In the end she even put on a bit of makeup because she had serious doubts that they would let her through security otherwise, as terrible as she looked, and for the most part she kept on wearing her sunglasses and a hat – even indoors – which together with her mask made her look utterly ridiculous, but she figured that every once in a while she too was entitled to some over the top celebrity attitude.
Technically she probably shouldn't be driving due to the residue alcohol in her body, but she cared shockingly little about the risk of getting arrested for DUI or steering her car off the road. On her way to the airport, she dropped Lola and Levi off at a friend's as usual. She felt quite bad for not having spent a lot of time with her two babies lately and constantly abandoning them since she had been too busy romping about with her boyf... ex, but for better or worse, those days were over now. Just this one last trip to New York, and if ever there was a time that she deserved to take a break from her usual life, it was now.
A part of her was surprised he still hadn't tried to contact her. But it started once she had arrived at LAX: he tried calling her, and again after five minutes when she – obviously – didn't pick up. Then he started texting her. One message. A second one. Then a voice message. All the while, she was dying inside. Dying to read them, to hear his voice, to answer his calls, to talk to him. Her heart still wanted him, after all! Her heart had never agreed to any of this, and it was suffering. Her heart wanted nothing more than turn around, go to him, fall into his arms, hug him tight and never let go. But her heart couldn't be trusted right now. It had made enough poor decisions in her life and by now had forfeited its decision making rights. So here they were. And she was more than happy to put her phone into flight mode sooner rather than later, and she probably wouldn't switch it on again anytime soon after landing.
Thankfully, she made it on the plane in time and without any major incidences. Every now and then she even managed to forget about the seat right next to her that would remain empty. But then she found herself drawn back to thinking about him more and more as time passed by. What had he been trying to tell her? Would he still be begging her to come back? Tell her how much he loved her? Would he have more reasons why they belonged together, why she had made a terrible mistake? Probably... what else could it be? If he had slept over it, come to the conclusion that she was right and was agreeing with her, he probably wouldn't be calling her to let her know. And for a random, potentially even work related question or topic, the timing and persistence of his reaching out was way off too.
When she saw the flight attendant coming her way with the beverage cart, the thought of a gin tonic suddenly seemed quite tempting to her since she was already starting to feel way too clear inside her head to deal with the situation.
From JFK she took a cab into the city and shortly after stood on the doorstep of her dear cousin Bianca, Soma's mother, who had been more like a sister to her growing up, they were that close.
Bianca was understandably surprised to see her, and with a suitcase too.
„Lana?! Oh my God, hi!", she hugged her tight, , „What are you doing here?"
„Well, I was missing the city – and you, of course – and I had some spare time on my hands, so I thought, why not catch a flight?"
„That's amazing, I'm so happy to see you, and Soma will be too. But, come in, come in!", she closed the door behind her cousin, „From the suitcase I'm guessing you plan on staying here?"
„Oh well, I mean... only if that's okay? I'm dropping in unannounced after all, so I'm totally fine with booking a hotel?" The truth was, she had a hotel booked, of course. But it was a honeymoon suite with an extra „Lover's Package" – whatever that meant – and in any case, she was pretty confident this experience wouldn't make her stay in New York any more pleasant.
„Oh, don't be silly, of course you can stay here, I'll set up the guest room for you."
„Thank you so much, I could really use the company."
They stepped into the kitchen and Bianca pointed at the table in the center of the room. „Well first, have a seat! I was just whipping up a little salad for a late lunch, Soma is out and won't be back until dinner. Are you hungry?"
„A little, yeah, that would be nice! I could eat something."
„What would you like to drink? Water? Soda? Or... a beer or something? Sorry for saying this, but you smell as if that wouldn't be your first drink of the day?"
„Oh well, business class flights and their complimentary beverage selection... who can resist? But water is fine for now, thank you."
She poured both of them a glass of water from the tap and filled up two plates of salad, then she served and sat down opposite of Lana.
„So tell me, how are you doing? How was your Fourth of July, did you do anything fun?"
„Oh, right", she had completely forgotten about their national holiday yesterday, while actually, that's why they had initially chosen that special date for him to move in with her. Well... seemed like in the end she had taken the notion of „Independence Day" quite literally. „Not really. Nothing special. You?"
„Oh, the usual. Barbecue in the park with a few friends. Nothing crazy. And how about... what did you mean earlier, by you ‚could use the company'? I thought you, well, Soma said you had a new boyfriend?"
Lana tried to smile casually. „Oh, you know the thing about new boyfriends... they so often turn into old boyfriends very quickly."
„It's over?"
