For weeks now, an itch underneath Ashton's skin refused to leave. When everything seemed normal and his days would go by undisturbed, the looming thought of something being amiss clouded his head, itching and picking at his brain that something -he didn't know what- was undoubtedly wrong. Frankly, with his midterms just around the corner, he had no time for his anxiety to spike up when he couldn't even single out one instance where there was an indication of the danger his brain so highly insists on existing.
He tries his best to push his thoughts to the farthest corner of his mind and he does what he needs to; he tries to attend class every day, works through the long hours of assignments upon assignments that keep stacking up, and even attempts studying ahead of time for his upcoming exams, not that it worked but he at least gave an effort. But every time he feels himself reel over to actually believing nothing was wrong, his thoughts tug on his mind like pieces of thread until he's caught up in the same cycle of remembering and trying to forget.
Groaning in frustration at the sinking feeling in his chest, he closes his textbook and lays his head down, cheek pressed against the cold front cover. If his mind would just focus on the actual problem at hand, he'd be able to understand the words he had been skimming over the last hour. The uneasy feeling and the repetitive thoughts were aggravating him due to the fact that he had not a single clue why he was feeling the way he was. It was as if his mind was playing games with him just to piss him off.
Beside him, Theo raises a brow at his actions as Marley stifles a laugh. "I didn't realize studying happens with the textbook closed." Theo jokingly says, receiving a glare in response from the brunette who still had his face down. If you had to ask him, Ashton had not a single clue what he had done in his past life to warrant such terrible best friends.
"I don't get it, you've been so out of it for the last four hours we've been here. Why'd you agree to come to the study session if you were just going to sulk for whatever reason." Marley asks, head on her knuckles as she stares fondly at the exasperated boy. The original plan; as the trio had discussed for the past week, rummaging through each other's schedules to fix a time where they would all be available together, was to meet at the school's library and just cram whatever they had learned in the last six weeks together at an attempt of staying productive.
However, as soon as they got to the library and collectively brought out their books, Ashton's head began to spin with his reoccurring thoughts again. He tried, as usual, to push them away so he could actually get some work done and revise but the nagging feelings just stayed constant.
In all honesty he felt like he was going insane.
"That was the plan, yes. I don't know, I told you guys, something's up with my brain. Absolutely nothing is wrong and I know that but for some reason, I just can't seem to focus on anything these days." He sighs, lifting his head from the book only to lean back against the chair.
"If your brain is pestering you that much, I'd say listen to it. You never know, maybe it's not wrong after all." Theo replies, eyes not leaving the computer screen as he furiously typed away on his chem report. The deadline was tonight and he was only three pages short of completing it, considering he waited til last night to actually start it, Ashton was more than impressed with how much he had done in such short amount of time.
"I hope it is, nothing good would come out of it if something is actually wrong." he silently prayed each time his brain went haywire that it was just false alarms. It was the part of his memories he had buried deep into the crevices of his mind, which had lately been going off like an emergency signal, making him wonder if there might be any truth to it all like Theo had suggested.
"Have you spoken to your therapist lately?" Marley questions, eyes furrowed in concern.
Ah yes, his therapist.
Spencer -or more professionally known as- Dr. Walker, was a very complicated relationship he didn't really know how to explain. Technically yes, she was a licensed therapist and he saw her quite often but to say that she was his therapist would be slightly wrong. Spencer was, as he liked to refer her as, his last connecting string to the memories he tried so diligently to suppress. She was the only person who knew him truly, and therefor, the only person he could trust without a doubt. She could recognize the falters in his movements, the crease in his brows whenever he was frustrated, and the wavers in his voice whenever he was worried.
The two had a long history and in a way, Spencer was like family. They only had each other to remind themselves of what they came from and so, they stuck together for most of his life in the states. When he had moved for grad school, she followed right behind and it was easy to just pronounce her as his therapist. It wouldn't be so far off seeing as she did offer him advice whenever he had the occasional sweat breaking nightmare and they met quite frequently to keep each other updated about everything.
They had meetings every Tuesdays and Thursdays, right before his Health Psych lectures at noon. In all honesty, he had refrained from discussing about his recent matters with Spencer only because he knew what she was going to say. She had always been a bit more paranoid, reminding him to watch his back or lecturing about the proper necessities to keep at home. If she heard about his disturbing feeling, she'd pack them up and take the next flight out of the city be it the same night.
And there was absolutely no way in hell, Ashton would leave three quarters into his second semester off a stupid, probably wrong, chance. Even if, it had been reoccurring for weeks on end.
