~ a n a l e p s i s ~
--
ek shaam aur dhal gayi,
ek din aur jee liya!!
--
[Five years ago]
Nandini
She was a gifted child. She was a golden princess.
Until, she wasn't!!
She looked at herself in the mirror, messy hair, crinkled top, smudged face, red eyes. For a while she couldn't recognise herself.
Her shivering hands went to her belly as she caressed it softly. She gulped her saliva as she pictured her big belly, suddenly remembering her childhood that how she used to stuff her belly with her mother's dupatta and would cover it with her top, and would giggle.
But, it was different.
Something, which wasn't a play.
This. This was not a play, but a horrible game that destiny had played.
No.
She can't do this.
She isn't doing this.
Already her family doesn't trust her, they hate her, she is not going to give them the reason to hate her more.
She isn't going to do this.
"Sorry" that's what she muttered before she fell on her knees.
Sniffed.
Cried.
Screamed.
Fainted.
Silence.
.
.
It's not her fault.
It's not the baby's fault.
She can't be cruel.
What would be the difference in her and any other sinner if she kill the small creature inside her who haven't even seen the world.
It deserves to see the world, not because it is beautiful. No-- the world is not beautiful. The biggest lie of the world is that Monsters do not exist. They do.
But, she will protect it.
She couldn't protect herself, but she will protect the baby.
She won't kill her baby.
It's hers.
Only hers.
Caressing her tummy she cocooned herself lying on the cold floor of her room staring at the moonlight coming through the windows.
And as she closed her eyes, her mind was fast enough to replay the night of her helplessness. And her breaths turned heavy and tears started flowing out of her eyes.
Sniffed.
Cried.
Screamed.
Silence.
.
.
They say that happiness will find you, But she think sadness finds you too, sneaking up on you in the darkness. Waiting for you to think that you've made it through and then-- and then it open holes in what was a solid ground.
Now, look at her.
Till few days ago, she had hands on her head, to bless her, to protect her.
Till yesterday, she had a roof on her head, to make her feel warm in this cold world.
Today?
Today she had nothing on her head. Neither the hands, not the roof.
Why?
Because she was a disgrace for them.
And now a burden which they chose not to carry.
Bare foot, soaked in the heavy rain, lost deep in nothingness, her silhouette walked in the darkness of the road. Still it was difficult to tell that the dark was outside or inside her.
Stumbling on the rock, she fell down, bringing her out of her nothingness. She looked at her foot and saw her toe was bleeding, while rain was still pouring.
Suddenly she got aware of the stranded road. She gasped as she found her in between of nowhere. She looked around herself in fear and saw no-one. She wasn't sure it was a relief or a bad thing. Pushing herself back she found the shelter under a huge tree.
She hugged herself as she felt the cold breeze. Shivering she hugged her knees to her chest and rounded her hands around.
Her eyes roamed here and there again and the fear started consuming her. She was shaking very badly, looking all around her in fear.
Her eyes welled up as she saw the blood on her wounded toe and sore feet getting washed away with the rain. It was paining her, and she wasn't sure exactly where. And finally the tears flowed out of her eyes.
Sniffed.
Cried.
Silence.
.
.
She was right. Sadness find you too, waiting for you in the darkness and then cleverly pulling you down in the open ground, the kind you never know are there. She can't remember when it started and she definitely doesn't know when it ends.
Maybe today.
Maybe tomorrow.
Or Maybe never.
She doesn't know.
Or maybe she does.
As she looked at the knife in her hand. Maybe she could end it all at once. She can end those non stop panic attacks, the state of helplessness, the tears, the pain, the fear, the nightmare. Just the flick of knife, and it will be over.
She would not need to wait for the sufferings to end.
And afterall, who would even mourn her death.
No-one.
No-one cares if she is alive or dead.
Then what's the use of staying alive anyway.
Inhaling a sharp breath she kept the knife on her wrist and looked at it blankly.
Just one moment- life and death are just one millisecond moment away.
Her hands shivered and she gulped. But then she looked at her grown belly. And the knife fell down from her hands.
Biting her lips she caressed her belly.
No!
She needs to be alive. For this kid. The kid who has been suffering all the while with her. God knows what strength it has, but it hasn't given up.
And she won't too.
Maybe ending her life is an easy option but it is not the last option.
She looked around herself as she was leaning on the pillar near the footpath. She doesn't know where she is, in what corner of the world she is. She just knows that she is breathing with this five month old baby in her womb, she is just breathing.
