Lorelei and Gwen decided to have a girl's day. It was the first day out of three that they had off. No shows, no planes, and no work to be done. This was a small vacation. Sure, they were stuck in Tulsa, but they could still have fun. The sun would be out for at least today.
They walked along the sidewalk, sightseeing until they came upon a strip of shops. "Can we go in?" Gwen nodded and they went into the large store on the corner. The sign out front read Gimbles in big neon letters.
Gwen wasn't a fan of the shop, now preferring a warm London look. She didn't consider this while she was still in there, but living in England was making a big impact on her. Her style was the main victim of this new life. She wore sweater vests, thick pants, jackets, and platform loafers. She dressed like Jimmy but with a more feminine, witchy edge.
"Oh my gosh, look at this!" Lorelei held up a white satin dress. It was long with pink flowers and short, flouncy sleeves.
"That is so cute! You need to get it. It would look great on you." Gwen said.
"I have to try it on first. I am so short that long dresses don't fit me."
Gwen busied herself with looking through the racks while Lorelei went to try her dress on. She found a black skirt. It was pleated and had buttons. She imagined wearing it in the few short weeks of English sun that would be out when they went back home. Lorelei returned five minutes later, wearing a smile, boasting that her dress fit.
They continued shopping for a little while longer. Lorelei's final haul was something out of Granny Takes a Trip. It was psychedelic, calling back to fashion from a few years ago. That is why Gwen didn't like Gimbles. It was never updated and didn't suit her preferences. She'd found a few pleasing pieces, a halter with multiple sun faces, a vest, and a checkered dress. She was sure Jimmy would steal the vest but wanted it for herself regardless.
They went into three more stores, where Gwen bought nothing. Lorelei found a nice pair of sunglasses and a few more pieces of clothing. Back on the pavement, the hot sun beat down on their necks and parched their throats. They decided to get ice cream to solve their problem.
"This is perfect." Lorelei sighed as they sat on a picnic bench.
"It's so nice out. I feel great in the sun." Gwen said. She tried her best to enjoy it, knowing she would soon be back in the cold climate of England.
"I'm ready for fall. It's a little too hot here."
"Well, when you've been living in an ice box for a year, the sun is a welcome change."
"It can't be that cold in England. It's not even that cold in France."
"You've been to France?" Gwen asked, pulling her sunglasses down.
"Yeah, with an old band boyfriend," she looked away, licking her ice cream.
Gwen chuckled to herself. "You're always surprising me."
"You know, I'm surprised you and Jimmy are together."
Gwen crinkled her brow. "Why is that?"
"Well, he's a Capricorn, for one. You don't take well to their stubbornness," Gwen nodded. She wasn't wrong about that, "And he's a total slut. A lady-killer."
"What do you mean by that? You've mentioned his reputation before, but I never wanted you to elaborate. I want you to now." Her voice was pointed but she wasn't angry. The integrity of her relationship being questioned hit a sore spot. She was no longer on stable footing, her insecurities on display. She didn't enjoy being splayed open, exposed for Lorelei to dissect all her points of contrast.
"I knew this girl once who dated him. Well, dated in loose terms. You know how it is in the groupie scene. She was a lovely girl, honestly. I really liked her. She dated Jimmy for like two months, she went on a short tour with them. She was one of the longest girls he kept around. But then one day, he was with another girl and it killed her. She cried and cried to me. He's a lady killer." Lorelei's words were apathetic, a little tone-deaf. Perhaps she wasn't thinking and didn't realize the effect her story would have on Gwen.
"But she also got her heart broken by Jim Morrison and Hendrix. Maybe she's just an idiot. She seems to have a thing for Jimmy's." She was laughing now but it was too late. The humor was lost on Gwen, who was ten feet deep in a spiral of anxiety.
After this tale, a seed was planted in Gwen's mind. The ravenous thoughts that filled her wouldn't be quenched by a simple conversation. This was deep, this was insecurity.
They continued with their shopping trip, lugging their bags up and down aisles of clothing racks and shoes. Gwen didn't buy anything else. All she could think about were the words lady killer and what that meant for her.
"What about these? Are they cute?" Lorelei asked, holding up a tank top and skirt set.
"I think you'd look better in pink," Gwen shrugged, rifling through a rack of scarves.
