8. Can't reveal too much
I was sitting on my balcony, drinking coffee and watching how pigeons flew on the sky, to roof after another. An early morning, or not so early because it was 10am already. And not morning to me anymore, I slept only two hours.
I felt so much anxiety for the entire night, millions of thoughts were on my mind at the same time. But mostly I was thinking about one thing; what would be the nicest way to die?
I thought about future, what there could be for me.
Maybe meeting new people, getting a nice job, not being depressed..? See the world, travel. I've never done that in my life.
But at the same time, it sounds too scary for me.
I know that I can't run away from my problems, I can't get rid of my bleak and poisoned mind and soul. And heart.
Nothing is going to change. I don't want to believe that but I'm afraid that's the truth.
How could things be better for me?
Therapist is not helping anymore, or I feel like it.
I'm hiding my thoughts, my true feelings.
In my opinion no one else deserves to know them.
No one wants to hear them.
I placed the coffee mug on a small table and I decided to take an cigarette and a lighter. I put it between my lips, first the lighter didn't want to do what it's meant to do, but for my relief it worked after a while.
The smoke was flying away to the air, and I took my phone from the table.
Not any notifications. Well that's not a suprise.
Still I decided to scroll it through, trying to find something interesting.
But then I remembered one thing.
Last night we were at the restaurant and I still have Joonas' jacket. I rolled my eyes and sighed as I put the phone away.
I can already imagine how he's waiting for me to call or text...
I'm not in the mood right now. I can't even stay awake, that coffee wasn't helping at all.
But I have his freaking jacket, I need to give it back to him. If I'm keeping it for myself he thinks that I stole it or I'm sleeping with it.
What?
I wanted to let out a loud groan but my whole neighbourhood would think that I'm completely insane. Probably they would call the police.
I was done with the cigarette so I dumped it to a plate that was on the table. There were few of them.
I walked back inside and closed the door after me.
The jacket was still on the chair waiting for his owner. And the stupid piece of paper was on the kitchen table, waiting for me to do something about it.
I took it in my hand and I opened my phone, searching for the number thing.
"You think you're smooth Mr. funny guy?" I mumbled quietly as I pressed the right numbers one after another.
And as I was done I had to write his name on there. First I started to put his name on there, but I removed that.
"Mr. Funny guy." I whispered with an evil smirk on my face. You've got a new name Joonas. How's that?
First I was about to call him, but if he's sleeping? Or in the studio? I don't want to bother like that.
I opened messages and almost started writing to him, but my heart was beating faster than ever.
He thinks I already miss him, I can't take contact to him now!
But when then? Fuck. Should I call, or text...
"Fuck it." I let out and pressed his name.
The phone started to call to him, I put the phone on a speaker and walked around my apartment.
After a moment he finally answered and I felt like my voice would start to shake because of the anxiety.
"Joonas on the phone." I heard his voice, but it was completely silent in the background. Maybe he wasn't at the studio rehearsing?
"That's how you answer?" I responded frowning, but kinda amused. I heard how he stood up from somewhere and letting out a small gasp.
"Didn't except you to call me. How else I would answer? Whoever is calling they know it's me." He explained and his voice was so innocent again.
Somehow I could imagine how his other hand is moving around while he's trying to explain.
I just smiled stupidly and shook my head.
"You would just say your name, it's enough. We're not living in the 80s anymore. And I have your jacket, you miss it?" I walked back to the kitchen and looked at the jacket.
"Kinda.. I'm feeling cold in here on my clean sheets without it. You interrupted my sleep by the way, just wanted you to know so you would feel a bit quilty." I could hear in his voice how he's smirking, I also heard how he jumped back on the bed.
"Well I slept two hours so where's my pity?" I let out a nervous chuckle while I took the empty coffee mug and placed it to the sink.
He didn't answer, I almost thought the connection broke because it was so silent. So I pressed the screen but no, the call was still on.
I watched as the seconds kept going.
This is why I hate myself, I always hit these things to air.