She flinched back when suddenly a bike stopped near the footpath. She recoiled back in fear and clutched her belly when she realised that there were three boys ok the bike who were now staring at her under the streetlight. Her breath turned heavy in the fear as she sat freezed on her place.
"Oye look, ladki, aaja mazze lete hai."
(Look a girl, Come have some fun)
Hearing one of the boy speaking in excitement Nandin clutched her belly more tightly. Maybe she should have killed herself only. She pushed herself back when saw the boy who spoke coming towards her.
"Chod oye, dekh toh le pregnant hai. Chal aaja kuch or dhundte hai."
She doesn't know she felt relieved or more fear when she heard the second boy's voice. And then she saw the first boy looking at her and nodding before running back to the bike and the boys drove off laughing out aloud.
Gathering some leftover strength back, Nandini hurriedly stood up and ram. She didn't knew where she was running to, but she just ran. Bare feet, sore ankle, wounded legs, she just ran clutching her belly. She ran until she reached the graveyard.
Leaning with a tomb she closed her eyes and panted. Clutching her throat she looked around her to saw all graves there.
Any normal person would've felt scared there, but she didn't. Because she know real monsters are not dead ones but the living ones.
Finding no water around she just sighed and now when she knew that she was away from any living danger, she let the tears fell out. And she didn't closed her eyes even for a second.
Sniffed.
Silence.
.
.
It did not Kill her and It did not make her stronger.
It simply was, and always will be scorched upon her heart.
She flinched as she felt pain in her abdominal area but didn't stopped washing the dishes at the dhaba.
Although she knew that the more than half of the money she would get at the end of the day will be snatched away from the people begging at roadside, but still she needed to do this.
Afterall she can't say anything to them as they gave her a place to stay at night.
She scrubbed the plate with dishwasher and then washed it, finally getting over with them. Closing the tap, she wiped the sweat off her forehead with her torn dupatta as the blazing heat of the sun was directly falling on her.
She was about to stand up when the dhaba owner bought more utensils to wash and she sighed. Touching her throat she looked at the winner and meekly whispered.
"Un- cle, Wa-ter."
The owner looked at her irritatedly and glared at her.
"First do the work then ask for anything. do kaudi ke logo ko kaam bhi nahi karna aaram bhi pura chaiye. Drink from this tap only." He barked out and left from there muttering some more abuses which she was now habitual of.
She sighed and looked at the water which wasn't fit for drinking but she felt really very thirsty so she drank the water before starting with the dishes again.
At the end of the day she went to the owner for her daily wage which he denied giving her.
"Which money do you want today? You are the food no? That was under your money only." Nandini stared at him blankly.
He was talking about the leftover food which one customer left and he gave it to her.
"Arrey, get out of my way girl."
Nandini stumbled away as he pushed her. She was ready for the fall but felt two secure arms securing her. Opening her eyes which she had closed in fear, she looked above to saw a lady glaring the owner.
And she saw the lady fighting for her from the owner and warning him to behave with people, she came back to her, who was looking at her all the time.
Because maybe this was the first time in those seven and half months someone spoke for her. But she knew better to expect anything.
The lady, who introduced herself as Ishita, smiled at her lovingly.
"What's your name child? And what are you doing here and that too in this condition?"
Silence.
.
.
She was the gifted child once.
She was the golden girl.
Until one day, she burned out.
.
.
.
Yepp!! This was the surprise update.
As I felt, that knowing Nandini's sufferings (to an extent) was necessary.
Knowing that it was never easy for her.
And now you know!!
So, how do you feel?
Did you get emotional? Tbh, I got while writing at some point.
I wanted to stretch it but then didn't wanted to make you all cry cry by the end.
The whole book you felt Manik's love, the motive of this part was to tell you that why his character was kept a soft sunshine-y hero, because that's what Nandini deserved after the darkness in her life.
Ps- the starting line and the ending line aren't by me, they're by Ritika Jayala and excerpt from the "This world is a sphere of ice and our hands is made of fire"
And inspiration of this chapter goes to one of my favourite poem by my favourite poet- ~e.h (of anyone want it tell me)
Now, last but not the least - Any-thing specific you want in epilogue? Tell me here ---
Also, epilogue can take time to come because I'm being emotional writing the end 😭 and also the coming week is a busy week in the college, so I hope you won't mind, although I'll try posting it as soon as possible and before next Saturday at least.
For now that's it!
Will be waiting for your review:)
1800 words!!
~A ♡