So... it's been 2 years since I last went to school. I haven't gone ever since I caused a huge scene in school. It was horrible, one of the things I regret the most. My freshman year, was not my best year, I had ruined it all. I was a mentally ill 14 year old, i'll admit that. I was not okay, I had let so many things go to my head, it possessed me.
It was September 3rd,2010, a Friday. I felt off the morning before leaving to school, but I shrugged it off because I thought it was just a mood swing I tend to have from time to time, which I was able to control. But, this exact day, a rumor spread about a boy I had a crush on, his name was Maxwell, Maxwell Kehn, he was also in the same grade as me. The rumor was that he was dating my now ex-bestfriend, Lina. I was iffy about believing the rumor due to the fact, I didn't think she could do that to me. She knew how deeply I liked Maxwell. My mind instantly went she couldn't have betrayed me right?? But, boy was I wrong, as I started to walk toward my class, I see Lina with Maxwell. She was being super touchy with him and firty. I instantly got really angry, I couldn't control my emotions, I was already feeling iffy, I lost control of my movements, I felt myself blackout. As I open my eyes I noticed I'm no longer in school, I'm in pitch darkness. Am I daydreaming? I try to pinch myself to wake myself up, but nothing. Then a voice of a strange woman, raspy and ugly, says "You won't be able to awaken from this just yet, I haven't had my fun yet." I feel as if I'm just dreaming, I laughed and said to myself I was probably dreaming this entire time and I'm just in deep sleep. But, the woman's raspy voice suddenly gets louder, " Oh sweetheart, you're not dreaming." I then see a bright light in the distance, I slowly walk towards it and it starts to get clearer, I can see the school, I am still walking towards my class, no wait why am I sprinting, I see my hands aim for Lina and grab her by the back of the head, banging it up against the lockers in the hallway. I then see her slowly go down to the floor. "NO" I yelled, then the hidious sounding voice of the lady starts to laugh and breathe in with relief, "That felt great, what's wrong isn't this what you wanted, your anger summoned me here after all. Let's have more fun shall we..." I then look back, and start to see myself look at Maxwell... "NO STOP THIS PLEASE NOT HIM", but she didn't listen. I then watched her somehow turn my pen into a sharp pocket knife with my hands, she made me watch the person I desired the most, the one I loved, get stabbed right in front of my eyes, with my own bare hands. I yelled, "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU LEAVE MY BODY NOW PLEASE, I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS." Everything went pitch black again. I suddenly hear a faint voice, it starts to get louder and louder within the second, "DROP THE WEAPON", I then regain my full consciousness and see a police officer pointing his weapon at me. "I SAID DROP THE WEAPON", he repeated. I instantly dropped it, I can feel the warm tears running down my cheeks, as my vision got blurry. How did it come to this, how was this even possible? Who was controlling me!?? I questioned myself while being pinned up aganist the lockers, being cuffed and put into the back of the cop car. I was in shock I didn't know how to exactly feel, I was confused, it still hasn't hit me, maybe it's all just a dream still, yeah I'm dreaming right?...
I then shut my eyes, thinking how to try and wake myself from this 'dream' but it wasn't working. I then heard the ambulance sirens. "No no no no this can't be happening", I said to myself. I then start to bang my head back onto my seat harder and harder. The police looked back and sighed as they told me to stop. I kept talking to myself, "This can't be real", it then all starts to hit me. "No I can't be blamed for this. I was not myself, no one will believe me, they'll think of me as a lunatic." I kept blabbering to myself and the cops kept looking back at me and nodding in as if they felt bad. I felt stuck. There was nothing I could do. The cops then came, opened the door and told me my rights, "You have the right to remain silent- blah blah blah- yada yada- if you don't have an attorney- blah blah.." I know how this goes. I sigh as they took me away. My parents then bailed me out later that day, they did not even blink an eye to me. I noticed they have a suitcase tied up to the top of the car, I try and cheer up the mood by saying, "We don't need to move it's okay I can fix this." But, they completely ignored me and I know where they're taking me, they think I'm crazy, so I must be getting sent to Cenus Youth Psychiatric Health Facility or as I call it "The House for The Mentally ill". I decided to enjoy my time looking out of the window before we got there. But, once we arrived, they took my suitcase down then got back in the car, and still did not say a word to me. They avoided eye contact and waited till I started to walk toward the entrance, my dad pulled out his phone and started to call someone. I suddenly hear the doors to the entrance and a nurse, stepped out and waved at them while she also held a phone up to her ear. I looked back at them and they had already started the car to leave. I felt so ashamed of myself at that point I actually wanted to kill myself. But at last I couldn't, so I started walking towards the entrance where the nurse waited for me. I went inside and was welcomed by a lot of kids and some of my age. I felt welcomed but I still did not feel at ease since I knew I didn't belong here. It wasn't so bad though, some kids and others had their episodes, but I didn't hear the hideous raspy voice of the lady again after the incident which I was afraid of, I was not sure when she'd decide to return and it haunts me.
