"Kaycee, you can't avoid the guy! Especially, after you guys shared a moment like that." Bailey told her friend sternly through the phone. Kaycee was currently sulking on her couch due to her self sabotage towards Sean. Once she got back in the car that day, she couldn't even meet Sean's eyes without wanting the world to swallow her whole.
Everything from his gaze to his gentle touch just made her want to explode. She couldn't get his words out of her head: unholy activities. Kaycee couldn't help but wonder if they were meant for "unholy activities". Her past relationship introduced her to the fears of being vulnerable with her body, as well as her mind.
Anywho, she began to overthink and completely shut down. Obviously she wanted to assure Sean that he didn't do anything for her sudden change in mood, that it was all in her head, but in that moment it was as if her mouth were glued shut. So for the past few days, Kaycee began to distance herself from Sean. His FaceTime calls went unanswered, if they were, it was nothing over 5 minutes long. Kaycee would get flustered by the prominent adoration in his tone when he spoke to her. That's when she'd make the excuse that work was calling or her internet was having problems. Anything to escape the hold Sean had on her. As for his texts, her responses would be vague, extremely vague.
"Well what am I supposed to do?! Call him and say, 'Hey Sean, I ruined the vibe because I'm scared of the mere thought of being intimate with you.' Are you kidding me, Bails?" Kaycee exclaimed. Her best friend scoffed in her ear hopelessly.
"Listen Kayc, Sean really cares about you. I'm sure of it. Just talk to him! Don't push him away. He's nothing like-" She began to say, but Kaycee knew where she was going with her statement all too well.
"Yeah yeah, I get it." The brunette groaned. "I'll ask to meet with him tomorrow." She declared. Bailey's statement of approval was cut short when Kaycee heard a soft knock on her door. "One second!" She shouted, jumping up from the couch.
As she looked through the peephole, she saw a familiar head of black hair tied in a messy bun. Seeing Sean alone made a quick shiver go down her spine. The frantic girl leaned her forehead on the door whilst raising the phone to her ear. "Bailey, Sean's here. I'll talk to you soon."
"Okay! Don't get pregnant! Love you, muah!" She exclaimed enthusiastically over the phone before hanging up. Kaycee sighed heavily, letting the slightly chipped white paint on the door cool her forehead. She put her device in the pocket of her oversized beige hoodie, then unlocked and opened the door for Sean. He turned around, meeting her forest-like eyes. Instantly, a smile took place on his lips.
"Hey." Sean greeted her with a soft smile. Two strands of hair hung to frame his face, complimenting his dark orbs effortlessly. His skin glistened due to the slight mist of rain shower. Kaycee kindly stepped to the side to let him in to which he brushed past her calmly, giving her a playful nudge on the way in.
She closed the door behind him, leaning against it in a drained manner. "Hi." The girl replied sheepishly as he sat down a to-go box on her counter. "So, um, I honestly don't really know why I came. I guess I just really wanted to see you and before I knew it, I was pulling into the parking lot." Sean chuckled softly, a blush forming on his cheeks, causing his lover's heart to flutter.
"No worries. You're welcome anytime. You know that." Kaycee said with a small smile while locking the door. Despite the sick feeling in her stomach, she meant every word. She turned to him due to his silence, just to see him staring back at her in return. "What is it?"
"I couldn't tell if that was sarcasm." He said slowly, causing her to burst into laughter. "No, Lew, I'm serious. You're fine." She reassured him, looking down at her fidgety hands.
"Thank you, but I feel like you haven't communicated that very well: That I'm welcome." Sean stated, voice stern and serious. There was not one chime of amusement or playfulness. "You're not telling me something and to be honest, it's really fucking with me. I want to know why you're pulling away." Trust Sean Lew to be blunt, ladies and gentlemen. If Sean could tell her the root of his claim, he would but he didn't want to scare the girl.
However, the truth was that Sean hated how she lied to him. He knew from that day in the car and every day afterward that something changed in Kaycee. It made him sick to think that he could have been the cause of the shift in her affections towards him. It completely drove him crazy, so much that he barely slept or ate. He just felt, well...empty. He completely succumbed to the fact he'd completely fallen for the woman in front of him.
