(Transcription on a yellow pad. Almost incomprehensible handwriting. The writer must have written this in real time.)
what is hope keme keme keme iugnay mo sa white ecstasy (watch white ecstasy, Era!!)
anyway selmo says these:
You see, hope is not optimism alone. It is not "things will get better" (magiging ok din ang lahat). After all, an optimist calculates. And for an optimist to be able to calculate, they always have to look at an entire situation from a distance. They have to look at a distance in order to weigh which choice has a heavier merit. It's the calculation that makes an optimist's reality an objectum (alam mo pa naman ang objectum di ba?).
On the contrary, hope is and should be subjectum. It is not "seen" from the distance; it should always involve you. You experience it yourself. Kaya nga ang sinasabi ay "umaasa ako" - laging may ako. Laging damay ang sarili. Kahit sabihin mo na "Umaasa sila", nakaugat pa rin sa katauhan ng taong tinitingnan mo ang pag-asa na iyon. Those people still experience it themselves.
In other words, naroon dapat lagi ang pakikisangkot. Nakaugat parati ang pag-asa sa pakikisangkot.
And because you yourself is involved in hope, calculation will have to be very difficult. Wala kang matitimbang.
At dahil wala kang matitimbang, hindi ka sigurado.
The situation will have to be always, always uncertain.
di ko na masabayan sinasabi niya huhuhuhu
But is optimism wrong? Of course not. It's just that what optimism holds is hope that is not yet actualized and complete - yan 'yong pag-asa na wala pa. Pag-asa na hindi pa. So you have to move beyond that. And in order to do so, you have to take this bitter reality to the heart: that hope is always, always anchored on loss. Hope cannot exist without loss. Posible lang ang pag-asa sa kawalan. Sa hindi sigurado. Nakaugat parati ang pag-asa sa negatibong katotohanan, kakulangan, at karukhaan.
karukhaan: pagiging salat sa buhay
salat: ???????
huhuhu
Take this superficial example: "Umaasa ako na uuwi si Papa." What does it imply? Simple: Wala si Papa. Wala sa bahay si Papa. Sa sitwasyon na yan, hindi posible na masabi ang mga salitang "umaasa ako" kung naroon na si Papa sa bahay. Masasabi ko lang ang "asa" sa sitwasyon na wala siya. Kung wala ang wala, walang espasyo upang masabi ko na umaasa ako. Kung wala ang kawalan, hindi ko rin masasabi na aasa ako.
aasa ako aasa ako aasa ako
That's the irony of hope. It only exists on loss. On nothingness.
And that's also why there is always, always this temptation to push hope away. 'Yong mawalan ng pag-asa. Because it only feeds on the uncertain and loss.
So, at the end of the day, how should one define hope? One, it's not a feeling. Two, it's not optimism. Three, it's not a calculation.
It's a choice.
Hope is a choice at a moment of loss. Hope is a choice despite the uncertainty.
And that is why you can think of it this way: there will always be hope in situations of nothingness. Always.
Sa gitna ng delubyo, sa kawalan ng sagot ng Diyos, sa mga sitwasyon ng kawalan ng kasiguraduhan... naroon at naroon lamang ang espasyo upang mapag-isipan ang pag-asa. At sa palagay ko, iyon ang kakaibang kagandahan ng mga sitwasyon ng kagipitan - dahil sa gitna ng lahat ng ito, naroon pa rin ang isang maliit na liwanag.
//
(Bottom of yellow pad. Green ink. Cursive handwriting.)
Hindi man tiyak kung saan tayo patungo, laging may sapat na liwanag para sa susunod na hakbang.
Lagi.
- Guevarra, 2018