Leonore jerked awake from a dream, well more like a nightmare and there was no way she was going back to sleep anytime soon. She eased herself out of Kathy's arms, putting on a robe around her naked body and went downstairs. Leonore poured herself a whiskey and went to sit outside, lighting a smoke. It was a clear night; she could see all the stars in the sky, and it was a full moon. Leonore loved the nights like this, it wasn't too hot or too cold and it was just right. Leonore shook her head at the description of the weather, what was she in an episode of goldilocks and the three bears? Well small things amuse small minds and unfortunately, she was alone, so there wasn't a smaller mind to look on. Oh well, we can't have everything, she thought to herself and sighed. Leonore stared at the pool and felt like a swim, getting up stripping her robe before diving in the water. She sighed deeply in contentment, she was a typical Piscean and was most at home in the water. Feeling at peace floating in the water.
"Leo, please come back to me." The professor said, reaching out to touch Leonore's face.
Leonore jumped at the touch and stared bewildered at the professor before remembering where she was. The professor removed her hand, not wanting to make her uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry." Leonore said, feeling sad at the loss of the professor's hand.
"Where did you go?" The professor asked, interested in what took her attention.
"Nowhere important." Leonore answered, giving her a smile.
"I highly doubt it, you had a look of pure joy on your face, and it hurt to pull you from it. Also, a little envious as I knew you were thinking something really good." The professor said, sitting in the chair again.
"I always knew I was gay from a young age, but my mother pretty much had the same view as your family and husband. I was an abomination, and she tried her best to beat it out of me, so I hated myself for it and hid that side of myself. Having the reaction I did with you, hating you and wanting to hurt you. When really it was me, I hated and wanted to hurt. I lived in a constant war with myself because I knew there wasn't anything wrong with me. When I read the book, I got so angry at Stephen for bowing down to society and sacrificing her love. Then it hit me that I was just like Stephen, and I didn't want to be her anymore, so I decided to accept myself as I had already lost so much for someone who didn't love me enough to change their hate. Stephen was an idiot as she had real love and she threw it away. I don't want to throw away a chance at real love, my problem is that I am too good at being alone and it doesn't scare me as I have had to be alone. Which is a very dangerous thing, you become so self reliant that people become an inconvenience and emotions are a nuisance. However, I have felt real love recently, which in the beginning was forced and unpleasant, but with time it has healed some of my wounds. I know by denying my true self I would be losing so much as it is rather addictive once you start. If I was honest I would probably do exactly what Stephen did, so I have a long way to go before I kill the Stephen inside me and I find solace in the fact I am trying. The book made me feel less alone as I wasn't the only one who struggled with being gay and there was hope." Leonore answered, hoping it made sense and distracting her from her curiosity.
"I'm sorry..." The professor said, anger rising in her that she had to go through that.
"Don't be please, I don't want your pity and I have left that life behind me." Leonore replied, not wanting to hear her apology and see her look at her in pity.
"I don't pity you Leo, you are a very resilient person and I admire you." The professor answered, loving this girl more. "She must be something special to make you smile like that."
"No, I'm single. I do have a complicated relationship with someone, but we aren't dating. Do you have someone?" Leonore asked, curious if she was single.
"I'm also single. What is this complicated relationship?" The professor answered, wanting to know where she stood.
"Maybe when I know you a little better, I will explain." Leonore said, reaching her sharing limit.
They regarded each other and sat in a comfortable silence, both feeling at ease with each other. Leonore was surprised at this and how easily she let her in, normally it takes longer to trust someone. But with the professor she was no longer afraid, feeling safe with her and this still alarmed her a little. Maybe it was because she showed Leonore a part of herself with the book and telling her why it was her favourite book. However, she did feel all this when she first met her, but her fear wouldn't allow her to accept it and now she had allowed herself to truly feel the connection. Leonore had a strong desire to hold and kiss her, wanting to feel like she belonged and feel less lonely. But she knew she couldn't and had to go slow, despite it killing her not to have her.
"Understandable. So, Desert of the Heart?" The professor asked, understanding there were limits.
"Yes, you said you liked it." Leonore answered, wanting to know what she thought of it and curious of her opinion.