"You're right," Lorelei said. She put the outfit back on the rack.
Back on the street Gwen couldn't help but feel the oppressive force of the sun. It wasn't charming and warm anymore. She was being cooked-- stewing from the inside out.
"Hey, you okay?" Lorelei's hand on her arms shook her back into reality. Her eyes snapped to the blonde, now resting on her sweet face.
"Yeah, just thinking."
"Don't get in your head about this, girl. Jimmy does not treat you like a groupie. He told me all about you before you came. He really loves you. From what I heard, he couldn't get enough of you and was enchanted."
"Really?"
"I believe the words he used were "we were made for each other, a perfect yin and yang"." She giggled at the recollection. That was the first time she officially met Jimmy. He was homesick, tired of tour already, and missing Gwen. He was smitten, even then, possibly more so now.
"He really said that?"
"Yeah. That was like the first thing I ever heard him say. He was talking about how much he liked you. It was really sweet. Especially now that I know Jimmy, he's not the type to say those things."
"No, he's not. Well, not to anyone but me. And even then, sometimes it's hard to get him to connect. I feel like there is a wall between us. But I think that's me."
"You put up walls?" She asked, continuing to devour her ice cream. She had the strawberry swirl and Gwen had plain chocolate. Hers was melting in the cup as she processed her feelings.
"Yeah, I do. Lots of them. I try to shut him out so he won't hurt me. I just can't trust him and I think it's more my fault."
"Have you tried talking to him about it?"
"Yeah, he tells me all the time that he's trying his hardest and I'm letting not him in. And then I let him in. And he's great. Every time I let him in, he's great and makes me feel really good. But there is a part of me that is always so scared that he's going to hurt me. I just try my best to shove him away before he can leave."
"I don't think he's going to leave. He seems totally obsessed with you."
"That's the problem. Once that obsession is over I'm afraid this will be too. And I'm afraid it's a lie. I can't shake the feeling that none of this is real. It feels too good to be true."
"You guys haven't been together very long, the honeymoon phase won't last forever. Eventually, you'll both see the real version of yourselves."
"And there's the issue! I don't want to waste another two years. I can't afford to. What happens if I let him in, I let him all the way in, and I really start to trust him. And then I fall for him. What if things don't work out after that? What am I supposed to do?"
"Then you didn't waste two years. You spent two years with someone and it didn't work out. You lose a hand, that's all. Just put your chips back on the table and keep playing."
"But I'm tired of losing hands. I want to win."
"Well, sometimes you just have to take that bet. If you're not willing to, then it won't work out. This game of "half in-half out" isn't helping you. Go big or go home."
"I guess you're right," she sighed, "but I have to tell you something else. I have to be honest with you, about why I'm so unsure of us." Lorelei looked at her in silence, eager to hear what she had to say. Gwen was dramatic in some ways, living up to her Pisces moon. She didn't give her feelings out wantingly. When getting close to her, one had to guess how she felt. She always put you on edge, hoping it wasn't negativity she felt. "When I was a teenager I started to do love magic. It was stupid, it was the first thing I did as a practicing witch. I did a manifestation spell, a calling to love. When we first got together Jimmy told me he'd been dreaming of me since he was 15. That was around the same time that I did my first spell. What if he's just under some kind of spell and doesn't genuinely feel that way?"
"You asked for love to come your way. Did it?"
"I didn't get into a relationship until I was 19, and by then I had already been doing these spells like once a month for years. I thought that was my true love, I felt so deeply for him that I thought he was it. But that fell apart and I lost faith in love. When I met Jimmy I thought it was going to be a fling, but it turned into..."
"This."
"Yeah, all of this. And it's so crazy. I mean, I'm on a North American tour with fuckin' Led Zeppelin taking photos. This is a fever dream in itself."
"I ask again, did love find you?"
"I think so." She'd finally broken through the shell, getting a straight answer from Gwen.
"Then there is nothing to worry about. You just have to jump off the cliff and trust that he's going to catch you."
After their talk was finished they threw their trash in the bin and began the walk back to the hotel. The journey seemed to stretch on into an endless Summer of heat and anxiety.
"If it helps, Robert and I are having problems too."
