Elizabeth's family had never been functional.
Her memories of her father were few and far between. The memories she had were filled with fear and loathing. Her father had always been especially hard on Charlie, constantly telling him he could be a better man, or which things he could excel at. Yet Violet faded into the background except for the rare times Violet and their father would have a spat. Elizabeth learned from a young age to keep her head down, to not attract attention. Beth's parents were critical people and had far too high of standards for their children compared to the people they were.
As all things ended with her family, her mother and father's divorce had gone down in flames and fighting. After a nasty divorce, Beth's father moved far away, and she hadn't spoken so much as a word to him in years. Not that she was complaining, she rather not remember him or think about him much. Not many happy things to think about, anyway.
Yet it always seemed as though his leaving affected Violet and Charlie so much more than it had her. Maybe it was their long time with him compared to Beth. Perhaps they had seen another side to him that Beth never got to see. Beth never quite understood it, and she had felt guilty about it for a long time. Beth kept that to herself, of course.
It was a part of her she had never shared with anyone. She was glad she hadn't. Her family was always a sore subject for her because she loved them with all of her heart and also hated them at the same time. She loathed the fact her mother never paid attention to her, and never praised her for any hard work she put into school. She hated that her father left the rest of her family. She was angry that Charlie made her feel stupid at times, and Violet made her feel small and insignificant. In general, she was pissed off, and it only kept building and building as time went on.
It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair she was abandoned by all those close to her, even a person she perceived as her friend left her behind. Beth didn't understand. She didn't know why she wasn't good enough for any of them. Why wasn't she good enough for her mom? Why wasn't she good enough for her sister? Why wasn't she good enough for Clementine?
She wasn't strong enough or smart enough to save Violet from her own self-created demise. She watched it happen slowly, but at the same time, it happened too rapidly. Beth was astounded when she came home one day to her mother screaming at Violet, getting in her face and pushing her around. Beth froze her hands at her sides. Her backpack felt much heavier on her back. It took her a while to find out that Violet was using much heavier than Beth could have ever expected.
Their mother blamed Violet's 'delinquent' friends. But as far as Beth was concerned, Violet dug her grave long before her friends got involved. Violet was sweet and long, playful and kind, but she was chained to her own desires. And when Violet all but experienced a brief moment of bliss in her miserable life, she found her new meaning. Violet chose drugs over everything else in her life. Violet chose drugs over Beth.
Maybe that's what worsened the feeling of despair and inadequacy. Because over everything else, that's what Violet was going to choose each time. Happy and loving Violet turned into someone Beth didn't recognize. Constantly locked in her room, or otherwise in a screaming match with their mother. Four weeks, in the grand scheme of things, was not a long time. But for Beth, it felt like an eternity.
Her house, her room was utterly stifling. The more her mother tried to control Violet, the worse it turned out for Violet. She constantly fought against her mother's rules, and the more they pushed against each other for power, the more Violet used. Beth's house felt darker now like a cloud was constantly hanging over it. But Beth didn't have the energy to leave her room or house. She barely had enough motivation in the morning to get dressed. Leaving for school was torture, not that there was no one there to cheer her up.
Beth had a lot of patience. Enough to make it infuriatingly so. But Beth was angry. A wave of slow-building anger that started to fester over weeks of being left alone. One more thing, one more rude comment, and Beth didn't know how much she could handle.
But Beth was tired too. Instead of listening to any comments, she simply got lost in her head. She drifted through the school day, only to come home to a house of people who seemingly hated each other. At least at this moment. Or she would either come home to nothing at all. Just silence.
After a long and painful day of watching Clementine make new friends and move on without her, the last thing she wanted was to come home to a fight. Luck was never on her side, and especially not lately. So it's exactly what she came home to that day. Even when her under eyes were heavy with grief from the heavy and unkind reminder that Clementine no longer needed her.
"You're insane! You're literally fucking crazy!" She could hear Violet's shouting already from inside the house. Beth wanted to turn around and run away. Beth stood there, feet planted in the driveway, feeling the warm sun beat down on her, but a cold tickle of fear on the back of her neck. Beth couldn't help it, yelling inspired fear in her that she had no idea where it came from.
Looking back over to Clementine's house, Beth hoped to find any sort of comforting feeling. She only got a hollow feeling in her stomach looking at it, knowing Clementine was inside, knowing Clementine was ignoring her. Beth wondered if the neighbors could hear them arguing. They probably could, just from where Beth was standing. Violet and their mother never went for discretion in their arguments.
"I'm the one who's crazy?! And that's coming from the girl who can't go a day without smoking or drinking! You're a goddamn mess!" Beth's mother shouted back. Beth opted to sit on the chairs by the front door and wait for the confrontation to pass. As much as Beth loved her sister, she wasn't willing to go into the firestorm that was her mother when she was angry.
Beth could hear slamming doors, and she tried her hardest to cover her face in her backpack. She wrapped her arms around it and held it close to her body, feeling books and her binder dig into her arms and stomach. There was more muffled shouting, until stomping that was clearly Violet came closer, "Yeah and who caused that?! You! You have always been the problem in this fucking family! So no fucking wonder I smoke and drink! You do a better job at sleeping with the men at your workplace than you did ever parenting us!"
