It kept happening – the random wishes to kiss Lisa.
Jennie got better at holding them back for Lisa's comfort – she didn't need to be confused any further, and yet the more she suppressed the more distressed she felt. This sort of feeling she was very much acquainted with, and she loathed the reminder.
Is this her nineteen-year-old pining Jennie?
Must have been the worst year of my life.
Jennie swore she felt her present/future self smack her upside the head, add that to the demanding voice she heard, or sensed, or felt in her subconscious – one of those things, Jennie isn't sure which one - that seemed a lot like the present/future version of herself.
It was the best. You got Lisa Manoban.
The kisses may have stopped, but Jennie's already loose dialogue was another weakness.
She had been tired, guard especially down, when the alarm went off. It was who fucking knows o'clock in the morning and Liss had rehearsal from that awful hour because of her upcoming concert.
"Lisa – alarm," Jennie slurred sleepily as she shook Lisa's shoulder, the alarm on her side of the bed. She rolled over and pulled the duvet over her head, groaning into the pillow, "baby, turn it off."
Lisa stirred and slammed her hand down on the snooze button after a few unsuccessful attempts, mumbling groggily. "Mm, sorry."
Jennie was fairly sure Lisa had been too tired to even notice her slip up. The term of endearment had rolled off her tongue so nicely she had wanted to say it again. She bit said tongue.
-
"But Rosie, it's university holidays – "
"I said no. There is no way on this earth that I'd ever go on that roller coaster. No – no means no Kim Jisoo!"
Rosie was looking pale and nauseous. The last ride hadn't agreed with her so she was sitting the next one out. "I'll wait with Irene."
Jisoo groaned with exasperation as she faced the others. "You will right, Jennie?"
"Yeah, course." Jennie laughed as she eyed the main attraction of the amusement park and her heart beat faster with excitement. She loved the rush of adrenaline and flip in her stomach when she was in free fall. It was the best.
"Lisa, will you?"
Jennie turned to face Lisa who was standing beside Irene, looking like she wanted to be anywhere but in this conversation. "Um..."
"Please?" Jisoo begged. "Don't make us go by ourselves. We need you too!"
Jennie watched as hesitation filled Lisa's eyes, glancing up at the huge drop in the roller coaster. "But I hate heights and it's so..."
"Jennie will hold your hand." Jisoo teased and Lisa rolled her eyes, pink warming her cheeks.
Jennie shoved her hands into her jacket pockets and then blanched when she realised just how it seemed. Lisa looked away awkwardly and Jennie wanted to kick herself. She wouldn't mind holding Lisa's hand, to be quite honest. Her own face flamed at the thought.
"Fine, let's just – whatever." Lisa huffed.
The three of them lined up at the roller coaster and Lisa complained the entire time, nervously bouncing on her feet and chewing on her lip. By the time they got to the front of the line, she was shaking with nerves.
"Fuck, that's high." She gaped as she sat down beside Jisoo and Jennie, pulling the restraints down and gripping onto it tightly, knuckles white.
Jennie felt rather bad when she saw how terrified Lisa looked. "Lis, if you want to back out, now would be the time."
Lisa looked at her and then shook her head stubbornly, lips pressed nervously together.
The ride started and, as many roller coasters do, began the slow ascent up the track. Jisoo was already cheering and Jennie would be too if Lisa's tight expression wasn't in her periphery.
"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you Kim Jisoo." Lisa repeated as she squeezed her eyes shut. "What if the ride malfunctions – fuck, I hate you."
Jisoo scoffed and laughed.
Jennie could see they were almost at the top. She glanced hastily to Lisa and then decided to screw the weird feeling in the pit of her stomach. "Lisa."
The girl opened her eyes, with supressed panic. "Mm?"
"Here." Jennie opened her palm and Lisa stared at her silently, surprised. "We're about to plunge down in a few seconds."
Lisa squeaked and gripped her hand, clammy and sweaty but tight and Jennie felt a warmness spread throughout her body that was better than the adrenaline kick.
"Don't let go, please." Lisa pleaded as she shut her eyes again.
Jennie chuckled. I won't.
Never
-
Jennie chewed on her lip as she blankly stared at the cards in her hands. The numbers and colours and symbols were hardly recognised by her distracted mind, ears tuned in on the sound of harsh, pouring rain outside and eyes every few seconds going to the door.
"Jen, it's your turn... Hey. Jen. What's – seriously, what's wrong with you?" Jisoo leaned across and flicked her on the forehead, effectively getting her attention.
"What?"
"It's your turn. Can you please focus? I want to win and I want you to witness it."
Irene snorted with scepticism.
Jennie sighed, not really caring much about the card game they were playing – Uno, was it? She was also fairly certain Jisoo was secretly, or even unknowingly, breaking the rules as she played. It was strange, because Jennie was competitive, anything that could possibly be a competition was a competition. There was no such thing as second place or second best, not for Jennie Kim.
Somehow, this was the second most important thing on her mind.
