Sa munting sandali ay hindi ko na maunawaan ang sarili ko dahil sa layo ng nilalakbay ng isipan ko. Dalawang araw na akong walang kain o 'di kaya ay tulog. Kinakatok ako ng mga kaibigan ko lagi-lagi, ngunit ayaw ko lang buksan ang pinto dahil gusto kong layuan muna nila ako. Kapag binuksan ko kasi ang pinto, alam kong hindi nila ako titigilan lalo na si Vic.
I want to distance myself on them.
Nagtungo ako sa banyo upang lingunin ang sarili ko sa salamin, sa tapat ng lababo. Nakita ko kung paano mamutla ang mukha ko. Ang labi ko ay halos wala ng kulay at may eyebags na rin ako sa ilalim ng mga mata ko, konti-konti na siyang lumalaki. Hinawakan ko ang reflection ko sa salamin pababa hangga't umabot sa lababo. Sinindi ko ang gripo at ako ay naghilamos.
Hindi pa huli ang lahat... dahil gaganti ako, babawi ako at aangat ako nang ako lang mag-isa. Magbabalik ang dating Risha at sisiguraduhin kong lahat ng mga Isles ay magdudusa. "Hihilain ko kayong lahat... pababa... sa impyerno... ipapahalik ko sa inyo ang paa ko, kung saan ang pinanggalingan ko..." sabi ko sa aking sarili nang matapos ako sa paghihilamos. Konti-konti kong inangat ang mukha ko upang tignan ang sarili ko.
"Magbabayad kayo, magdudusa kayo, babawi ako sa inyo. Ibababa ko lahat ng mga Isles nang ako lang. Hindi isa, hindi dalawa, hindi tatlo, kundi kayong lahat..." Muli kong hinawakan ang reflection ko sa salamin, pababa. Ngumisi ako ng panagdag at humalakhak.
I promise that I will never lose again. If he doesn't lose like he what he said before, then okay it's fine. It’s nice to have a counterpart though and I’ll make sure I won't fall while he will. In my forces as a Tanquile daughter, Daven Nick Isles will fall, the Isles family will fall! Simultaneously, mixed, yearly, monthly and daily. If they deserve to be buried in the company as long as they weaken, I would be better able to have a happy life. After all, there is no engagements, marriages, cheaters. No Isles above all.
In my head depends everything I want to happen because after all it needs to be planned. Everything I do from now on depends on my body. All the travel I will make for my upcoming mission also depends on my feet. Nothing will stop me. Gwen either, Vic, Drina, Gairel or Zara either. No friends will stop me from doing what I do because first of all I will not let them know what I intend to do. Only I know, from my head to my soul, God knows how to do all the things I want to do. Even if I sin in heaven, I don't really care.
I will gamble and fight for myself. There’s nothing wrong with that if you really need to. Honestly, I wouldn’t allow myself to be let down so easily. Oppression, belittling and squeezing the whole soul of our Tanquiles is not possible for me! If other people are giving up, they will change me. I will never forget who I am in life because my friends are by my side. Being a sovereign one. Being firm and strong, once I just hear that from my friends I will fight back with unmixed fear. No hesitation and no retreating after all.
Something will change if there is a stipulation to do so. And I will do that. If he is my karma, I am the stipulation that will weaken him.
"Ano nanamang sadya mo sa akin? Bakit ka nandito? Para pahirapan ako ulit?" Jubie's question makes me want her to slap her so bad. Na para bang gusto ko ulit ng back-up nila Vic at Gwen upang magawa ko siyang pahirapan ulit.