After being there for 5 months, I didn't think she'd come back, since she had made no appearance, I'm sure she won't be back anymore. I stayed in this Mental Home for almost a full year. I was mainly still there longer than expected for having episodes of mood swings that I couldn't control after the incident. That is only why I stayed so long, those episodes delayed my release date every month. But, they gave me a different dosage once I was there for 6 months to try and control it, they also did put me into a meditation class they had, they had me stay a couple months to see if it helped and it did that's when I was then released on August 19th 2011. My parents were outside waiting for me and see they didn't visit me, not once while I was staying here. And, they dare be happy to look me in the eye this time. Like they just left and couldn't EVEN LOOK ME IN MY EYES OR SAY GOODBYE WHEN THEY LEFT ME HERE! I didn't even want to argue or bat an eye at them. I looked down and kept walking towards them, I left my suitacse next to the car for my dad. My mom on the otherhand hugged me. I didn't hug her back, she then continued to say, "How are you doing, is the medication working, did you make any friends?" I sighed and looked her in the eyes, I had no emotion. I love my parents, I really do but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I then turn around without saying a word to her and got in the car. As we all finally got ready to leave, dad suddeny said, "Oh here you go kiddo, if you don't want to talk to us yet, you can at least text us." I look up at them and see my dad holding out my phone with my earphones still connected to them, they still kept these? I thought they'd give it away or at least wouldn't have given it back so soon. I take the phone and turn it on, I notice everythings still the same as the way I last left it, they must've just turned it off as soon as they got their hands on it. I put my earbuds in and went to the group chat I have with my parents on messages.
DAD & MOM
ME
...thanks
They both look back at me and smiled. I then go to my music and pressed play. I then look out the window the entire ride home. I didn't really have social media before, so I didn't need to worry about any notifications or spam when I turned my phone on. I didn't expect Lina to text me either after what had happened. She probably most likely deleted my number. So I deleted her contact. Lina was my only friend, the only bestfriend I had. But, I'm sure that's over, I must be her worst enemy now. I couldn't go back to school, I still wasn't ready, but my parents had it covered, they had signed me up for home school, my mom got her teaching degree online of course while I was gone. She figured she didn't want to send me back so soon. So, I was self-taught on some things, and home schooled by my mom on the rest of the other things.
A month passed since I was finally released. I had been thinking hard about starting social media, since no one knows anything about me, I decided to start a Kik account. I also had gotten a console to play video games. I have made a couple online friends on there as well. But I didn't dare to give them my number or anything, so I only spoke to them when we game. But, last night I met someone really nice, it was fun playing the game with him, we stayed up past 5 a.m still playing together. He has the same time zone as me so I figured he lived in the same state maybe. I then later found out his name is Xeno, quite a unique name, I was shocked by it since I've never heard a name like it, but it's cute, I like it. He is also the same age as me, I will not lie, I did tell him about the incident, and he.. he didn't think I was crazy. I was stunned that he didn't find me crazy. But, I mean to be fair he believes in the paranormal, devil, cults, etc... All the things similar to that, and he thinks what possibly possessed me was a demon. He didn't say the name since he's also still new to learning about all the different demons and demonical things. But, he believes me, he's the first to believe me of the whole situation and how I wasn't in control and how my actual physical body was stuck in my mind. I haven't ever felt understood, not even with the ones at the Mental House. I found it quite funny how comfortable I had gotten with him in under a night. Maybe it's because I don't have to face him and he's just someone online. A couple of weeks passed, me and him have been playing more and everytime he would always try and keep me cheered up, even after the terrible games we had lost. He was very sweet and caring. No wait, I don't have feelings for him do I?... Shit... I wasn't expecting myself to fall for someone online. As I was lost in thought, I slightly heard him say through the mic, "Hey.. um do you have Snapchat or Instagram?", I was in shock, does he want to talk to me more than when we just play? I know what those two apps are, I just never really wanted to get super into social media. So I said to him, "Umm no I don't, I really only use Kik..." He laughed and called me a "Boomer". I scoffed. He then asked, "Can I have your username for Kik, if you don't mind?", I went silent and thought about it, I mean it wouldn't hurt if I just gave it to him right?. "Yeah sure, it's LUVKILLSXP all caps." He giggled, and I knew why. Yeah sure my name may be cringe but I couldn't come up with a good one. So I continued and said, "What's funny?" He replied saying , "I was expecting you to have your name and a few numbers as your user." I then hear my phone go off *ding*, I grab my phone and see
Kik
TOXICSLAUGHTER
what's up boomer
I laughed and told him, "Soooooo toxicslaughter, want to keep chatting on kik, I think I'm going to get off the game now." He laughed and said "Yeah let's do that." We chatted all night, to my surprise he doesn't mind that I don't really want to share my real name, how I want to keep it as a secret for now. He says I'm quite mysterious and an interesting girl, and that... he likes that of me. I blushed hard and got smiley about it. But I decided to leave it to that and told him I was going to head to bed. And so I did.