First was that Lisa hadn't returned home yet. And Jennie was worried, because it was raining so much and it was late. Surely, dance practice would have finished by now? She gulped as the thought crept into her head that maybe Lisa was pushing herself too much again... what if she was in that dark headspace and needed her to pull her out... maybe she should go to the studio –
"Oi. Jennie." Irene's sharp voice cut over Jisoo's. "What's going on?"
Jennie put her cards on her lap. "Nothing."
Irene cocked an eyebrow.
She gave in. "Lisa's just not back yet."
A pause.
"Oh." Jisoo and Irene said flatly.
"What does – why did you say it like that?" Jennie sputtered in response.
"So typical." Irene laughed before Jisoo was joining in after shooting Jennie a knowing look, but also seeming delighted at her concern.
Jennie flushed. "It's late, that's all! And I even made dinner and it's getting cold. It wouldn't taste good being microwaved and – shut up – it's raining too."
"Okay, okay, calm down." Jisoo chuckled, just as the door opened and a dishevelled Lisa hurriedly walked in, shivering from the cold. Thankfully, due to underground parking she wasn't drenched from the rain.
Jennie was on her feet faster than her pride would have liked. "What took you so long?" Her voice came out stricter than she anticipated but it was harsh with worry.
Lisa reached out and squeezed her shoulder soothingly. "Sorry, we had to stay back and perfect one of the dances. It took longer than I thought or else I would have messaged you." She made a teasing smile. "Were you worried about me?"
Lisa must have expected Jennie to deny it because her smile had been fortified with defences but the older's response caught her by surprise.
"Yeah."
Jisoo squealed and Irene grinned into her hand after rolling her eyes.
Pink travelled up Lisa's pale skin. "Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I should have let you know."
"No, it's fine. I was being dramatic." Jennie said hastily, a little embarrassed with her easy disclosure of feelings. She wanted to just melt into the floor. And take Jisoo and Irene with her. "Um... I'll get you a jumper. Dinner is on the counter."
Lisa gave a soft thank you as Jennie turned on her heels, suddenly very awkward with a weird fluttery sensation in her stomach. Jisoo grabbed her arm on her way to the bedroom, saying low and mischievously. "Not just a jumper, Jen, get her yours."
"Fucking get lost." Jennie snipped back and it just made Jisoo dissolve into another fit of giggles.
Luckily Lisa hadn't heard and was busy unpacking her dance bag whilst talking to Irene. Eventually, Jennie managed to persuade Jisoo to leave with withering stares and scowls, since the older had found a certain joy in teasing her and embarrassing her. Irene left soon after.
Once it was the two of them they sat in a nice silence, occasionally talking about this and that. It was a comfortable quiet. Peaceful, but overflowing with warmth and affection and contentment, brimming with unspoken, unneeded words, and full of indescribable, unique understanding. Somehow through little actions and gentle smiles they were in tune with each other.
Jennie knew she had been missing this since the accident. She was glad they finally found it again.
-
The dynamics of their relationship was changing, that much Jenni knew. It was scary and not at the same time.
Her memories had gradually eased back, of course with a few sections remaining in the ruins of the accident. She found glancing at photos often helped, and some smells and sounds as they linked back to memories and feelings and in those rare moments she was there, the Jennie who lived in a logical, linear timeline. The Jennie who loved and had loved Lisa. The Jennie she needed desperately to return to.
Jennie felt closest to Lisa in the mornings, when they found themselves pressed against each other, Lisa smelling like... home. It was always followed by an urge to wrap her in her arms and press her nose against the nape of her neck.
Naturally, her comfortableness with her role as Lisa's girlfriend was easier to accept. She found herself pushing boundaries of friendship and into something more romantic, despite their agreement to just be friends, at least until her feelings came back. Jennie worried sometimes that there never would be a point in time when everything just clicked. Maybe this was reality. Her so-called future was the past and it wasn't coming back. No matter how much they both wanted it to.
Maybe present/future Jennie Kim was gone. Or she was already here. The merging of identities was blurry and confusing. Was there a moment when it all came rushing back like in the dramas, or did she just have to accept that this was her, the her of now?
And if so, could Lisa accept that?
"You've been nicer to me lately." Lisa murmured as they walked in the night's chill, scarf wrapped snugly around her neck. Jennie was weirdly craving a bubble tea and they figured it was a nice evening to walk instead of getting stuck in city traffic.
Jennie was glad the cold froze her skin from reddening. "Can't I be?"
"Yeah, I just... I don't want you to think you have to do these things for me." Lisa started softly.
"How do you know I don't want to do these things?" Jennie mumbled quietly, dark eyes imploring. She surprised herself by her sudden confidence in saying such words. Surprised herself with how much she meant them.
Lisa blinked before smiling slowly, eyes a little dazed off but warm and lovely. "You said that to me before, last time I asked you about it. Three years ago."
Jennie cringed. "Ah, sorry."
But the other just giggled softly, breath visible in the night. Her smile was sweet and lovely. Everything about Lisa was lovely, Jennie realised. "Don't be."