"Yes, I did. I very much liked the imagery and the existential thinking of Evelyn. The book was very psychology orientated and has a life lesson in it. However, I am more interested in why you like it and the story behind it." The professor replied, wanting to know her more.
"I love the existential thinking and the delving into the psychological imperfections and thinking. The way Evelyn blames herself for her husband's unhappiness and thinking she is incapable of loving someone. That she is toxic to people in her life, and I know that feeling and have the same thinking. Then there is Ann, who could love the whole damned world and has issues with committing to anyone. Seeing the immorality of the world, but still loving it and finding comfort in the desert with its emptiness and loneliness. Then the two come together and despite Evelyn not knowing what real love was and Ann not wanting to be anchored to anyone, they fall in love with each other. Though being completely aware of their issues they have and learning with each other to overcome them together, knowing their relationship wasn't going to be easy. I feel like maybe there is hope for me and there is someone for me who can help me as if these two very different people could try to get passed their issues so could I. My life quote is "I live in the desert of the heart. I can't love the whole damned world." I can't just love anyone and if I do love someone, it is only them. I view life as a desert, vast and lonely, I find comfort in the loneliness and prefer it to the chaos of the world. However, once in a while someone comes along and reminds me that the world isn't such a bad place. That you are not alone, and the safety of the desert isn't as perfect as it seems, wanting to join the chaos of the world. Well until they leave, and you run back to the safety of the desert to protect yourself from the cruelty of the world, to start healing again. I'm sorry I probably don't make sense." Leonore said, trying to explain her love for the book and what she got from it.
"In the desert of the heart, let the healing fountain start." The professor said absentmindedly.
"In the prison of his days, Teach the free man how to praise." Leonore said, finishing the final lines of the poem.
"Mmm, W.H. Auden in the memory of W.B. Yeats and yes, you do make sense." The professor replied, impressed by Leonore.
The professor got up and came closer to Leonore, sitting on the small table, she reached out and ran her thumb over her lips. Just as she was leaning in to kiss Leonore the phone rang making them jump. She answered it and was annoyed with the person at the other end for ruining the moment. But she was kind of glad as she had a strong desire to kiss Leonore and claiming her for her own. Leonore got up and signalled that she was leaving, and the professor put her hand up to stop her. The professor agreed to something and hung up the phone.
"I'm sorry about that, I've been asked to cover a tutorial and I have to go. But I wanted to say thank you for being open with me and talking to me." The professor said, even more annoyed their meeting had been cut short.
"You are welcome and thank you for being open with me as well." Leonore said, feeling sad for the missed opportunity of the kiss.
"I would like to finish this conversation; do you want to meet again next Tuesday?" The professor asked, hoping she would say yes.
"I would like that." Leonore answered, looking forward to seeing her again.
"See you Monday." The professor said, getting her things together.
Leonore didn't move to leave as she couldn't leave, and something was compelling her to stay. The urge to kiss the professor was too strong and she didn't want to leave until she felt that kiss. The professor looked at her and knew what she was thinking, she was thinking the same thing. Fuck it! Leonore thought to herself and closed the gap, crushing her lips against the professor's lips. The professor kissed her back and hugged her close, Leonore moaned, and the professor slipped her tongue inside her mouth, she let the older woman claim dominance over her. The pleasure was too overwhelming for Leonore, and she pulled away putting space between them, running from the office. When Leonore got outside, she put her fingers to her lips, remembering the feel of the professor's lips on hers and she was right, she did taste like heaven. Leonore shook it off and headed to the library, texting Angie that she was on her way.
The professor stood there in shock after Leonore left, touching her lips and recalling the kiss. She had kissed many women, but none felt like the way that Leonore kissed her. Her lips were so soft, and her mouth tasted like peppermint, the way she submitted to her. The only fault was her smell of that horrible Lynx Africa. The professor would buy her some perfume that would suit her better and be more lady like. Pulling herself together and headed to the tutorial. One thing the professor was sure of and that was she was in love with Leonore McNally, and she wouldn't spend another minute without her.
She found Angie up on the second floor in a corner, books and laptop open and sat down next to her.
"I won't be.... wow." Angie said, stopping when she saw Leonore's face.
"What?" Leonore asked, confused by her response.