„Yep."
„I'm sorry to hear that! She said it was pretty serious, actually?"
„As serious as it can be with a twenty-nine year old boy, I guess?", she waved it off, „It's fine, I mean... I'll be fine. By now I'm a pro at breakups, sad but true."
„Well, just because you've done it often doesn't make you a pro", she shot her a wary look. She didn't look so good. She didn't look good at all! Good thing that she was here now and she could have a watchful eye over her cousin.
After lunch, Bianca prepared the guest bedroom for her so she could lie down for a bit. She was still pretty tired, she hadn't slept much after all, and Bianca still had some work to do anyways.
For a while she was lying awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. It had felt weird talking about her breakup, for the very first time, but also somehow liberating. She knew it was a crucial step in the journey of healing, and she had to overcome it, just like all the others that were still ahead of her. At least, Bianca had been the ideal candidate for the part: she knew her long and well enough, but at the same time, she so far had absolutely nothing to do with and knew nearly nothing about Jordane, so she would never start asking too many questions or share any unsolicited opinions like all the others who were closer to her would.
She woke up again when she heard voices in the hallway. Soma was home. She could hear her name being mentioned among the muttering, followed by excitement. So she decided to crawl out of bed. She shouldn't be sleeping too much now anyways, otherwise she'd never get any rest during the night.
When she stepped out of her room that had all its curtains drawn, her eyes first had to adjust to the bright daylight.
„Aunt Lana!!", Soma squeaked, wrapping her arms around her and hugging her tight, „What are you doing here?"
„I'm in town visiting and thought, why not stay with you? I haven't been here in so long."
„That's so cool! But how about Jordane? Where is he? Did you bring him?"
„No, I... let's talk about it over dinner, okay? First, how are you doing, how's college?"
They went to join Bianca in the kitchen where she was making fish fingers for dinner – Lana's absolute favorite comfort food, bless her heart – with veggies. When she smelled the fish though, she immediately realized that this might be a little too ambitious for her still somewhat upset stomach.
„Oh, wow", she mumbled and had to press her hand over her mouth for a second, then she quickly walked over to the window to open it wide, otherwise it might have been the setup for disaster.
„You alright?", asked Bianca.
„Yeah yeah, just... my stomach is a little sensitive, but don't worry, nothing terrible."
Her cousin didn't need to know that she was still slightly hungover from yesterday. And obviously, Bianca didn't get the hint since she offered Lana wine for dinner, which she gladly accepted.
When they were done eating, and after Soma had been talking about college and her art studies for a while and shown her some of her work, she turned the conversation back around at Lana because her little niece wasn't just an insanely talented artist, she also had a pretty good memory and was quite perceptive.
„So how about Jordane? How is he doing?"
„Ah right, that... well, I don't know, to be honest. Jordane and I aren't together anymore."
„WHAT?!", she almost yelled in a way that made both Lana and her mother wince, „What, why?? Since when?"
„Since, I don't know... a while?"
„But that's not possible? Just a few days ago you again commented on one of his videos on Instagram with heart eye and flame emojis."
„Are you stalking him on Instagram?", she frowned.
„No, but you. Or rather, the two of you together."
„But why?"
„Because you're so hot together and I'm shipping you, what do you think?"
„Well, thanks for the compliment, but being hot together unfortunately isn't everything! You're right though. We broke up yesterday."
„Oh no!!", Bianca looked at her with empathy, „I'm so sorry! Did anything happen?"
„Not really. We just realized that we weren't made for each other. I'm fifteen years older than him, we're not who each of us needs in life right now."
„That's fair", her cousin nodded.
„No, it's not!", argued Soma, „You LOVED each other! You were crazy about each other. You're exactly what you need right now because you made each other happy, I haven't seen you like that in so long back when we visited you."
Lana had to take a deep breath. This is exactly the kind of conversation she had been trying to avoid by coming here. How in her carefully laid-out plan could she have forgotten her niece, who was always so passionately fighting for whatever she believed in – just like Lana herself had always taught her?
She tried to remain calm when answering: „All that may be true, sweetheart, but that doesn't change the fact that our relationship would have been short lived either way. We're too different, we're from two different generations and in two completely different life stages."
The girl just shrugged. „Whatever, I'm still calling BS on this!"
„Soma, language!", her mother scolded her, „I think you're quite a bit too young to understand this sort of thing, don't you think?"
„No, you know what I think? I think the two of you, you're both too old to understand! It's 2021! Age ain't nothing but a number, who cares? That doesn't matter. Feelings matter, and those were there between them, and plenty! She probably still loves him, right, Lana? You still love him, don't you?"
