trigger warning: abuse & trauma.
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I've been a mess that last four days. If I'm honest, therapy on Monday was intense. It's been a long time since Ava and I started with someone new and Ava is alot more talkative since last time we experienced a first session. Through my short time talking one on one with Dr. Fellows, I realized that I really am feeling overwhelmed, its finally all falling ontop of me now that the hustle has slowed down and I have a moment to really breath and feel safe.
My baseline is anxiety these days, like my strong will has slowly been grinding down while focusing on my little butterfly and giving her exactly what she needs, and some of what she wants. I guess, I hoped it would be different with Henry, like he'd really want to be around, help more, I shouldn't expect it, but I sure as hell hoped...I am so alone and it's exhausting, I miss having a teammate. 'I'm really missing you, June.'
Ava's tiny feet patter onto the bright white tile of Whole Foods as we walk in for weekend groceries, well I walk, she is skipping...in little white clogs, how? I couldn't tell you.
We just finished ballet class at four today and she is already loving it, she is taking to the city well. I have a shoot tomorrow while Avery has orientation for autumn preschool, so I need to get the fridge stocked for a weekend at home alone with her. How strange that feels to say, it's been a while since I felt home. The last three months have been in motels, and weekly pay apartments, I know...I really gotta get it together.
"Mama, this place is giganto! I bet they have those cotton candy grapes, Avery told me about!" Ava beamed at the humongous Whole Foods, I don't know if she's been in a grocery store this big.
"If you find a magic fruit like that, we gotta buy em all!" I joke and toss a head if lettuce and broccoli in the cart. Ava's 'ew' face making an appearance. "Brocolli is sickening!" She sticks her tongue out and scoops a couple apples into the bag I'm holding open for her.
"Brocolli is like eating a tree, I call that nature's innovation," I sing back as I smile down at her. "We get to feel like giants and it helps your heart," I gave her a half smile and she nodded. "Well, all vegetables can help the body, Mom." She stated matter-of-factly and turned around to pick put another apple.
I notice the small pile of green grapes near the end of the product section, "holy guacamole, they have them Ava girl!"
Ava stopped in her tracks, throwing her hands up, "yessss! We have to try them Mom!" I shrug as we both reach for one and bump them. I feel eyes of a few other people but ignore it as I chew the magic little orb.
Holy hell they taste like cotton candy!
"Yum, we need two bags," I smile as I run my hand through her hair.
Ava nodded and pointed, "and we're coming back when we run out." I confirm with a nod as I toss them into my trolley
We're walking through the cereal aisle, with a fun cart of foods that'll keep up busy and full all weekend. Ava likes to help me cook just as much as I enjoy teaching her. I swear this little girl will be cooking for me by the time she's six.
Ava is laughing at all the names they put on kid cereal here. "Bran bunch?" Her eyebrows pressed and she turned to look at me, "but...give me the Chocolate? Bran sounds awful."
Then she locked her caramel colored eyes at the end of aisle six. "Sebby!!!"
She takes off and I turn to watch her run toward him, how does he always look so effortlessly irresistible. He crouched down with open arms as my daughter barrels toward him at full speed in her grey tights and white dress with tiny black polka dots on it, those clogs still clapping onto the tile.
Sebastian looked like he came from the gym, or a run, wearing some sweat that made his skin almost glisten, shit he looks good. He wore grey shorts that fell just above his knee and a black tshirt that showed off those muscles. I couldn't stop myself from biting my cheek. Damn it, seriously universe?
Ava steps away,"Sebby, you're a little sticky...like after Mama does one of her living room workouts." She smirked at him as he smiled up at me, his eyes are a beautiful azure shade in the lighting of the market. He smiled back at Ava, "I just finished a long run, Tinkerbell! I didn't expect to see my favorite good luck charm here."
She smiled at him, that familiar sweetness and pink cheeks coming through her, she adores him, I mean, its hard not to.
He smiled back me, "Hi you." His voice was flirtatious and sending that familiar fluttery feeling through my empty stomach.
"Nice to see you again, Sebastian." I smile and let my eyes wander his bulked frame for a moment as Ava looks at the cereals again, standing near him. "Sebby, this one's called crispy colors!"
He smiled at her, "that doesn't sound yummy." She nodded, "not at all. I prefer my processed sugar once a day with a clever name."
