March 25th, 1979
I was in a place of complete whiteness. It wasn't scary, it was actually quite peaceful. I was walking until I stumbled across a field— yellow daisies.
I then saw a baby carriage. It was white. I then start to walk up to it. The closer I get to it, the farther away it gets.
I started to chase it, and realized I was getting nowhere. I then gave up on it, and whatever was in it.
I turn around, and the carriage was right in front of me. I walk up to it, and remove the blankets— only to find a bouquet of yellow daisies, and a note attached to it.
The note read "I'm sorry." I stared in confusion, as I began to feel a pain in my lower abdomen.
I then wake up, and something was different. I was having mild cramping pains, and I felt like something was wrong.
I was barely 2 months along...
I immediately knew what was going on as I went got up and felt a liquid trickle down my leg... blood.
I felt myself getting sadder and sadder as I walked to the bathroom. I knew what was going on, yet I wasn't willing to accept it.
I felt it. The baby's heartbeat, I just knew it wasn't there anymore. I could physically and emotionally feel the baby living through me, and I knew at that moment that wasn't happening.
I didn't know what to do. I wasn't in much pain, which was surprising. I was only hurting mentally, but I was taking it better than I expected.
I knew my chances of this happening, because of my condition, yet it still hurts. The hope I had.. I was so damn hopeful.
I let out a few whimpers, not being able to hold them in anymore.
"Babe?" I heard jimmy call out from our room. Shit.
The last thing I wanted was for him to wake up, and for me have to break the news.
He walked in, and saw me sitting there, in a small pool of blood.
I could see the look of confusion and hurt on his face. I gave a look of pity.
"Is..." he said, quietly, crouching down to feel my tummy.
We both knew... we both knew the pregnancy was risky, especially since my hormonal treatment wasn't quite finished yet.
"Shh." I told him, not wanting to accept reality quite yet.
He got up, and turned on the shower. " We'll go to the doctor right after this, okay?" He asked me. I shook my head yes, and began to get up.
I looked at the blood. "I'll clean it up, and pack a bag for us to go to the hospital." He told me calmly. I nodded, with tears in my eyes.
I didn't deserve him. He was such a kind man with a genuine heart. I know this was killing him, but all he cared about was me.
I stood in the shower, blood still slowly running down my leg, still. I was rubbing my stomach, as the dream i completely disregarded when I woke crept up into my mind... and the note
"I'm sorry"
"It's okay, baby... I know you tried." I whispered, to my stomach, before crying again.
I felt arms wrap around me, as Jimmy joined me. I turned around and faced him.
He was rubbing my tummy— our baby, with a pained expression on his face. It broke me... the sight.
We then hugged eachother, quietly sobbing into eachother's arms, knowing where we were headed after this shower.