It was hard not to think they had stepped into some sort of wormhole overnight. Ant had stepped out of his front door that morning to be greeted by a collection of photographers and journalists hovering across the road. He'd joined Dec and Stephen in the car, fighting his heart to stop it from sinking when they both looked exhausted before the day had even started.
By the afternoon, as he followed Dec towards the green room, it was clear that the older man didn't want to deal with all the usual formalities that day. He didn't want to make small talk with the judges or even the contestants; his need to keep Stephen shielded from everything was palpable and the fact that he couldn't do that seemed to play heavily on his mind. He'd been quiet, even more stressed out before a show than normal.
As they rounded the corner, the green room door opened and Stephen stepped out, leaning against the wall just outside and rocking his head back against it. He didn't see them, letting out a sigh and screwing up his face with pent up frustration.
Dec kept walking, only faltering for a second but long enough for Ant to see it. There was somehow more tension across his shoulders now, a pain that was difficult to watch, rolling off of him in waves.
"Hey," he murmured, resting a hand on Stephen's arm as Ant hung back a little. When Stephen opened his eyes, he unbelievably tried to pull off a convincingly cheerful expression which Dec met with a determined stare. "What's happened?"
"Nothing," the younger man replied tiredly, shaking his head. "It's stupid."
"Stevie," Dec said firmly, "What's happened?"
"I talked to them," he said reluctantly, closing his eyes when Dec's eyes immediately flashed with anger. Ant frowned, not following the conversation. "They're being a bit – difficult about it."
"Difficult how?" Dec asked suspiciously, running a hand through his own hair. "If they're refusing to keep quiet tonight..."
"David thinks I should say something," Stephen interjected, quiet but enough to cut Dec off. "He says it's letting people like that win if I don't."
"Bullshit," Dec glowered, the force of his voice making Stephen wince. "He doesn't get to tell you how to act after something like this. None of them have any idea..."
Ant got the gist of it fairly quickly. He knew the judges sometimes steered Stephen's segment with them off-course, that he always had to be on his toes, keeping the conversation moving in the right direction. With everything else going on, it hadn't crossed Ant's mind that any of them might think to bring up what had happened the previous night to condemn it like they'd been unable to before.
"Dec." Stephen grabbed Dec's arm before he even made a move, pre-empting Dec's intentions. He half-heartedly steered them away from the room, only making it a couple of metres before Dec shook him off. "Don't."
"What did you say to him?" Dec asked challengingly. "Enough to stop him from derailing the show?"
Stephen shrugged, loosening his grip on Dec's arm and leaning back against the wall with a sigh. "I asked all of them not to bring it up – said I'd find it easier if we just moved on like nothing had happened."
"And are they going to pay attention to that?"
"I don't know," Stephen mumbled. "I'll just deal with it."
Dec threw his hands in the air, grumbling under his breath frustratedly. "What the hell, Stevie?! If you don't want them to bring it up - don't you think you've put up with enough this week to get that from them?"
"Dec," Stephen tried again, gaze following the older man's back as he headed towards the green room. "Declan!"
Dec disappeared through the door without another word, leaving him to rock his head back against the wall for the third time, looking endlessly fed up. Ant stopped hanging back, walking over to lean against the wall alongside him, not sure what to say.
"I don't want him arguing with people on my behalf," Stephen muttered, not opening his eyes to see who it was. "I can fight my own corner." Ant smiled sadly, resting a hand on his shoulder.
"He wants to look after you, mate," he said gently. "It's shaken him, having to watch that last night. I think he just wants to do something." Stephen still didn't look convinced. He also looked vaguely embarrassed, like he was regretting being so open with Ant last night. Ant tried not to think about that too much. "It's not like David holds grudges over things anyway. Even if they have a bit of a bust up about this, they'll be back to normal tomorrow."
"If?" Stephen echoed, finally looking at him. "You mean when, right?"
Ant laughed under his breath, shrugging. "He's Scrappy Doo, isn't he? It wouldn't be Dec if he didn't lose his temper sometimes."