"Haven't had the chance, these exams have had me locked in my apartment for days with the amount of material I need to cram." he responds, truthfully. Okay, maybe not entirely truthfully, more like sixty percent. Truth to be told, the majority of the time he should have been studying, he would just end up staring off into space, too caught up in the what-if scenarios that kept running in his mind. So technically yes, his exams have had him buried in his textbooks for days but he did have lots of other opportunities. Unfortunately at the last minute, something just always came up.
In other words, he would set up a date and time to go and would back out at the last minute. He would start out overconfident, knowing exactly what to say too, but his anxiety would just deplete any last shred of bravery he had. It was safe to just stay at home where he knew he wouldn't accidentally blare out something he knew she wouldn't take too kindly.
If there was anything that even remotely frightened him, it was the wrath of one Spencer Walker.
"Ashton, how many times have I told you? You really need to prioritize yourself more. These exams are important, yes. But studying can wait two hours for you to go and talk to someone." Marley sighs, frustrated. He decided he'd rather not inform her of the actuality of his 'studying'.
"Besides, it's not like you're getting any studying done with how you've been just staring off into space. It'd do you some good to actually get your stuff situated, maybe you can actually get some work done then." Theo continues, with a slight hint of mocking in his tone. With a taunting laugh at how Ashton's face contorted upon hearing his response, he once again goes back to adjusting the final touches of his paper, no longer giving them attention. However, it didn't stop Ashton from chucking a piece of rolled up paper at his head.
"Listen, I will when I have the chance. But for now, let me just wallow in misery. I have a lab for micro due tonight and I haven't even started." Ashton presses, trying to change the course of the conversation. His friends were right but he'd had enough of them berating him for now, he was just not in any mood to be put on the spot no matter how correct the allegations were.
"If you actually start your assignments on time and attend lecture like you're supposed to, this would not be happening. There was that repeating voice telling you all week to start the lab and oh wait, that was me." Marley accuses, once again completely correct.
That was on him, he'll admit. He was not the best at keeping his attendance rate up. He won't lie, he had attended classes just not the boring lectures he knew would be uploaded anyway. However, attendance aside, like he had since middle school, he kept a tendency to push most important assignments til the very last day. In his defense, he did well under pressure.
Except for currently, of course.
Before he could even think of a argument to say back, he was stopped by the sound of a familiar, very much appreciated, voice.
"Hello, my beautiful children." Mason greeted as he walked over to their table with two bags filled with what he could only assume as-
"Food, fucking finally. We've been waiting for so long, where were you?" Marley asks, not giving her brother the chance to sit before she starts rummaging in the bags to take out the white takeout boxes. The three of them, or rather two, had been studying for the last couple of hours and a break was most certainly needed. Now that Ashton thought about it, he didn't remember the last time he ate. It had been so long with him tirelessly attempting to study he didn't realize how truly long it had been.
"Well, my econ lecture ran a little longer than expected and by the time I got to the restaurant, it was already rush over." Mason explained, grabbing a box as he sat in the empty seat next to Ashton.
Unlike the three of them, Mason wasn't necessarily so worried about studying. While the three of them were smart, sure, Mason was the type of genius that you would consider gifted. Despite being a sort-of a heartthrob back in high school, the older boy was immensely clever and more than half of the time, didn't need to invest much time into studying. While the three of them got amazing grades no doubt, they had to tirelessly study hours upon hours.
Mason is what you would call naturally gifted.
That being said, he was also the most relaxed guy you could ever meet, ready to go along with just about everything and anything you would ask him. Throughout the majority of their childhood, he stuck around the three of them as the guardian of sorts. If you needed him, he was there. However, the best thing about him was his ability to make any situation enjoyable. Which naturally, made him Ashton's favorite person.
"Thanks, Mase. Anyways, is it the one with Bennett? The one that runs ten-thirty to twelve-thirty? One of the girls in my health psych classes takes it too." Ashton asks, taking a bit of his chicken and rice, as always, it was simply perfection.
"I wish it was with Bennett, but no, it's with Logan. It's for computational analysis and it's usually from eleven-fifteen to one forty-five but since the exams comping up he had us stay until a bit after two." Mason explains, wiggling a packet of hot sauce between his hands before opening it and letting it cover the entirety of his platter. Unlike his sister, the older had an insane tolerance for spice and it caught Ashton off guard the first few times they had dinner together.
"Oh my god, I had Logan freshman year of undergrad! I'm still traumatized from the midterm that year, literally everyone in the class got below sixty that exam. Thankfully he wasn't the head of the department yet so Bennett made him curve the grades otherwise my gpa would've went down to the negatives with how bad I got." he found himself ranting, shuddering at the memory of that horrid exam.
He spent the following two days post-finding out his grade crying his eyes out from how utterly low it was. How on earth could you get a score so low? He remembers asking himself as he tried to differentiate between the scribbles and not entirely erased wrong answers on his test sheet. Astonishingly, an eighteen was not the lowest score and that somewhat eased his pain.