He looked at me with a surprised stare, "yeah, she is four and reading, bossing me around and teaching me things she shouldn't be. I don't really know how she happened, but here we are." I smile ahead as she twirls three feet in front of us.
I smile over at him and ctach him staring. "Did you need to grab stuff? We can walk with you, we're almost done but...maybe I do like hanging out with you?"
Ava stopped and turned, "we...we like hanging out with you."
The way his smile stretched across his face showing his perfect white teeth, the knot in my stomach doubled over.
He nodded, "I just have to grab a few things."
Ava smiles up at him, "Sebby?"
He smiled down at her as I put my favorite over-priced protein puffs into my basket, I can afford a little extra something for me with the money I finally made off my last Georgia job. But, I need to move out, I put them back quickly and walk toward Ava.
Ava proudly stood before him fidgeting her nervous little hands. "I started ballet this week and I think in three months when I perform on a stage, you should come."
I ran my hand through my hair, "Ava, that's a big ask."
"I promise, I will be there." He crouched down like he always does for her and held a hand out to shake. She stood before him with shock on her confused face. After a few moments, she stormed toward him, wrapping her little arms around his neck. He was caught off guard, his azure eyes meeting mine, but we smile at eachother as he wrapped her up with his strong arms with a sweet look on his face.
Ugh, this is unknown territory.
I've never actually witnessed my daughter hug someone like this, it felt like a large weight fell atop whatever the hell chemistry me and Sebastian freaking Stan have...what's a girl to do?
"Promises aren't to be broken, and I don't break them, little one. I can't wait to see you dance in three months!" He gave her one more little squeeze, before she whispered something to him in his ear. He smiled with a nod and stood to walk toward me.
He had a flirtatious smirk on his perfect pink lips. "You're daughter is officially one of my favorite people," he nodded and smiled as she did a little set of poses and my heart was racing. He enjoyed my daughter, made her happier than any man ever had, she isn't the only one and it's only been a week. Shit.
The sight of him with her made my heart happy but the risk terrified me to my core, losing him would be detrimental to my daughter. She can't lose anyone else, not any time soon, I have to keep her safe first. Friends only, he definitely doesn't need our luggage.
When he stood in front of me it felt like every doubt I've had in my life flew right out the window, those eyes in this lighting is like electricity.
"You look cute," he smiled down at me, I wore a small baby blue tank with my yankees hat, and the black shorts I wore I've owned since before my daughter was born, and they are shorter than I remember them. I didn't dress to see anyone today. I am positive my hair is a mess, Ava and I both had our hair up and our natural curl ringlets forming in the humidity outside. I had my dad's old yankees hat on to hide the frizz of my blonde mess.
"Thanks, I'm going for sweaty overtired mom that hasn't had coffee since yesterday, is that being well received?"
He chuckled and shook his head, "so, caffeine addiction?"
I sigh, "oh without a doubt. Amongst other things...like chocolate and wine every Wednesday."
Ava laughed, "and Mama's stress cigarettes." I scoffed and nudged her lightly, "hey, we made a deal that you never saw those."
She shrugged and looked at Sebastian, "what can I say, I'm a little nosey?"
I laugh out loud, "a little? So you're a liar too."
She groans and rolls those little caramel eyes, "I'm a pretender Mama, just like Sebby." When I smirk over at him, his stubbly cheeks are hued in pink and his eyes are filled with curiosity. "Hey, we all have our vices."
He nods while adds a few different drinks in his basket and protein bars, "Seb, do you do much cooking?" I study what he's grabbed beyond some produce and deli items.
He shook his head, "I don't consider myself a decent cook, to be honest." His voice was quiet, seemingly embarrassed. I shrug, "I can show you a few things if you'd like. I'm teaching Ava as well." He smiled with a nod, "you'd do that? I gotta say your roast was impeccable."
I proudly nodded, "I would love to show you. Taught myself everything I know."
He laughed, "that explains your brother's horrible cooking skills." I cackle, "he once burnt Mac and cheese. But he is too stubborn to accept my help...so now, I'll teach his best friend."
Sebastian gave me a cheeky smile and looked like he watched to say something else, but then Ava skipped up to us. I smile at her walking up with something behind her back, "Av, whatcha got there?"
