Clementine was struggling.
In truth, she didn't know why she was being the way she was. Maybe it was the inane feeling to drive everyone away from her. Maybe it was because she desperately wanted to be left alone, left to wallow in her struggles. Clementine just wanted to be consumed by the past she tried so hard to fight against.
In the end, she proved to be exactly who everyone said she was. She was a liar, she was cruel, as Ezekiel said she was. Her mother told her she was lazy, and Clementine couldn't even muster enough energy, enough courage to text Elizabeth. She was a coward. She was weak. In the end, everyone was right about her. For so long she tried desperately to prove to people she wasn't going to be a failure like everyone was expecting her to be. In her efforts, she ended up proving them right.
Clementine loved Beth, but she hated herself too. She hated herself so much that she believed that Beth was better off without her dragging her down. Although she deeply regretted her actions and the words she said, there was always a nagging voice in the back of her head that told her this was the best path for Elizabeth. That Beth would be better off without her, without the drama and the rumors following her everywhere she went. Clementine believed what in reality, she was just trying to convince herself of.
But even though she believed that she would spend hours that night hovering over her phone, hands shaking over the call button. But as all things would come to, she backed out. She convinced herself the right move was to leave her alone.
Clementine would admit to not being the most observant, but she noticed Beth's deterioration in appearance, much-mirroring Clementines in the past few weeks. They no longer sat together, but Clementine could see the fatigue in her eyes. So much so that she got scolded by the teacher for supposedly sleeping in class. Clementine could tell she wasn't, she just didn't want to be there, so she hid in her arms.
Clementine continued with her life. Deciding not to look back on the things she lost. She didn't want to dwell on things, how awful Beth looked in the coming days, how hard it was to focus in class, how getting up in the morning was starting to become a chore. All Clementine wanted was for it to be like a place in time she remembered happening. She wanted the allusion that happy memories produced, the bliss and relaxation that they always have. She wanted to forever live in the comfort of a happy memory. To be free of pain.
Even though she wished for that to happen, and dreamed of better days, it only seemed to get worse. Adrianne appeared in her life more and more, being the stuck-up ass kissing bitch she was. If that wasn't bad enough, everyone loved her and praised her for doing nothing. They all acted like she was a saint when in reality, she was the person who ruined her reputation, hurt her, and betrayed her.
Seeing her almost every day hurt more than she would expect. But above all, she was angry about everything.
Anger that built over years and years of people making her look like a fool. Years of trying to prove to everyone that she was worthy of their time. There was anger that reared its head in really ugly ways. It didn't matter, because most of all, she was tired. She was tired, and because she was tired, she just stopped. She was done trying to prove herself to people or trying to blend into the crowd.
If people hated her, so be it. She hated herself anyway.
It felt free to forget about judgment. Every day she came to school simply as herself, forgetting about everything else. Even though it still hurt to see familiar faces such as Celine, Beth, and Adrianne, it felt better to just be the person she was.
Clementine no longer felt like she was lying anymore. Still tired and angry, but no longer a fraud. She wasn't afraid anymore, wasn't fearful when she would speak to people, and offer them help. While the rumors died down, it didn't make people forget who she was, and often she got some colorfully rude comments from people. But it didn't hurt as she expected it to, and even more surprisingly, she would smile and laugh at those people who would try.
Although most people acted like they usually did with her, some didn't. Some allowed her presence in their lives, if only briefly. Clementine was grateful for just that. It didn't feel as lonely anymore. She kept at her efforts, small conversations, and comments. Working with people on projects and schoolwork. It became a bit more bearable.
Judgment for Clementine had subsided greatly, but it only grew for the entirety of Celine's group. Criticism and complaints continued to pop up for Celine and her group, people ranting about who or what was so awful. How some of them were getting involved in illegal activities, how rude another was, and how Celine herself cheated on her supposed boyfriend. Clementine heard it all but never talked. She would admit to being happy for Celine's downfall, but she didn't want to get involved with it, it would only put her on the level of all those people who did the same to her. And also she didn't want to be dragged into it like she knew Celine would try to.
Clementine had to admit it was satisfying to watch though.
Math wasn't Clementine's favorite thing in the world. In fact, she hated it a lot. Something about it seemed to always confuse her, even if she tried for hours to understand what the hell she was trying to learn about.
Clementine broke everything up into steps, so when there is one missing, the whole thing falls apart. Every single time they would learn a new thing in all of her math classes, something would be lost on her. She never found a teacher that taught in a way that made sense to her, which would only lead to her eventual frustration and hatred of the class. The same thing happened with Mr. Hudson, who she hated with a passion for his droning, boring voice.
But when Clementine first sat with Beth, she watched as Beth understood everything in an instant, without much struggle. It was one thing Clementine wished she could do. To think the way Beth thought, to understand things so quickly, frustrated Clementine to no end when she couldn't. It was one of the things Clementine was jealous of.
No matter what, though, Beth would find a way to make the class interesting for her. To try and explain things in a way that clementine would understand. Beth knew how to make Clementine smile when she was frustrated. That was the thing Clementine missed the most, and it hurt the most to remember. They switched seats and it truly started to feel like it was over. Clementine figured she should just get over it and say goodbye to that friendship already.
But with the darkness and pain her third period would bring her, a bit of happiness came after in her fourth. Her favorite class, with some of the better people she knew. One of those people is Olivia Park, one of the kindest people Clementine ever had the luck of meeting. She never got involved with school drama or believed in rumors, and her kindness was exactly what Clementine needed.