Angie took out a tissue and wiped Leonore's mouth, she had a large smile on her lips knowing what she had been doing. Leonore blushed embarrassed that she had been caught.
"Somehow I know you aren't a kiss and tell type of girl." Angie answered, not bothering to ask who.
"No." Leonore replied, agreeing with her.
"So, with this pretending what are the limits?" Angie asked, already knowing who it was as she recognised the lipstick.
"We can hold hands, cuddle and quick pecks on the lips, we won't be sleeping together as in sex and if we do sleep in the same bed after dating for some time you need to wear clothes to bed." Leonore answered, Angie seemed like a girl who slept naked.
"How about just a t shirt and panties." Angie said, winking at Leonore.
"I think about it. Now what happened to get you disowned?" Leonore answered, groaning internally as she was a goddess.
"I am into bdsm, and I am a dominatrix." Angie answered, holding her breath a little.
"No way, that is so cool, and your parents disowned you for that?" Leonore replied, frowning thinking her parents were stupid.
"You are cool with that?" Angie asked, thinking this girl can't be for real.
"Totally and from a psychological standpoint bdsm is interesting, but personally not interested in trying it." Leonore answered, finding it all interesting.
"Mmm, so you and this woman is it serious?" Angie asked, certain she could change her mind.
"I don't know, I think she is my soulmate and I'm not totally certain something could happen between us." Leonore answered, feeling unsure despite that kiss.
"I'm sure you will figure it out. I'm here if you want to talk about it." Angie replied, knowing things about the professor that had her doubting it was in her favour.
"Do you need help to pack up your stuff?" Leonore asked, wanting to head home.
"No, all my earthly possessions are in my car and ready to move into your place." Angie answered, packing up her books and laptop.
They left the library and headed to Angie's car, going straight to the house. When they arrived Leonore told Angie to honk the horn to get Caro out to help as she knew what it meant. Caro came out with a confused look on her face.
"Angie is moving into the spare room." Leonore told Caro, handing her a box.
"Ok, like didn't you two just start dating?" Caro said, confused as to why she was moving in already.
"Yes, but she got kicked out of home and needs a place to live. That is why she is going into the spare room." Leonore replied, rolling her eyes at her.
"Oh damn! Sorry to hear that Angie and welcome to the asylum." Caro said, taking her stuff inside.
They helped get all her stuff into her new room and Angie bought them Chinese from Kevin's Place for dinner as a thank you for letting her move in. After dinner Leonore helped Angie to set up her room, which didn't take long as she didn't have a lot and Angie said she would get more things as time went by. They agreed to go shopping the next day and pick up things to decorate her room and make it feel more like home. Leonore's phone pinged and she pulled it out to check who was texting her, when she saw it was from her professor, she locked herself in her room.
Sitting down on the bed Leonore opened the message and read it, "Are you ok, and can I see you?" Leonore stared at the message and wanting the same thing, but she was unsure. However, she wanted to be near the woman who had took her breath away with one look and stole her soul with one kiss. Leonore answered yes and where? Her phone pinged again straight away "Meet me in the carpark near the skate park in five minutes." She texted yes and she would be there soon. Leonore put her shoes back on and told Angie and Caro she was going to get smokes, that she be back in a little while. Leonore drove to the carpark and got out of the car and felt stupid for not asking what the professor drove. A black BMW pulled up next to her car and the passenger window opened.
"Leo, get in." The professor called out to her.
Leonore got into the passenger seat and as soon as she turned towards the professor, she was pulled into a kiss. Leonore began kissing her back and moaned with pleasure, again the professor's tongue entered her mouth. This time Leonore entered a battle of dominance with the professor but lost again as she laced her fingers in her hair and pulled her hair. Leonore growled at the roughness and a jolt of pleasure shot between her legs. They kissed for several minutes until the need for air got the better of them, the professor rested her forehead against Leonore's and stared into her eyes. Leonore felt completely lost and found at the same time. She suddenly felt shy and hid her face in the professor's neck, she breathed in deeply and enjoyed the smell of her perfume.
"Are you alright my Lushka?" The professor asked, holding her tighter and rubbing her back.
"Does this mean you are my Mitya?" Leonore said into her neck.