As if on cue, a suddenly raised voice reached them from through the green room door.
"And when did you get to make that decision for him?"
Stephen winced again, not having to wait long for David's reply.
"Do you think any of us want to sit through something like that again? You have to make a stand or people think it's alright. Or they'll think we were alright with it."
"Is he right?" Stephen asked softly, letting his walls back down briefly. Ant opened his mouth to reply, cut off by Dec's irate response.
"You don't know how that made him feel, David! Maybe give him a day or so to just get through a show in one piece, eh?"
"You don't have to do anything until you're ready to," Ant said, registering David's voice re-entering the fray but straining to hear anything he was saying. Even then, it was inaudible. Stephen nodded jerkily, closing his eyes when Dec started up again.
"I know you're trying to do what you think is best here and I get that you want to help. All I'm asking is that you hold off on the social justice until Stevie says he's alright with it, okay?"
There was a pause. Ant hoped that would be the end of it but another Geordie rant followed the latest patch of silence.
"He's had homophobic abuse yelled at him on live TV, David! I think this is already the last place he or I want to be today, without having to deal with the thought that someone might spring what happened on him all over again this evening. Now, I don't want to watch that and I'm pretty damn sure he doesn't want to deal with it – not after everything else. So, please, just consider how you are going to make him feel if you derail the show for the second night in a row – even if you are trying to help."
Ant risked a glance at Stephen, the coil in his chest loosening when he saw just the flicker of a smile play on his face. Dec had a protective streak you could probably see from space, something that Ant was always oddly proud of. His loyalty couldn't be denied, even if he did sometimes have a short temper when people around him were hurting the ones he cared about the most.
When he emerged from the green room, he took one look at the two of them and started to look guilty, realising that it had all been audible. Maybe he was remembering how Stephen had asked him not to, that he'd called him back a couple of times. Or maybe he was running the shouting match he'd just had back through his head, pinpointing every bit that might have upset Stephen.
So, it was fair to say he looked surprised when Stephen embraced him tightly, kissing his forehead and then holding him at arm's length, leaning down to kiss him properly.
"Thank you," Stephen said, an almost shy smile playing on his face. "You really didn't have to do that."
"I think he's got the idea," Dec said sheepishly.
"You think?" Ant teased, careful to channel all of that pride into his eyes as Dec looked over Stephen's shoulder at him.
"I'm pretty sure the whole building got the idea," Stephen joined in, briefly squeezing Dec's hand.
"He said he'd wait for you to ask him before he says anything," Dec said softly, "He meant well; he just didn't get that you might be more comfortable getting a normal show under your belt tonight."
Stephen smiled gratefully again, not needing to say anything out loud for Dec to hear him.
The countdown to the show had started and Ant was relieved the first potential problem of the day had been at least momentarily avoided.
(*~*)
The brief calm didn't last long.
They were sat backstage on a box of equipment, Dec's head tucked between Stephen's shoulder and his chin, his eyes closed. On the surface it looked like Stephen was comforting Dec and, truthfully, they were probably both benefiting from the moment of stillness, but Ant knew that it was the opposite that was primarily taking place.
"I don't know how we never saw this coming with the two of them." A voice interrupted his not-so-subtle prying, dragging his eyes away from that microcosm of peace and over to David, who looked at Stephen and Dec with a strange mixture of affection and disbelief.
Ant could see the slight tension on everyone's faces; David, with Amanda stood just behind him; the hope that they wouldn't see a repeat performance of the previous evening palpable. With ten minutes to go, it was like being strapped to a fast-moving train, the wind whipping away every logical thought and leaving behind a quiet sense of dread. Ant wanted to think positively, for Stephen and Dec's sakes, although it was hard not to worry.
"They'll be alright," he said, forcing himself to sound sure. There was no room not to. "They just both need a good show tonight." It had become a mantra for that day, something to keep Stephen going and motivate Dec to do the same when he got that look of silent devastation on his face.
David winced a little, looking sheepish. "I'm not going to say anything."
