a mixture of emotions I couldn't decipher them all but two were very clear.
Rage.
Horror.
"I'm so sorry." I choked, turning away in shame. "I'm sorry you had to hear that. I'm sorry."
He shook his head and gritted his teeth like he was stopping himself from saying something.
"Don't apologise." His voice was pained as his gaze flitted around nervously. "I have to go. I'll come back, but just for a few minutes I need to go."
That's it. I'd blown it.
He climbed off me, and stalked out of the room managing not to bang the door back into its frame.
That was it. He was gone. I'd told him everything and he was disgusted, repulsed and didn't want anything to do with me.
Loudly, the sobs returned, forced my shoulders to shake vigorously. I bit down on my hand to avoid waking everyone up with my noisy crying.
Sitting up I rest my head on my knees, thinking over and over about how I'd lost George now. It was understandable that he didn't want to be around me, no one should have to hear all that șhitty baggage. I would run too.
My limbs tingled, missing him holding me, but I shrugged it off. I shouldn't think like that when I knew he wasn't coming back.
He wasn't coming back.
Cassie, you idiot.
I didn't know if I felt better about saying all of that out loud because all I felt now was stupid. I shouldn't have said a word, I should have just kept all my problems to myself and dealt with them in my own way, that way I'd still be friends with George and he would still be here making me feel better just by his presence.
I gripped the covers dangerously, fisting the cotton in my palms until my knuckles turned bone white. I wanted to scream. Why had I been so stupid?
The tears rolled down my face, drowning me. I'd lost him.
Fed up of draining the blood from my hands I punched the bed once, knowing it wouldn't make a sound, and covered my ears with them instead. I flopped down on the bed on my side, curling my body up and scrunching my eyes tightly.
Darkness, come and send me to sleep? Take me away from this pain... please?
Suddenly, hands pulled away my own clamping over my ears which forced me to look at the person. I recognised the scent but refused to believe it was still him.
"What are you doing here?" I whispered, not looking at him, only down at my white pillow which was stained with tears.
"I'm just going to hold you for a while," He said, ignoring my question and lying down onto the bed next to my collapsed form and encircling my waist from behind. He nuzzled his head into the back of my neck, his breath steadily fanning over my skin in a soothing manner but I felt him shaking. I didn't sink back, only remained a frigid form knowing this would be the last time he'd embrace me like this.
I stopped crying. Why cry for something that I knew would eventually happen? I was surprised it hadn't ended sooner.
"Can I see the scar?" He asked after a little while, his voice a whisper like mine had been because everyone in the house was sleeping. The walls were thick but not that much.
I'd told him everything and I wasn't going to keep anymore secrets from him anymore even if he didn't want to hear them so I pulled up my dress and turned away not wanting to look. George sat up, ran a hand through his hair and examined the scar.
"It's only small. It was a stab wound not a slash." I whispered.
I felt him gently run his fingertip over the rough edge causing me to flinch away at the touch. His skin was so hot against my icy body it was a shock.
"Sorry." He said and immediately withdrew his hand, placing them carefully on my hips still examining the scar but with his eyes instead.
"It's okay. You can touch it if you want."
No one knew about this scar, it was just above my right hip bone, slanting downwards. Occasionally boys I slept with would comment or ask me how I got it and I would tell them I accidently cut myself with glass when I was young.
"Don't tell anyone." I said quickly.
"I would never tell, Libellule. Never, I promise you."
The tip of his finger glided over it once more, running against the stitching and back over again. I wasn't sure why he wanted to touch it, it was a scar after all, so I didn't look in fear of seeing his disgust. The pad of his thumb pressed against where the wound had been. Then I gasped as his soft pair of lips kissed the spot. I ignored the tingles of warmth.
After a few minutes, he pulled back down the skirt of my dress and fitted himself back into the space he'd held me in before.
Now for the next part that I had to confront. I knew it would end like this and I wanted me to be the person to administer it.
"I won't be offended if you don't talk to me now. It's totally okay if you don't want to be friends with me anymore. It's a lot to hear and..."
"Shh." He said, silencing me instantly. "Don't ever say anything like that again. I'm not leaving you. I don't think any differently of you, I want you to know that, okay?"
Taken aback by his reaction, I began to feel a calmness take over. Was this real? Was he telling the truth? Did he really accept all of that? Then why did he leave the room?
I orientated myself around just to look at him. Really see him.
I looked into his eyes, really deep, like searching for pebbles at the bottom of the ocean. I was a person who could spot honestly out from a lie like knowing green from red.
There was only truth in his eyes tonight.
Swallowing dryly, I turned around again.