Gwen gasped dramatically. "What? Trouble in blonde town? What happened?"
Lorelei rolled her eyes. "You're ridiculous."
"No, seriously, what's wrong?" She felt better now that the attention was on her instead of Jimmy.
"I wanted to use the phone this morning but he was already on it."
"So?"
"Calling his wife," she grumbled.
Gwen sighed. This was inevitable. "I'm sorry, Lor."
"No, no, it's my fault. I do this every time! I always convince myself that they'll leave their wives or girlfriends for me. I convince myself that I matter more, that they like me more than they really do. I'm like a stupid kid."
Anxiety rose hot and fast through Gwen. She didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," she sighed, "not anything anyone can do. I guess I'll just... see how things go. And who knows, maybe this is the one who loves me more."
Gwen couldn't tell if she was joking or not.
The hotel sign finally came into view. They made their last strides in the Tulsa heat with a flourishing giggle about returning with all their loot. It was so cool in the lobby that the AC instantly dried the sweat that had created a thick shell on their heated skin. They were silent as they made their way to and out of the elevator.
"Thanks for the hang-out," Lorelei said before going to her room.
-
When she was safe in the tranquility of the room she sat on the bed with a heavy sigh.
"Are you all right?" Robert asked, poking his head out of the bathroom. He was fixing his appearance in front of the mirror. His hair was becoming flat from the weather. He was unaware that he was what was wrong.
"Yeah. I just had a depressing talk with Gwen." She lied through her teeth.
"What happened?" He asked again. He was now in the main room. He was shirtless but wearing a tight pair of jeans. She thought he looked absolutely divine. He was serving and she was starving.
"She is totally insecure about Jimmy's reputation as a whore." She brushed off the feeling pooling in her abdomen. It was the effect Robert had on her. It was constant, tribal drumming in her gut. He was like God, the way he shone. Her anger and sadness dissipated quicker than the sweat on her arms under the crisp hotel air conditioning. How could she be mad at him when he looked like that?
"She'll get over it soon enough. Those two were made for each other." He sat next to her. His hands were on her calves immediately, rubbing and massaging the skin.
"I think so too. They're both little weirdos. You know she spends all her time researching dead poets? I'm sure he loves that." She laughed as his hands traveled the expanse of her back.
"Oh, yes, he does. I bet when they get it on they recite Shakespeare and Dickinson to each other." They shared a laugh, their gleeful sounds creating a wonderful harmony in the isolation of their love. "Did you have a good day?" He asked.
"Um yeah, I did. Gwen's a lot of fun. Y'know, that's what I don't get about her. Why on Earth would such a lively and lovely girl pick boring old Jimmy? She could have anyone she wanted."
"I'm sure he's not boring to her. He's the kind of guy that doesn't like to show himself a lot. He's very reserved. I know firsthand how fun he can be. Especially to her. Their idea of fun is reciting Shakespeare and Dickinson to each other." They laughed again, louder and harder this time.
A large majority of their time was spent in crippling laughter, holding their guts, and grinning into madness. They were invested in intense feelings, ones of glee and romance. The other majority of their time was spent under covers and between sheets. It was here, in this carnal position, that their relationship thrived. They understood each other here, forming a perfect mirror of one another. They were made for each other to devour, to hold. Neither of them had ever met someone who could satisfy the other more.
"Lorelei, do you think this color looks nice on me?" He asked, looking in the mirror. He turned to her and struck a pose.
"I think it looks nice! But is that a woman's top?"
"It's Gwen's T-shirt, but don't tell her. She gets mad when I steal her clothes." They giggled at his actions. It was true, her anger at their theft. She made it a habit of yelling at them. Her clothing seemed to always disappear, mysteriously landing in the hands of certain men.
-
In the next room, things weren't so silly. Gwen was filled with a certain dread from the talk she had. She'd decided that running away was not going to work this time. She had to face the problem head-on.
"Jimmy, I need to talk to you." She'd made the first step. It was scary and her knees trembled, but she placed her feet on unstable ground.
"Yes, love?" He was just as nervous, equally unsure of what was to come.
"I talked to Lorelei and she told me about this girl you used to go out with. Apparently, you were a bit of a lady-killer, as she put it. I just want to know why. Why were you this way? And why end it?"
