All Iden could hear was the sound of her own blood pounding in her ears as she moved through the dwelling as though she were on autopilot. She waited until after they'd gotten Howzer some food before she quietly grabbed a blaster, a pair of binocs, and her coat and headed for the front door. Crosshair intercepted her before she made it out.
"Where are you going?" he asked, his voice softer than it had been in the hall.
"I need some air," she replied tightly.
He was studying her carefully, but she didn't feel like meeting his gaze right now. "You heard Hunter, we shouldn't leave right now."
"I need to be away from you." It was true; just looking at him was overwhelming right now. Her stomach was roiling. She was seething, but every time she looked into his eyes, she wanted to cry. Wordlessly, he stepped out of her path, and she walked out the door quickly, trying to put as much space in between her and the dwelling as possible.
After a few blocks, she slowed her pace, trying to steady her breathing. The first exhale came out as a sob, and she stumbled into an alley in time to violently vomit. Tears streaked her cheeks as she leaned heavily against the wall, spitting out the remaining bile and trying to calm the sobs threatening to rip their way out of her throat. He lied to me. To my face. All so that he could kill someone. And the things he said...it's as if I never knew him at all. That's not the man I met on Naboo. I don't recognize him. She wiped her mouth on the back of her sleeve.
Maybe this is who he really is. Maybe I was just too blind to see it.
Her stomach heaved again, but she managed to hold whatever remained of her stomach contents in, pressing her forehead against the smooth stone wall of one of the buildings that bracketed the alley and taking a few deep breaths.
I need to get moving. If Nisa shows, she won't wait long.
A light snow was beginning to fall as Iden made her way through the streets towards the park that she'd specified to her sister. A few of the flakes settled in her hair and her lashes, brushing against her cheeks gently as she walked. She kept patting the blaster she had strapped to her thigh, making sure it was still there. She wasn't sure if she could stomach using it on her sister, even on stun, but she knew that she would do what was necessary. I'm able to put the mission above myself. Unlike some people.
Her stomach knotted again as she replayed the conversation with Crosshair in her mind, the way he'd glowered at her as he'd leaned in. An Imperial for an Imperial. She bit the inside of her cheek as she felt the sting of tears again. They're nothing alike. But the thought carried even less conviction now. He'd had a point though; they'd both kept things from Hunter now. But the reasons are completely different. His was for revenge. Mine was for...well, I'm not sure why.
Iden pulled her coat tighter around her as she crossed the street that led to the park, picking a large tree to lean against, blending into the shadows. There were no patrols in sight, and for that at least she was grateful. In fact, it appeared that most of the foot traffic had cleared out with the onset of the snow. She waited a few minutes, glancing around until her gaze focused on a figure approaching from the direction of the prison.
It's her. No doubt about it. I'd know that gait anywhere.
Nisa walked quickly towards a bench near a set of hedges, brushing the fallen snow off of the seat before sitting down and looking around nervously. She didn't appear to note the figure watching her from underneath the tree. Iden scanned the area one more time, looking for any other signs of movement that would indicate Nisa hadn't come alone. She pulled the pair of binocs from her belt, watching to see if her sister was speaking to anyone either via commlink or earpiece. After a few minutes, she felt fairly certain Nisa had done as she asked. She circled around behind her sister, giving her a wide berth before finally walking up to the bench and taking a seat, her hand resting on the blaster hidden inside her coat.
Nisa jumped at her sudden appearance, affixing her sister with a wide-eyed stare for several moments. Iden struggled to meet her gaze, her stomach threatening to rebel again. Finally, she turned and looked at her.
Her younger sister barely seemed to have aged from the teenager that Iden had argued with eight years ago. She's weary though. As though she carries the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders. "You look tired," she said quietly before she could stop herself.
Nisa huffed a dry laugh, shaking her head, her voice tight with anger. "Eight years, and that's the first thing you comment on."
Iden snorted. "Figured it's better than 'what the kriff are you doing wearing an Imperial uniform?'"
"I could ask you the same thing, seeing as you had one on this afternoon, and yet you're one of the most wanted criminals from Naboo at the moment."
"I bet you get a big kick out of that, yeah? Your fallen sister, once a hero serving on the Naboo Guard, now a fugitive."
"Is that what you think of me?"
Here we go.
"Hard to know what to think when you left without so much as a clue and I find you here. What is it you even do here, Nisa?"
"For your information, I'm the prison resource coordinator."
"Ah, so you make sure all the forced, unpaid labor gets to where it needs to go. You know, I think they have another word for that, but I'm struggling to come up with it right now. It's right on the tip of my tongue." Her sarcasm was cutting, but Nisa just blinked at her, unimpressed.