Same old, same old, Beth thought. It had to get redundant at some point? Maybe one day they would get tired of the same arguments, the same confrontations with the same endings every time. Or perhaps they would find new things to pick apart about each other, to insult and criticize. New things her mother would find wrong in even the smallest of moves, or the slightest word would set Violet off on a rant again.
"I do my best, Violet! I put food on the table, clothes on your back and you repay me by stealing my fucking money!" Her mother shrieked back, her voice echoing through the halls and straight into Elizabeth's ears, "You have always been ungrateful for what I've done for you! No one else in this family causes problems as you have! Ever."
Beth could hear her sister laughing, more in a mocking tone, "Oh yeah just because I'm not an ass kisser like Lizzie means that I always cause the problems!" Beth shivered at Violet's use of her old nickname. Violet stopped using it years ago, Beth never figured out why she stopped. She didn't even understand why Violet was using it now.
"Don't bring your sister into this because of mistakes you made," Her mother replied in a dangerous, cold voice, "None of this has anything to do with Elizabeth or Charlie. It always has to come down to you and your problems," There was a type of anger that came out in her mother's voice that Elizabeth had only heard a few times before, and that was at the end of her mother and father's relationship.
There was a beat of silence like Violet was unsure what to say, "You always loved her more than me," Violet accused weakly, "Because she's always been so fucking perfect. Why do you treat me so differently from her?"
The thing about Violet was that she only saw what she wanted to see. She only saw what she wanted, and when things didn't line up with what she wanted to see, she changed them to make them fit. Violet didn't acknowledge that their mother barely ever spoke to Beth. Violet didn't want to acknowledge that their mother cared and worried about her the most, and that's why they fought so much. Their mother had never been good at showing her caring nature through kind words and love, but through criticism, which Violet had never taken well.
Beth learned to blend into the background while Violet took the stage. That was their role in the family. Beth was smart, expected to go to college, perceived as serious, and had it together so no one ever checked on her, to see how she was doing. Violet demanded attention, and she loved it very much. She loved making people laugh until their stomach hurt, or scream and cry until her throat hurt.
"I treat you two differently because you have always been a mess," Her mother replied in a tired voice, "Beth never does things like this. But here you are, messing your life up, and for what? To spite me? Last I checked, you won't get far in life when you're snorting cocaine and getting drunk with those good for nothing friends of yours," There was a pause, Beth could almost see her mother running her hand through her hair, "So please, have mercy that I treat you and Beth differently because she doesn't mess everything up as you do."
Beth could hear stomping feet, slamming doors, and her mother's sigh. Well, that was the end of that argument. Beth was used to it by now, it was the same topics, the same things to be angry about. Nothing ever changed. The arguments had only evolved, but it all came down to one thing, the fact their mother never 'loved them' or cared about them.
Beth got up and brushed herself off, her backpack still leaning against the side of her legs. She didn't want to go inside just yet. There was still an understandable amount of tension in the house. Besides, no one would notice if she was gone for an extra thirty minutes. No one really noticed anyway. Beth slowly eased the door open and dropped her backpack by the door, and slowly closed the door again. She didn't bet her mother heard it, too many things she was thinking about at the moment.
Beth stepped out onto the sidewalk. It was a warmer day than usual but Beth still insisted on wearing her jackets and hoodies. Beth didn't like the heat very much. Made her feel sticky and foggy-headed. On top of that, the air conditioning in her house was non-existent, meaning her room was much like a sauna, and Beth slept on warm covers without any blanket over her.
Beth let her feet lead her forward. Walks were a time she let her mind wander, to ponder certain things in her life. Not much to be thrilled about. Anytime she truly thought about it, her mind would swim with fear, sadness, and the slightest bit of resentment.
When she thought about everything. All the accusations Violet made against their mother, about how she didn't care for Violet. Their mother was not the best. She had trouble regulating her emotions, and she was more gone than she was around. But she still cared for Beth, still loved Violet, and still wanted Charlie to succeed. Their mother genuinely loves all of them. Unfortunately, she did a poor job of truly caring for them.
Beth did not cry in front of her mother anymore. Too many experiences of her mother grabbing her wrists and getting in her face, hissing, and spitting about how she would make Beth truly cry. Oftentimes, Beth recalled getting locked in her room the entire night, with no food and nothing to do. Getting wrongfully blamed and hit for it, yelled at for the slightest comment. Beth was used to it all, and she never knew what loving, positive criticism looked like because her mother was the harshest critic she knew.
Beth grew up with all of that in her head. Anything less and she was a failure. Anyone who didn't see fit to stay with Beth was her fault. If she got yelled at, lied to, or hit, it would be her fault and hers only because only she had the ability to control who she was and the decisions she made.
Beth knew Clementine, or she thought she did. Until she was wrong. But none of that was her fault, as much as her mother tried to convince her. Beth had been supportive and as loving as possible to Clementine, and she still got abandoned. Still, Clementine chose someone else over her, and time and time again, she was left alone. Beth had forgotten what being alone was like, and what it felt like to be lonely.
Beth learned to become comfortable with loneliness to the point where it was always there and not as agonizingly painful as it was now. And even as Beth played over everything she had done, everything she said. She knew her mother was wrong.
She was never going to be good enough. No matter how loving or caring she was, she would always end up being the one left behind. None of that was Beth's fault. And it never was.