-
Jennie sucked in a deep breath as she pushed the keys into the ignition. Her hands were sweaty and her heart was racing. When her car had arrived, polished and looking good as new, she had been over the freaking moon. But now, as she sat in the driver's seat, she felt frozen. She twisted the keys and the car hummed to life, air-con flooding the car and the radio starting up to fill the tense silence.
She sighed as she moved her hands to the wheel.
She could do this, she's been driving for years now.
Okay, so, she just had to press on the clutch and –
"Jennie?"
Jennie wished she hadn't flinched the way she had, heart hammering suddenly and a sweat breaking out across her forehead.
Lisa was gazing at her with brimming concern. "Is something wrong?"
"Uh – I – no, I mean, it's – " Jennie shut her mouth as Lisa reached across and cupped the side of her face.
"You're all cold and clammy." She whispered. "Are you – is it because of the accident?"
Jennie glanced away, mouth dry as she heard the screeching of tyres and that horrifying crunch and the impact right on her ribs and – Lisa – she can't leave Lisa –
Jennie can taste the blood in her mouth and the coffee and she remembered waking up in the hospital – remembered she knew who she was, exactly who she was, her mind racing with questions, that brief second of clarity before she went under. She turned to Lisa who still had a hand on her cheek.
"Come here." Jennie stammered and pulled Lisa closer, drawing in her scent and feeling her body against hers. The younger let out a hitched breath of surprise but quickly relaxed, rubbing circles into her back. Jennie buried her face in Lisa's shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be sorry for anything." Lisa murmured as she smoothed Jennie's hair and melted in her hold. "Let's go back inside."
Jennie cut the engine and they walked back to the elevator, Lisa keeping a hand on her lower back and looking up at her with worry. She could feel the sweat clinging on her skin and despite how much she loved his car – sleek and new and reliable, with the right amount of flashiness to match her secretly cocky personality – the idea of driving made her dizzy.
"I'll make you a hot chocolate, okay?" Lisa said as cheerfully as possible and she nodded wordlessly.
Once they were back in the safety of their apartment, Lisa padded to the kitchen and began heating up the milk. Jennie felt an urge to wrap her arms around her, and because she was feeling vulnerable, she did. Lisa fit perfectly in her arms, contoured to the planes of her body.
"Want to talk about it?" Lisa asked and Jennie pressed her lips to Lisa's neck, not really a kiss, just there.
"Later."
"You broke down in the street?" Lisa gaped as Jennie embarrassedly admitted. "Why didn't you tell me? How long have you been feeling this way?"
"It's not constant, it comes and goes. For the most part, I'm fine. Trust me." Jennie reassured her as Lisa clasped her hands together and stared at the table. "It's just sometimes I feel all panicky and remember the last few seconds before the accident and I freak out a bit. Like when I vomited, or just like today with the car."
Lisa nodded as she worried on her bottom lip. "Do you need to speak to someone about it?"
Jenie reached across the table instinctively to warm Lisa's hand in her. For a brief second there was a tense silence as they both stared down at what she had done. A wave of longing, washed over with hesitance. For some reason Jennie was fixated on Lisa's fourth finger and a thought passed her mind but she couldn't quite process it in time. "Right now, I'm okay. I promise."
"Okay." Lisa breathed as she locked her fingers with hers, cheeks flushed and eyes still on their hands. "But if you need to, or something else happens, tell me, please." She sounded regretful and guilty – two emotions Jennie didn't like seeing on her.
"I will." She replied and when Lisa finally raised her gaze to meet hers, Jennie felt an indescribable urge to pick Lisa up and press her against the nearest surface, whisper sweet nothings into her skin. The feeling swirled in her gut with no signs of disappearing. "I..."
Say it, Kim.
Lisa tilted her head, prompting her to go on.
"I..." Jennie cleared her throat and gave a sheepish smile. "I just remembered I need to do something."
Lisa giggled as she slipped her hand out of Jennie's, the loss of warmth disappointing. Jennie hastily got up as her chest tightened.
Weak.
-
Jennie watched on helplessly as Lisa sat in the corner of the studio, head nestled in her arms and frame so, so skinny. She hated the way the shirt hung off her, how weak and tired the gir looked no matter how much she was trying by going to counselling and trying to eat at least one full meal a day.
Jennie had been told since she was young that she was golden, a star pupil, a talent, and yet the person she wanted to comfort was breaking down across from her and she couldn't do anything.
Lisa had been getting better, but today was a bad day, with no particular reason why today was worse than yesterday.
"Should I get Irene?" Jennie walked forward and knelt beside her.
Lisa shook her head.
"Okay." Jennie sat down next to her and hesitantly wrapped an arm around Lisa's narrow shoulders, all hard angles and sharp corners. But still, it was Lisa and she was beautiful. She coaxed the younger to lie against her, feeling relieved when she shifted in her hold to get in a more comfortable position. Jennie knew they couldn't stay like that for long – the worst thing with Lisa was letting her stay static and wallow in her demons. In a few minutes, she'll have to get up and do something, like go for a walk or drive or something.
