choi joon is drowning and he doesn't know if he'll make it out alive this time.
he folds into himself, palms collecting piling tears as his sobs continue to tumble freely throughout his ricochetting body.
the revolting monster he had been trying to chain down and cage finally escaped, unleashing the ugly darkness of his mind; his nauseating mentality put out on display in a glass cage.
it claws and rips through the crevices of his mind, reaps misery in its wake while shredding brutality in its shadow. it reaches for his most vulnerable parts and then tears them at the seams, relentlessly gutting out the emotions that barely kept him alive.
his tears burn. his throat hurts. his heart weeps.
he's unaware of when chae ai reaches out for him, pulling his tear-stricken body into her arms and molding him with her body as she embraces him in a tight hold. he barely registers the sweet nothings that murmur inside his ears.
"it's okay. it's okay. cry everything out," the blonde soothes, patting his back like a lulling wave. he feels like a child again, and that makes him cry harder.
he cries and he cries and he cries.
chae ai never pulls away.
his cries eventually die down, broken and meshed into quiet hiccups of air. he's still in her arms, her hands having not stopped once since the moment she tugged him into her lap.
there's a silence which simmers betweens them, nothing besides the distant shrieks interrupting their otherwise stilled world.
eventually, choi joon finds himself shuffling off her lap and to her side. he doesn't have the energy to feel embarrassed. chae ai doesn't have the energy to tease.
their shoulders are touching as the silence finally settles in.
"i.." her fingers twitch before tangling with each other. it doesn't stop the noticeable quiver. "i don't know what i can say to you to make you feel better," she starts, exhaling slowly. "i can barely figure out the solutions for my own problems."
he nods, swallowing dryly. he never intended to cry. he never intended to ask her for an answer either. he knows there never will be one.
"but," and suddenly she's slipping his hands into her own palms, forcing him to meet her gaze, "choi kim joon. you aren't choi joon. you don't have to be choi joon. it sucks you bear his consequences, but that doesn't mean you have to endure them."
he blinks slowly.
"joonie. i've been thinking about what you said to me that day at the seaside. for days, i really thought about it hard but i could never did find another route you spoke of.." she brushes a raven strand behind his ear, "not until now at least."
as she plants their heads together, her hands come to cup his face. she swipes at his eyelids, forcing them to a fluttering shut. "it's not fair, i know. we have to pretend to be people we're not, lose traces of our old identity and be people we don't even know."
chae ai laughs. "but, nobody asked us to take their places joon. nobody asked us to be people we aren't. we do it out of guilt, out of love, out of compassion; but never was it something we had to do."
he opens his eyes. she's smiling. "i think it's okay to let go, it's okay to be ourselves. we did what we thought was best for them, for the original chae ai and choi joon; but, it's time we think for ourselves."
choi joon digs his finger into his thighs, scrunching the cloths of his pants.
"as cruel as it is to say, it is no longer their life. their life is now ours, and the only thing we can do to pay respects is to cherish the life they gave us, memorialize them and fulfill the short time they lost by living the future they couldn't."
it feels like somebody has punched the air out of his lungs.
"that means being able to live freely, without the lugging guilt above our heads. that means being ourselves joon, allowing choi joon and chae ai to be grieved by the people they loved, allowing their friends and family to be allowed to finally let go, learn the truth of it all."
her laugh is mellowed but comforting as her eyes disperse into crescent moons. "it means it's time to be honest, joon; time to be honest with ourselves and the ones around us."
there's another round of tears, but it doesn't feel so sad.
when the pair exit the ride, they have matching, swollen red eyes.
the operators take one look at the young kids and feel like they've committed all seven sins. they apologize relentlessly for the ferris wheel's inconvenience, going on and on about how terrified they must've been.
yeah, choi joon and chae ai both think as they meet each other's gaze. let's blame it on the ride.
working together, the two are finally able to comfort the mournful employees, although they don't leave without a limited edition souvenir each as compensation for the malfunction. neither of them deny it as it was cold as hell up there. (after they got over the crying)
"are you planning to leave?" chae ai asks him.
fiddling with the sparkly blue tophat of his racoon plush, he hums in acknowledgement. "probably." looking up at the blonde, his emerald eyes glimmer. "i have some things to take care of and air to clear up."
"of course," she laughs. "i'll take you to the entrance," she states before raising her own pink glitterbombed raccoon in the air. "these are pretty cute."
choi joon hums agreeingly. "well made too." he flips the raccoon upside down, aggressively shaking it like a salt shaker while having no expression on his face. "i guess it was worth crying over."
the blonde snorts, loudly cackling at the contrasting actions. "leave your poor raco—"
"chae ai??"
that has both chae ai and choi joon whipping their heads around to see who called her name.
approaching them are a pair of siblings, one boy and one girl who are holding hands. they almost look identical, mistaken for twins if not for the somewhat noticeable age difference.
"yeodan?" chae ai gapes.