She gives me a tight lipped smile, "before I show you...I need it, alright?" She gives me a raised eyebrow stare as I can see Sebastian hiding a smirk. "Okay, you need it, what is it?"
She pulled out a box of chocolate covered bananas and strawberries while wearing a pouty lip, "Butterfly, you gotta save that boo boo lip for real tough arguments, those look amazing, toss em in."
"Yay! Mom, best movie night ever!" She clapped and tossed her stuff into the cart. I nodded as Sebastian cleared his throat, "I'm done, don't want to keep you ladies from your movie night."
He smiled down at Ava as she beamed up at him, "you should come with us, Uncle Hen is gone and we get to use ALL the blankets." She chuckled and nudged me with her little hand, proudly adding, "even Unc's favorite University of Georgia one."
We move to stand in the checkout line, Sebastian's eyes intense and tracing me. "Would that be alright with you, Harlow?" He smiled at me, but the distance between us and the look in thoze crystal pools made it feel curiously kind, even a bit flirtatious.
As the line forms ahead of us, a cashier goes on break, the line slowing down. "Yeah, that would be nice, as long are you're alright with whatever movie she picks out...last time we watched the borrowers."
He smiled down at her, "I love that movie...I'm in." Ava squeeze quietly and balled her fists, "awesome!"
I feel the heat rushing to my face and ears again, tucking my hair behind my ear and picking up the cotton candy grapes. "Butterfly, explain to me the magic of these grapes?" Sebastian perks up and turns to face us as the line slowly moved forward.
"Magic grapes?" He asks Ava and she smiled wide and nodded quickly, "cotton candy grapes. They are actually made by breeding a male plant with a female, I didn't know plants had genders, did you?" She smirked the last bit, I rub her back and slip her left hand into my right.
"I did not, so you taught me something new today." He smiles and I offer the bag to him. He happily takes two and quickly pops one in his mouth and stares widen eyes at Ava.
"Ava, I agree with your Mom, these really are magic. I didn't know these existed, thanks for showing me!"
Ava slipped her hand from mine and twirled around next to us.
"You're doing an amazing job with her, I've never met a kid like her." I smile at her proudly, "eh, I do my best but she is exceptional all on her own."
We take another step forward, the line slowly moving forward.
"You should learn to accept compliments, Lo. It must have been hard doing it all alone, and look how amazing she is."
He smiled at her, then me, popping another grape in his mouth with the closed eyed enjoyment. I enjoyed the sweet shortness in the new name he calls me, Lo. This man is making me question my normally sound judgment. Maybe I really am worn down, I'm in a brawl with my body's desire to hug him or hold his hand.
I shrugged, "we weren't alone the entire time. We had June for about 9 months," I smiled and Ava quickly turned on her heel to look up at Sebastian. "Auntie June was the greatest, so funny too. She saved mommy. But she died a few months ago...her heart was broken. She called me her little pixie....I miss her."
I frown, hearing her say it always broke me. "I know baby, but remember what she said to you..." she gave a small smile and touched her heart, "I know." June told her for the last few months that she'd live in Ava's heart as long as she needed her.
Watching the best friend I ever had, die quickly the last few weeks of her life with my daughter by my side was traumatic to say the least. Juniper Rose Quinn saved our lives that day a year ago, I owed her my life, but she lost hers. I was holding her hand when her heart stopped beating and there's something about experiencing a moment like that...it changes everything, it changed you.
"She had heart disease, and through her misery, she was our best friend and saving grace." I felt the tears brimming my eyes, as I step to the front spot in line. I wipe my eyes with the palms of my hands, attempting to hide this pain that slowly creeps to my surface.
Ava smiled at me, "she was our angel with pink hair." I chuckle and run my thumb found her cheek. "That lived for the F word," I added as Ava laughed and nodded.
"Next," the lady yelled from her counter as I stroll up with my basket of items. Ava slowly slips her hand into Sebastians, I watch him react slightly in surprise before wrapping his hand around hers, locking eyes with me. I give him a nod and the most honest smile I could, I adore this man. I wish I felt like enough for him, because he is perfect with her and he looks at me like I'm worthy of something...more.
Stop, he is your friend.
Just your friend.