If she could let herself forget about Lisa's current state, Jennie could imagine what it would be like if this was a few months ago – Lisa was laughing and teasing and glowing. And occasionally flirting with her – which she missed. She wondered if she'd just realised sooner, acted sooner, maybe she could have prevented the way Lisa broke down, and all her beliefs that Jennie despised.
"Want to go to the dog park? I'll go kidnap Irene or Kai's dog." Jennie said and Lisaa laughed, too quiet.
"I want to stay here."
"Mm, let's go in a few minutes."
"No." Lisa whined.
"You'll like it." Jennie added and squeezed her shoulder, and pressed a kiss into her hair, something she'd started doing recently. Something she'd been holding herself back from doing for a while. "It'll be fun. We can get lamb skewers after."
"No food." Lisa mumbled, and despite her words there was shame in her tone.
Jennie rubbed her back. "Two bites."
"But..."
"You're beautiful, Lis. I would know, because I'm beautiful too."
The small giggle she received was worth it.
"You're a brat." She huffed.
"Yep." Jennie conceded, noticing the tiniest of rises in the younger's mood. When Lisa glanced up for the barest of seconds to smile at her, her whole body warmed and pleasant shivers went down her spine.
She'd really like to be able to hold Lisa like this, but for other reasons.
But for now, it was okay, just like this.
-
Kai typed quickly on his laptop as Jennie described her episodes. She didn't really want to go but Lisa insisted she at least let Kai know, and well, could she really refuse her when she looked so worried and guilty. If this would ease her concerns then Jennie would go anywhere.
"I'm sorry this has been happening, Jen. I should have talked to you more about it." Kai said apologetically. "This was all so overwhelming for you and we neglected you."
Jennie sighed. "It's fine, seriously. I knew you guys were there for me and that was enough." She herself had gotten swept up in the cognitive damage of her accident, and then her concerns all revolved around how she would fit back into her life and with Lisa. She didn't think much about her emotional scars, but she knew she had support if she needed it. They'd all be there for her no matter how many times she'd push them away.
She was incredibly lucky to have all of them.
Especially Lisa, Jennie thought as her lips pulled up at the corners. Was she always this smitten? Somehow, she didn't quite mind.
"If it gets worse, you have to let me know." Kai said firmly and Jennie nodded exaggeratedly. That got her a scoff and an eye roll. He typed something else on his laptop before facing her with an expression of a friend rather than her doctor. "Besides that, how have you been?"
"I'm better." Jennie replied and for the first time she really meant it.
Kai must have understood as much because he smiled warmly. "And you and Lisa?"
"We're good too." She picked at a loose thread on her ripped jeans. Everything about Lisa was endearing, she was honest and generous, quick to forgive, and easy to love. "I think I understand what you mean now – about being whipped for her. I can see why I would be."
Kai fought the 'I told you so' that wanted to burst from his lips. "And are you?"
Jennie bit her lip and brushed the hair away from her eyes when she glanced back up. "I'm getting there."
He laughed with relief, looking significantly more relaxed. "I'm glad you two are figuring it out. You guys belong together."
"That's what Krystal said too." Jennie murmured and Kai gave a sad smile. "She said that seeing us made her realise that... maybe it wasn't working out for you two." She can't fight the small twinge of guilt when she said those words.
"Yeah." He nodded, but rather than melancholic or dejected he just seemed reminiscent. In love with a memory, perhaps. "It was the way you and Lisa just clicked, how naturally you two fall into sync. Relationships aren't a competition, or should be compared, but I guess we saw what we used to be in you two, and realised we just weren't the same anymore."
Jennie picked at that loose thread again. "I'm happy you two are still friends, at least." She was, she really was glad, even if she still felt like she was reeling. She didn't quite know yet why she was so affected by their breakup, why she felt sick to her stomach when the fact that they had officially called it quits sunk in. She didn't know why it... scared her.
"Me too." Kai smiled and this time it was full of optimism, that not every sad ending was necessarily a bad one.
-
"And, when we announced to our parents we were together... do you remember that?"
"Mhmm."
"What about when we went to that amusement park?"
"Yeah."
"And that time you drank too much and threw up in Irene's car?"
"Don't remind me."
Lisa giggled as they sat on the couch, waiting for the advertisement break to end, blocking out ridiculous adverts and corny music by picking Jennie's memory. There was relief all over Lisa's face, and her eyes were shining again like they used to – like they used to before all this mess. Sometime during a dramatic fight scene and an awkward confession, Lisa had leaned back into Jennie's chest and was half on her lap. And Jennie honestly didn't mind, if anything, she just wanted to pull Lisa closer and nuzzle into her neck (which she refrained from doing).
"Okay, how about when we went camping?" Lisa tilted her head to at least get a side view of Jennie.
"Um... not really?" Jennie worried on her lip as she strained to think of something which she could relate to the memory but came up blank. Images of campfires and tents she was certain she had just made up in a desperate attempt to conjure something.
Lisa just smiled, her body stayed relaxed. "That's fine, you've made heaps of progress."
Still, Jennie felt a heavy rock in her stomach. "I'm sorry."