The professor laughed and loved that she understood her name meaning, pulling her head out of her neck. So, when she answered she could show Leonore she was telling her the truth and second Leonore breathing on her neck was turning her on, it was too early for that yet. Leonore looked the professor in the eyes and waited for an answer.
"Would you like me to be your Mitya?" The professor asked, making sure she wanted this.
"Yes..." Leonore answered, without hesitation. "Do you want me to be your Lushka?"
"I would very much like that." The professor replied, smiling at her.
Leonore looked deep into her eyes, searching for the lie and found none. Still, she was scared and afraid of what she felt for the professor as she had never felt like this before.
"It is alright my Lushka, we will take it as slow as you like, and I will prove myself as much as you need to know. I love you my Lushka." The professor said, seeing the fear in her eyes.
"I love you too my Mitya." Leonore answered, swooning at the fact she said she loved her.
Virginia pulled her close and kissed her again, making Leonore feel her love for her.
"I love that you understood my reference." Virginia said, needing some distance as if she didn't stop, she would claim her then and there.
"Vita and Violet were my first real introduction to the lesbian world and they became my first role models until Evelyn and Ann." Leonore answered, explaining how she knew the names. "Plus, they are very hot and English, I liked Cathryn Harrison more than Janet McTeer."
"I see, you only like me because I'm blonde and from the UK and do I remind you of Cathryn Harrison?" Virginia said, smiling at her and teasing her.
"Well, it does help a lot and no, you remind me more of Catherine Deneuve." Leonore answered, teasing her.
"Do I really?" Virginia asked, not sure she sees the resemblance.
"Yes, though I think you are more beautiful." Leonore answered, admiring her beautiful face.
"You are so sweet my Lushka." Virginia said, cupping her face and giving her a quick kiss.
Leonore's phone pinged three times and pulled her phone out seeing three messages from Caro, Angie and Kathy asking where she was.
"Shit! I have to go, I have been gone too long." Leonore said, feeling sad to leave her Mitya.
"Why does Kathy call you Little one?" Mitya asked, curious and feeling a little possessive.
"I don't know as she hasn't told me yet, but she always calls me that and has since I first met her at sixteen." Leonore answered, not seeing a problem. "Oh, just a warning, if you see Angie and me acting like a couple in front of Caro, please don't get mad or jealous as she is helping me cover the fact that I want to be with you and no she doesn't know it is you."
"I'm glad you are just friend as I had to admit I was very jealous of her putting her hands on you." Mitya said, feeling relieved she had no competition.
"I'm sorry and unfortunately I really do have to go. I will text you when I get home." Leonore said, kissing her on the cheek.
"Wait, here is a gift for you and one last kiss before you go." Mitya said, pulling her into her lips again.
"Grr I really do have to go." Leonore said, pulling away from her reluctantly.
Leonore grabbed the box and got out of the car, getting home before she gets into deeper trouble from Kathy. She remembered to check her face before leaving the car and checking there was no lipstick on her face. Dialling Kathy before going in.
"Are you alright Little one?" Kathy asked, answering her phone immediately.
"Yes, I'm sorry I ran into someone and forgot the time. I'm home now." Leonore answered, not completely lying
"That is good Little one, you know Caro." Kathy replied, relieved she was alright.
"Kathy, when are you going to tell me why you call me Little one?" Leonore asked as Mitya had made her curious.
"I will tell you on Saturday when you come for dinner." Kathy answered, knowing it was time.
"Ok, is it alright if I bring my friend Angie on Saturday?" Leonore asked, wanting to introduce them.
"Of course, Little one. Now off to bed. I love you." Kathy answered, curious about the girl.
"I love you too." Leonore replied, hanging up and going inside.
Leonore got out of the pool and dried herself off, putting her robe back on. Sitting at the table and finished her whiskey off. She still remembered that first kiss, calling her my Lushka and the first of everything. The irony wasn't lost on Leonore, how one person can complete you and then turn around, breaking you all over again.
"Little one, are you alright?" Kathy asked, joining her after waking up alone.
"Yeah, I am now you are here." Leonore answered, pulling her onto her lap.
"Mmm, bad dream?" Kathy asked, hugging and kissing her.
"Nothing important." Leonore answered, not wanting to talk about it.
"Mmm, come back to bed." Kathy replied, kissing and nuzzling her neck.