"I'm so proud of you, so are so incredibly brave for telling me. You're so strong Cassie, you know that right?"
"I'm not. I pretended to be but I'm not. You said it yourself, it's my mask to cover that I'm dying inside." I denied softly but his arms only wrapped tighter around my waist.
"Yes, but are you dead?"
Slightly puzzled by what he said I shook my head slowly.
"Therefore you are stronger than you know. Many others would have not dealt with this pain you feel for as long as you have."
I thought about that for a moment. I didn't believe I was a strong person but I knew how to act like it. The evidence was the nights of binge drinking I can't remember and the amount of different guys I'd have sex with.
"You're really not leaving?" I sniffled, bringing my some of my loose hair around my face as a cover, a shield for the pain that may follow.
"Never." He whispered and planted a long kiss on my nape. The hair on my arms stuck up.
"Why? Why stay with me and all my șhit when you can leave now and never have to deal with any of this?"
George pulled me around to look at him, complete confusion adorning his features.
"Because I care for you."
I care for you.
I care for you.
Care.
Me.
No one cares for me. My siblings' maybe but not even my own mother has the decency to ask me about my problems. So why was George?
My heart fluttered and my insides melted. When he brought his forehead against mine, I realised there was something else I needed to say.
Something I'd only just realised after him saying those words.
"George." I said. He raised his head a little so we could lock eyes. "I need to tell you something that I don't fully understand. It isn't my past or anything..."
He cupped my face and tenderly ran his thumb across my cheekbones, wiping away my dry tears that had stopped flowing when he came back. "I'm here to listen."
I sighed. Deep breath. You can do this Cassie. It was odd that someone was listening to me; usually the positions would be reserved.
"I don't understand what happens to me when I'm with you. You give me so much comfort and I don't know why. The day of Milo's back to school party you made sure I got home safely. At the September festival when I was having flashbacks after Anna vomited blood all over the bathroom you held me till I calmed down and demanded no explanation for why I was like that. Afterwards, you distracted me by telling me stories about your day just so I wouldn't have time to think about the flashbacks and all without me asking. At the park when I was running to the point of passing out, all you did was sit and hug me telling me everything was going to be okay and that was more than anyone has ever done for me. On Halloween you found me when no one else could when we played tracker. You found me. You took me home when I was in a șhitty state, high and drunk and still didn't judge me. George, you gave me the best, tranquil birthday I'd ever experienced for a very long time. You looked after me when I had period pains and comforted me when I woke up from a nightmare. And that night when you kissed me I'd never felt anything more powerful and it made me feel alive. I've never ever felt that with a boy and I don't know what it means. I felt like I found my home - you. Tonight, you found me. He'd already done it but you found me anyway and you brought me here and you just..."
Surprising myself, I began crying again, I pulled back from his grip, turning away so he couldn't see my blubbering face.
His hand clasped my chin and tilted it back to face him.
"George, I've got a lot of baggage, șhit's happened and it's total okay if you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I know it's a lot, but if you still want to be around me after this then maybe... if you want we can try... I don't understand any of my feelings, I've never done this or anything I just..."
"I'm not leaving you, Cassie." He repeated softly, bringing his face close to mine until I could taste his minty breath. "Do you want us to be together?"
Looking away sheepishly, I paled. I'd never been in a relationship before. The prospect wasn't as daunting as I once thought now George knew everything and accepted it. I didn't say anything but he knew the answer was yes.
"We'll take it slow, okay?" He reassured but I still felt nervous.
"I-I don't know what to do or anything... how I should act or..."
George sealed my lips shut with his forefinger. "Cassie, nothing has to change. You don't have to act any differently."
I nodded slowly, laying back and covering my eyes with my hands.
He only peeled them off. "You don't have to be nervous, we don't have to tell people. Don't over think this. It's just you and I, no one else and nothing is going to change."
I nodded, still slightly unconvinced. He saw right through me and carefully placed his hands on my waist, shifting himself nearer to me.
Wrapping my arms around his torso I settled my head in the dip of his shoulder finding the spot very comfortable. George sighed heavily, and tucked his own head into my neck. I felt him pick at the fishtail braid I'd done and pull out the bobble holding it secure before the strands wriggled free. He began doing that motion of smoothing the locks down and playing with the ends.
My eyes fluttered closed and I thought how nice it was being here, in his arms. Would I be able to embrace him whenever I wanted now? Or would that be too forward?
I decided not to dwell on it. I felt secure, safe and warm and it felt so nice.
"Thank you, so much George." I whispered. I leaned up a little just so I could lightly press a kiss on his collar bone, before burying my face into his neck and resting there.