A couple months have passed it's now the month of February. February 6th,2012, Xeno (aka toxicslaughter), texted me earlier saying:
TOXICSLAUGHTER
hey can I ask u sum thing later
it's a super serious question...?
LUVKILLSXP
Yeah of course
I'm curious on what he wanted to ask me, these past couple of months have been great talking with him, he also started helping me with being schooled since I also told him I'm homeschooled, me and Xeno have gotten pretty close these past few months. Yeah, if you're wondering I still do have a crush on him. I've been getting to know him more, and I really have found deep interest in him, yeah I know stupid of me falling for someone online, but I couldn't resist, I really like him. Yeah I know, he doesn't know what I look like and I don't know what he looks like but I don't think I'll care for his looks plus I never was really into someone for looks. Anyways, we're getting off topic, he says he has something to ask me. I'm kinda nervous, he never usually asks questions in a super serious manner, the last time he has was when he asked when's my birthday, since he wanted to get me a gift. But, he's in school right now, he is in high school, he attends a public one is all I know, so I'll just wait till he's available.
I ended up falling asleep for a bit, I checked the time and it's 4:37 p.m, I put my phone down and as soon as I did I hear it go off *ding*. I quickly grab my phone hoping it's Xeno and it is!!
TOXICSLAUGHTER
sorry I took a while I had
detention after school ':)
LUVKILLSXP
it's okay no worries :p,
so what were u gonna
ask me?
TOXICSLAUGHTER
oh yeah uhhh, I'm kinda
nervous to ask but um...
LUVKILLSXP
comon spit it out lol
TOXICSLAUGHTER
Do you want to be my Valentine?
LUVKILLSXP
...typing
I was not sure what to say, I was shocked like SHOCKED SHOCKED. I didn't know how to reply, I was soooo happy, I decided to grab a pillow and yell into it while jumping up and down. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE ASKED ME TO BE HIS VALENTINE!!! I then hear my phone go *ding ding ding* I look back and rush to grab my phone trampling over my messy floor. I finally grab and opened my phone.
TOXICSLAUGHTER
so what do u say??
hellllllloooooo??
You there???
LUVKILLSXP
hmmmm....
TOXICSLAUGHTER
...typing
LUVKILLSXP
YES OF COURSE! I
WOULD LOVE TO BE
YOUR VALENTINES <3
TOXISLAUGHTER
REALLY!!? NO FUCKING
WAY YOU AREN'T
KIDDING RIGHT?
LUVKILLSXP
I'M NOT KIDDING
SILLY. I'M SERIOUS
YES AND YES AGAIN
TOXISLAUGHTER
HELLLL YEAHHHH
I was super nervous
to ask you. But how
about a movie night?
I know a website we
can use, where the
both of us can
watch a movie
together and be on
call.
LUVKILLSXP
It sounds great for
our Valentine's date.
Can't wait for it :) !!!!
We kept texting all afternoon, till it reached nighttime he had said goodnight since there still was school for him the next day after all.
February 14th, 2012, 7:21 p.m, Valentine's Day... soooooo.. the day came, me and Xeno are on call. We're actually looking for a movie, debating between a Rom-Com or a Horror movie. As we kept looking, we caught an eye to a Horror movie called Devil. Seeee Xeno had gotten me into the topics of Demonical things, the whole side to it all. So we both agreed to it and started the movie. 1 hour and 20 minutes later... We got done with the movie, we then talked about our thoughts on it and how we thought it was a bit confusing at first but really interesting to watch still. We actually learned a few things while watching the movie, the devil actually can take form in any way, and make an appearance out of the blue. It was a great horror movie we decided to have movie nights every month at least. Anyways though, I enjoyed my time, sure it may have not been in person, but I still loved the time I spent with him. We ended the night, getting on Black Ops 1 zombies. We decided to just kill zombies while we talked more non-stop. It was a great night and the best Valentine's I ever had.