Truly, it was the exam from hell.
"Tell me about it, my last exam grade was an eighty three and that's possibly the lost I've had all year. All I know is, I need to pass this exam but one hundred percent, when those end of the year surveys go out, I'm going absolutely foul on Logan's. That man is probably the worst professor I've ever had and that's saying a lot, considering my luck with professors." Mason agrees, his eyebrows scrunched together in anger.
Dr. Logan was infamous across the school for being the worst professor known. He was especially strict about his policies, not caring for what you had going on in your personal life, he expected things to be done on his deadlines. Not only that, the only grades he counted were the three exams that included the midterm, final and the one between the two. If you failed one, you've already botched one third of your overall grade so passing was practically impossible. Students would vow to never take another class with him after having him once. Unfortunately though, he was the head of the economics and business department so a majority of the classes in those categories were ran by him.
"Everyday I thank mom and dad for persuading me into majoring in biochem instead of comp sci." Marley jokes, making Mason rolls his eyes before reaching out to grab some fries from the batch she was so keen on hogging.
"Whatever, when I'm forty and sipping margaritas on my private island, Logan will be a long forgotten fever dream." Mason rejoices and Ashton lets out a laugh at the idea.
"Or he'll be a constant nightmare when you're forty and still working an office job after failing the exam you haven't started studying for." Theo finally speaks up, having finally finished his assignment.
"That was harsh, babe. Don't you want me to succeed so that we can be the gay George and Amal, so rich we can do whatever we want?" Mason puts a hand to his heart, faking disappointment as Theo rolls his eyes.
For the long decade the trio had been friends, much of it was spent with Mason chasing after Theo. He had tried everything to peruse the younger brunette but Theo just wouldn't give in. Every time Mason would even attempt at a somewhat romantic gesture, Theo would shoot him down so fast and so horribly, it left the blonde feeling embarrassed more than anything. However, despite the many, and I mean many, rejections, Mason would not give up and at this point, Theo didn't have it in him to actually argue and would simply just roll his eyes at the antics.
Ashton laughed at the exchange, despite being used to it, it still brought him amusement.
"Anyways, I think after this study session I'm going to need a break from chemistry because I swear if I start dreaming about formulas again, I'm going to drop out." Marley declares, pinching the place between her eyes.
"Agreed." They all affirm.
The rest of the session goes by pretty slowly. After the four had finished eating, they went back to studying and although it was difficult, Ashton managed to squeeze some sections in as well. There was still the ringing in his head but he did his best, trying to drill in the fact that his exams were only a few days away. While it didn't miraculously get his brain to stop, it remained somewhat calm the remainder of the time.
He completed five whole assignments which he counted as a success after the weeks of half completing and half giving up on the coursework. Granted that they were only short tasks, it was satisfying to see he was able to accomplish anything at all. The little successes are just as important as the big ones, he supposes, starting on his lab report.
Out of the four of them, Theo had left first. He had finished the more important work and all that was left was looking over the powerpoint slides for a refresher before the actual exams. He was definitely the most productive of their group, having finished more assignments than all of them combined.
Ashton wasn't surprised by any means. Theo was always like that, when he put his brain to work he would weed himself out until everything was done and only then, would he take a break. He left about an hour and a half after Mason had arrived and with a promise of texting them all when he got home, he took off.
That left him with the pair of siblings.
They worked quietly in each other's company, too far into their own pile of commissions to focus on anything else. Short periods of time in between, the three would take a tiny break which consisted of just ranting about their predicaments before going back to them. It was comforting to say the least.
By the time the trio had agreed to conclude the session, the sun had already gone down and all that was left of the sky was the endless sea of black with the moon just peaking through. There was only a couple students left occupying the library and the campus seemed to be relatively empty, save for some of the night classes and the small group of students that were still revising. It had been two or three hours since Theo had left and more than ten hours since they had first met up and it would be an understatement to say they were all exhausted.
"A seventy is what I'm shooting for, anything above will be a blessing." Ashton remarks as they walk across the campus to the parking garage.
"Eh, at this point, I'd be satisfied with a sixty-five. Doesn't matter if that's barely passing." Marley comments.
"You guys keep your sixty's and seventy's, I'm going to hope for at least a ninety-five. Anyways, Ash do you want me to drop you off or did you drive?" Mason asks as they reach his grey civic.
"Thanks, but I drove." He politely declines, getting his keys out of his bag.
"Then I'll catch you later?"
"Tomorrow, probably. Breakfast at mine?"
"Sure, see you!"
"Bye, Ash!"