Her eyes were welling up dangerously quickly and she looked down into her wine glass that was already empty. Bianca caught the cue.
„I think I'll open another bottle", she said, „You want more wine, Lana?"
„YES!!", she replied, faster and more desperately than she should have and had wanted to.
She took not one sip, but two after her glass had been filled.
„So", she cleared her throat, „To answer your question: a part of me still loves him, yes, of course. It was just yesterday! You can't switch feelings on and off like that. But, ultimately it's a decision that I have thought long and hard about for much longer than that. And it wasn't easy, trust me. The truth is, I have been feeling worse and worse in this relationship lately, not because of him, absolutely not! But because of everything and everyone around us. Did I crack under the pressure of the opinion, expectation and judgement of others? Maybe. But that doesn't make all of them wrong? The point is, one reason why I even came here is for distraction. To NOT talk about him for a bit, you know what I mean? Tomorrow I'll go to a concert at Brooklyn Mirage in East Williamsburg that I've been invited to where I'm gonna meet a few friends whom I haven't met and talked to in forever, and who won't know anything about Jordane. I appreciate your concern, sweetheart, I really do, and I know you liked him, a lot, but I would really, really love to be able to count on your support in this, mhm? Please don't make this any harder for me than it already is."
Soma looked at her, clearly conflicted, but in the end she nodded with a sigh. „Fair enough... you're right. I'm sorry! It's just... are you still friends, at least?"
Lana thought about her question for a bit. Were they? Would she even want to be? „I... I don't really know to be honest. We just said goodbye and... haven't spoken since. I mean, I'm not even sure you can be just friends in our situation, you know? Like I said, we broke up while still having feelings for each other. I think that wouldn't work out. To remain friends after a relationship ends, that usually means you've kind of been just friends for a while already. That there are no romantic feelings left. Otherwise... I don't know."
„But how will that work", asked Bianca, „Aren't you both in that show together right now?"
„Yes, we are, but I mean, we wrapped that long ago. Now, the only thing that makes it a little difficult is that there are still a few episodes left to be released until the end of the month. And I'm not really sure... I don't know whether I can watch them, whether I'd even want to. Usually we'd gather with part of the cast to watch each episode together, but... I think I'll skip those from now on, to make sure I don't make things awkward for everybody in case he should be there too."
„So you don't even want to see him right now?", asked Soma.
Lana sighed. „For now, no! I couldn't... it's hard enough as it is, and seeing him would make it even harder. If it were possible, I'd just want to forget him, to be honest, and the moments we shared."
Soma looked down at the glass of milk in her hands. What her aunt was telling her here was incredibly sad. No one should ever be forgotten about! But on the other hand, she could understand her. And she had asked her for her support, so that's what she'd be getting from her!
„So you're going to a party tomorrow, you said?"
She nodded. „A party slash concert, at a Williamsburg nightclub, yes."
„Can I come?", asked Soma with big puppy eyes that absolutely didn't help in making her look older than she was.
„Absolutely not!", said her mother, „I'm pretty sure you won't be allowed in anyways."
„Well then, we go out the night after, to a place where I AM allowed in. Just the two of us, having a blast, no boy talk... what do you say, aunt Lana?"
Lana smiled. „That sounds amazing, sweetie! We will absolutely do that!"
It was after midnight when they finally went to bed, and Lana was pleasantly tipsy again, at least today she had shared the two bottles with her cousin.
She spent the following day strolling through the streets of Brooklyn, sipping coffee and eating ice cream on the piers of Brooklyn Bridge Park, marveling at the Manhattan skyline and the majestic bridges around leading across East River. A sight she had grown up with, and still it never failed to give her goosebumps. A sight she would have loved to share with Jordane... But it wasn't meant to be.
The next day, after a pretty wild night with her friends at Brooklyn Mirage, she wandered Central Park, and then through the East and the West Village, stopping by her favorite pizza place. By now, Jordane had stopped trying to contact her. Or at least taken a break. There had been no call nor message in twenty-four hours, and it made her feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. She could only hope that he was doing alright... ideally better than her. But then again, he was the one who had gotten dumped, so the chances were probably rather slim.
The days were lonely, and the beautiful warm and sunny summer weather could only improve her mood so much. It was good practice though. In the end, she couldn't run away from facing her feelings and her pain forever. Or else she would soon develop a serious drinking problem.
And then, finally, she and Soma were getting ready for their night out. She secretly gave her niece one of her outfits that Bianca would most certainly never let her daughter wear, even though she was almost nineteen. But tonight was their night, and mothers didn't get a say!