"Who said that I'm here for you? I am here because of Frenzon, not for you. Don’t assume that you’re the one I went to because first of all, what are you? A friend of mine? Duh! There is no way, you little freak! Maybe it's more better if you are my pet because you used to shout a lot, remember? You almost became a dog despite of the action of yours and--"
"Tumigil ka na, Risha!" Ang paglingon ko kay Frenzon ay napalitan ng pagsisisi. Iyong makita siyang ganito para bang sobrang bigat ng kasalanan ko sa kaniya. Nakasuot siya ng pulang makapal na jacket, hindi makita iyong ginawa ko sa kaniya. "We're done, Risha. Ayan naman 'yung gusto mo, 'di ba? Ang masira tayo... Kahit hindi mo sabihin sa akin ng diretso, alam kong iyon 'yung gusto mong mangyari kaya nilapitan mo ang pinsan ko para masira tayo. Nilapitan mo si Daven para makahingi ka ng tulong, 'di ba? Now, stop bothering and leave us alone!" Nang sabihin niya iyon, hindi ko alam kung bakit kusang tumulo ang luha sa kanan kong mata. Hindi iyon dumapo sa aking pisngi dahil tumulo ito sa sahig. Napayuko ako at nilingon kung papaano hawakan ni Frenzon ang kamay ni Jubie.
Ano? Huwag mo sabihing si Jubie ang pinalit niyang bagong fiance!
"Hindi ako ang nanghingi ng tulong sa kaniya, Frenzon. Siya! 'Yung pinsan mo! He offered his help! Nakuha niya lang ang loob ko kaya napasang-ayon ako bigla sa kaniya! Wala akong balak kundi ang sirain lang tayo dahil ayaw kong magpakasal! Never kong binalak na saktan kayo o 'di kaya--"
"Kung ganoon ay si Jubie p'wede mong saktan habang kami hindi? Ang unfair no'n! What kind of lady are you, huh? Alam mo bang... p'wede naman akong maghintay sa'yo kahit na hindi ka pa handang magpakasal? Pero anong nangyari? Wala! Sinayang mo ako, Risha. Hindi naman ako basura at lalong hindi mababaw ang pagkagusto ko sa'yo dahil malalim na itong nararamdaman ko para sa'yo... Mom and dad actually doesn't like you in the first place, as well as your family. Pero wala silang nagawa dahil desisyon ko raw iyon. As for today, we are officially breaking the engagement that they have arranged for the both of us. It's for the best. Baka kung ano pang mangyari sa dalawang pamilya kung itutuloy natin ito... Hindi ko kakayanin, Risha. Baka pagsisihan ko lang sa huli na nagustuhan pa kita." And just like that, I still tried to explain about everything. Pero hindi na niya ako pinakinggan, nila ni Jubie. Hindi ko inakala na siya ang ipapalit nitong girlfriend. Nakakadiri silang tignan!
"Kung ayaw mo akong pakinggan, e'di sige! Bahala ka! Ginawa ko naman ng magpaliwanag at hindi ko alam na wala rin pala itong magagawa! Kagaya ng sinabi mo ay sinayang mo rin itong pagkakataong 'to! Gusto ko lang sabihin na salamat kahit na wala kang ginawa! Thanks for nothing, pinaasa mo ako sa wala! Huwag kang mag-alala dahil kailanman ay hindi kita nagustuhan gaya ng pagkagusto mo sa akin! Pakisabi sa pinsan mo na hindi ako papatalo sa inyong mga Isles dahil gagawin ko lahat ng makakaya ko! Konti-konti ko kayong hihilain pababa hangga't makakaya ko... gagawin ko iyon!" Alam kong nagmumukha na akong baliw ngayon, kakasigaw dito sa kaniya. At sa pagkakaalam ko ay paniguradong ngumingiting aso na iyong si Jubie dahil sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. Siguro ay nagpla-plano na rin si Jubie, pumaparaan sa kung ano mang gagawin niya.
"Try to worry a little, Risha. There is nothing wrong with that. It's normal and don't worry, I will support you in what you have said. Pull me down then, if you can. Pull us down well if you can, okay? Goodluck on your new journey. For sure, what you feel now is not over yet because it's just warm up. You, failures and sufferings are approaching you soon, Risha." Kung makabato siya ng salita sa akin ay parang siguradong-sigurado siya roon. Ang nakakabwisit niyang ngisi sa akin na para bang bata ako sa kaniyang mga paningin, iyon ang kinaiinis ko.
