"Stop! Stop!" I wailed over and over, but the pleas fell on deaf ears. I watched as Satoru fell. Once, twice, thrice, so many times, landing in a puddle of blood. Sometimes, it didn't even play out how it actually happened. Stabbed in the heart, head lobbed off, beaten bloody. It didn't matter. Each time, the hurt accumulated more and more. This time, I had thrown myself over Satoru's lifeless body, but He didn't care. The image of Toji, with that disgusting grin, always came back. It's been 6 weeks since it all happened but the night terrors were relentless. Searing pain. Once. Twice. Thrice. So much. The slow, immense burning was now everywhere. My chest, my back, my legs, arms, stomach, head. Sword after sword driven into any and all parts of my body. Down, down. Through me, to Satoru. As if pinning us together. His lifeless eyes bore into mine as tears fell and littered his colorless face.
I shot awake. My breathing shallow and rapid. I brought a hand to my face, sticky with sweat. My clothes clung to me. I tried to look around the room, gain my bearings, but it was dark. I looked over at the red glow from the alarm clock. 3:06 am. I let out a low groan and dragged my hands down my face. This has happened every night, and it's really starting to wear me down. Some nights, if I'm lucky, I'll get around 5 hours of sleep. Other times? Much less. I reluctantly slipped out of bed and made my way out to the hall. I went towards the short rows of sinks and turned on the tap. I splashed my face with the cool water, not really caring if any fell on the ground. I let out a sigh, beads of water dripping down my face. I looked into the small mirror that hung above the sink. Dark circles under my eyes, my skin was paler than before, my cheekbones a bit more prominent, my hair was cut just below my shoulders now too from having fist full of hair ripped out. Trouble with sleep, trouble with appetite, trouble with focusing. I want to disappear. I wiped my face and decided to try to get more sleep, knowing that I would more than likely lay in my bed as the memories flooded back. As I reached the door of my room, my hand loosely grasped the doorknob. I didn't have it in me to turn it, so I just sank to the floor. I laid there and just stared at the white wall opposite of me. I've been on a few mission since then, not really remembering what happened. I wasn't here most of the time, my body was just on autopilot. When im alone all I feel are grief, fear, guilt, and shame. Tears fell, the stillness in the air broken by the sound of the droplets slow pattering onto the floor. I balled my hand into a fist and furiously wiped at my eyes. Death happens. It's a part of being a sorcerer. So, why is this hurting me so much? Why is this, out of all things, causing me so much anguish? I sat up and gave myself a harsh smack to both my cheeks.
"Get over it." I told myself. It became a nightly mantra. Get over it. Get over it. Get over it. Get over it. Get over it. Why can't I get over it? Tears threatened to spill again. I blinked them back and sniffled. I picked myself off the floor and made my way down the hall. Light footfalls echoed through the dark, empty hallway but I've memorized the number of steps it took to reach my destination.
"...11, 12, 13." I stopped and turned to the door. I didn't bother with knocking. He started leaving the door unlocked for me, even if he wasn't here. Ever since that day with Toji, Satoru began going on more solo mission. They became more frequent, sometimes lasting days or weeks at a time. The loneliness became suffocating. I carefully opened the door, a low creak announced my entry. I heard blankets shuffle.
"Mai?" Came a groggy voice. I didn't respond. The door clicked close and I locked it, wanting to give myself a sense of privacy and security. I walked over to the bed and curled myself under its covers. I felt him shift, turning to his side and giving me more space to get onto the bed. He fixed the covers, popping my head out so that I could breathe. I felt his arm wrap around my body, pulling me closer to him. His warmth, his scent, his everything filled my senses. I let out a sigh and relaxed into his arms. "You okay?" Satoru whispered out.
"Mmm." I hummed.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head in response. Some nights it's easier to talk about, but not this time. I felt him press his lips to the top of my head. "It's okay. We're safe here."
My eyes hurt. From crying, from being tired, from constantly rubbing them. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and sleep, but the fear of what I may dream about kept me awake. I felt Satoru rubbing circles on the small of my back. Guilt filled me as I pursed my lips and scrunched my brow.
"I'm sorry.." I breathed out.
"Why?" His voice hushed, but clear enough for only me to hear.
"I do this every night now.. I come crawling here.. and days where you are actually here, you dont even get much sleep.. I can go.." more tears. When will they stop? I began to pry myself from his arms but was stopped when he held me tighter.
"Don't. I want you to stay." He laid his head against mine. I could feel his breath fan across my face. "I don't want you to be alone. I don't want you to go. I've missed you." He confessed. "Please, stay." I snaked my arm around his back, clinging to the fabric of his shirt.