Kaycee, on the other hand, was greatly caught off guard by his statements and truthfully, a bit frightened. The moment she had the courage to look up, his face held a somber expression. It blew her mind that he noticed. Honestly, she never thought he would. Even though she wanted to talk to him, Kaycee broke it to herself that he would let her drift.
Sean walked steadily towards her, his footsteps filled with authority as his shoes clapped against the tile. Once the downhearted man reached her, he raised his hands to her face complimented with the rosiness of her cheeks. Kaycee flinched slightly, causing a gasp to flee from Sean's mouth as his hands settled on her jaw, cupping her face. She instantly kicked herself for even thinking for a split second that Sean would touch her with disdain. "I just wanted you to look at me. If I hurt you and that's what's making you avoid me then I'm sorry." He stated sincerely, his eyes softening.
Once she flinched, Sean's head filled with so many questions. There was so much he still needed to know about her and one of those things would be what caused her to flinch at him. He almost wanted to throw this topic out of the window and unpack her trauma, but he wouldn't dare push her past her limits like that.
"Say something." He pleaded after a couple beats of silence.
A deep breath left Kaycee's body in an attempt to calm her nerves. "You didn't do anything- Well, you did but it wasn't anything bad. I just got in my head so if anything I'm the one who should be apologizing." She stated, leaning into him. His touch was the most comfort she felt in a long time. Even though she wanted to pull away, she couldn't do it. His warmth was nearly healing to her.
"I got scared and a bit embarrassed, so I just...shut down. I knew I wanted to talk to you, but I just didn't know how. I didn't want you to think everything was your fault." The shy girl confessed while looking up at him.
"Well, whatever you're afraid of, don't be. It's not worth the frustration." Sean shrugged. He knew it was kind of dumb to say, but he just wanted to take her frustrations away. Everything that got in the way of the concept of them being together, he wanted it gone.
"That's easier said than done, Sean." Kaycee pointed out, backing away from him momentarily. "I can't just forget and drown things out. It's not that easy."
"I understand that, Kayc. I just don't understand why it was so easy to drown me out." He argued with a frown. His eyes were full of sorrow, distant even. She looked away once she felt the pang his words caused in her chest. Her frustration built when she noticed the harshness of his words. "It's not like that and you should know that."
"How am I supposed to when you aren't communicating that?" Sean asked, burning holes into her face.
"I've been trying my best." Kaycee argued, slightly raising her voice while running her hand through her brown wavy locks.
"Sometimes your best isn't good enough, Kaycee." Sean snapped, letting her go. "I'd really just appreciate it if you were honest with me!" He said, now raising his voice. Kaycee felt a rising in her throat, almost as if she were about to vomit. Her chest tightened even more as his words set in. He paced to the counter slowly, leaning over it with his back to the defeated girl.
"Come to think of it, are you even honest with yourself?" Sean pressed. His voice was almost menacing, painfully low. He was getting agitated. It was like once he got close to something in his life, something else always held him back. But the difference was that this time he was all in, yet he still had to wait for her to reach him.
"I'm not doing this. Not now and not with you." She sighed harshly. This was one of the last things she ever wanted to do: argue with Sean. In her head, he was on the untouchable pedestal of greatness and she never wanted her anger to touch it. She went to use the bathroom but didn't reach it as Sean grabbed and lifted her, putting her down in one of the stools at the counter. Before Kaycee knew it, he had her cornered and trapped in the cage he formed with his body.
"You see?! That's your problem, Kaycee. You run. You run from questions, from me, to that field with the stars! You're running away. Why?" Sean declared, looking at Kaycee in her now glossy eyes.
"Sean.." She breathed out in frustration. He was over his limit. He was getting too close. She was growing to hate that he was so smart and observant. Even without her wanting to, he could feel her fading. "Don't 'Sean' me. Answer me. You run and lie. You've been lying to your friends who you go to with your problems and you're lying to yourself." He argued. The feeling in Kaycee's chest was getting even more intense. She wanted to explode; either that or have the world swallow her entirely. In this moment, there was nothing she wouldn't give to not have this conversation with Sean.
"Sean, just leave!" Kaycee exclaimed, trying to break free from his cage.
"No. Why are you lying? What are you so afraid of?" He asked, and now all worked up. She slouched in her seat, letting her pounding head rest in her hands as her tears started falling. She felt the heat radiating off of Sean's body. With that, she couldn't tell if he was really this upset or if he was taking anger from another part of his life and directing it towards her. Regardless, Kaycee just wanted it to stop. "Talk to me, Kaycee!" He shouted.
