Calum's POV a day after the last chapter
I heard my alarm go off and I realized that it was already 7am. I didn't sleep, my thoughts full of Lorena and everything that had happened. All night I felt like a coward the way I just left. I had so many things I should have told her. All the times I felt like showing up to her apartment, to tell her I love her and do anything for her to love me too. But I was scared to hurt her more.
So now for the last four months I've been writing. And everything I write always ends up being about her. I've tried so many times to do something else and it never works. I feel like all the thoughts in mind lead to her as well. I wish I could go back to that night and go to her. Or the morning she broke up with me I should have begged and pleaded for her to stay with me. I felt like I just gave up on us so easily and I wish every night that I could go back to that morning.
I had only blamed it on Lorena as if I wasn't the one that would forget dates more than half of the time. I had no excuses for forgetting them. The only thing is Lorena was the first woman I fell in love with. I didn't know what love was till she took me and showed me. And I'm just an idiot that didn't take her love and commitment seriously. I met her when i was 19 and I was touring still and even then I knew she was not like every other chick that i would have a night with. I had loved her for 2 years before I grew enough of a pair to kiss her.
Now i ruined it all we hadn't even been dating for a whole year before i fucked it up. I was still so in love with her I don't think I'll ever not love her. But, just the thought of her not loving me makes my stomach drop. The thought of her with anyone else. Making them feel the same way she made me feel makes me angry and hurt but at the same time I know that I can't do this to myself or her. If we're over I need to accept that and let her live her life. I need to stop this.
For the last 3 months all of the things I've seen of her and that Maya chick has hurt me deep. And I felt the need to do it to her too although deep down I knew that she possibly didn't give a fuck. So I met up with Nia. She was in Hey Violet, a band we had toured with before. I had zero intention of sleeping with her, But that night we had too much to drink and ended up in bed together.
That morning when I woke up I felt sick to my stomach. The fact that I had slept with someone that wasn't Lorena made me feel awful. I got up, got dressed and left her house. She's tried texting me a couple of times but I can't face her. I know Nia would understand if I told her but I would feel worse. I have this feeling that I need to tell Lo but she's probably done worse to me. Especially with Maya or whatever her name is.
Thinking of it just makes me angry. She's moving along just fine and I'm over here crying over the fact that I tried to move on. The issue is that everything that I do that I did at some point did with her. I'm just comparing how different everything felt with her. All I can ever think of is her. And after last night I feel like it's just gotten worse.
**Time skip 2 hours**
As I walked in the studio I was surprised to only see Mikey here. "Where are the boy's mate?" I asked as I found my spot on the coach. "Uh i'm not sure actually but we can't wait for them or if you have something for us to go over we can." I nodded my head as I heard him and I sat there and thought for a minute. I looked at my notebook and opened to see if there was something. The first thing that came to mind was a song I wrote like a month ago.
"Uhh there's this. I wrote it a bit ago. It's about Lorena. Obviously I feel like this fits some vibe of what I've been showing you guys." I said slowly while moving toward him and finding the page for it. "Lemme see it!" I could tell he was excited. "Mate, it's not that great calm down." I said while shaking my head and laughing a bit. He punched my shoulder in a joking manner. " Calum the last 5 songs you gave are so fucken good. Now shut up and show me!" I found the pages and showed Mikey.
"THIS IS REALLY GOOD CAL DAMN THANK FUCK SHE BROKE YOU" mikey said litrally yelling. "Oh fuck off mate. You think we can finish it on our own?" "Yeah definitely." It made me feel good to know that he believes in me this much and that. Even though the whole band has always approved of each other's work for some reason this feels different.
"Hey Michael, is it okay if I like to sing it and you can help with the extra vocals? I feel like this is a song . I have an idea of its overall tone." He nodded his head and turned to his computer. "Fuck yes if you know what it needs to be go for it Cal let me set up a little temporary beat and them when the rest of the crew gets here we can make a real beat." And with that I went to the recording booth.
** italics are lyrics and regular is explanation*
*** play song**
[Verse 1: Calum]
I thought we had a place, just our place, our home base, my headspace
All the times we spent at her apartment, the times we went over what we saw in our futures flashed in my head.
Was you and I always, but that phase has been phased in our place
I see it on your face, a small trace, a blank slate, we've been erased
The way she looked at me that morning she knew it was over for us.
But if we're way too faded to drive, you can stay one more night
Her letting me stay the night even though i fucked it all up for us. She still cared.
[Chorus: Calum]
We said we'd both love harder than we knew we could go
All the times we said I love you and promised each other the world.
But still, the hardest part is knowing when to let go
You wanted to go higher, higher, higher
Burnt too bright, now the fire's gone
We gave each other all we had and now its gone.
Watch it all fall down: Babylon
[Post-Chorus: Calum]
Babylon
We burnt too bright, now the fire's gone
Watch it all fall down
[Verse 2: Calum, Calum & Michael]
I'm tired of the feud, your short fuse, my half-truths are not amused
All the fights caused by our short tempers.
I wish we had a clue to start new, a white moon, no residue (No residue)
The colour of our mood is so rude, a cold June, we're not immune (We're not immune)
But if we're way too faded to fight, you can stay one more night
[Chorus: Calum, Calum & Michael]
We said we'd both love harder than we knew we could go
But still the hardest part is knowing when to let go
You wanted to go higher, higher, higher
We burnt too bright, now the fire's gone
Watch it all fall down: Babylon
[Post-Chorus: Calum & Michael, Calum]
Babylon
We burnt too bright, now the fire's gone
Watch it all fall down
[Breakdown: Calum]
We said we'd both love harder than we knew we could go
But still, the hardest part is knowing when to let go
You wanted to go higher, higher, higher
We burnt too bright, now the fire's gone
Watch it all fall down
[Chorus: Calum, Calum & Michael]
We said we'd both loved harder than we knew we could go
But still, the hardest part is knowing when to let go
You wanted to go higher, higher, higher (Higher, higher, higher)
We burnt too bright, now the fire's gone
Watch it all fall down: Babylon
[Post-Chorus: Calum & Michael, Calum]
Babylon
We burnt too bright, now the fire's gone
Watch it all fall down
**** End of song*****
When I was done I felt as though I had cleared my chest. I felt like this was something that needed to be done. In the song it felt as though I accepted our relationship ending. I knew that she would hear this one day and I hope it made her feel the way I did.
I know that this is a step in moving on but I can't help but feel like something was off.
*Authors notee*
hi ya'll i actually like this chapter!! I hope my idea for the next one come through correctly!! see you next time <3