"They're criminals, Iden," she stated flatly.
"Says the Empire."
"Well, they're the ones in charge, so it would make sense they call the shots."
"Doesn't mean they're right."
Nisa shook her head again. "Still stubborn and argumentative. You haven't changed at all I see."
"And you've changed plenty." Iden glared at her sister, who met her gaze with equivalent animosity.
"I don't have to explain myself to you. In fact, I think you owe me an explanation. You show up to the prison I work at, unannounced, wearing a uniform that clearly isn't yours on the same day that we magically lose track of one of our prisoners, a clone captain. In fact, I seem to remember seeing him walking out with a stormtrooper around the same time I was chasing you down. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, now would you, Iden?"
Iden's finger tightened around the trigger of the blaster at her hip, her thumb clicking on the stun setting. "I'm not answering your questions."
"You owe me an explanation," Nisa repeated.
"Let's get one thing straight, Anisia. I don't owe you a damn thing," Iden snarled, finally hitting her limit as her sister sniffed primly. "I did everything I could to give you the best life possible after we lost Mom and Dad. I busted my ass ensuring you were housed and fed every month, hoping that you'd make something of yourself."
"Don't you dare act like that was for me, Iden. You couldn't wait to leave me behind, to escape everything that reminded you of them."
Iden shuddered as the snow continued to quietly fall around them. She doesn't know that's not all I was running from. "I did what I had to in order to survive."
"As did I. And you should be proud. I made something of myself, just like you wanted. I'm an officer in the Imperial Navy. After I finish my time here, I'll be deployed to one of the new Star Destroyers as a vice admiral. I've been assured the promotion is in the works."
Iden's eyes glittered as she stared at Nisa. "How could I possibly be proud that you've joined the side that wants to subjugate the entire galaxy? Do you even know what they did to Naboo?"
"They crushed an uprising, one that you unwisely chose to be a part of."
Iden leapt from the bench as her rage got the best of her, her face inches from Nisa's as she lost control.
"THEY KILLED PEOPLE, NISA. THE QUEEN. HER HANDMAIDENS. HER GUARDS. MY FRIENDS. CIVILIANS. THEY DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT WHO. THEY JUST BURNED CITIES TO GRASP POWER, NO MATTER WHO WAS IN THEM."
Iden could see her outburst alarmed Nisa, her eyes widening slightly and her body tensing, but her sister did not shrink away, staring at her emotionlessly as Iden concluded her tirade. The former lieutenant took a step back from the bench, running her hands through her hair as she took several deep steadying breaths.
"I am not proud of what you've become," Iden said quietly, her voice hoarse. "In fact, I couldn't be more disappointed, Anisia."
Nisa sighed before standing, straightening her Imperial uniform. "Well, it's a good thing your approval stopped mattering to me almost a decade ago then, isn't it?"
Iden felt frustration surge through her. She always gets me like this. Knows exactly which buttons to push, even after all this time. She took a deep breath, holding it as she rubbed her hands over her face before releasing it forcefully. "I didn't come here to fight with you."
"Then what did you come to do?"
Iden met her gaze, their matching eyes burning at each other through the thickening snow. She took another deep, hesitant breath.
"I came to ask you to come with me. To leave this behind."
She hadn't really known what her plan was as she'd walked here, but the words were unsurprising as they fell from her mouth. There was no hesitancy, no thought about how that might impact the mission or what Crosshair might say. In that moment, all Iden could think of was protecting her sister, even with everything that had happened between them. That was her job, what she'd been trying to do for all of her life, even now.
Nisa scoffed before releasing a loud, mirthless laugh.
"You must be joking."
Iden's tongue darted out to wet her lips. "I'm not."
"You've got a lot of nerve. I'll give you that, Iden."
Iden stepped forward towards her sister. "Look around you, Nisa. All the Empire does is breed fear and rule through brutality. That's not the way to lead."
"Terrorists must be put down."
"You mean dissenters."
"You know there's a difference."
"Not in the Empire's eyes. Surely you know that with the work you're doing. How many of the people in that prison have actually committed a crime?"
"All of them."
Iden felt the frustration in her gut coil once more. "The captain that disappeared this afternoon. Do you know what he was imprisoned for?"
"Howzer is a traitor."
"He refused to take up arms against civilians on Ryloth after the Empire faked an attempted assassination of their senator and blamed it on one of their leaders that had fought in the war, a hero to the people."
"Cham Syndulla is an anarchist and very capable of such an assassination. He and Senator Free Taa-"
"I know it was an Imperial sniper that took the shot, Nisa. That your friend Rampart gave the order and orchestrated it all."