"Okay." Was all I could muster. I felt him move his arm to grab mine, bringing them into a comfortable position where we were able to hold hands. He brought our hands up to his face, leaving soft kiss on the back of mine.
"I love you." He moved our hands, this time planting a kiss to my forehead. "I love you." A kiss to my eye. "I love you." A kiss to my lips. "I love you." I let go of his hand and brought my own up to cradle his cheek. I kissed him on the lips.
"I love you." He held me, enveloped me with his massive frame. He tangled his leg into mine, and we lay there until we fell asleep.
•·················•·················•
The low rumbling of thunder stirred us awake. The soft pitter patter of raindrops hitting against the window making us aware of the storm that had been going on. I felt Satoru stretched. We had changed positions while asleep, from lying side my side to each other to Satoru burying his head into my chest, a hand under my shirt and resting on my belly. This was something he began doing after Shoko fixed me up. I had a scar. From under my ribcage across to my left hip. Satoru would rub it, tracing it and just giving it affection. As if he were trying to replace the memory of how it happened with his touches.
"Satoru." I whispered out. He didn't move. "Satoru." I said, a bit louder this time. Still nothing. "Satoru, I know you're awake." This time, I patted his head.
"You have no proof." He muttered out. I chuckled at his childishness. I turned to look at the clock that sat on his bedside table. 9:16 am. I perked up, but that quickly diminished at the thought that we were an hour late to classes. I didn't have my phone so I checked Satoru's to see if we had any missed calls or messages, and I was right. 2 missed messages, from both Suguru and Shoko.
Chainsmoker
27/09/2006 7:16 am
Yaga canceled classes for the day, make sure you tell Mai. Try to get her to nap today too. She needs it.
I exited out of Shoko's message and clicked onto Suguru's.
Baby Daddy
27/09/2006 8:57 am
Shoko and I went to get some breakfast, there's some food outside your door for you guys. I'm assuming Mai's with you. Please make sure she eats something.
I smiled at the messages. Silently thanking whoever was out there for blessing me with such wonderful friends.
"Suguru and Shoko left us some breakfast by the door, I'll go get it." I told Satoru.
"Nooo," he whined out. "So warm." He buried himself further into my chest, his hands getting dangerously higher.
"Let me get the food before it gets gross." I said, pushing his hand away. I heard him let out another whine as I went to the door. I opened it to see a white baggie sitting on the ground next to the door. I picked it up, still felt warm. "Satoru, can you message Shoko and Suguru to thank them? I don't have my phone." I asked as I walked back to the bed.
"Just did," he said, tossing his phone back onto the bed. "What they bring?" I opened the bag and was met with the delightful smell of bread.
"Looks like they went to the little bakery we took Mafuyu and Himeko to on Mafuyu's birthday."
"Oh sweet, that place was good." He said, sitting up and quickly grabbing the bag from my arms.
"Hey!" I scolded. Satoru just waved me off.
"Look! They got you that filled sweet bread!" He handed me the delicious treat. Still warm. I felt my stomach rumble. I took a bite from the bread, but the flavor wasn't as I remembered. It was dull. Much like everything I've eaten recently. I put the bread down. "Is something wrong?" Satoru asked.
"I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought." I lamely excused.
"Your stomach growled not even 10 seconds ago." Satoru swung his long legs over the side of the bed and sat shoulder to shoulder with me now. "Mai, you need to eat. You haven't been, you've lost a lot of weight. Please, let me help you take care of yourself." I looked over to him, his eyes were filled with concern.
"I just.. haven't had much of an appetite recently, that's all." I tried to reassure.
"That's fine, I didn't expect you to eat a full course meal after.. you know. Your grieving, that's normal. You don't have to eat all of it, just some. Please?"
"..okay.." I picked up the bread and nibbled on it. I bounced my legs lightly, feeling awkward at the silence. "How did uh.. how did your mission go?" I tried to start a conversation.
"It was fine, easy. Just took a while." He replied. "Mai, is something wrong?" I felt him lean closer to me. I leaned into his warmth.
"I.. just missed you.." I answered. Satoru brought me in for a hug, peppering my face with soft kisses.
"I've missed you too. Do you wanna go do something?" He suggested. I just shook my head.
"I'd like it if we just stayed here. I need a day with you. Just like this." I brought my hand up to cup his face. He nuzzled into my palm.
"Okay, we can stay here."
Satoru finished off his bread, I was able to eat about 3/4 of mine. Satoru already has plans to feed me little things throughout the day. I didn't protest.