"No, really, I'm not upset." Lisa turned and when she lifted her gaze they realised just how close they were, lips inches away. Jennie could kiss her right now if she wanted to. "Don't feel bad, please." She gave an apologetic smile before looking guilty. "And if anything, I should say sorry. I've been making you feel so shitty, putting so much emphasis on having feelings for me and your memories..."
"Lisa..."
"Honestly, I should have just been happy that you were alive and okay. God, I've been so terrible, all I seemed to care about was your memory and I should have been helping you deal with trauma – I acted like I was the victim and it was your fault – "
"Wait, don't –" Jennie knew what Lisa was doing – falling into that self-blame she often did, too self-criticizing for her own good.
"It's true, I did, and I'm sorry. I'm awful."
Jennie frowned as Lisa glanced at her lap, gulping and looking remorseful. Sure, she had felt like she was blamed a few times, and she'd been annoyed plenty, but she'd never thought of faulting her for it. Lisa looked after her medication and helped her recover, and she'd been there if Jennie needed to confide in her. "You helped me a lot. Don't be stupid."
Lisa scratched her cheek, shoulder slumped. "I should have been stronger for you."
"You were."
"I wasn't – "
"You did your best." Jennie interrupted. "I didn't exactly make it easy, I was a jerk to you."
Lisa opened her mouth to protest but Jennie cut her off.
"There are no hard feelings. At all." She said firmly and reached around to curl a hand around Lisa's waist. "Let's just move on?"
"But..."
"For my sake. It's too hard to hold a grudge against you."
Lisa choked out a laugh, face reddening.
Jennje smiled and Lisa ducked her head under her gaze, suddenly shy. She wondered just how often she was able to make the younger blush like this, or if it was just because of their current circumstances. She wondered how many times she'd been able to cuddle up with her, have Lisa's complete attention. She realised abruptly that she was so terribly fond.
"I hope I can remember everything soon."
Lisa looked away when she replied, but her hand was resting on Jennie's knee. "It's not your amnesia that scares me the most."
Jennie paused, confused, but the television show had started back up again and Lisa had pulled her attention away.
Isn't it?
If it wasn't the amnesia then what was it?
-
It was raining. Jennie pulled Lisa closer into her side, feeling the knots in her stomach loosen now that she had her against her. Grounding her. Sometimes, Lisa drifted – not physically, but her mind went elsewhere, Jennie tried not to think of where because she was sure it wouldn't be nice, and it took some coaxing to get her back to her. It scared her during her small episodes because that was when Lisa felt the worst about herself, was the most likely to rush to the bathroom or push away her plate or belittle herself as she stared at her reflection.
She felt utterly helpless when it had been Irene to comfort Lisa the first few times it happened. Afterwards, Lisa sought affection to reassure herself. She'd go to the others first. She never picked Jennie.
Does she think I'll disregard her?
Jennie wondered if she had ever snapped at her or offhandedly thrown a teasing insult at Lisa when she needed comfort. She felt like dirt knowing she probably had. She probably hadn't realised it either.
She didn't deserve her, and now fate was making sure she never would.
"Thanks for walking back with me. Do you want to come up?" Lisa asked as she started up the apartment steps, water droplets on her eyelashes. "Jennie?"
Jennie swallowed and nodded. She followed Lisa up silently as they entered the complex and then into Lisa's small apartment, two suitcases near the door, all ready to leave. Her whole life packed away, ready to start over without Jennie.
Lisa's parents convinced her to move back to Busan, and although she didn't really want to, she agreed to go back for a few months and see how it was. Of course, Jennie knew how much her parents worried about her, but she was afraid Lisa would go, and never come back – maybe return only to visit, and then they inevitably become strangers. Jennie was running out of time.
"You've been quieter than usual." Lisa murmured as she poured herself a glass of water and stood at the counter, wide eyes imploring. "You know... even though I'm not always – like – feeling the best, I... I still want to be able to talk to you."
Jennie bit her bottom lip as she brushed damp hair off her forehead.
Lisa seemed disappointed by her silence. "You don't need to feel sorry for me."
"I know." Jennie whispered finally, voice low and quiet.
Lisa distracted herself by pouring Jennnie a glass of water too, passing it along the counter to her and narrowly avoiding eye contact. She sighed and glanced at her own cup. "You helped me so much these past few months, Jennie. Thank you. You really did a lot for me."
Jennie's chest ached. But she had hurt Lisa a lot too – over and over with her careless words and rejected feelings, threw her kindness back in her face. It was only when the attention stopped that Jennie saw Lisa for who she really was – insecure, worried and wanting some sort of recognition. The girl wasn't stuck up or a show off, and her clinginess with Jennie was merely a crush – what was so wrong with that? She had been pushy and yeah, on a few occasions she had gotten incredibly annoying, but Jennie didn't have to treat it like a joke, like Lisa was just a joke.
"It's fine." Jennie said, but it wasn't. She should have done more, she should have been the one Lisa could rely on. She should have confessed whilst she still had the chance.
