Maddox:
"Something came up and I can't do tonight. I'm sorry."
I stare at the message Rose has sent me with a deep frown on my face. Something doesn't feel right. We were fine last night and she was fine this morning too before the whole captain of the football team thing came up. Is it some kind of a pet peeve for her or something?
Fuck, I'll gladly quit football if I have to. I only do it for fun anyway. I never planned on pursuing it as a career. I already know what I want to do with my life, and football goes under the pile named Hobby. But Rose's name is under Partner for Life. Fuck, Ty was right. I'm a hopeless fool in love and she's fucking oblivious.
"Is everything alright?" I can't help but ask, only she never responds.
After practice, I grumpily make my way to my dormroom to call it a night. Ty tried to convince me to join him to a party but I wasn't in the mood, so I told him I'd do some studying on my own.
As much as I try to study, my mind keeps going back to my angel, and I can't shake the feeling that something is off. Why did she cancel on me all of a sudden? What if she's not okay for some reason?
Fuck this. I won't be able to get any sleep tonight if I don't figure this out. She might think I'm clingy as fuck, but I promised her to be myself and this is me. I just hope I don't terrify her as I make my way to her room.
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Rose:
I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel awful, and I hate myself for it. Maddox is my friend and I swear I wish him nothing but happiness. So why can't I be happy for him? Why am I such an awful person?
Everytime I think I'm done crying, the tears rush out of my eyes again and I'm miserable because I don't even understand why I'm crying.
I feel bad for cancelling our plans tonight, but I didn't lie. I truly can't deal with a study session tonight. Not before I get my head to think straight and my heart to calm down.
But as I lie on my bed in the darkness of my room staring at the ceiling, I find myself wishing that he was here. That I wasn't so lonely, having nothing but the darkness in my head that Jaxon left in me to keep me company.
I used to love myself. I used to think I was a good, kind, smart and sweet girl. But then Jaxon left. And I realized that I'm not good enough. Not beautiful or sexy enough for him to give me a chance. Not kind or lovely enough for him to want to stay. And definitely not smart enough to have seen his rejection coming.
And now that I have found a good, healthy friendship that seems to have helped me get on the road of recovery, I realize that I'm not good enough to keep it. I'm not good enough for Maddox at all. Not if it hurts me this much to see him kiss such a gorgeous girl.
The demons lurking inside my head stopped me from being a good friend to Maddox today. I didn't go with my plan, didn't give him his cupcake that's still on my desk, didn't help him study and made him worry over my pathetic reason for cancelling on him. He doesn't need or deserve that.
Before I came back here, my therapists told me to make friends. They told me that I needed to learn to trust myself again to make good friends, good choices. But they were wrong. They were so focused on what I needed that they never thought of what the people around me needed as well. I don't need friends, I need to be alone. Because people don't need me, not when I'm this damaged. I was so worried that if I let someone like Maddox in I might get hurt, that I never took a moment to think that I could hurt him too. And I think I have. And I hate myself for it, probably more than ever.
I'm startled when I hear a knock on the door. I jump out of bed, my thick socks not making any sound as I carefully walk to the door. "W-who is it?"
"It's me, Rose." Maddox's voice makes my heart drop to my stomach. I'm not ready to face him at all. "Can you please open the door?"
Unable to say no to him, I quickly turn on the light and open the door.
Wearing a pair of black sweatpants and a white hoodie, Maddox looks both worried and disoriented, like he hadn't planned on coming here at all. "Fuck, Angel, you're crying."
He steps inside, shutting the door, and before I have the time to wipe my face his large hands do it for me. "Why are you crying? What happened?"
His voice is laced with worry and he seems to care so much that I suddenly feel extremely tired. "I'm okay."
"No, you're not." He shakes his head, his soft blue eyes searching mine for answers I don't have. "Tell me what I can do to make you feel better."
My heart aches inside my chest when he says that and I start crying all over again, burying my face in my palms.
"Shit!" He quickly gathers me in his arms and rubs a hand up and down my back soothingly while the other works in my hair. "I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me anything. It's okay."
"I'm so, s-so sorry." I mumble into his chest, the feeling of safety and protection spreading within me like a blinding white light washing away my darkness.
"It's alright, Angel. Everything is alright." He repeats into my hair, his arms tightening around me as he tugs me slowly to urge my feet to walk to the bed. We sit down, our arms still around each other and I let it all out. "You're gonna be okay, Rose. I promise."
Somehow, the majority of my heart believes him, and eventually I calm down enough to pull away. Ashamed, I keep my eyes on my hands as I fiddle with my fingers. "I'm s-sorry that you h-have to deal with this so much."
"Don't say things like that again." Maddox's voice is stern enough that my eyes seek his. "Whatever it is, whenever it happens again, I'll be here for you if you want me to, Rose. Trust me, it makes me the happiest man on earth that I get to be here for you."