"You're always welcome."
*
George
Once she'd fallen asleep I carefully pulled her arms off me, laying them gently at her sides. Cassie was sound asleep, her exquisite face morphing into tranquillity - something I didn't see very often.
I felt such a mixture of emotions right now it was unreal. My heart was being pulled at from all different directions but the two most powerful deep in conflict.
Pain for her terror and the horror that she'd experienced. Rage for the baștards who molested, raped and beat her until she was almost dead.
To think that could have actually happened and she could be lying in a coffin - or worse a dingy basement of a whorehouse - right now, made me want to kill them. I wanted to murder them with my own hands, but they were locked away in jail. Right where they all belong.
Same goes for the fưcker Josh Marsh. I could have killed him tonight, I could and I wanted to but the thought of prison brought my urges down to earth. He wasn't worth it.
She didn't deserve any of this. Any of what she'd experienced, she'd done nothing wrong. Stupid bitch Anna and her pathetic ways. She had her own problems to deal with but what happened to Cassie was so much worse.
I hated that girl sometimes. We had a complex friendship, one that constantly changed my opinion on her. Anna was a bitch, she had her reasons for being that way, but it was no excuse for the rude bullying and pain she inflicted on others. I was friends with her only because I knew few others would. Also I wanted to see if I could help her, if she'd open up to me and perhaps it could calm her down, help her stop being an absolute bitch which caused everyone else to suffer.
I had a talent for knowing exactly what people want or need at a certain time. With Cassie it was understanding, calm and care to make her feel peaceful and soothed because she'd never experienced that before. With Anna it was someone to snap out their opinion and bring her back to reality. That's what I do.
I tell her all her flaws, repeat all the shit she had at home back out to her face until she broke and fought back. That was what she always did and I tried to teach her how to control her anger by trying to get her really wound up on purposed and train her the best ways to deal with it.
It didn't work of course but at least I was trying. At least she wouldn't piss me off on purpose like she did with others.
Anna had told me a vague story about how suddenly quiet Cassie Moore was verbally assaulting her all the time when she used to just sit silently and watch. She said that she'd got some of her friends - the gang leaders and whatnot at home - to go speak to her, put her back in her place after she pissed her off. She said that maybe Cassie had been slapped a few times but nothing extremely serious.
Anna either didn't know what really happened to Cassie, or she lied to me. After all she never told me about being revived from a drug overdose either.
I wish I could hit her for that but of course I would never harm a girl, pregnant especially.
Cassie. My Cassie. She looked so beautiful today, her little black dress emphasising her long legs making me want her so much more. I wanted to kiss her, so badly it hurt, but I knew after her reaction last time it wouldn't be a good idea just to surprise her again.
Sitting back down on the bed, I wondered what to do. I couldn't sleep - not after everything I'd heard. I'd wanted to leave half way through afraid of hearing her being hurt even more. It got worse and worse, only ending when she told me the baștards were all locked away in prison. But I couldn't. Not when she needed me so desperately to listen to her tell me everything. And when I left for a short moment just to gain my composure and not punch a wall, the shattered look on her face, the tears made me realise I might have messed up. I meant a lot to her, I knew it.
Why are you here? She'd said in a voice so broken I didn't know whether I'd be able to glue the pieces back together again.
Stupid idiot. You should have stayed or she would have never considered the thought that I was leaving her. I would never leave her.
I slouched down next to her unconscious form. She was curled on her side, her hands pressed her beside her face a faint smile on her lips like she was dreaming about something wonderful that made her happy.
Cassie was hardly ever happy. I'd only glimpsed a few moments of true joy when she was with her brother and sister, often with me. It gleamed in her alluring eyes like a child on Christmas day, but it was a rare occasion. One that I cherished.
I hoped I could make her happy now. Maybe she would be able to overcome her past trauma with my help and slowly feel normal again.
I really hoped so.
Moving closer to her, I felt her soft breath against my face and the steady lifting of her chest as she breathed in. She looked so peaceful I could have watched her all day.
When I first met Cassie in year seven I didn't think much of her other than her beauty. She was an angel, a goddess and it still mystified me why no one asked her out.
Most likely because she could give them sex instead.
I never really approached her for that though. It puzzled me why she would sneak around and secretly have sex with all these guys when she seemed like such a good girl on the outside. Despite her disputes with Anna she was always so kind, willing to help others and very intelligent. I watched her in class, always looking attentive, drinking in all the information and slotting them into place in her brain meticulously. I was a daydreamer, the complete opposite, only taking things in I thought were important or of interest to me.
