You know that feeling you get sometimes in the morning when you feel like you're about to make some stupid mistakes today but you're definitely not going to care? Yes, that's how I woke up this morning. An adrenalin rush pumps through my vein while I take a shower. Before the end of today, I'm going to end up with one more enemy and another reason to hate myself.
I wish I could find out early who is going to get hurt and apologize to them before hand for my completely heartless personality. But knowing me, the guilt will only last a couple of seconds. How can I spend my life feeling guilty for other people when I already have so much of that for my own self?
"I think he can do so much better," a voice startles me as my black long sleeves shirt goes over my head. I freeze momentarily before my mind connects with the situation.
Them again.
"Don't say it like that," Sarah says. "If someone is listening they might think you don't want us here."
"You have to say it with gusto and confidence." Kenny's laughter reminds me of the evil queen in Snow White. She is definitely after my heart, too.
"Can you guys please go away? This is my dad's house, there's nobody for you to "protect" me from, here." I begin to brush my hair with a mirror in one hand and a small brush in the other.
"That's where you're wrong, baby girl." Sarah's voice regains its soothing rhythm. "There's always danger looming around the corner. That's why we can't leave you alone."
"Not even for a second," Kenny stresses.
"How can you protect me and try to kill me at the same time?" My voice doesn't vibrate but I can feel the panic like a thick veil enveloping me.
"Rachel, enough already. We've talked about this how many times now?"
"I still don't understand."
"We can't force you to do anything."
"We simply make some suggestions that we think could change your life for the better."
"Don't you mean suggestions that could end my life?"
"Enough!" Sarah shouts so loud that my brush falls off my hands. The sound echoes inside my head for a couple seconds before leaving behind a trail of bitterness.
"Do you really think you're living the good life, Rachel?" Her anger tightens everything inside of my body. My brain is literally screaming in pain just by hearing the amount of frustration dripping out of her mouth. "Besides what everyone think, your life is a living hell and you know it. Nobody gives a damn about you except us. I don't see why we have to have this conversation every day. If you had listen to us since the first day and done everything properly, you'd be in heaven by now instead of sulking around and wearing long sleeves shirts to hide the scars. You wouldn't even have the scars in the first place."
I uncover one of my arms and run my fingers through my scars. Some of them are almost gone now but there are still the fresh ones. The ones I've made only a few weeks ago. Those scars represent my endless attempts to end the suffering. Some of them are actual attempts to take my life which only help into me taking another trip to the emergency room, lying my way through every questions the personnel ask.
The others are just me trying to see my skin bleed, feel the sadness flow out of my veins. Watching the red liquid escaping my self-inflicted wounds always temporarily free my mind of everything. But it's just that – temporary.
"I don't want to die," I whisper under my tears.
"Who said you're going to die?" I turn around faster than The Flash when I hear Jenny behind me.
She stands in the doorway wearing a long blue sundress and white flats. Her eyes don't falter from mine as she awaits for my answer.
I flush at the thought of someone listening to my conversation with my inner voices. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Were you eavesdropping on me?"
"I was passing by and happened to hear you talking to someone but the thing is," she walks further inside the room with her arms on her hips, "there's nobody else in here."
"I was just singing alone to my music," I answer nonchalantly. I restart brushing my hair to avoid looking at her but my shaking hands are making the task harder than it usually is.
Without preamble, she turns me around to face her. "What the hell?" I push her back.
"Don't lie to my face, Rachel. I've seen this before. I know the signs."
"What are you talking about?"
She grabs one of my arms in a tight grip, "This is what I'm talking about." I look down at my arms to find the sleeves still up with all of my scars in full display.
I quickly cover myself up, "I fell." That doesn't sound believable even to my own hears.
She lifts her brow, "You fell in the exactly same position multiple times with enough force to slice your skin open like a blade?"
"I'm extremely clumsy."
"I see," she moves onto my bed. With her legs cross, she stares at me with concerned eyes. That's the part I've dreaded since forever, when someone looks at me with such pity. She's probably feeling bad for me – poor kid, so young and already losing her mind.
"When exactly have your falls started?"
"Why do you care?" My stare drifts off to my naked feet.
"I don't but I'm a nurse so it's in my nature to want to help anyone."
"I don't believe you."
She laughs at me. "I don't believe you, either. But I'm willing to not tell your dad if you let me help you."
"Who said I need your help?"
