They're funny things.
Feelings.
Sometimes, I wish I had none. But, they're what make me human, and I can't lose the one thing that makes me like everyone else and not some anomaly.
Feelings.
They make me happy, surprised, elated, and euphoric. But, they also make me sad, gloomy, and scared. I wish they'd wash away and not affect me in the way they do.
They make my head hurt, my chest ache, and my hands tremble. I don't really like any of those things, honestly.
Feelings.
They scare me. I could've been at my happiest, but then I'd be dragged down into the pit of despair and everything would've been for naught. I don't like that sort of unpredictability.
Feelings.
They make me feel like shit. But, they also make me feel like God. They're terrible at staying somewhere in the middle, where I'd be content and not on a weird rollercoaster.
Feelings.
Sometimes, I don't feel them. At least not at that very moment. But that doesn't make me happy either. Being happy is also a feeling.
How the hell do I feel happy if I feel nothing?!
But they soon come crashing down.
Like that wave at the beach. And that's when I wish that it would've been better to not feel at all.
It's ironical.
I say that I do not wish to feel, but I end up feeling the most. And when I do not feel, I wish I did, and when I do feel, I regret it.
I don't know if that's good or not.
I would like to feel...just not everything. That's the confusing bit.
Because some words make me feel warm and safe. Because some love-filled gazes make it feel worthwhile. Because the memories make me feel glad. Because I do not feel all that lonely anymore.
But, the other times, I feel more lonely than ever, even when I'm not alone.
Because some words stab me like knives. Because some disappointed glances play over and over again in my head. Because that heavy atmosphere never really leaves me alone. Because every single place reminds me of a time I've felt something terribly sad before.
But, every day, I return to the place which hurts me the most.
But I can't help it since that's also the place where I feel my best.
-TheHopeOfDusk