"You know I like how you're sarcastic and well.. self-irony is that kind of what me and the boys are doing. But.. do you need company..? Like.. maybe now or later?"
The way he spoke, it made me feel like someone was hugging me.
I freezed, staring at those dirty dishes in my sink.
"I don't know.. I should do stuff..." I only responded, hesitating.
I kinda wanted to meet him, he's nice and all but.. I don't know.
And the answer I gave him was bad. It's obvious that I don't have anything to do and I'm sure he heard it from my voice.
"Well.. can I even come to get my jacket back..?" He asked, and it made me feel really bad. He sounded disappointed. I hated myself right now, more than anything else. But my thoughts were fighting against each other. I closed my eyes and bit my teeth together, I wanted myself to feel bad physically too.
It started to hurt so I stopped it, and gave him the answer.
"Of course."
Now I was waiting for him to come, I changed my clothes to that kind of ones like I would go somewhere. It felt so stupid, but I had to do this.
When I just got my other earring on I heard the doorbell ring. I took the last look from the mirror and I stared my reflection disappointed.
I walked to the door and carefully opened it, and there he was standing. He have me a small smile and I let him in.
"You look nice.. I mean.. well I already said it." He said nervous while we walked further to the apartment and his words made me smile a bit.
"I don't see anything bad on compliments. But here's your jacket." I took it from the chair and handed it to him.
He took it and looked at it, then his eyes lifted up to meet mine.
We were silent, only this staring contest kept going.
I felt so bad for lying to him, I hate lying. I can't stand it.
"You have nice home." He cleared his throat and started to look around, I looked as he walked here and there.
"Yeah.. I don't like it that much but I guess it's comfy." I sighed and put my hand on the backrest of the chair and leaned against it.
"Don't like, why's that?" He frowned and stopped, and stared at me while licking his lips. I don't know why but it caught my attention and I stared at his.. well lips if I'm honest. Then I fastly looked away and took a deep breath.
"Uhm.. I don't like being in here. I would like to move or even go to a vacation or something.. far away from here. Feels like I can't breathe in here."
I stared those walls and swallowed.
I said too much. I can't reveal too much.
Silence again. And my eyes slowly moved to Joonas again, but he was already looking at me.
He hold that jacket in his hands, and I saw him squeezing it a little bit.
"You know.. I know how you're feeling." He said then and started to take slow steps towards me.
He watched his feet while coming closer.
And then he stopped, about one meter away from me.
I swallowed again, my throat screamed for water.
"I don't want to sound like an idiot or anything, but I would like to get to known to you better. I'm serious." He said and he had much more confidence now than before.
I felt dizzy, I needed an escape.
I looked at the clock on my wall and I had to pretend that I'm in hurry.
"I have to go now. It was nice to see you again and that number thing on the pocket was smooth, but I have to go before I'm late." I walked away from him while picking up my stuff and throwing them to a bag.
He watched this crazy show as I fastly put my shoes on, he followed me outside from the apartment.
He didn't get to say anything, but I saw he wanted to talk. I just ran down the stairs and took my phone out of my pocket. I needed to call someone.
When we both got out from the building and before I could have the chance to escape, he took a grip of my wrist and it made me stop and look at him confused.
His blue eyes begged for me to listen.
"I see you're avoiding me, I don't know why but.. I really want to know you better. If there's anything I could do to prove it to you, I will. " He said and didn't even blink once.
His words hurt my heart, I felt so stupid again.
Oh how much I wanted to apologize him, but the voice was too loud in my head.
"It's just hard to believe that someone wants that." I answered shyly while I watched him taking slow steps backwards, away from me.
"How about we see in couple days, I'll take you somewhere, whatever it was I'll pay." He suggested smirking, and he seemed to be much happier now.
I just nodded as an answer, and he smiled too while winking to me and turning around.
That left me speechless, but then I remembered I had to make an call.
"Hi Eevi, do you have time to see now? I need to talk to you." I said relieved when she answered to my call.
So, finally Saga let Joonas to have a chance.
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