July 6th, 2012, my birthday, so today is my birthday, I woke up to hearing a knock at the door. I knew it wasn't mom or dad since they had left earlier for work. I get up and go towards the door to check and I see the mailman outside waiting with a box in hand. I opened the door and looked at the box, and written in huge caps says XENO on the front of it. Yeahhhhh... I might've given him my address but I didn't give him my name still. He promised to not give it to anyone so I'm trusting him. I grabbed the box from the mailman and thanked him. I closed the door and rushed back into my room with it. I was super excited to open it, I got my pair of scissors and started to cut off the tape. Once I opened it I seen a letter, a cute snuggle bear with a certificate next to it, candies, a few fnaf (five night's at freddy's) keychains and a few books I have been wanting for a couple of months. I couldn't believe my eyes, I knew he had gotten me gifts but I wasn't expecting these kind. I was super happy, I took a photo of the gifts in the box and sent it to Xeno.
LUVKILLSXP
thank you a lot!!! I
love all the gifts so much <3
I knew he was still in school since it was barley 12:10 p.m . So, I decided to get the candies and grab one of the books he had gotten me, to start reading while I waited for him to get out of school.
Later that day, 4:30 p.m , *ding* I open my phone and see a message from Xeno.
TOXICSLAUGHTER
ur welcome I'm glad u
loved them... sooo u read
my letter to u ':) ?
SHOOT I forgot about it and the snuggle bear. I grabbed the bear first with the certificate on it, on the certificate it has the bear's name. Xeno had called it 'Snuggle Monster' . I also took the keycains out and put them on my desk, up along side my book collection and game setup. I then grab the letter for last and it says,
I know we have only known each other for barley a few months. But, I wanted to admit and say I have a crush on you. Sorry, if it's a bit weird of me, you're just this amazing, funny, mysterious girl I want to discover and be with. I know we also haven't seen each others faces as well, but I am for certain, I will still like whoever you are behind this paper. I'm hoping we can meet someday luvkillsxp. And hoping we can always stay in touch to be apart of each others lives from now and on. But please let me know how you feel and that I'm not the only one who feels this way...
Love,
Xeno<3
I- I'm- woah okay uhh. Shiiit, I'm lost in words, my mind just went poof, blank. I felt frozen, I do feel the same way as well, I like you too Xeno. But, one thing holding me back is the incident, what if she comes back and she only does when I really like someone. I know I'm going to self-sabotage myself right now, because I am getting a chance with him. It's just scary. It's been 2 years without her coming back, and I do think she's gone but what if it's only when I really like someone, what if that is why she hasn't returned because I haven't crushed on anyone while I was away. I'm sorry Xeno, Forgive Me ...
LUVKILLSXP
Xeno, I do feel the same way,
I like you too. But, I still don't
feel ready to get into a relationship.
We should still take our time to get
to know each other more, since we still
don't know each other too well. Is that
okay with you?...
TOXICSLAUGHTER
...typing
I'm okay, this is okay, I know Xeno will understand. I just feel so guilty:/ . Me and him could date, yeah maybe it's too soon still but we still can date and get to know each other more along the way. It just still haunts me up to this day. Yes, I was sure she wouldn't be back but, I'm still uneased by it all.*ding* I look back at my phone and see Xeno's message.
TOXICSLAUGHTER
Yeah that's okay with me :)
I was just afraid u didn't feel
the same way. But, I'm still just even
happy with knowing u also
feel the same way towards me.
So, let's do this the right way and take our time<3
I was so happy, even a tear shed from my eye. I'm just glad he's understanding. After that message, me and him decided to call for the night and just chat. So we did, and that was that. Xeno, thank you for still being around, you're really important to me now, please don't leave.
September 2nd, 2012, 8:43 p.m . Tomorrow I start regular school, I have told Xeno about it as well. My parents ended up telling me they think I'm ready so they'll be sending me back to in person public schools but worst of all, BACK TO MY OLD HIGH SCHOOL. Like, what in the fuck came across their minds to send me back there?? Do they think everyone's already forgotten about the whole situation. I was starting to panic, and I hear a *ding* I had forgot I was in the middle of texting Xeno, I open up our messages...
TOXICSLAUGHTER
U worried bout tmw?
LUVKILLSXP
hehe yea, it's just last time I was there
you remembered what happened
what if someone still brings it up
...what if they call me a freak
TOXICSLUAGHTER
just try ur best to ignore them if they do
put ur earbuds in to help keep out
any negative comment
and remember u can also text me whenever
if u need me my little demon <3
Yeah yeah I know cringey but I find it really cute. That also relaxed me a bit, so I decided to put music on and fall asleep. Tomorrow I start school. I got this, hopefully everyone's past it or at least doesn't try to bother me so I can be alone. In my own world...