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Sebastian
This last minute grocery trip may be my best decision ever. My heart was pounding the moment I saw them in the cereal aisle, the feeling in my stomach undeniable. Lo is always a vision, even now when she looked a little more thrown together. She's effortless and stunning. Honestly, I found my mind wandering to these mysterious blondes all week.
My Lo, ugh she isn't mine...but she also does deserves someone.
I take in a deep breath, I don't even know about Ava's dad. Henry said he didn't know anything about him, just that he was an asshole that his niece called him their monster.
When I look that the way Lo's hair coils fall into her face, I fight my urge to push them from her beautiful hazel eyes. She is also the little sister to my oldest friend and I have to make sure they feel safe and comfortable first. Henry would be super pissed, though it doesn't seem like he shows these two what a man should do to care for those he loves. I need to make a mental note to fuck with him around the guys for how he is letting his sister feel so alone in this.
Ava slid her miniscule little hand into mine as the cashier calls Lo up, and I was snapped from my thoughts, feeling a rush of emotions at the way this tiny person looks at me. "Sebby? What kindof movies do you like?"
I smirk at the way her tiny little voice squeaks when she's excited, I wonder if Harlow does that too. "I like action movies, and funny movies, I like to keep my heart pumping, y'know."
The tiny little blonde nodded and waved her hand, "of course you do. I like my heart to always pump, yours too...you need your heart pumping to live." She squeezed my hand and looked up at me with those tiny pools or caramel brown.
"Ava, how was Henry the rest of the week after dinner?" A little prying never hurt anyone.
She had this adorable little scowl when she shrugged, "I can't tell if he likes me...Mama seems sad around him. He works really hard and likes things a certain way."
She huffed out a loud breath, "I do love Unc, I just...I want Mama happy." Then she wiggled her hips just as the cashier waved us over.
I smirk as she held my hand a little tighter while we walk up to the checkout Lo is standing by with her two large bags. Ava runs ahead, her hand leaving mine as she grabs a bag from her mom.
The little one with her bag in the crease of her elbow just like her mother. They are so much alike, it's the most beautiful sight to see the way they are together, best friends handling a rough situation with so much light and joy. I feel privileged to know them.
Ava started to jump, "Mama they have balloons!" She jumped and pointed to the large bundle of pastel colored balloons behind the counter.
I smiled at the cashier, "a pink one please." She handed Ava the balloon and I swear the way those tiny hazel eyes look at me, it melts my heart. When I quickly look at Harlow, she is biting that plump bottom lip of hers watching me, her eyes filled with something mischievous. I can't fight these feelings, I don't know who I'm kidding.
What am I doing? I can't let this happen, she has a daughter.
I finish paying and turn to look at the two little ladies next to me, "so, off to yours, then?" I smile and realize I hadn't showered. Shit, oh well.
She beamed with a nod, then Ava mirrored and started toward the door. They both owned the space without really trying, well Ava always seems to be trying...something.
"Did you drive?" Lo smiled up at me, she's so tiny, barely to my shoulder.
I nodded, and put my groceries in one hand and grabbed her bag too as I step forward toward the backseat door, opening it for them.
As Ava hopped in, handing me her bag on her way. She looked at me with a wide grin, as I put all the bags into the trunk.
Harlow added, "I'm gunna need to get a booster if you keep running into us and being so sweet driving us home." She smirked with a wink and the idea wasn't horrible, Ava needed to be safe. I keep hearing words like that, saved and safe, it hurts to imagine these two unsafe. Were they unsafe?
"Let me take you to go get her one, for my car." I spoke without a thought, I'm not going anywhere and would love to be able to offer them rides when I'm in town, especially if my friend isn't doing his part in stepping up for them right now.
Here eyes wide, asking eyes of caramel that study mine entirely nervous. I smiled and run my hand down her arm, a jolt of electricity shooting through me at the contact.
"I can keep it in the trunk just in case, I like driving you dolls around."
Ava's smirk was shy, she whispered, "dolls?" I nodded and turned to look at her, "yes, is that okay?" The way she blushes makes me feel this innocent sweetness she has. Who are these girls?
"There's a Target on East 14th. I can just run in quickly, I'll grab extra sweets for the blanket fort." Her face was lit up, the excitement. I made her excited. I really love when she smiles like this, "off to target."
The drive was quick, Ava insisting on oldies radio, Lo smirking with shrug, "she just listens to my music. It happens."