Nisa scoffed, but Iden could see something flicker in her irises for half a second. Doubt? Concern? Suspicion?
"Admiral Rampart would never do something like that."
"He would and he has."
"What proof do you have?"
"Aside from Howzer's word? I know the sniper that took the shot."
"Another traitor then? I'm familiar with what happened to CT-9904. Was that him with you this afternoon? The clone traitor?"
The use of Crosshair's CT number rather than his name, as if he wasn't even a person to be acknowledged, twisted Iden's stomach with rage, but she tried to keep her voice even as she met her sister's gaze. "No. He's not here with me."
Nisa appeared unconvinced, but she didn't press the issue. "What fine company you find yourself in these days, Iden."
Iden huffed in frustration, resisting the urge to fly into another rage. "If you refuse to see facts when they're staring you in the face, then you're beyond help. I wish you'd come with me, but I can't force you to, just like I couldn't force you to stay on Naboo. But I wish you'd see that you're being played for a fool, Nisa. You're too smart for this. Truly."
They stood facing each other for a few moments before Iden broke the silence once more.
"So, what now?"
Nisa began rocking back and forth on her heels, a habit she'd had since childhood when she was deep in thought. "I shouldn't even be talking to you. I could lose my job and wind up in prison just for being here right now."
"Will you turn me in?" Iden asked quietly.
Nisa ceased her rocking, tilting her head as she took in her sister. "No."
Iden released a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. "Thank-"
"No. Don't do that," Nisa cut her off. "I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for Mom and Dad. But you and I? We're even after this." She turned on her heel. "Get off this planet and don't ever let me see you again. Next time, I'll arrest you without hesitation." Without another word, her sister trudged off into the night, her footfalls crunching against the fresh snow and growing quieter with every step. Iden stood watching her until her figure disappeared into the darkness before she turned back the way she'd come. She was careful to double back and take the long way home, checking herself at every corner to ensure she didn't have a tail. Once she was certain she wasn't being followed, she returned back to the dwelling.
Howzer was snoring quietly on the couch as she stepped through the front door. His nose wrinkled at the slight whiff of cold air that accompanied her inside, but other than that, he didn't stir. Probably the most comfortable place he's slept in a few years. Pulling a blanket from the end of the couch, she threw it over the sleeping captain, carefully tucking it under his chin. He relaxed at the warmth, and she smiled slightly.
Iden quietly slipped her boots off before hanging her coat by the door and setting her blaster and binocs on the table and tiptoeing down the hall. When she got to their bedroom door, she noted the dim light of the bedside lamp shining under the door.
Great. Another confrontation, but one I'm looking forward to even less. She took a deep breath and opened the door.
Crosshair was sitting on the bed, his back to her as he rested his elbows on his knees. He turned his head at the sound of the door opening, but Iden didn't meet his gaze, walking quickly towards the refresher and closing the door sharply behind her as she began to strip out of her clothes. There was a soft knock at the door, which she ignored. Another one came a few seconds later, more insistent.
"Iden, let me in."
The rage came surging back, and she whirled, opening the door and glaring at the man in front of her with her shirt in her hands and her pants partially undone.
"What makes you possibly think I have anything to say to you right now?" she snarled, tossing her shirt into the corner.
"Where were you?"
"None of your kriffing business."
She saw something snap within him, and he surged towards her, crowding her into the tiny space. He'd never raised a hand to her, and she didn't fear him doing so now, but she still felt herself tremble slightly at the sight of him bearing down on her, and she wasn't certain she could blame all of it on the cold.
"You went and saw her didn't you?" he hissed.
"Yes, I went and met with my sister," she replied evenly, drawing herself back up to her full height.
He scoffed. "How could you be so reckless?"
"ME?" Iden's voice was getting louder, but she couldn't be bothered to care. All of the anger that she swallowed earlier coiled tightly within her and she was ready for him now. "You, of all people, are the last one that gets to preach to me about recklessness, Crosshair." Her finger jabbed into his chest as she charged towards him. "You lied to me. You lied to Hunter. You put this entire operation at risk, all so you could settle a score with someone who wronged you." The realization struck her like a ton of bricks. "You lied to me that first night. You looked me right in the face and lied, and you kept lying. You allowed me to tell you the one thing I had never told anyone right after you lied to me, and you kept the ruse up the entire time." Tears were burning at the corners of her eyes now as her emotions got the best of her, and she internally swore.
"Iden-"
"Shut. Up." Her jaw was set, her voice taut. Crosshair went quiet. Her mind raced and she snorted angrily. "And even after all of that, even after everything, I allowed you to get away with it in front of Hunter tonight. Because I know how important their trust is to you." She scoffed. "But apparently mine isn't."