Soma led the way through the neighborhood until they stopped in front of a rather dodgy looking bar with adjoined night club, the loud bass booming all the way onto the street.
Lana raised an eyebrow. „THIS is where we're going?"
„Yeah, why not?", Soma nodded.
„Are you sure this exquisite establishment is for guests eighteen and up?"
„I'm not. But that doesn't matter", she reached for her fake ID and showed it to her aunt with a cheeky grin.
Lana cocked her head. „Seriously?? A fake ID?"
The girl rolled her eyes. „Don't act so shocked! Who told me all about what to look out for in fake IDs?"
„Fair enough...", she mumbled.
„Besides, do you really think this is the first time I'm coming here?", she had to laugh about her aunt's shocked expression, then poked her with her elbow, „Now, come on, let's go!"
„Okay, fine! We'll go in, but I'm not letting you have alcohol, alright?"
„Yeah yeah, whatever..."
She knew exactly that with that fake ID, she could get whatever she wanted. But she didn't want to freak out her aunt even more.
Inside, Lana ordered a whiskey neat for herself and a virgin mojito for Soma. They found a small table and looked around, they couldn't really talk much without screaming at each other, and it got tiring after a while. After a year of lockdown, a club situation like this still felt surreal.
Then, Soma saw a group of her friends who had come here to party too.
„Come on, go to them!", Lana nudged her, but her niece wasn't sure.
„No, it's alright. It's our night! I promised I'd go party with you."
She chuckled. Soma acted like she was some sort of charity case.
„Nonsense, I don't need a pity party, Soma. Go have fun with your friends! I'm fine on my own. My good friend Jack and I", she raised her glass, „we can people watch a bit and then maybe go dancing. I believe you wouldn't want to be here for that anyway? Waaaay too embarrassing, I can assure you!"
Soma wasn't quite sure how much time had passed since she had said goodbye to her aunt to join her friends, a few hours, maybe? Either way, she was tired and wanted to go home, so she went searching for her – quite the endeavor in a dark, loud and crowded club! She tried to call her, but Lana's phone seemed to be off, or at least she didn't seem to have any service. Quietly, she cursed to herself and decided to take a break from searching and head to the restrooms. She should probably just stay there and wait for her anyway, eventually everyone needed to pee. Over here, there was a bit more light and the music was a little less booming.
She tried to ignore the sketchy looking figures that were hanging out here doing drugs, and she almost bumped into a couple that was seriously making out in the corner, apparently that close to actually having sex. And then her breath caught in her throat.
„Lana?!"
She was kissing a dude with a man bun and a hipster beard, not ugly, but still somewhat... scruffy looking, enough to make Soma pull a disgusted face. Also, kissing was an understatement, they were basically licking each others faces, and upon further inspection she saw that the guy's hand was inside of her pants doing god knows what there that made her moan with her eyes closed.
She ripped them open though when she heard her name right next to her ear and looked at her niece.
„Soma! What are you doing here?"
Her speech was slurry, she was drunk.
„What am I doing here? What are YOU doing here?!"
„Who's the chick, babe?", said the guy, even more drunk, examining Soma under half closed eyelids without removing his hand from where it was, „She your sister or daughter or somethin'?"
„My niece... It's alright, Soma, please go home."
„I'm not leaving without you!", she crossed her arms in front of her chest proving her point.
Lana rolled her eyes until the guy's hand elicited another gasp from her and he hungrily licked her neck.
„Ewww!", yelled Soma, „That's disgusting, come on, we're going home!"
„I'm not going home, just leave us, please, and go!"
„Then what are you planning to do here? Are you gonna let this guy fuck you, right here, is that the plan?"
„So what, why do you care?! Just go!", she started groping in her bag and finally pushed something into Soma's hand, it was a hundred dollar bill, „Take an Uber or call a cab, I don't care, just leave us alone, please."
„I'm not leaving without you! We came together, we're leaving together! You don't really want this, Lana, I know it, come on! That dude is disgusting!"
„Hey, princess!", he slurred, „Why don't you do as your auntie says and shuffle along? And don't wait up for her."
„You're just a rebound for her, just so you know! She broke up with her boyfriend just a few days ago, she doesn't give a shit about you!"
„Well, good! I want to fuck her, not marry her", he sighed and let go of his prey for a moment, just to take her by the hand, „Come on, let's go somewhere a little more quiet, I can't get it on with this kid watching and bitching at me."
Soma though caught Lana by the arm and tried to pull her away from him, and before she realized what was happening, she heard a deafening noise and felt her head jerk back, followed by a hollow pain.