"You're "falling" and talking to yourself more often than a healthy person is supposed to. So, I'm guessing that you're pretty desperate for someone's help."
"I'm perfectly fine and I don't talk to myself. I told you, I was singing along to some music."
"It didn't sound like you were singing."
"I don't really care about what you think so now get out of my room." My stare doesn't waver from hers.
"I'm only trying to help."
"I don't need your help. I don't need anybody's help so get out now."
She gets off the bed with an exasperated sigh. "If you change your mind which I know you will. You know where to find me."
I throw the brush toward the door when she finally closes it. I want to scream so badly but that's just going to give her another reason to try to be a Good Samaritan. I know she's just trying to win me over so my dad would marry her. If she thinks she's going to win that easily, she has another thought coming.
"You need to get rid of her," Kenny says.
"She's a liability. She's going to get you in trouble," Sarah affirms.
"I know that but how? It's not like dad's just going to break up with her for no reason." I run my sweaty fingers through my hair undoing all the brushing I just spent more than ten minutes doing.
"Then give him a reason."
"What?"
"Make up something. It's not like it's the first time you're lying to get what you want."
I lie back down on the bed. What has my life come to that now I have to break someone else's happiness to protect some stupid voices in my head?
"Watch the language, young lady." Sarah scolds me.
"Stop talking," I groan.
"Fine. Just start working on your story already," she says before they both quiet down.
Alone at last, I breathe.
Now, I need to think. How hard can it possibly be to get rid of my father's new girlfriend? It shouldn't be that hard. I know my dad's a protector. He's been trying to do more than he's capable of just to protect me because he wasn't able to win me in court. So, I just have to convince him that Jenny is a danger to me. With the way that girl has been acting since we first met, it's not going to be hard at all.
But I need something more to make my dad believes that he's endangering my life by staying with her. Something that creates distrust between them.
The morning passes by in a blur with me cramming my head for an idea. Before I know it, dad shows up from work.
"You know the reason behind me coming here during the week is for us to be able to spend time together, right?" I tease as he takes out his gun then take it apart for safety measures.
"I'm sorry, honey, but it's been a busy week so we need every pair of hands we need on the job. It seems like criminals in San Francisco have taken this week as their official break-all-laws holiday."
"Don't worry, I understand. I just wish you wouldn't leave me alone here with...her," I jerk my head toward his bedroom where Jenny is soundly asleep.
"She's not going to hurt you."
"How sure are you about that? The woman scares me. I woke up today and found her standing in the middle of my room staring at me."
My dad chuckles, "Your mind is probably playing trick on you. Jenny may seems scary to most people but trust me she's a sweetheart."
"Who's a sweetheart?" Jenny passes by me and hugs my dad. I avert my eyes from them not wanting to punch her. That would not help my cause.
"Were you guys talking about me?" She says still with her arms still hanging around my dad's neck. I'm going to need a really good lie and fast.
"Don't you just wish?" I mumble under my breath.
"I'm sorry. What did you just say, Rachel? I didn't catch it?"
"I didn't say anything."
"Are you sure because I could swear I heard you say something?"
I smile innocently at her, "I think you're hearing voices, Jenny. You should definitely see a psychiatrist about that."
My dad laughs but Jenny's not amuse.
"I'm going to my room now to leave you guys to do whatever old people do," I say backing toward my bedroom.
"We're not that old," my dad says.
"Keep telling yourselves that," I shout as I close the door.
Half an hour later, I fling it open in a hysterical fit. I start to open and close cabinets, fling anything in my hands over my shoulders, and groaning in frustration.
"Dad, dad, dad where are you?" I scream still knocking everything in my way on the floor.
He comes running out of his room, "What's wrong?" He immediately goes inside my room then he comes back looking more confused than when he went in. "Why's your room upside down?"
"I can't find my journal."
He massages his neck with a heavy sigh. It's without a doubt not what he expected when he rushed out of his room. "It's probably in your room, honey. Just check again."
"No, it's not. I checked everywhere, it's not there."
"When did you last see it?"
"This morning in my room. I left it on my bedside table but now I can't find it." I go back to throwing stuff but my dad reaches to get the plate out of my hands.
"Let's stop breaking stuff okay. My salary is not as big as Steven's."
My journal momentarily leaves my mind at the mention of Steven's name but I recover quickly.
"Who else was inside your room besides you?"