"Do you wanna watch TV?" Before I could answer, Satoru already turned the TV on. Flipping through the channels until he was satisfied with a rerun of a drama that came out last year. He made himself comfortable between my legs. Head resting on my chest. My hand immediately burying itself in his soft white locks.
"Oh, did you see that there have been some repairs done at Hanayashiki and its opening back up next week?" Satoru excitedly asked.
"I didn't see that, that's cool."
"I heard that a new restaurant opened close by too. Western style food, if I remember correctly." Satoru went on about the things to do around Hanayashiki.
"Satoru, what are you trying to get at?" I questioned.
"Oh, well I was just thinking that uh, it would be fun.. you know, for us to go?" He tentatively asked, I felt him sink his body further into mine.
"Like, all of us?"
"Well.. ideally, just the two of us..?" I have never heard Satoru be so timid.
"Are you asking me on a date?"
"Yes..?"
"What do you mean "yes..?" Are you, or are you not?"
"Yes. I am asking you to go on a date with me." He said more confidently.
"I would love to," I replied. "But what about all the stuff with our clans?" Even though I have been named Clan Head for nearly a year now, the prospect of marriage still comes up. "Plus, you said you wanted to wait until you got your technique down."
"I have, well, not fully. But after the incident, it opened my eyes to new methods that I didn't think of before. I've been working on it recently, it's not perfect, but with a bit more tweaking I think I'll have it down before the end of next year." He explained.
"Wait, really?" I gave him a hopeful look. "So we won't have to sneak around like this anymore?"
"Yeah," he brought my hand down and left a soft kiss on my palm. I felt him shift, turning himself over so that his chest lay flat on mine. Bringing his lips up to meet mine. "Then I can kiss you whenever I want." I smiled and kissed him again. I felt Satoru left put his weight onto his arms, adjusting himself to now be hovering over me. He didn't break the kiss, but with the new position it deepened. His lips moved against my own, the loneliness I felt taking over me and pulled him impossibly close. My arms coming up to circle over his shoulders, locking him in the embrace. I felt one of Satoru's arms go under my back and around my waist, holding onto me. His other coming up to hold the back of my neck. I let out a low hum of satisfaction. I could feel Satoru graze my lower lip with the tip of his tongue. I let my own tongue play with his, slow to start but soon we were a panting mess. Satoru flipped us, and now I was straddling his waist. I tried to break away to catch my breath but he refused to stop. My head was going dizzy, did kissing always feel this good? Satoru brought his hands and began to slowly go under my shirt. My skin pebbled from his touch. His fingertips felt hot against sides, stomach, ribs. His hands were going so achingly slow. I felt his hands brush the underside of my breast.
"No bra?" He broke away, now peppering my jaw and neck with hot kisses.
"They're.. uncomfortable to sleep.. in," I replied between breaths.
He took my breast into his hand and began to massage it. I let out a breathy moan from the foreign touch. This seemed to be the reaction he wanted because I felt him smile against the crook of my neck. He began to suck and nip at my neck. His rough hand was now pinching and tugging at my hardened nipple. He ran his thumb over it as I let out sighs.
"God, you're just so fucking hot," Satoru said before biting down on where my neck and shoulder meet. I let out a huss, but that was soon replaced with more breathy moans as I felt him kiss and lick at the sore spot. I felt something push against my thigh, my eyes quickly snapped open at the sensation.
"Sa.. Satoru..?" The rush of ecstasy was coming down, part of me forgot about what this could have led to. And I wasn't sure ifbi was ready.
"Yes?" He looked up at me, but his expression quickly changed once he saw the anxiety on my face. "Hey, are you okay? Do you want to stop?"
"I.. I don't.. I uh," I couldn't get my thoughts straight. Part of me wanted to continue, but part of me was screaming to stop.
"Hey, hey. It's okay. We can stop, it's fine." He quickly got off.
"No!" My hands shot up to his arm. "I mean.. uh.." I let him go. I felt uneasy. I didn't want him to go, but I wasn't ready to go further. Not yet. Satoru grabbed my hand.
"I dont mind waiting." He brought it up to his lips. "If it's for you, I'll wait as long as it takes."
"I'm sorry," I looked away. I felt embarrassed.
"It's alright, we did get a little carried away," Satoru said as he got comfortable next to me. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to."
"But I do!" I yelled out a bit too loudly. "I mean.. eventually? I dont know, I just got nervous."
"And that's fine. We can go at your pace." I felt him press his lips to the top of my head.
"Thank you, Satoru." I said with a sigh.
"Anything for you, Bunny."