This surprised him. He didn't expect her to bring this up. She'd mentioned not wanting to discuss the past, that it was his business. He wasn't upset that she'd brought it up, just confused.
"Um, well, yeah, I was a lady-killer, if you want to say that. I guess I was just insecure. I wanted to feel important. I was living my Lord Byron fantasy. I was very young and women were throwing themselves at me. It was an exploration of ego, of limits. I wanted to know what I could get away with. It was terrible, I know. I feel horrible about it, the way I made them feel. I think I got off on it, in a sadist way. It fueled this idea I had of myself."
She was disgusted hearing him talk. To think that Jimmy could do this, was disgusting. She'd known him as a sweet and wonderful man. One who wouldn't hurt her. This Lovecraftian monster was simply not him. He was a harsh womanizer.
"But you put all the tricks to bed. When I met you it was like I was saved. You washed all the sins away and tucked all of the games into a drawer. There is nothing left in my defense, not a game in my repertoire. You knocked me on my backside and took all that ego. That person I used to be is gone, still blowing in the wind as we speak."
This whimsical display wasn't amusing to Gwen. It didn't help quench her fears or stop her anxieties. It all seemed too good to be true. The enlightening conversation she'd had with Lorelei was gone now. She was left naked and quivering in front of Jimmy, who watched as he spoke of his past self. She was silent still. She didn't know what to say. What could she say?
"Please, don't look at me that way," he picked up her hands and began massaging them as he spoke, "I know I cannot change who I used to be. But I can change how you see me. I know it was vile and so awful of me. But that's what a slight bit of fame does to a man. I promise you that I feel truly and deeply for you. I wouldn't lead you on. I want to spend all my days with you, all my nights even." He ended with a giggle, trying his best to brush her fears aside.
"Well, you're wrong. You weren't a man, you were a boy. I can't believe you used to be like that. It's awful."
"I know, and I am sorry to all those women and to you. But I cannot change what I have done."
"As long as you swear you're done with that life, I can look past that." She was stepping off the ledge now. The wind whistled in her ears and traipsed through her hair as she plummeted into the ravine of intimacy below. She was trusting him, against her better judgment.
"I hope you can love. Because that is not me anymore. And I would hate for my past mistakes to ruin the future. Especially when what we have is so good."
"It is, isn't it?" She was smiling now.
-
The sun had long set when Lorelei and Robert lay in bed. They intended to sleep, but both knew that would not be happening. They were far too smitten and giddy that night.
"Lorie?" He asked, rolling over to look at her.
"Yeah?" She responded as he lay his head on her chest.
He breathed a heavy breath. It sounded cathartic to her. "I really like spending time with you. You make me happy."
"I feel the same way about you, sweetie."
"You do?"
She laughed. "Of course. Why would I be here if that weren't the case?"
He sat up now, looking at her moon-drenched face. Her eyes were pallid and sweet under the soft light. He placed his thumb in the cleft of her chin and titled it slightly. His lips quivered slightly as he looked at her. He was stricken by a feeling of love.
"I like hanging out with you too," she said with a whimper. She looked at his lips, traveled the sprawling hillside view of his face, and reached a hand into his dense hair, "you make me feel good."
"We're like little kids. I like you, do you like me?" She bowed her head with a laugh."Will you be my girlfriend?" He said with a lilting giggle.
"Of course," she said.
It fell silent for a moment-- awkward. He didn't know what to say.
He looked at her once again. Their eyes joined with a soft tension, like a tugging of tight muscles. He smiled, breaking the weight between them.
"Goodnight," he said after he kissed her. It was gentler than it ever.
"Goodnight," she returned.
She thought of his wife as they settled into their reserved places next to one another. She drifted into Lorelei's mind in a cloud of misery. She wondered if he loved her. If he loved her.
She breathed out a trapped breath, porous and cumbersome. With a heavy head resting against her arm, she looked at the hotel room's walls. Their chateau. And wondered what Robert and Marueen's bedroom looked like.
Her thoughts reached an uncomfortable climax as he wrapped an arm around her waist. "G'night, love. See you in the morning," he whispered with a kiss to her temple. She was taken by his accent and empty words.
She wouldn't deny herself the presence of feeling whatever the truth, whatever his intention. She was in love.