"It's not like that, Iden. I had-"
"I don't give a shit what you think you had to do, Crosshair." He started to open his mouth again, but she held up a hand, closing her eyes tightly as she fought the urge to slap him. Anger shot through her veins like electricity, and as she closed her eyes, all she could see was the way he'd looked at her that night. I thought it was love and admiration, but really, it must have just been relief. Relief that I just believed him so willingly. So easily. Like a foolish, lovesick girl. She took another deep steadying breath. "You'll sleep in here tonight with me because Howzer's in the living room. After he leaves, one of us sleeps out there. We will complete this mission if we are allowed to, but don't for a second think I'm going to allow you to jeopardize this further."
"Iden-"
"I said shut up."
"How do I fix this?" His tone was gentle, sincere, and it made her want to cry and shout at him simultaneously.
He doesn't get to do this. I've aided enough in his redemption.
She met his gaze, glaring hard.
"I'm not certain you can." She stepped to the door, holding it open for him. "I need to shower. Get out."
He watched her for another few seconds before nodding, stepping out wordlessly.
As soon as the door shut, Iden turned on the water in the shower before she slumped to the floor, burying her face in her hands and silently screaming as she finally allowed the tears to fall.
---
The next morning, Crosshair opened his eyes as the sunlight coming in from the bedroom window hit his face. Iden was gone, and when he reached over, her side of the bed was cold. He sighed, rolling onto his back and rubbing his face in frustration.
I deserve this, I suppose.
His mind drifted back to the night before and the way Iden had looked at him when he'd crowded her into the refresher to confront her. She was afraid of me. She's never been afraid of anything as long as I've known her, but at that moment, she was. And it was because of me.
Even if only briefly, I was the monster she swears I'm not.
A lump rose in his throat at the thought.
Perhaps she was right. I'm losing myself to this. I might lose her as well. And then where would I be?
Banishing the thought, he forced himself out of bed, pulling on a loose-fitting shirt and a pair of trousers. He could hear shuffling in the kitchen, but when he opened the door, he felt a slight pang of disappointment to see it was Howzer and not Iden. Howzer looked up at him as he walked into the small kitchen.
"Iden went out a little bit ago. Said she was going to get some more food."
Crosshair nodded wordlessly, opening a cabinet to look around for a mug. He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to find Howzer hesitantly holding out a steaming mug of caf to him. He took it quietly, nodding his thanks. The two of them leaned against the counter, quietly sipping their caf before Howzer broke the silence.
"I...I take it you knew Rampart was here then."
Crosshair grunted.
"And she thought you'd made that known to Hunter."
"If this is a counseling session, Captain, I have to warn you I've already been assessed by my peers and was found 'severe and unyielding,' so I'm going to save you the time and energy and tell you I'm not worth trying to understand."
Howzer shrugged. "She seems to feel differently."
Crosshair said nothing.
Howzer watched him for a few more seconds. "You know, you're very different from the commander I met on Ryloth."
"Yes, well the inhibitor chip does a good job of making sure you don't have independent thoughts." Crosshair glanced at the side of Howzer's head. "Yours never activated at all?"
Howzer sighed. "From everything I've heard and seen, the way we were impacted varied greatly. Those with the most severe experiences were those that had a Jedi with them, but I'm not sure if that's entirely the chip's doing or just all of them trying to find some reasoning to cling to in order to cope with killing those they served alongside. I didn't have a Jedi stationed with me when the war ended, so no, I didn't notice a severe shift. Not unwavering loyalty or anything like that."
"Headaches?"
"At times. The worst I've ever had, but not anything I couldn't tolerate."
As Crosshair turned to refill his mug, he felt Howzer's eyes on his scar. "Go ahead and ask. I think I owe you that much."
"Yours did activate?"
"Yes."
"What was it like for you?"
Crosshair gripped the mug a little tighter to hide the tremor that shook his hand for a moment as he relived the instant the chip took over. "It...it was as though a switch flipped in my mind. I didn't really notice it. It wasn't an obvious change really until I looked back at my decisions later. I took a shot at a padawan, a child. That's not something I would ever have done before the chip's activation, but I did it without any hesitation. It was as if it was second-nature. The shift in my personality was so subtle my brothers didn't even notice it. None of theirs activated, and they couldn't understand why I'd suddenly become so concerned with being obedient to the Empire, but it wasn't like I turned into an unthinking droid spouting propaganda. I was still largely myself...until I wasn't." He took a sip of caf. "When we got back to Kamino, Rampart and Tarkin had my chip enhanced to ensure I would be more obedient. They told me my chip had been removed, and I believed them at the time, but at that point, I was too lost to understand what was happening. There are some that talk about trying to fight it, but since I'd thought it was removed, I didn't even know that there was something I should be battling against. The enhancement ensured I'd never know the difference." He paused, taking a deep breath before tapping the side of his head. "Everything started to change when I got this. It killed the chip."