Lisa took a deep breath, a false smile gracing her features. "Well, I should go shower since I'm leaving early tomorrow. At least now you won't have me irritating you anymore, right?" Her voice was airy and light with practiced ease.
Jennie winced. "That's – don't say that."
"It's okay, relax, I'm kidding." Lisa giggled but she wasn't. Of course she wasn't. She stepped away from the counter and Jennie caught the sad lilt at the end of her voice, the way her eyes dropped and she slingered for a beat longer, hoping for her to intervene. "I'll see you. Night."
See me when? When will you come back?
Jennie's throat squeezed as Lisa headed for the bathroom. In less than twelve hours, Lisa would be on the first train back to Busan. She could meet someone else, someone nicer, someone who wouldn't laugh at her feelings or take them for granted. Someone far better than Jennie could ever be. She can't lose Lisa, not before she's ever even had the chance to have her.
"Lisa."
The girl paused and glanced over her shoulder. "Yeah?"
I think I might be in love with you.
Jennie swallowed the lump in her throat.
"Don't go."
-
Jennie woke up blearily, tiredness still behind her eyes but she managed to roll out of bed and stumble sleepily to the bathroom.
After she finished, she went done to the kitchen where Lisa was standing at the counter, sipping on tea whilst she scrolled through something on ger phone. There was some desirous feeling swirling her stomach and seeing Lisa made it grow.
Jennie didn't think much, she never did in the first few minutes after she had woken up, and pressed her face into Lisa's freshly shampooed hair. She always smelt nice, something Jennie really appreciated. "Morning, you."
Surprisingly, the younger hadn't flinched when Jennie nuzzled into her, and it was only a few seconds later that she stiffened and then let Jennie be, ignoring her astonishment. "Hey. Are you hungry?"
Jennie made a sound in the back of her throat as her mouth moved down Lisa's hair to the nape of her neck. Something about Lisa in the morning was irresistible, whether it was because her cheeks were still a bit puffy or hair ruffled, or she looked adorable still in her oversized pyjama shirt with her pants pooled slightly at the ankles.
This time Jennie couldn't hold back the urges that had started to become stronger and stronger, only half aware of what she was doing. The less rational side of her simply thought why not? It's Lisa, my girlfriend. Whilst the other side of her let out a small, pathetic you're not her Jennie.
She gripped Lisa's waist and brought her to her chest, letting her lips trail across her skin. Screw it.
Lisa gasped softly and her body was tense, but not unwilling. "Jen, what are you doing?"
"Baby..." Jennie murmured low and let her teeth drag over her neck, right where she knew Lisa liked it. As expected, Lisa melted at her touch and let out a small moan, tilting her neck to give her better access.
Jennie sucked at the spot as Lisa's breath started to become ragged and uneven. Her head lolled back onto Jennie's shoulder as she began to lean into her chest, eyes shut and lips parted. Her hands slipped under Lisa's shirt and felt up the smooth, heated skin, soft and covering hard muscle.
Lisa grabbed the back of her head and twisted around to get a better view of her, forcing Jennie to tear her lips away from the nice red blooming on Lisa's pale skin, met with her lips instead. Jennie moaned into the kiss as small flashbacks of other scenes like these screened behind her eyelids, but she was still in this moment. Her Lisa.
Jennie trapped Lisa's lips and nibbled on it slightly, and after a brief tug which earned her a long moan she slipped her tongue into Lisa's mouth, meeting her and exploring the cavern eagerly. Sometime during this Lisa had turned all the way around to kiss her better, arms wrapped around her neck and hips pushed together. Jennie groaned when Lisa sucked her tongue and tangled her hand through her hair, pulling her down to kiss her even deeper. Jennie trailed her palm down Lisa's back as her hand wandered further below and under the waistband of her pants -
"Jennie, wait." Lisa whispered against her lips as she caught her breath, but she didn't step away.
Jennie stared at her, dazed. Lisa flushed and all Jennie could focus on were her scarlet cheeks and fluttering eyelashes. She brought her hand to rest on the small of Lisa's back, wondering if she'd overstepped a boundary.
"Too far?"
"No, it's not that. It's just... we agreed that... we shouldn't..." Lisa was getting ready to reject this action again, and this time, Jennie couldn't.
"I meant that." Jennie said with confidence that surprised even herself. "And I meant each one before."
Lisa bit her lip.
"So, don't just write this off. Don't just make assumptions about my intentions, or think they're disingenuous just because I'm not... because I'm not completely her." Jennie muttered bitterly as Lisa looked up at her with wide eyes.
Finally, she nodded and leaned forward to peck her cheek, a small gesture that made Jennie's chest tighten. Her lips pressed softly against her cheek and her nails lightly moved across Jennie's neck down to her collarbones, sending a nice shudder through her body. When she finished, she gave her an apologetic smile that was still downright adorable and angelic. "I'm sorry. I've just been afraid that I was losing you."
"As if I'd let you." Jennie replied dumbly, awestruck at how a smile can disarm her so easily.
Lisa looked somewhat dazed herself, but eventually ended the conversation with another charming smile and saying she needed to start getting ready for work.