It was only until this year that I properly spoke to her. The day she saw me laughing at her joke on the bus was the perfect opportunity to go up to her, speak to her and maybe, just maybe get a smile out of her.
That day after the Christmas holidays in year ten when she suddenly started fighting back against Anna's insults and defending herself and everyone around her surprised us all. It was confusing as to what stirred up her mood which made her in my eyes all the more alluring.
Cassie became mysterious, enthralling and completely fascinating. I studied the way she acted with different people. Bitchy with Anna although no one knew why. Lovely with her friends because that was just the person she was. Yet seductive to men, going around and luring them into her bed.
No one knew why she was like that and I wanted to find out. When I spoke to her, asking her not to tell Anna about the laughing bus incident I saw something amazing flicker across her eyes and instantly I was drawn in.
Deception. She was misleading everyone.
I don't know what it was about me that brought the vulnerability out of her. Maybe it was because no one really asked her questions about herself often or told her she was beautiful. Possibly it was because no one caressed her face or embraced her when I knew she needed it. Perhaps it was because I was just as captivated by her as she was frightened of me. She was terrified of the feelings I stirred up in her.
I really liked her. A lot.
I examined every tiny detail of her sleeping face. The night we made up from the kiss I felt her wake up beside me, perhaps from a nightmare I wasn't sure since I was only slightly awake. She'd sat up for a few minutes, then layed back down beside me. I felt delighted from the weight of her gaze as she traced the outlines of my face with her finger before finally kissing me - only a little bit - and falling back asleep.
It was strange to think she'd kissed me when only a week ago before she was running away because I'd done the same thing.
I copied her actions now. My finger lightly twirled along the bridge of her dainty nose, the high point of her cheekbones and down her sharp chin. Cassie's skin was so soft, saffron tinted and glossy. Not now. There were bags her under eyes, her thick velvety lashes falling against the sagging skin that hung oppressively on her skull like it was ancient. In a way Cassie was much older that she seemed. She'd gone through so many traumatic things in her life that no seventeen year old should ever experience.
Not enough sleep too. I thought. Perhaps that was because she was having more nightmares. Would they get worse now Josh fưcking Marsh had added another abuse experience to the pile?
My poor Cassie. My precious dragonfly. My Libellule.
I'd been waiting so long for her to come to me, show me a sign of affection. I knew that if I asked her to be with me she'd decline so I patiently waited for her to make the move.
It's totally okay if you don't want to be around me anymore... but if you want... we can maybe try...
She was so oblivious. Could she really not see how much I cared for her and how hard I was falling for her? Every thought of mine was claimed by Cassie. She was constantly in my head, always in my mind.
She'd looked so innocent as she said those words, so nervous it was cute. Her cheeks blushed only with me and her entire confidence and demure composure cast away. That's how I knew she liked me, the way she reacted and felt around me was unlike anything she'd ever experienced.
It scared her and that was why I knew that this relationship would have to be taken slow.
It would be difficult for me - I craved everything about her. The natural, rich, fruity scent - like a dark forest gateau and sweet cherries - of her skin which was always silky like she spent hours moisturizing. I yearned to hear her angelic voice, the one when she laughs like bells not the broken, thick tone she has when she's crying. My stomach writhed insufferably whenever she was upset. It was as if every ounce of agony she felt was coursing through me, wrenching at my heart even more because I knew that there wasn't much I could do. I could only hold her.
It saddened me to think that she was mostly feeling that way. Unless she was with me where she would drop the bubbly, joyous Cassie Moore she tried so hard to appear as.
When she was with me she was open, affectionate and also vulnerable. I could see she was beginning to grow to me but she was still apprehensive about her feelings.
Now though I think she accepted them, the emotions she felt. It would take time but I could spend more time with her, hug her, comfort her and kiss her, and she might be even more accepting.
Kissing Cassie felt magical, like I had found something I didn't even know I was looking for. The softness of her skin - electric. The taste of her mouth like something mysterious and forbidden. Sealed away.
At the time I was able to fit my arms through the bars, cup her face and bring her lips to mine but I hadn't quite found the key to unlock her cage.
Now I had. I knew now that dependence and trust in me were what opened up her past. The pain had been too much to handle and because she trusted me, she could finally release the anguish and swing open the cage door allowing me to pull her out.
I couldn't believe she'd never told anyone. My poor girl. She'd been suffering for so long. Alone.
I hoped to change that.
I would change that.
This relationship would change that.
I acted calm and smooth usually but honestly all of my few relationships had ended quickly. It seemed the girl either didn't feel appreciated, loved or cherished and I was never really interested. All the girls I'd been out with to me were dull, boring.