"Alright, bye guys!" He bids them farewell before turning the opposite direction to the second floor where his car was parked. The garage was always filled seeing as most of the graduate students commuted, living in one of the array of apartment buildings nearby. However right now with how late it was, it was mostly empty, aside from the couple of cars scattered around.
The drive to his apartment was about forty minutes and on a good day, would only take half that amount of time. His reason for having an apartment so far from campus was simple; security. It was better off for him and Spencer if there was a lesser chance of people knowing where he attended school.
It would spare him the time and effort of cleaning up any sort of mess it would leave to.
Walking into his apartment building, he greets the old receptionist lady and bends down to give a few pets to the small calico who was perched on the the top of her desk. His apartment was on the fourth floor and at the farther end of the hallway, on the opposite side of the elevator. It was a fairly nice apartment with two rooms, each with a bathroom of its own, and a sizable kitchen and living.
Stepping inside, he dropped his backpack on the couch and let out a stretch. He was worn out and while his mind was still quiet, he wanted to get a couple of hours of sleep in him. Spotting a lump on the couch, he sighed before making his way over.
"Just what are you doing awake at this hour, may I ask?" He questions, hands on his hip as the boy below him freezes, one hand trying to cover the screen of his phone and the other trying to hastily take out the earbuds pressed into his ears.
"Hey, Ash. What are you doing here? Thought you were sleeping over at Marley's?" the boy addresses, sounding nervous as he comes to view the glare on his guardian's face.
When he had left earlier that morning, Ashton remembers telling the boy there was a possibility he might sleep at the blonde girl's house and to not stay up too late. However, upon meeting his friends, he decided he'd rather just head home after all. What he had not expected, was to see his younger cousin still awake despite the long hour.
"Daniel, seriously. This is the fourth time this week that I see you playing video games when I've explicitly told you to be in bed. If I have to tell you again, I'm grounding you." He scolds sternly. Now, Ashton took pride in allowing the younger to do whatever he wanted so long as it was safe but seeing as he was entrusted in his care, he found himself having to play the parent sometimes.
The teenager glowers before shutting the phone off, letting it fall into the space next to him. Daniel was only a child, not even an adult yet so Ashton often spent nights worrying about him. When Ashton had come to the states, he had taken Daniel under his care and raised him as a younger brother.
Like the younger was very much aware, Ashton did not take to kindly to his orders not being followed. It wasn't like the kid wasn't allowed to stay up either, it was more on the subject of his latest grades. They hadn't been as great as he would've expected and as the sole guardian, Ashton was made aware by his teachers and the two had come to a conclusion that Daniel should lay off the video games for a while.
However, as it was the fourth time that week, it seemed like Daniel was just not in favor of listening.
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry, I admit." the blue haired boy apologized, his lips forming a small pout. Ashton hated the boy sometimes, he could just get away with everything with that pout of his. He hated himself for falling for it every time but at last, he just couldn't hold his anger very long with the kid.
"Alright, alright. Have you eaten, at least? Or do you want me to make you something real quick?" He asks, ruffling the dark blue locks. The boy grins, braces on display and Ashton just knows him too well to already know the answer.
"Can you please make some ramyeon, hyung?" Daniel asks and he sighs, nodding his head before walking back towards the kitchen where he began by taking out the ingredients. He quickly prepared two bowls worth and called the younger over before sitting down to eat together.
They conversed quietly about the day and Daniel quickly finished, yelling out a goodnight before running off to sleep. Ashton ate the rest of his food in peace and quiet before cleaning up the dishes and tidying the kitchen a bit. It was nice to have a couple moments to himself, just his thoughts in presence.
He went back to what Theo had suggested and figured he was probably right. Ultimately, he had decided that this had gone on far too long and it was interfering with his life too much. As soon as he could, he needed to figure things out because if things kept on the way they were, he was afraid of what might happen.
Letting his bedroom door close shut, he hastily changed out of his clothes and fell on his bed. The day had been extensive and he needed rest. Eyes fluttering asleep, he let himself doze off with a single thought in his mind.
Talk to Spencer at the earliest convenience.
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[word count: 4, 214 words]
A/N: Hello, once again. I'm sorry for the prolonged absence but there was a couple things I was working on and some fine tuning I needed to do with the plot. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I hope it made up for the long break which speaking of, thank you for all the love and support during my absence. I truly appreciate you guys so much. Also, I just wanted to let you guys know that the next chapter will hopefully be up sometimes late next week, I'm hoping for next Friday or Saturday but at the latest will be the beginning of March. Also, I've changed the name of Dominic's family from Harris to Sorrentino because I believed it was better suited. In addition, the term 'hyung' refers to older brother in korean and Daniel will use it throughout the story as a sign of respect. Anyways, thank you for everything and I'll see you guys next week most likely!