warnings: mention of panic attacks, anxiety's and self harm. pure angst. going through a heartbreak since 3 months and I need to relieve my feelings.
let's go<3
kates pov
It's been months. Moths of endlessly pain, tears and sleepless nights. The pain I'm feeling is the worst I've ever felt. Nothing ripped me more apart like the feeling of never getting to hold her in my arms, falling asleep beside her, cuddling her...kissing her.
God I never thought I would fall for someone so hard, I never felt love like this.
Yelena showed me how to love and how to accept this love. I felt so comfortable around her and now she's gone, forever. Not even a sight to have her as a good friend. It wouldn't be the same to be honest.
All the things we been through. Our fights and all the problems we couldn't solve.
Nothing hurts me more than realising that she's gone. She understood me in a way nobody else could. She helped me through a hard and difficult time. She helped me through a lot of my panic attacks. Calming me down, telling me to take a deep breath, telling me to drink. She was my person.
I'm sitting on my bed right now. My emotions taking over me as I overthink everything that happened 3 months ago.
*flashback*
"I don't think we will work out Kate..", Yelena says with tears in her eyes, looking down on her feet not able to look me in the eyes.
"W-what do you mean by that..?", I asked with a shaky voice. My heart dropping.
"We will never work out, we're to different.", she says, finally looking me in the face.
Tears starting to creep out of my eyes as I realised what she just said.
We don't work out?
It hits me like a car, my tears getting more and more. My heart aches so much. I feel like I can't breath anymore. It's overwhelming me, it's getting to much for me.
I'm starting to have a panic attack. My heart is racing, my breath is heavy and uneven.
"Kate, you having a panic attack right now, please let me help you..", she says carefully, making her way to me.
"N-no...s-stay way f-from m-", I couldn't finish my sentence because she wrapped her arms around my waist.
"Shh...please try to breath love. Come on, take a deep breath with me.", she says rubbing my back gently. I closed my eyes, listening to her voice and trying to calm down.
After a few minutes I was hugging her tightly, not making any move to leave her warm body.
"Are you okay?", she asks softly while stroking my head.
"Yeah...kinda. I'm just feeling a little bit dizzy that's all.", I say taking a deep breath inhale her scent.
*flashback end*
After that, we talked and she made clear that she thinks we're to different to work out like she wished we would.
My heart broke into thousands of pieces. I let her go because I didn't know what else I should do. I fought so hard for her. Almost 4 years of being in love with her, nothing changed yet. She'll always be my person. My first love. My comfort place where I could talk about my anxiety's and self harm problems. She made me feel worthy. But without her...Every inch in my body feels numb, like I wouldn't exist.
Her love made me weak. She is and will always be my weakness.
I will get jealous of every girl that is getting close to her, touching her or getting told the same things she used to tell me.
Her words where everything to me. Every compliment made me feel more confident, she made me love myself, but after she left...I don't feel anything towards me.
She was my light and made me feel alive.
But she's gone, just like the feeling of being alive, loved and understood...
i will always love you