"Good," Ant said shortly, although he quickly shrugged, "I wasn't trying to imply anything. They just really need... I don't think even Dec would be able to convince Stephen it was alright to come back if something similar happened."
He noticed David's attention had been stolen by the rainbow badge clipped to his suit pocket. He'd put it on without question when Dec had placed it in his hand wordlessly, closing his fingers into a fist around it and looking pleadingly for a minute, as if there had ever been a possibility that he'd need to convince Ant it was a good idea. David looked like he thought it was a good idea as well, although a glimmer of guilt undercut his expression as if he were remembering accusing Stephen of not doing anything to address what had happened.
Ant had felt a defiant sense of pride putting it on, getting a boost out of the fact that, in their own way, in Stephen's own way, they were making a statement. Earlier, before David and Amanda had turned up, Ant had watched Stephen fiddle with his own badge, stopped by Dec's hand covering his. It had been a gesture that spoke volumes; no more overthinking, be confident.
"You'd have to be persistent to get in tonight," Amanda offered up hopefully, "I've never seen so much security."
Ant nodded, looking back at Stephen and Dec fondly. They hadn't moved, eking out every second they could before they had to go their separate ways. He noticed David and Amanda looking too, something indecipherable in both of their expressions.
"He wouldn't even look at us last night, after it happened," David said eventually. It was the first that Ant had heard about the moments straight after. Dec had speculated unhappily about what it must have been like, sitting there with the pressure of the judges and audience for the two-minute commercial break. Ant had tried not to think about it.
"He'd barely look any of us in the eye this afternoon when he came to talk to everyone in the green room either," Amanda continued, "As if he's ashamed of it."
"He's upset," Ant corrected tentatively, knowing what Stephen was like. "Last night, he did what he had to do to get through another forty minutes of live TV. And, for now, he's doing that with the rest of the week too." He shook his head, careful not to say anything Stephen would rather keep private. "He's not had the easiest time with all this, even before yesterday. Something like this drags it all back up."
"The two of them must think this show is cursed," Amanda said, "After what happened last year and now last night."
In the midst of everything else, it hadn't occurred to Ant that it would have been a year of them being out in public. It disappointed him bitterly to think that time had ended with Stephen being treated like that in the middle of a show. He wondered if either of them had thought the same, or if they didn't keep track of an anniversary like that, still all too aware that it hadn't exactly been their choice to come out in the first place.
The three of them were startled out of their thoughts as Dec and Stephen stood up. The younger man let Dec pull him in close, bury his face against his shoulder and no doubt mutter something fiercely reassuring that he didn't entirely believe. Ant couldn't remember ever seeing so much fear written across Stephen's face, sick at how painfully vulnerable it made him look.
Once the show started, Ant knew that was it: no more time to protect him, no more time for Dec to overthink every possible, awful scenario. They'd be stuck until the end of both shows, left to do nothing but wait with bated breath as he pulled himself through what was likely to be the slowest hour of his life.
David and Amanda had made themselves scarce, each resting a reassuring hand on his shoulder, like they realised this affected Ant more than it did them. He supposed it did, in a way. He'd seen enough to know why Stephen had avoided making eye contact afterwards, to be able to guess what he was thinking, to see through the shame and deal with the newly out, scared teenager who poked through the cracks.
It was the same with Dec. When he had one of his own bad days, there was something younger about him, like he'd never quite shaken that mindset he'd carried with him before finally telling Ant the truth. It was the momentary fear of judgement, the panic that all of the good was going to be taken away by a single thing that he couldn't change about himself.
They were old enough to not have to think like that anymore. Ant so desperately wanted both of them to feel supported enough that those ideologies couldn't even get a look in. But the damage ran deep; deep in the lines furrowing Stephen's brow, deep in the tremors shaking his hands.
Ant wanted them both to be okay. He was tired of having to look after and reassure and try to pick up the pieces when things went wrong. Not because he wouldn't do it every single time he had to, but because it was a stab in the chest to see either of them look so uncertain of themselves.
He just wanted that night to go well.