"Nobody came into my room. I was alone except..." I stop talking realizing who my mind is drifting off to.
"Except who Rachel?"
"Jenny," I say simply. I drop my head down then lift my eyes to watch my dad's shoulders slump down.
"Jenny had nothing to do with your journal disappearing. Think again."
My head pops up, "But she was the only one inside my room besides me."
"Maybe you misplaced the journal. Check again."
"I check twice already. It wouldn't hurt to ask her."
"Rachel," he warns.
"Let's just ask her," I pressure.
"Fine, I'll ask her." He walks to his bedroom and seconds later yells are coming out. I breathe in the scent, I can feel the hate tonight.
Jenny opens the door with a dead stare at me, "Seriously? That's all you can come up with?"
"I-I don't know what you're talking about," I stutter. I begin to back out a little frightened by her. It's not every day I have to confront a 5'8''tall black woman with anger issues.
"Come," she beckons me toward her. I look at my dad for approval. He nods. "Come on Rachel, I don't have all night."
I walk to her with my heart in my hand. It seems like the closer I get the taller she becomes.
"Go in," she says when I stop close to her. I slowly walk inside, my eyes still on her. "Check."
"What?" I ask in disbelief.
"You think I stole your journal for God knows what reason so check." I hesitate but then I got over it.
"I don't think we should do this." My dad moves back in the room looking worried.
"No, Joshua. Let her search for her journal since she's so sure I took it."
"She's just a kid."
"Oh no, she's not. She knows exactly what she's doing. What are you waiting for? Start looking."
I walk over the bedside table and search through it. I continue on to the bathroom but come out empty handed. Then I open the closet and begin to throw clothes out.
"Okay, that's enough. Let's go check your room again, Rachel."
"Found it," I call out. I close the closet door and show them the little black journal with my name written in bold white letters on the cover. In the other hand, I hold the handbag that contained it.
I watch Jenny's brown eyes darken in an instant. My dad freezes in the middle the room. He doesn't seem to know what to do in this situation.
"I told you she took it. She was the only one inside my room today."
"You gotta be kidding me." Jenny screams then she turn to my dad, "Joshua, can't you see what's happening? Seriously, say something. She's getting out of control."
"How did it get in your bag, Jenny?" My dad asks accusatory.
"I don't freaking know. She probably put it there. I'm a grown woman, you really think I have time to steal a teenage girl's journal. And for what? Why on earth would I take her journal and hide it?"
"I don't know but you gotta admit it's strange that we found it inside your bag."
"SHE found it in there only because she put it there in the first place. Really Joshua? You're a crime investigator. Investigate."
"Rachel, I think you should go to your room." He doesn't have to tell me twice. I tuck the journal under my arms and hurry out the door. But she grabs me before I can get out completely.
"I was trying to help you," she whispers to me.
"You're hurting me," I whine.
Dad steps in, grabbing her arms away from me. "Jenny, let her go."
Once I'm out of her grip, I run to my room and jump in my twin bed. My heart is beating faster than I thought ever possible. I watch the moon settle in the dark sky through the window facing me. A slight breeze blows the baby blue drapes in my direction. What have I done?
"Rachel!" I hear my dad's voice coming from behind the door.
"Yes," I sit down as he pushes it open.
He closes it behind him then take a deep breath. I watch his troubled eyes open then close before he finally opens them again to take a good look at me. "Did you do it?"
"What?" I shoot off the bed. "How can you possibly say that? You're taking that woman's side now?"
"I'm not taking anybody's side. It's just...I just really wanted you guys to get along." His voice catches.
"It's not my fault," I whisper.
"I know, but maybe she didn't mean it. Maybe it was just an accident."
"It wasn't just an accident. The woman scares me dad."
"You got it all wrong, baby girl."
"No, I don't. I'm scared of her." I inch closer to him, enough for him to see my red eyes.
"Oh, God." He tugs me to him. "I'm sorry, honey."
"You're supposed to protect me, dad. But her being around me doesn't make me feel safe." I break down into sobs. "You promised, dad."
"I know, I know." He pats me in the back then leaves without another word.
I curl up in bed sobbing. A couple of seconds later, shouts resonate from the other room. It's quickly followed by the loud bang of the front door.
And that's how you break your father up with his nosy girlfriend. Am I not supposed to feel better now? Because all I could think of is the despair in my dad's eyes.
What have I done?
I guess I have found my other reason to hate myself.