Howzer's brows furrowed slightly. "You had that when we met on Ryloth."
"I did, and my demeanor had started to change slightly. But at that point, I'd committed plenty of atrocities in the name of the Empire, and I coped with that by insisting to myself that the Empire was the way forward and that the ends justified the means. I thought everything I'd done had been my own decision, so I was grasping at ways to justify things. When you and I met, I had no idea what was happening. Was worried I was losing it if I'm honest. I noted that I suddenly was more merciful towards certain individuals, like my brothers, when I'd been trying to kill them just a few weeks before. But with the thought that the chip had already been removed, I just assumed it was my own internal conflict."
Howzer wet his lips, as if the next question was one he was afraid to know the answer to. "Did you know what would happen to me?"
"No. And if I'm honest, at the time, I didn't care. My blind loyalty was what was holding my mind together. To ponder if you were actually a traitor or be concerned about your fate would have started to whittle away at the story that I was telling myself, and I couldn't have coped with that." He paused, the unfamiliar words sitting on his tongue. Taking a deep breath, he pushed them out. "I'm sorry."
Howzer nodded in apparent acceptance before he hesitantly asked another question. "What changed?"
Crosshair huffed into his cup. "Well, I was branded a traitor for starters. Even after the Empire left me for dead and my brothers tried to convince me to come with them, I still returned, thinking that was the way forward. Rampart chucked me in a cell instead. The chip was rapidly deteriorating at that point. The headaches incapacitated me pretty regularly. My brothers came for me though, which was more than I deserved. They removed the chip, but the nightmares and the understanding of what I'd done didn't exactly dissipate. I held onto a lot of anger and bitterness for a while." He paused again, his chest tightening slightly. "And then I met Iden."
He could feel Howzer watching him with a hint of surprise.
"I know. Shocking that I found someone that tolerates me," Crosshair joked dryly, taking another sip of caf.
"It's more shocking that you'd lie to someone like that."
Crosshair clamped his teeth together to keep the snarky retort that was brewing within him from flying out. That's what got you into trouble last night, cheap shots when you're in the wrong. He took a deep breath. "I suppose I deserve that." The tightness in his voice was obvious to him, and he swore internally as Howzer's face softened slightly.
Howzer emptied his mug before setting it on the counter. "For what it's worth, she doesn't strike me as someone to hold a grudge. Seems that she'd find that a waste of energy."
"Perhaps. But I lied to her on a night where she put a lot of trust in me. I mean, we have to trust each other every second of every day considering what we're trying to accomplish, but that night was different." He scratched at his beard. "I hope you're right though."
Howzer smirked. "I have to ask. The beard?"
Crosshair shrugged. "She said she thought she might like one on me. Figured it was worth a shot."
"Makes you look...more personable."
"No one's ever accused me of that."
"I said look."
"Ah."
The front door of the dwelling hissed open, and both men's eyes darted up to where Iden was stepping inside. Crosshair's heart fell slightly at the bags under her eyes. She looked exhausted. He knew she'd been up and down all night, and it seemed as though she'd barely slept at all. She nodded at Howzer, giving Crosshair a cursory glance before setting the groceries she'd bought on the counter and starting to put them away.
"Hunter commed this morning," she rasped after a few minutes, and the rawness of her voice made Crosshair grimace into his cup. More evidence of how much I hurt her last night. At least she's speaking to me I suppose.
"What did he say?"
"A rebel cell is in the area and they'll be by this evening to collect Howzer and the file we got from the prison. I'll work on putting it on a data spike before they get here. We need to make sure to confirm their challenge codes before we let them in."
"And us?" The question was clearly about Rampart, even if he didn't voice it. She paused, and he saw her tense. "They're still thinking about it. We are to call out sick from work until they decide." Iden finished emptying her satchel before carefully hanging it from the hook near the kitchen entrance. "I'm not feeling well, so I'm going to go lie down for a bit," she said quietly before striding off down the hall, closing the bedroom door behind her.
"Give her time," Howzer said gently, and Crosshair turned to look at him. Howzer shrugged. "I haven't known her or you, the real you, for more than a few hours. But it's clear that she cares about you. Very much. So I'd start working on that apology for when she's ready to hear it."
Crosshair drained the last of his caf, setting his mug in the sink.
I hope that day comes.