"it was you," said boy confirms, lips lifting up at the corners.
choi joon studies him quietly from the side. he has astonishing, purple colored hair alongside similar purple eyes. he's tall, noticeable broad shoulders and refined muscles despite the thick, winter clothing.
the raven's gaze goes to his sister next, unphased by the fact his sister was studying choi joon as well. she looks the same as yeodan, just with longer, silky hair and bigger eyes.
he can tell they'll both be a pair of eye candy siblings in the future, attracting attention everywhere they go. honestly, they probably already do.
"who's this?" yeodan asks, cutting choi joon away from his thoughts. his emerald eyes meets the older's amethyst ones.
"this is that one kid i was telling you about before," chae ai responds. he's definitely going to elbow her later when they're away from prying eyes.
"hello," he mumbles, bowing. his long hair drops with him. "my name is choi joon. i just finished fifth grade, it's nice to meet you.." his words falter, causing yeodan to smile.
"you can call me seonbae. my name is ban yeodan, i'm the same age as chae ai." choi joon nods, allowing the elder to continue, a hand settling on his sister's back. "this is my sister, ban yeoryeong. she's a year younger than me and will be attending her first year of middle school soon."
"ah, i see. hello, yeoryeong.." choi joon pauses, a realization dawning on him. he'll have to call her.. "..noona."
expectedly, chae ai bursts into laughter. he doesn't hold back from indiscreetly stomping on her heel.
"ow fuck- but pffft— noona," she snickers before grinning brightly. "right, it's nice to finally meet you yeoryeong-ah. your brother won't shut up about you. you're all he ever talks about."
yeodan fondly smiles, clearly not embarrassed while yeoryeong's cheeks burst into flames. "it's nice to meet you too ai noona and joonssi," she mutters, clinging to her elder brother's jacket sleeve.
"anyways, you guys are here for the park as well?" the purple haired boy asks, wrapping an arm around his sister.
"ah, we're actually just about to leave. joon has some business to attend to at home," chae ai replies, responding for the both of them.
"ah, i see. we barely missed you both then, huh? well, it would have been nice to enjoy the park together but maybe another time then."
choi joon politely nods but is caught off guard with chae ai's next response.
"actually.. i don't mind staying with you and your sister," she smiles, surprising both him and the ban siblings.
"really?"
"you don't?"
at their simultaneous reply, both chae ai and yeoryeong laugh. "yeah, i need some time," chae ai explains to the raven, slightly shaking her pink racoon. "although i said we'd both do it, i need to find my own courage."
choi joon nods in understanding, ignoring the siblings' confusion. "sure, just don't chicken out," he blinks, holding back a smile when the blonde scowls.
"like i would."
"sure."
as choi joon reaches the top of the steps to the house, he sees a familiar brunette waiting at the front door. "seohyun," the raven mumbles, calling for the boy's attention.
he's dressed in a winter jacket and athletic joggers, sat in the porch swing chair which rocks away due to the cold breeze. seohyun tears his gaze away from the darkening sky, waving in lieu of a greeting.
shuffling forward, choi joon claims himself a spot on the elder's right.
their breaths mingle in the cold air, white vapors evaporating into nothingness.
the last time they talked was the night their school year ended; seohyun had been the one who knocked on the bathroom door and brought choi joon out from his dissociation.
they exchanged a wordless goodnight, the brunette not realizing that would be the last he heard from the raven for days to come.
"have you been okay?" he asks, low and soft. unknowingly, it comforts choi joon's crinkling anxiety.
choi joon notes how the trees in their front yard are bare, only a single leaf left that's holding onto a thin branch. the rest have detached themselves and disappeared. some still linger, but most have flown to other yards, perhaps even outside their small neighborhood.
instinctively, he wanted to respond with a positive, but this was the first step, wasn't it? so, he bit back his tongue and forced the truth out. "i'm not sure.. actually, scratch that. i haven't been okay, not really."
his throat feels dry but he continues. "not since waking up from hospital."
he can feel seohyun turn to look at him, but before the brunette can ask what's wrong, choi joon forces himself to continue. "do you remember when i said choi joon died?"
it takes a minute, but he sees the elder nod from the corner of his eye. "seohyun. why did you look at me like that?"
"like what?" there's a frown on his lips when choi joon turns to look at him.
"why did you look at me like you knew he did?" choi joon pauses, finally recognizing what that emotion he couldn't name was. his enchanting, green eyes widen. "why did you look at me like you were mourning? why do you keep looking at me like that?"
seohyun freezes, body strung high.
a minute passes. another. then another. and another. and another. it passes like the dribbling of sand in an hourglass, trickling and trickling until it reaches its end.
seohyun caves, sagging into the bench seat. he looks at the distant leaf.
"it's because i am mourning." he pauses, exhaling slowly. "joon. you're not my brother are you?"
choi joon grips the chain of the porch swing. "how, no, when did you know?"
"probably since the beginning?" seohyun laughs. it comes out scathing. "joon, do you know why choi joon died?" of course he doesn't. seohyun wasn't expecting an answer anyways. "choi joon's dad fell in love with my mom and began dating her when he was barely five. they got married when he was six."
the breeze picks up, shaking the stray leaf.
