With a small smile, he ran his fingers over the fabric, feeling it brush his legs as he twirled a little, the skirt flaring around his hips.
"What are you doing?" his sister asks, causing him to jump, flushing even further from embarrassment.
"I'm," Ethan started, trying to come up with some excuse as to why he's wearing the cheerleading outfit. It's been weeks since the cheerleading incident, but Ethan couldn't bring himself to give it back, explaining to Benny that it might be needed later on. "What if more cheerleaders need saving?" he had asked, trying to hide the fluttery feeling in his stomach from holding the dress.
"Well?"
"I don't know, to be honest," Ethan murmurs, no longer looking at his sister. "Please don't tell anyone," he whispers, far too embarrassed that he'd been caught with the skirt on.
Of course he forgot to lock the door.
Jane just raises a brow, sticking her hand out and Ethan sighs. He's lost more money to her in the past year than he has his whole life.
He grabs his wallet from the desk anyway, flushing a little when the skirt twirls with him, causing butterflies to erupt in his stomach once again, causing him to freeze a second.
"Ethan?" Jane asks, voice a little tight, almost sounding worried.
"Here," he mutters, handing her a $20.
She nods, finding the amount sufficient enough. "I won't say anything to anyone, but you should probably lock your door."
Ethan mocks her, pushing her out of his room and locking the door behind her, embarrassed to have been found out.
Ethan sighs, leaning against the door, running a hand over his face as he stares at the wig on his desk.
Ethan looks at Benny, tray of food in his hands, hearing Rory talk about all the hot cheerleading ladies he get to hang out with.
"And there's this one blonde hottie McLovely. Name's Betty. So into me!" Rory says, lovestruck, Ethan trying not to laugh at the look of disgust on Benny's face when Rory talks about how hot his cheerleading costume is.
"Yeah, I... doubt that, dude."
Ethan is curious now, wondering how hot he looks in his costume, wondering if he pulls it off like Benny does.
"What about Veronica?" he asks, hoping to hear that she's good looking, hoping to hear that he was cute.
Rory's face scrunches up a little. "Well... she's okay."
His heart sinks a little.
He doesn't understand why.
"Just okay?"
"Her legs are kinda bandy. But Betty, I just wanna sink my fangs--"
Ethan's hurt beats, painfully, in his chest, finding that, even though it wasn't directed at him, his feelings are hurt.
He's glad when Benny cuts Rory off and they continue talking as though this conversation never happened, but the feeling of not being cute enough doesn't leave him.
Why is it affecting him so much?
Ethan takes his skirt off, ashamed to be wearing it. He's a man. He doesn't need to wear a wig, even if the hair running down his back feels amazing. He doesn't need to wear the cheer shirt, even though the lower neckline is comfortable compared to all the man's neckline. He doesn't need the skirt, even though the feeling of his legs being out in the open, the skirt brushing his thighs gently feels absolutely perfect.
It doesn't matter. He's a guy.
It's not like he doesn't like being a guy.
Sometimes he just wants to be called cute.
~~~
"Dude, Ethan are you okay? You've been spacing out a lot lately," Benny asks, brows pinched in worry as he puts down his sandwich, which Ethan knows means that he's serious.
"Yeah, I just-"
"Here's the nail polish you asked for yesterday," Jane shouted, walking into the kitchen, tensing when she realized Benny was there, like he wasn't always here.
"What are you talking about?" Benny asks, a choked off laugh and Ethan flushes again, embarrassed.
"I was thinking of trying the black nail polish thing, like a few of the guys at school were doing," Ethan lies, hating the feeling of lying to his best friend.
Jane just looks at him, eyebrow raised, but not saying anything because she knows she won't get paid anymore.
"Ethan, what's going on?" Benny asks and Ethan curses himself because of course Benny would know when he was lying. They've been friends their entire lives and they've both learned to pick up on these things.
Ethan looks to Jane for help, but she'd disappeared, leaving the bright pink nail polish on the table and Ethan can't help but stare at it, wondering what it would look like on his fingers, pressed against his skirt and his heart skips a few beats, breath hitching in excitement.
"Ethan!"
He snaps back to the preset, mind clearing as he take a breath.
"What is going on?"
"Benny, you'd still be my friend no matter what, right?"
"Of course."
Ethan sighs, grabbing the nail polish off the table and gesturing for Benny to follow, nervously fiddling with his shirt.
When he gets to his room he locks the door behind him, in case his parents come home. He doesn't want them to see him like this. He isn't even sure how he feels about it yet and he's already terrified that Benny will leave.
"Ethan, breathe. It's going to be okay," he whispers.
Ethan takes another deep breath and opens his wardrobe, pulling a box from the top shelf. Instead of opening it, he gives the box to Benny, looking away, not wanting to see his reaction to his deepest secret.
There is a shuffling of cloth, but otherwise the silence is deafening as Benny looks through the box of items.
Ethan knows what he'll find in there.
There is the cheerleading outfit, there are a few necklaces and a couple belts meant to go around the waist. He has a couple of wigs in there as well, the brown one from the cheerleading debacle, a short black bob and a blonde one, the one that Benny has thrown out.
"Ethan?"
Ethan takes a breath, calming his racing heart, trying to clear his mind so that he doesn't freak out when he looks at Benny.
"What is all of this?"
"I don't," Ethan trails off. "I don't know. I like the way the clothes make me feel, like I can be someone else, that I'm cute."
"Does this mean you want to be a girl?" Ethan takes a sharp breath, looking away from Benny. "It's alright if you do. There's nothing wrong with that," Benny explains quickly, seeing how tense Ethan has gotten.
"Not entirely. I like myself as I am, but sometimes it doesn't feel right. Sometimes I just want people to say that I'm cute. Sometimes I don't want to have to work so hard to make myself seem so,"
"Masculine?" Ethan nods. "But you don't always want to dress like this?"
"No."
Ethan looks down, embarrassed. Benny hugs him. "It's okay, Ethan. No one is going to think any different of you. You don't have to say anything now, but know we'll always be there for you."
~~~
She slides on a pink bracelet for the day, brushing her fingers against her dress as she buckles a belt around her waist, pink nail polish adorning her nails.
She smiles, stepping out of her room and heading downstairs, meeting Sarah and Benny at the breakfast table. "Morning, Eva, how are you feeling?"
"Like I can take on the world," she answers, knowing she'd get a laugh out Sarah, but finally feeling comfortable in her own skin.