Walking into the class felt like she could relax. Not only was the teacher kind and good at what she does, but the environment was also nicely decorated, and the students were more on the favorable side. Clementine slid into her seat next to Olivia, who greeted her with a smile.
"You always have such a sour look on your face when you walk in," Olivia commented, pointing her finger up at Clementine and making tiny circles with it. She was still smiling though.
Clementine shrugged, digging through her backpack to get a pencil, "Well, I mean, what do you expect? I'm in school," She joked, smiling when she heard Olivia chuckle. Olivia nodded in agreement, and the two of them turned to the front of the room, where the teacher was telling students to shut up and listen.
"So, you must have a real shitty third period if you look that pissed coming in," Olivia whispered.
"You have no clue."
The teacher explained they had a project, and that they had to complete it with another person. The usual groans were voiced around the room, kids looked at who they wanted to pair with. Ever since the rumors, Clementine was petrified of group projects, and she still was, rightfully so. Not only that, they had to give a speech in front of the entire class. Clementine could already feel her spirit leaving her body.
She was elbowed in the side once they were gracefully given the option to choose their partners, Clementine looked over to Olivia, "Obviously it's gonna be you and me, I don't wanna move," Olivia said, and it was obvious to Clementine there would be no questioning, "Plus, you're smart as hell. I'm sure I'll need it."
"Don't put yourself down like that," Clementine responded, "You're smart too," Olivia laughed at that, but Clementine believed it. Olivia didn't give herself enough credit, even if she struggled in some aspects, she was still smart.
Olivia leaned back in her chair, eyeing clementine, "So... you mind getting the papers from the teacher?" She asked in a quiet voice, "Please?"
"You suck," Clementine said while getting up. She didn't mind that much, only acting as so. Pretending to not hear Olivia as she walked away and got the papers.
While walking up to get them, she couldn't help but overhear the conversation happening between a fellow student and the teacher, "I can't find a partner, the numbers are uneven and no one wants me in their group," The voice of the student said, they sounded close to tears. Clementine stopped in her tracks.
"I'm sorry, I'm sure there's someone that will be willing to have you in their group. If not then you have my permission to do it on your own," The teacher replied, and there was no response after. Clementine's back had been turned the entire time, and she was aware Olivia was wondering what she was doing, but in that student, she heard herself. Pathetic attempts at trying to fit in with people who didn't want you there, and then resorting to being on your own.
Clementine turned around, "If you would like," She said, catching their attention, "You can work with my group. I'd be happy to have you there," Clementine offered, and her teacher smiled at her and nodded at the student.
Her classmate didn't say anything, only nodded with their eyes at the ground. Clementine didn't quite know who they were, didn't recognize them from any other class she had. But if you really don't want to be noticed, people won't. Putting your head down and staying silent is the best way to do so.
Olivia didn't seem at all surprised with the new addition, only smiling and enthusiastically shaking the hand of their classmate. The three of them sat down, laying the papers Clementine gathered in the front on the table in front of them. The project was straightforward, gather some evidence from articles about a point you really wanted to make and then prove it in your speech and presentation. Easy enough, but there were always rules when it came down to it. Without even being asked, their classmate, who they hadn't even learned the name of, opened their computer and already created a slideshow.
"Do have me shared on there?" Olivia asked, watching them as they clicked and typed. Clementine was reading all the papers they were given, making sure she was familiar with the constraints they were given.
"So, what's your name?" Clementine asked, not wanting to interrupt either of them, but curiosity got the better of her. She felt guilty she didn't already know it, but it was better to ask than to call them by the wrong name.
They seemed to be surprised that they were acknowledged, "My name is Mika," They replied, twisting the ring on their fingers around and around.
"Oh, that's a cool name. Pronouns?" Clementine continued to ask.
"Um, she and her," Mika replied, seeming very awkward, "Sorry, I'm just not used to being asked questions a lot."
Clementine waved her hands, "Don't worry about it, dude. We're here to work together, not be judgy," Clementine tried to assure.
Both Mika and Olivia had interesting appearances, in the most directly opposite way possible. Mika had short dark brown hair that hung in her face, tan skin, brown eyes with long eyelashes, and a round face with a pointed chin. But most noticeable was the piercing in her right nostril. Olivia on the other hand had bleached the underside of her hair, contrasting with the darkness of the hair on top. Along with being tall, having broad shoulders, and dark eyes contrasting with her pale skin, Olivia gave off an intimidating aura. Clementine knew she was just an idiot though.
Olivia continued to rattle on, asking questions and making comments. Clementine saw she was trying to make Mika more comfortable, and from what she could tell, it was working. Mika's shoulders relaxed, the tenseness leaving them, and Mika raised her eyes from the keyboard to Olivia's face.
"Can I have both of your guys' numbers?" Clementine asked, sliding her phone over to them. Olivia picked it up instantly, already typing her number into Clementine's phone.
"Sure thing, my darling Clementine," Olivia said.
"Shut up Olivia."
Once Olivia was done saving the contact, which had been graciously named 'Olivia: The Best', she handed over the phone to Mika. Who seemed to take it into her hands and hold it, not really knowing what to do with it. With slightly shaky fingers she saved her number and named it 'Mika'. Then handing it back over to Clementine.
Clementine put her phone back into her pocket and watched as Olivia and Mika continued their conversation. It was easy to slip into the sound of their voices.
It wasn't so lonely anymore.