Her head slowly raised, soon locking eyes with her partner. "What do you want me to say?" She sighed in agitation. Tears streamed down her cheeks which she calmly wiped away. Kaycee couldn't blame him for being upset because she was more than positive that she'd react in a fairly similar way, being that she was crazy about the man in front of her. She wished he didn't shout as it raised her anxiety, but she swallowed her pride. 'I made him like this.' She told herself over and over.
"The truth. That's all I'm asking for." He said with exhaustion laced in his voice, rubbing his eyelids. Sean truthfully didn't expect that from himself. It was like Kaycee unlocked a toxic and passionate side to him that he didn't know was there. In the end, he just wanted her completely and he needed her to see that. Kaycee nodded slowly as she took in his wish.
After letting out a long exhale, the woman began to speak.
"Okay. Here it is: You're right. I do lie and I do run. I lied and said I was fine because I didn't want you to think anything was your fault...In reality, it is all your fault. I ran from you because you make me feel good. I ran because you make me feel understood and safe. I run because I know you already treat me better than any other guy I've ever met. For the past few days, I lied to myself every day and told myself that I'm not falling for you. I'd tell myself that you're bad for me and that eventually you'll do something to make me hate you, but the truth is, no matter what you do I'll fall even harder for you. I'm scared that one day I'll be in love with you and want you forever. One day I'll be completely understood and seen by you and that thought terrifies me because you could use it against me." She stated calmly with her hands folded in her lap.
Kaycee made sure her eyes never left his, wanting him to understand every word. She sniffled before wiping her eyes once again.
"Avoiding you was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. It wasn't easy and it will never be. So yes, I lied because that's what kept me sane, Sean. And please understand that I am sorry for shutting you out and hurting you in the process, but it's what I'm used to." Kaycee finalized.
Her index finger and thumb twisted the slightly loose ring around her ring finger while she awaited Sean's response. Indeed, he was frozen. He didn't know if he wanted to hug her apologetically, kiss her in reassurance, or get mad that she went through the hypothetical situation that he would betray her trust.
Kaycee hopped out of her chair and went to her bathroom, leaving Sean in her dining area. She used this moment to blow her nose and wash her face with cool water to clean up her appearance. Once she stood up straight from her rinse, she grabbed her navy blue face towel, patting her face dry gently.
What she didn't know was that Sean was leaning on the door frame a foot away from her. His eyes held adoration and guilt for the woman. After two short months, he'd been so overwhelmed with work and stress, but Kaycee took it all away every time. But this time, she was the reason for his headaches and still, he wanted her to take it away.
Once Kaycee hung her towel in its designated place, she turned to find Sean watching her every move. She instantly averted her gaze and then directed it to her feet, ashamed for hurting him. Sean internally scoffed and walked towards her with those same heavy steps.
To Kaycee's surprise, she felt Sean's hand entangle with hers. Her head snapped up quickly, meeting his fixated stare. He smiled softly before bringing her into his arms completely. "I'm your angel, not your teddy bear." She teased playfully, burying her face in Sean's chest.
He chuckled while letting his veiny hand massage her scalp and the other rub her back soothingly. "You can be a bit of both." He responded, looking down at his treasure. They swayed rhythmically to their own made up tempo while holding each other for a couple moments.
While being engulfed in Sean's warmth, Kaycee thought about how she almost let him go for good. If she didn't say anything, if she didn't open the door, to both her heart and apartment, Sean would have fell through her hands.
"Do you still want me to leave?" He asked, lost in her warmth. One thing he never thought he'd do is make Kaycee cry but this is where they were now. They both found it scary, yet they welcomed it with open arms that they had such an influential impact on each other.
Kaycee snuggled more into him as a silent 'no', smiling to herself in the process.
Sean pulled away slowly, but nevertheless, held Kaycee in the same manner. His lips brushed against hers teasingly, causing Kaycee to squeal and attempt to pull away, the butterflies in her stomach betraying her. He laughed wholeheartedly before grabbing the side of her neck with an assertive grasp.