His words do something to my insides and I instantly feel warm, calm, and content. God, what good have I ever done to deserve a person like him in my life?
"Now," he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear and I think I blush. "Do you want to talk about it, or do you wanna go have ice cream?"
Even though the second option sounds pretty good, I'm too tired to get up. I don't know where I get the courage from, but I'm feeling so safe after such a long, miserable day, that I find myself leaning further into his embrace. "Can we just stay like this for a little while?"
His eyes soften but he still shakes his head. "No."
I'm about to frown in disappointment when he scoots over the bed, rests his back against the headboard, stretches his long legs and pulls them apart. Tugging on my arm, he turns me around so I'm facing the door before he pulls me between his legs so my back is against his chest. He wraps his large arms around my middle and puts his chin on top of my head. "But we can stay like this for a very long while if you want."
I'm stiff as a board, and he notices because he tenses too behind me. Muttering a quiet curse under his breath, he begins to loosen his arms. "Is this too much?"
"No." I quickly shake my head, glad the he couldn't see how red my face is right now as I relax into his hold. "This is g-good."
It's perfect actually. Way too perfect. No memories are rushing anywhere in my head. No fears are aching my heart. On the contrary, I could stay like this forever, I believe. But I don't have the right mind to think of the why or the how right now. All I want to do is sink into his embrace and go to sleep.
"I got you a cupcake." I mumble quietly as I shift a little to get more comfortable against him.
He clears his throat and takes a deep breath, his arms tightening around me in a silent command to stop moving. "You did?"
"Yeah." I respond. "I waited for you in front of your lecturehall this morning."
Maddox goes completely still for a moment before he loudly groans. "Please tell me you didn't see something that you greatly misunderstood, Angel."
He sounds in pain and I'm ashamed again. "If you're talking about a gorgeous blonde in your arms and a kiss then I might have. Is she the girl you love? Because if she is, and you're in some sort of relationship, then you should probably get up."
His arms tighten around me again and I think he's doing it subconsciously. "That was Lola. I talked to her this morning about the shit she pulled and told her to find someone else to play with. She said she wanted to have sex with me one last time and I said no. She asked for a kiss and I said no. But she fucking took it anyway. I gave her a piece of my mind in front of everyone, blocked her number and her social media accounts after that. And I promise you she won't bother either of us again, Angel."
"Oh." Is all I come up with. Lola is a fucking goddess. He slept with that. Good for him, I guess.
"Is that why you were crying, Rose?" He asks quietly and when I take too long to give him an answer he adds, "I can give you a pass if you want one."
A short laugh escapes me at that but I shake my head. "I honestly don't know why I was crying. But I also do. My mind just hasn't been a good place lately."
Maddox stays silent and I decide to do what I do best. Be completely open and honest. "I cried because a part of me was sad even though I wish you nothing but happiness, Maddox. Please never doubt that."
"I don't, Rose." Came his instant reply.
"I cried because a part of me was jealous that it wasn't Jaxon and I who were that happy." I continue and when I feel him tense behind me I place my arms on his that are still wrapped around my waist. "I cried because I realized that I no longer want it to be Jaxon and I at all. And then I cried because I hate myself for constantly trying to blame him for what happened to me. And I cried some more because I've lost myself while searching for him. And I don't deserve that. But I think I do, because this is all my fault, and I know that he's not to blame at all. And then I cried because I haven't been a good friend to you. Because you've been so sweet, and considerate and patient and I ran like a coward without even understanding what I was running from. I'm just really confused, Maddox. Confused, and tired, and mainly scared."
"Of me?" Maddox asks, holding his breath as he awaits my answer.
"Of me." I reply honestly and his arms tighten around me once more. "Ever since Jaxon left my mind has become a dark, scary place and sometimes it wouldn't shut up. Today it wouldn't go silent."
Until Maddox showed up.
"I'll tell you what." He starts, dropping the faintest of kisses on my hair. "Any time your mind starts taking too much find me, and I'll tell it to shut the fuck up alright."
I laugh and mumble a quiet 'okay.'
"Would you tell me what happened between you and him one day?" He asks carefully, as if he's afraid I'll be angry at him and I nod my head.
"I'll tell you all about it soon." I promise.
"It's getting late, Angel. Want me to stay until you've gone to sleep?" He's always so considerate and I feel so lucky to have him by my side.
"Yes, please." I sigh, leaning against him further, having his warmth as my blanket. "Grab your cupcake on your way out."
Maddox laughs. "Alright. Sleep now, my angel. I'm right here."
And I think that's why I didn't have a single nightmare through the night, even though I know he left soon after I dozed off.
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They're so adorable! I love them so much!
Tell me what you think of this chapter?
Are you feeling sympathetic with Rose, or do you think she shouldn't have reacted this way? Be honest, it's alright!