I shake my head and turn up Journey as Ava sings the words behind me. This little girl is an old soul, just like Mom always said about me. I feel a smile creep on my lips just as Harlow looked over at me. There was this look in her eyes, a flirtatious something, or maybe it was hopeful thinking.
It wasn't like this all those years ago at Christmas, time changes people. But now, the more I look at her, the more I don't want to leave her side...and that's terrifying.
She mouthed, 'thank you' then I made some squished face and immediately felt my cheeks turning red, mouthing a quick, 'of course.'
What is this sweet little woman doing to me?
When I park, Lo hops out and turns to look at Ava. "You listen to Sebastian," she point to her. "I'll get you reeses if you behave."
Ava giggled, "you'll get it for me anyways but I'll be good."
Harlow smiled and fixed her hat before closing the door. Smiling back at me before jogging toward the store in her little white pumas.
As I turn to look behind me, I hear Ava unbuckle her seatbelt. She giggled as she hopped into my line of vision with a little "boo!" As she climbed over the center console, smiling as she plops down where her mother was just sat.
"So, you like my mom right?" She crossed her arms and looked at my eyes with a fierce little stare.
"Of course I do, I like you too," I smirked, knowing just what she meant. She is too smart for four years old, and I need to start reading up on how to do this....because I don't want to fuck it up.
She rolled her eyes, "not like that. More than like..." she said the last bit quietly like she was scared. "Ava, I truly care for your Mom, I'm not going to hurt her."
Ava nodded, "Corey used to hurt her all the time....Mom would have me hide under my bed and listen to the little cd player she found me....but sometimes I listened or peaked."
She looked at me and I had to fight all the natural emotions that wanted to escape when I hear she was hurt, I had to be strong for this powerful little girl. "Who is Corey, Ava?"
"My dad, but I hate him, he hit mom all the time." Fucking monster.
"Ava, did he ever hit you? Hurt you?" She bit her lip and shook her head, "just Mom, he said he loved her but that can't be what love looks like. Mama says it's not."
I lift her chin as she stares down at her lap, a small tear falls down her pink cheeks and I use the pad of my thumb to wipe it away.
"Ava, I would never hurt your mom, or you. Love doesn't look like that, tink, never." A sweet smile crept on her lips just as ACDC - highway to hell started to play and she started to play the air guitar to the beat.
My heart is shattered, how could these two bright souls have gone through something so dark. I can't talk to her yet, I need her to let me in, but I will talk to Henry about her safety.
It's hard enough to fight it with Harlow, but what am I supposed to do about the little girl that deserves so much more.
...and a piece of myself wants to give this tiny person the world...she and her mother.
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Harlow
Sebastian installed the booster and placed Ava in like an absolute sweetheart. The drive home was full of laughs and music, he is a sunshine soul, even though I can tell he carries sadness. Doesn't everyone?
He looks at me in a way that I didn't know was possible, but he also has a special look in his eye when he listens to my daughter with all her little things.
He had ordered us pizzas, Ava got her pinapple and olive, my sweet and salty girl. Then he and I agreed on pepperoni because...duh. I'd grabbed a bunch of Ava's favorite movie night snacks for the board I made with my large tray. I watched Sebastian help Ava with the blanket fort, "impressive fort, Stan."
"Hey, I don't mess around with fort building Winter, this is serious business."
"Oh of course. Forts are a serious business." There is a knock beep on the buzzer for the pizza and soon we're almost all setup for our sepcial movie night.
"Can we watch Matilda?" Ava smirked up at me and I sighed, "Ava we aren't watching that movie for you to convince Sebastian you could do it." He chuckled next to me on the large black sofa, "you can do the magic stuff?"
Av shook her head quickly, "one time. I definitely made the blinds close all by myself at a hotel in Virginia beach."
I roll my eyes as I help them lift the last part of the black fuzzy blanket, I bump against Sebastian and feel the shock again. It felt like a fizzle that shit through my veins, he looked at me like he felt it too. He is still in his post workout clothes and his natural scent is intoxicating, truly want to be drunk on him. Stop Harlow.
"Ava that was definitely a ghost. That hotel was old old." He always watched us so enthralled, it was both exciting and overwhelming.
Ava looked at me, "yeah, okay Mama, whatever you say. But it was me without a doubt...me, not a stupid ghost. Let's eat."