Jennie let her step out of her arms and felt the absence immediately. She wasn't sure what to call this moment of realisation.
She felt like she should know. She felt like she had been here before.
Jennie wasn't sure if these were feelings coming back or if she were simply developing them again.
She thought it probably didn't even matter.
-
"Lisa looked happy today." Jisoo commented as she settled down on the couch beside Jennie, Rosie on the floor next to Irene.
I chose wonderful, wonderful friends.
Jennie checked her phone for the time, noting Lisa would be finishing soon. The younger had to stay late at the dance studio so she would be late to their weekly drama night. Today, it was at Jisoo's apartment. It looked like it had been professionally decorated. It was all very sleek and elegant. Expensive taste too.
"I know how to make her happy even without all my memories, you know." Jennie grumbled. "I'm not as stressed out as the other Jennie."
This morning she had made Lisa laugh so much she was close to tears, and then she'd gone to the dance studio with sparkling smiles in her eyes and giggles still repressed.
Jisooe pondered. "Well, you're not working or going to university so –"
"And, today I managed to cook this sweet potato dish I promised her I would make her ages ago."
"Again, you have so much time because you're –"
"I make her laugh all the time, I bet present-future Jennie couldn't do that!"
Rosie coughed and raised an eyebrow, judging hard. "I'm sorry, are you having a competition for Lisa with yourself?"
Jennie opened and closed her mouth wordlessly.
Jisoo and Irene dissolved into a fit of giggles.
"She really can do anything."
"Fuck you both."
-
"And I told her it was probably nothing but she's convinced she saw a rat or something in the change rooms so now..."
Lisa's voice slowly faded out as Jennie watched Lisa move around the bedroom in her pyjamas, face bare and fresh as she complained about something Jennie was only half listening to.
It wasn't her fault though, Lisa just looked so adorable. And her hair was all mussy. It was hot.
And Jennie was also kind of tired, so there was that.
Lisa walked past Jennie, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, for the nth time but on this occasion Jennie leaned forward and grabbed Lisa by the waist, pulling her back against her chest and propping her chin on her shoulder to nose into Lisa's lightly scented hair.
"That's great, Lis, but I'm tired so can we please go to sleep now?" Jennie rasped and Lisa shivered in her arms, cheeks painted red.
"Y-yeah."
"Yes! Finally!" She leaned back into the bed and pulled the covers out. "Come on."
Lisa stared at her affectionately, with a roll of her eyes. "Seriously, you are obsessed with sleep. Jisoo raised you well."
Jennie scoffed as she pulled Lisa's body to her. "I only like sleeping when you're with me."
Lisa groaned embarrassedly into the pillow. "You're lucky you're cute."
Jennie shifted in her seat as she pulled on her tie, donning the outfit she had chosen from weeks ago apparently, according to Lisa. She wiped her palms on her slacks, wondering why she felt so nervous.
-
"Do you think she got the flowers?" Jennie mumbled more to herself than anything, fingers fidgeting in her lap.
"Yes, Rosie would have made sure Lisa got them. She's very reliable. Now, just relax." Irene laughed as she put down the event's program.
It was Lisa's dance performance today – a huge deal for her and her team at the studio, and to the public in general. This particular theatre was a very exclusive place to be able to perform in, the tickets were expensive, and as expected the event had sold out.
"You know, she's going to be fine." Irene supplied as she took in Jennie's pale expression.
"I know." She replied, and she knew Lisa would be fine, because it was Lisa and she always puts her all into every performance. Surprisingly, Jennie was nervous for herself. Her phone buzzed and she pulled it out of her pants pocket, and frowned at the text.
Good luck!
Jennie blinked. It was from Lisa's mother. Why was she texting her? Maybe she meant to text Lisa instead? Deciding to not worry about it now, she crossed her arms and waited for the performance to start. There was something kind of hard in her jacket pocket that was a bit uncomfortable. Everything was irritating her now – it was too crowded, and the audience was too loud and her chair was uncomfortable and –
"Um... if you really want to check that Lisa got the flowers..." Irene mumbled worriedly but she drifted off as the lights begin to dim and the conversations came to an end.
Jennie's heart beat faster and she sat up straighter, forgetting about that uncomfortable thing in her jacket pocket that she couldn't be bothered to check.
As a dancer when Jennie was younger, she was in awe of the amazing choreographies and complex steps that the performers executed so effortlessly, but it was nothing compared to when Lisa came out. She was an obvious crowd favourite, clear by the way the excitement rose and people clapped enthusiastically after she flawlessly finished a sequence of fast, complicated moves. If teenage Lisa had been good, the Lisa now was excellent.
It wasn't just her moves, but her expressions, the way she looked so fragile and yet so strong, like she could topple over from the sheer lightness and grace of her movements, but she wouldn't break. And the look she had in her eyes when she faced the audience was – in love.
Jennie was in love.
And then she was suddenly hit with emotion which she can only describe as a storm of reminiscence and melancholy; she just felt deprived. Like Lisa hadn't really been hers, and Jennie hadn't been here.