"when we became a family, his dad would go the extra mile to create a better relationship with me. he took me to reading cafes, him and my mom attended my school events together, and i guess we just did a lot by ourselves."
the clouds seem to be merging together, blocking the sun.
"choi joon and i never really got along, but i thought it didn't matter as long as our parents loved him. i thought they did the same things for choi joon like they did to me but.." his voice strains. "i learnt the truth the same afternoon he took his life."
the brunette lowers his head, taking in slow inhales. "for years, choi joon said he felt like an outsider; felt inferior next to me because he was just average in terms of academic achievements, athletic abilities, and even appearances. he said he didn't deserve their love, not compared to me at least."
his voice begins to waver. "he felt like some disease, like a plague in our family. his presence was like a disruption to our 'perfect' family title, an oddity in normality. it was impossible for him to coexist with us, coexist with me apparently."
"i still remember what he said to me that day, the last words he'd ever tell me." he squeezes the wooden beams of the swing, knuckles turning white. "seohyun, i wish i could call you hyung." he breaks down, burying his face into his hands as he cries.
"he spat out the word brother with so much hate and disgust and i.. what was i supposed to say? if i had said something beforehand, would he still be here? if i had tried harder to get along, would he be smiling with us? i've thought about it hundreds of times but then i.." he turns to look at him.
"then i look at you, and think, perhaps it was for the better." he laughs, crooked and empty. "how vile is that? i knew you weren't him the moment you woke up and looked at me with unguided innocence; looked at me like i wasn't your murderer, the whole reason you almost died."
the sky seems to cry with him as it begins to rain. "i tried, really. i tried so hard to deny it; deny that i didn't kill choi joon and was just making things up in my head. but then, but then you— that night, you said he died and i just knew right then i could never rid of the blood on my hands."
seohyun snickers, the sound cruel and taunting. "and yet, the part that disgusts me the most, the part of me that i despise so whole heartedly is that i'm thankful you exist. i'm so glad you're here despite not being him. how sickening is that?"
he slips off the swing, crashing to the floor. seohyun bows to the thunder, to the rain, to the icy air, wondering if maybe, just maybe, it could cleanse him of his sins.
wordlessly, choi joon follows, arms wrapping around the elder as he tries to protect him from the brisk weather. "me too, seohyun. me too." it it feels like he's the only one holding the brunette together; whose keeping himself from breaking? "i'm so glad i get to experience the life he has despite his death. how immoral are we both?"
seohyun turns to look at him, really look at him. "do you know what i feel sorry for the most though, joon? i'm sorry you were by yourself. i'm so sorry i left you to deal with everything alone; just like how i left choi joon."
the raven wonders if there's a limit to how much tears he can produce.
when sunhee and juwon come to bring them inside, choi joon breaks the truth to them too. there's endless tears, inexpressible apologies, and anguish grieving.
they cry for the regrets that can't be undone, they apologize for the mistakes inadvertently woven, and they grieve for the death of a son gone far too young.
most surprisingly though, they weep for the anguish that is choi joon. both choi joon's. choi joon who died too early and choi joon who endured too much. choi joon who lost his life and choi joon who lost his identity.
there's no right or wrong answer to this moral dilemma. there will never be one because he can't say that it's a happy ending, when a life lost could never be considered a happy one.
however, there is one thing he could make of it though.
a new door opens to a new beginning.
choi joon, no, joon, wonders if choi joon is looking at him now; if this is the ending he had asked for when he chose to end his short life.
joon wonders if choi joon and him swapped places, if he is living his life, the one that he too left behind far too young.
if he is, he hopes choi joon will come to accept it as well.
seohyun joins him by the window, a cup of water in his hand.
"you okay?" he asks, the raven humming non committedly in response.
"do you miss him?"
"choi joon?"
"yeah."
"i don't think we ever had the chance to kindle a relationship where we could foster the ability to miss each other."
"i see."
"why do you ask?"
the raven merely casts a small smile. "just curious i guess."
"don't you know curiosity killed the cat?" seohyun teases, ruffling his hair.
"but satisfaction brought it back," joon blinks, confused.
"ah, nevermind." the brunette rubs his long strands. "are you going to cut your hair?"
"yeah, i'm going to cherish this life now.." he mumbles, reminded of what chae ai said as he runs his fingers through the dark locks. "i'll just consider it an equivalent exchange. he got my life and i got his."
seohyun smiles sadly, an arm wrapped around joon's shoulders. "alright."
"hyung," he calls out. "i can live now, right? like, i'm allowed to be alive? i'm not him anymore, right? i can live how i want to? i can live as myself?" it comes out as a meager whisper, barely heard above the fire cackling in their fireplace.
"of course, joon-ah. you deserve it the most out of anyone."
outside the window, the leaf is whisked off the branch and into the sky; fluttering as if it was waving goodbye.
their first snowfall occurs, painting the world white.
note: angst pt1 done; chae ai is next and then we've made it through to the main plotline woohoo, i hope this ending didn't make anybody frustrated because i really tried to make it realistic how guilty one would feel: but also, the identity crisis that may comeof it, hopefully i can update later tn cu chat