I chuckle, "hey that ghost coulda been really smart...you don't know." She scoffed and rolled her eyes like a teenager, she's over me.
I walk to grab everything and the controller but Sebastian hurries to help me. His arms scooping up the large tray and pitcher as I smile like a bafoon with the controller for the Xbox in hand.
"Thank you," I huff out quietly. This man is going to make friends so hard. I want to feel his hand on my skin again. And as we sit and watch Ava's movie, she lays on the couch in her favorite peter pan pajamas. Her head resting behind Sebastians right shoulder, where he and I sat on the ground, well, I sat on the ground. I'm a bit of a floor person, always lounging across whatever flat surface is sprawled beneath my feet. When I sat down infront of Av's feet, he did too, right next to me.
So here we are, Matilda is climbing from the Trunchable's window and I can feel the tension between our bodies sitting mere inches apart, he still wore his workout clothes. Those treetunks, holy shit, I feel his eyes on me and I snap to look at him. He caught me gawking, I give him a small smile and look to see Ava playing in his hair with her little fingers as her eyes flutter to stay awake, she didn't nap and it's almost eight.
She always plays with my hair when we sit like this, I can see by the small smile playing on his lips that he enjoys the action. I pull out my phone, "can I? Just for me."
He smiled a little more and mouthed 'yes' as Ava's eyes flutter closed and she twirls a piece of his hair. I snap a picture and can't help the butterflies in my stomach.
"Ava baby, let's get to bed." She groaned, "Sebby should take me."
He looked at me with a nod, "if its alright I can."
I press my brow, "are you sure? She'll want atleast a book."
He rolled his eyes, "I got this. See you in 10."
Sebastian Stan scooped up my daughter and brought her upstairs to the guestroom.
++++++
Sebastian
I couldn't help myself, they're letting me in and I want to be in their life. I feel so drawn to Harlow, her sweet soul and there's something in her eyes. Now, I carry this tiny version of her into the room they're sharing in Henry's huge apartment.
I wonder if thats something he decided or if the girls prefer to be close. I imagine that trauma could do that.
I lay her down on the bed and she shimmies under the large white duvet, "you don't have to read to me. But can you answer a question?"
I nod immediately, "of course and I can read you a story if you like."
She waved me off, "spend time with Mommy, she is sad I think. Since June died Mama has been very alone...just me and her."
Her little voice was so sad and the way she looked at me with those eyes of her mother, I nodded. "I'm gunna do whatever I can for as long as I can to make you're mom smile. Okay?"
She beamed, "that would be amazing, Sebby."
I nodded, "done."
She put her tiny hand on mine. "Thanks for being a friend, we haven't had enough, we had to move too much." And then my heart broke again, this sweet girl.
"Goodnight Ava," I stood up from beside the bed and gave her hand a little squeeze.
"G'night." She rolled over with a hum.
When I made my way downstairs, Harlow is laying on the ground in one of the blankets. As I make my way closer she is asleep, her breathing even. I turn to walk and get my stuff from the kitchen.
"Seb, can you stay for a little bit?" Her groggy voice filled the space between us in the most pleasing way. I nodded without a second though, making my way back beside her.
I scooted down to lay on the carpeted floor beside her and she turned to face me, shit this is intimate. She tugged at my shirt, looking at me with sleepy eyes. She tucked her hands under her cheek, "you're special Seb, I can feel it." She whispered and smuggled into my chest. I'm so caught off guard, she is sober, just tired and leaning into me. I wrap my arms around her, holding her tiny frame in my arms for the first time.
She sighed and nestled into me, her nose snores quietly for a while as she finds restnon my chest. I lost track of time, just basking in this feeling. My hands run through her messy golden hair, she hums at the action making me smile. I watch her drift deeply into sleep before I stand with a stretch and scoop her up from the floor. She doesn't shift too much, just nestles back against my chest. I admire the sight of her in my arms, carrying her back up the steps into the guestroom. I lay her down and she rolls to Ava, wrapping her up, both releasing tiny whimpers as they shift around and find their peace in sleep again.
I couldn't stop myself watching then. After a moment, I turn to make my way downstairs and clean up the living room. Maybe that will let her know...I won't let her be alone.
I wish I could convince myself otherwise, but this is all happening and I think I'm going to let it.
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