She suddenly knew why Kai and Krystal's breakup had thrown her off her axis, due to much of the same reasons they had felt it was time to call it quits. They had been utterly besotted with each other much like her and Lisa were, and something so incredible, so beautiful hadn't worked out - Jennie was terrified that it could happen to them. That she could lose Lisa one day and think that she'd be better off without her
So after the first interval, Jennie rushed backstage to find Lisa, about to get prepped for her next performance, bare faced with a bottle of water in her hand. The second their eyes met, Lisa smiled widely, surprised to see her but happy nonetheless.
"Hey, what are you –"
Jennie cut her off with a desperate kiss, pulling Lisa close and unable to hold back, needing her. Something about her frantic actions must have alarmed Lisa because she pulled back sharply.
"Jen, what's wrong? Is it the trauma?" She shifted back and Jennie tried to chase her lips but Lisa angled her head away. "Do you... do you remember everything?"
Lisa sounded so hopeful it hurt, staring at her with earnest eyes and searching for that hint of recognition.
"I don't know." Jennie replied honestly, and dropped her lips to Lisa's neck to the fading mark she had made a few days ago. She didn't know what these feelings were – if they were new or supressed from the accident – she didn't know anything except that they were there with a passion.
"But I miss you." Jennie's voice came out strangled and more vulnerable than she had intended, thick and wavering on the edge of tears. "I miss you so much."
Lisa cupped her face, pressing their foreheads together, ignoring the makeup artist who called her name. "I'm right here." She tilted her head up for another kiss. "I've always been here."
I love you.
After the interval, Lisa's dance soared even more than usual. And Jennie knew what was in her jacket pocket, and the meaning behind Lisa's mother's text.
It was the reason for why she had been so nervous earlier.
And she still was quite nervous, but that could wait.
-
The second they got home they were all over each other, and all previous hesitations they both had were gone. Jennie finally lets her urges go, pressing Lisa back into the surface of the mattress, ravishing her lips the way she'd been wanting to for a while now, relishing the sounds the younger made.
"Lisa, baby," Jennie whispered as she threw off her jacket and tie, eyes raking up Lisa's lithe body, so pretty against the dark bed covers. "You were amazing today."
Lisa just smiled, accepting the compliment, pulling Jennie back down so she could start unbuttoning her shirt. "You say that all the time."
"Because you're amazing all the time."
Lisa laughed as she ran her fingers over the exposed skin, pupils blown and lips red. "No more talking."
Jennie could do that.
-
Jennie sighed into Lisa's hair as the other pulled up the covers, fresh from their shower and enjoying each other's presence, feeling connected again.
"I really missed you too." Lisa broke their silence, cheek pressed against Jennie's chest.
Jennie smiled as she continued drawing circles on Lisa's bare shoulder. There was just one last thing she needed to address, something that made her stomach clench worriedly. She wasn't sure why she felt so many qualms asking this, when she should know the answer – does know the answer. It was just that things wouldn't go back to the way they were before, at least not exactly, and she could accept that. She was totally okay with that – she had her life back, she had supportive friends and had Lisa.
The question was whether Lisa could accept that too.
"Lis... do you love me?"
Lisa froze in her hold and Jennie's mind raced with worst case scenarios. A few tense seconds ticked by before the other raised her head to stare at her, looking stunned by her question.
"Of course, I do."
Jennie dropped her gaze. She needed to make sure. "Even if I can't ever remember everything right now?"
"Even if you never can."
"And even if I can never be your Jennie?"
Lisa's gaze softened and she kissed the back of Jennie's hand. "You are my Jennie." She gave a light chuckle to herself as her voice became tight and her eyes watery. "I was stupid to have kept you so distant before – you're her, and I should have seen that. I love seventeen-year-old Jennie as much as I love twenty-two-year-old Jennie because it's all you – and I love you."
Jennie felt her heart squeeze and she wanted to smother Lisa with affection. So she did.
"Thank you for staying with me, even when it was weird." Lisa murmured.
Jennie grinned. "Every version of me belongs to you." She thumbed away the tear on her cheek. Seventeen, nineteen or twenty-two, falling for Lisa was inevitable, a destiny she never wanted to change. "You don't have to worry, Lis, I'd fall in love with you again and again for the rest of my life if that's what it takes."
I want to marry you.
"You sap." Lisa giggled through quiet tears, fighting back a sob as she pressed her mouth to Jennie's.
They stayed like that for a while, slow kisses shared between tears, damp eyelashes fluttering across cheeks.
"What scares you the most?" Jennie asked, remembering the conversation they had had before. "You said it wasn't my amnesia."
Lisa just smiled gently and closed her eyes as she cuddled up to Jennie. "Nothing anymore."
Jennie decided to take that answer how it was. She closed her eyes after one final kiss to Lisa's hair.
She still had blanks in her memories, and some lingering emotional trauma, and she'd have to work hard to get back into the swing of being a lawyer. She still wasn't quite sure if hee feelings came back or she fell in love with Lisa again, or – and it probably was – a combination of both.
Jennie just knew she loved Lisa, and she had time to figure the rest out.
fin