Kaycee gasped at the act, but more at the fact that she enjoyed his act of dominance. "I'm sorry I yelled at you." Sean sighed. It was now his turn to
avert his gaze.
"I deserved it. I lacked communication." The woman shrugged, still leaning into her partner.
"And I lacked respect. It's not okay for me to yell at you, Kayc, ever. Don't let me. Don't even yell back, just slap me or something next time." He said sternly, which caused Kaycee to giggle.
"It's not funny." He claimed with a straight face. She recovered from her giggles, looking up at him. "It kind of is, but look at us! This is our first milestone, an obstacle that we just completed. It only gets better from here, moon." Kaycee exclaimed with enthusiasm. She swayed with Sean once again while he comprehended her words. He visibly relaxed, relief running through his veins.
"And still, you amaze me." He stated, while letting his thumb caress her jaw. Kaycee beamed at his words before he captured her lips gently. She felt a stir in her stomach as he kissed her. He picked her up and brought her to the couch and now she was sitting on his lap bridal style. The kiss grew with passion, love, and just a sprinkle of lust. They ignited each other and now neither one of them had the intent of stopping.
Kaycee's hands made their way up his shirt, which gave Sean his own butterflies. Her fingers lightly stroked his toned abs, which Kaycee fantasized about but she would never admit that, not even to her best friends. Sean's hands gently caressed her exposed legs and grazed her thighs lightly with his fingertips.
She couldn't help but be fascinated by the impact his touch had on her. From kissing to touching, Kaycee couldn't deny the small pool he was forming in between her legs. She needed a break from his lips, so she lowered her target and began kissing and nibbling his neck.
An immediate pleasurable sigh left Sean as he felt her lips make the attack. Her name left his lips breathlessly as she maneuvered her way to finding his weak spot. He didn't want to succumb to such an unholy act, not until Kaycee verbally said she wanted to. He noticed his subconscious grip on her thigh was firm and warm.
She clenched her legs to make the gentle throbbing go away, but that was only half the problem. Hearing Sean's rugged breathing and faint moans in her ear due to her touch made her want to go crazy. It sounded melodic and a bit restrained, which made her heart beat out of her chest.
Her kisses and small nibbles were gentle and anything but innocent, and it threw Sean for a loop. He had no idea the woman he was falling for could appear so innocent but be this desirable, pleasuring better half.
Kaycee's hands were setting Sean on fire and all he wanted was for her to be closer, for them to be flesh to flesh, but he wanted to respect her. He wanted to cherish her for as long as possible before he ruined her. So he made Kaycee lie on her back while he guided her off his neck. He hovered over her with his heat rolling off him.
"We need to stop." Sean panted into her neck. Kaycee didn't even hear what he was saying. His heavy breaths hitting her neck gave her too much of a visual of what it'd be like to proceed with their unholy act and quite frankly, it made her want him even more. She was no longer questioning the thought anymore; she knew that they were meant for it now. The throbbing between her legs was intensifying by the minute and Sean laying his leg between hers was only deepening the wound.
"I'm sorry. I got a little carried away." Kaycee apologized, letting her hand get lost in his hair. It was no longer in a bun, it now fell over his shoulders and was brushing against Kaycee's neck. He looked like a walking god as he glanced at her knowingly. "Me too, Kayc." He chuckled before laying his head back on her shoulder.
"The guy I'm seeing is just really...stimulating." She smiled while staring at her cream-colored ceiling. Sean looked up at her surprisingly hungry eyes, instantly blushing at the matter. He carefully released himself from her hold and took his own trip to the bathroom to release his high.
Kaycee controlled her breathing carefully as she sat up from her spot, still in a trance. She shuffled over to the counter, knowing that food is the one thing that could get her desire for Sean off her mind. She opened the box of cupcakes that Sean had brought her and unleashed her hunger in a different manner. Lost in her thoughts, she couldn't hear her partner's muffled moans in the bathroom as he imagined their previous actions leading to something else.
Sean knew he'd scold himself later for doing such a thing but right now, he was desperate. As he roughly thrusted into his hand, he imagined Kaycee being on the receiving end of his release, waiting for it with the same hungry eyes she had on her couch. Her name left his mouth breathlessly as he reached his peak, emptying his load into the toilet.
"What are you doing to me, Kaycee Rice?" He whispered to himself, resting his head on the cool door.
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