My forehead furrowed because of what I am thinking. "You will embrace my heart again when the opportunity arises..." I have nothing to fear from him or even his cousin. I will not allow myself to be defeated and fall just like this. I want to retaliate against them... but how? Where do I have to start? I have nothing to be proud of and that is my problem now. I certainly can’t take him with my words lightly. He has no faith and he doesn’t care about whatever I’m planning because his vision of me is a weak creature.
I closed my two palms as I started pushing him against his chest. I slapped him a few times and he didn’t fight back. "You are such a big jerk! Isa kang malaking gago! Saktan mo na lang ako, huwag mo lang akong maliitin! Fuck you, Isles! Makikita mo! Makikita niyong lahat ang kaya kong gawin!" He didn't even look at me. I know you’re only giving in to me because I’m just a weakling in your eyesight, but I’m not going to let that happen anymore. You are blind, you are so fucking blind! "You fucking fool! You are just so blinded by my sin against you! You know what? You deserve to be stuffed with hot coffee like what I did! You fucking deserve it and I won't regret how I accidentally did it to you!" This time, I grabbed his white collar. I badly wanted to show him that I am not that weak! Fuck him! I want to punch him!
"What? Why don't you continue? Go ahead and punch me. Punch me hard with all your might, Risha. If that what makes you happy, then do it." Dahil sa nakakainsulto niyang sagot, sinuntok ko siya ng isang beses. Sa may panga niya, binalewala niya iyon at siya ay humalakhak ng parang demonyo. Hindi siya natumba sa sahig, napaatras lang siya dahil sa aking suntok. Humawak siya sa kulot niyang buhok at ginulo iyon. Aaminin ko na bawat salita niyang binibitiwan ay masakit. 'Yung tawaging mahina ako? Hindi man halata, pero masakit na iyon sa kalooban ko.
"Saktan mo ako! Putangina mo! Lumaban ka naman!" My voice started to crack. I straightly looked at his eyes and it's slowly becoming a bloodshot. It's getting red in the white parts.
"I could never do that to the lady I love so much! Even if the situation turns into like this, I still fucking love you! I can't believe I'm still crazy about you after all of this shits! I can't even seem to leave you here like this so I couldn't walk away! It's as if I'm going crazy here because of you!" I saw how his tears began to collect at the bottom lid of his eyes. "Dare to listen my heartbeat, Risha. Every beat of it... every fall of it... every jump of it... and every flesh of it... is still on you."
I will never let him fool me this time. It's so fucking disgusting to listen to all of his indecisive antics. A short intake of my breath follows my lips. "What is the point of liking me? There is no such thing especially if we don't feel the same way. Huwag ka ng umasa na magugustuhan kita, Frenzon. Kailanman ay hindi mababago ng mundo ang pagkakasuklam ko sa'yo. Bumaliktad ka man sa taong magugustuhan ko, hindi pa rin sapat iyon na dahilan sa akin para piliin ka pang-habang buhay ko." A couple of his sniffles here and there, corner of his eyes dampen. His lips began to tremble slightly.
I don't know this feeling, but my eyes started to get puffy under of it. It collects my eyelashes and make it difficult to see. I just chose to turn my back on him immediately which I did. I didn't leave there, I am just standing here and I couldn't even walk. A silence enveloped before he started to spoke.
"Take care of yourself, Risha. The pain is enough for me to live again so I am setting you free now..." It had happened. The universe had finally let what I wanted to happen. I clenched my teeth because of it. My feet were ready to walk because it's finally all over. Before that happened, Frenzon confronted me with him. He actually kissed me so hard that he could hardly restrain himself because of me. I never kissed him back. I just left him like that because my eyes caught something.
Behind his antics, he still even managed to watch us here kissing. Daven Nick Isles, why are you watching us?
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