But with Cassie, it was the complete opposite. Ever since that first day on the bus, I was drawn in.
It wasn't her looks or the way she acted because I'd seen that for the past five years. No what captured me was the crushed soul I saw past her mask that no one else could.
I just wanted to know more. I wanted to be the super glue to piece her back together.
And I got it, through the sleeping agreement.
I never seemed to sleep well, I had too many big ideas about the world that overwhelmed my head and I could never be settled.
Asking Cassie to just simply sleep with me was a way to spend more time with her, to talk to her, to understand her. I hoped that by doing so maybe she would find an interest in me too.
I slept so much better with Cassie than without. The feel of her body against mine was so calming, that it only increased my need for her, like the need for me to touch her hair.
I loved her hair. It was a fine and soft like spun silk, ever changing in colour. I loved how when the sun shone against it I could see a thousand shades of gold ranging from coppery topaz at the back flowing down to a pale honey shade at the ends. It always glimmered, mirroring the sun rays.
But not now. Her hair was limp, devoid of the usual bounce and glossiness falling tired in strawy spools around her shoulders. Wondering whether Josh had touched her hair made me grit my teeth and swallow back a growl.
Mine.I thought. She didn't want your touch. She didn't want you but you forced it on her anyway.
I wanted to run my fingers through the locks in a habitual motion that not only soothed her but myself, but I pulled back thinking about Josh Marsh's vile hands going through them.
I took a deep breath. She's here now. She's safe. I'll kept her safe.
I loved seeing her like this - tranquil. The only other times I saw her like this were when I cradled her at night when we slept together and when she dreamed of nice things.
Was she dreaming about me? I wondered, but shook my head.
When my finger tip reached the trail of the corner of her lips I stopped and inhaled a deep breath again.
Cassie had beautiful lips, fallen with a sharp bow giving the look that she was always smiling even though I knew she wasn't. They were plush, soft and just dying to be kissed. It took all of my energy not to just lean in now.
Soon. Soon you can kiss her.
I had waited patiently for a while; I could wait a little more.
Her body was another thing that had my limbs tingling to reach her. She was so slim, her stomach slightly toned from running and her hips curving to my taste. I loved how her body fit perfectly against mine like we were moulded for each other. Her neck, so angelic and delicate had me wanting to run my lips along her throat, tickle her collar bone and rest in the dip of her shoulder. I knew it was her weakness too. Neck kisses were always a girl's weakness.
Soon. Soon you can kiss her neck.
But the real devil were her eyes. They held so much enigma and secrets that up until today I'd been longing to know and understand. Irises, cinnamon coloured but glowing like orange embers, reeled me in even more. The way they dilated, darkened until I hardly saw the cognac ring centre and only saw one thing. Desire.
That was it. I was done. Cassie was it for me. I'd never been in love before but I knew this was it.
Cassie made me feel like I had a purpose. I was always that type of person that daydreamed, thought extravagantly and never knew quite what to do with myself. I told Cassie that future I wanted because it was something that was nice, ideal - and I also wanted to see what her own opinion was about family life.
But honestly, I had only one thing I wanted. Her. Cassie. My beautiful dragonfly that was finally mine.
I wanted to protect her, care for her and make her always feel loved. She lacked so much love in her life I just simply wanted her to feel treasured. I hoped in time she would feel that way for me too.
Cassie told me she was incapable of love but I don't think that was true. I think Cassie didn't know what love was and definitely was not going to give in to it easily if she had the opportunity to come across it.
I'd have to show her what love was, what it meant.
Slowly remember. You can't scare her.
Right.
My mother loved Cassie. She thought she was interesting, kind and good for me even though we hadn't been together when she said that. Mum thought Cassie brought my back down to earth, not because I was vain - my head was always in the clouds daydreaming. Constantly daydreaming.
When I was with Cassie, I felt centered like I'd found my home. She said the same about me earlier, I wonder how deep her emotions towards me go. I hoped they were as passionate as mine.
Once my finger finished tracing the outlines of her face I pulled away and felt her breath against my hand as she sighed softly. Unconsciously, she brought her hand closer to my face, I took it - my hand swallowing hers - and linked our fingers together. They fit perfectly.
Cassie. My Cassie.
Then, I neared closer to her turned around and with our hands still linked, held her waist from behind. I loved the way our bodies sculpted together so well.
I nuzzled the back of her neck, inhaling her addictive scent and sighed contently. This felt good. This felt natural. I would be able to sleep now she was here in my arms.
After a short while I drifted off into a blissful slumber, the pain in my chest for Cassie's horrid experiences overpowered by the love and care I felt for her.