Cannon has been playing Saints Row on the X-Box all afternoon, my legs draped over his thighs, his forearms resting on my shins. I'm reading the latest installment in the seven-book romance series I've devoured over the past two weeks, but I've legitimately read the same sentence fifteen times in a row.
I cannot concentrate to save my life right now. It's not because of Cannon's thumbs moving the joysticks back and forth, his occasional curse when he makes a wrong move, or even his soft skin against mine.
It's because I am so torn about what to do as far as telling him about what I am, where I'm from, and what I'm meant to do with the rest of my life. I'm down to less than thirty days, and I'm about to be screwed if I don't make a decision fast.
On one hand, I feel like I need to tell him because he's the only prospect I have. What if he wants to go? Ever since I've known him, he's talked about wanting to work his way to the top, to be the best. He could be a king with me, oversee a Circle of Infernis. I don't think a human could fathom anything greater than ruling the afterlife.
But on the other hand...he might look at me like I am literally insane and run away screaming because honestly, who would believe such a thing?
I shift on the couch, crossing and uncrossing my legs before I lay my book facedown on my chest with a sigh.
Cannon glances at me from the corner of his eye and says, "Is something bothering you, Desi?"
"No," I say, dropping my book onto the floor and pushing my hair out of my face. "Yes. I don't know."
He pauses his game and rests into the cushions, bringing us eye level. "Is this about the other night? You've been quiet since the encounter in the kitchen. Did being with Jace and me at the same time freak you out?"
That isn't at all what I expected him to say. "No. I mean, it was different than anything else I've ever done, but I liked it," I murmur, my face flushing.
"Do you want to invite Jace into other intimate moments with us?"
My eyes go wide at how casually he asks the question. Demons have no shame when acting upon their desires. If they want to touch, they touch. If they want to show off their bodies, they leave their clothes at home. If they want to have more than one partner please them, orgies erupt in the middle of dining halls or while strolling down the street. Humans are more in control of their lust and find many natural acts taboo. I never thought Cannon would be so comfortable sharing. Especially with his roommate.
As much as I loved having Jace's hands on me, and as much as I adored being able to please him, I know it isn't good for us. It isn't good for my heart.
"No, that's not what this is about. As fun as it was, I think I'm okay with one partner at a time. It's something else. There's something I need to tell you, and I'm just so afraid you're going to freak out," I say, leaning my head against his shoulder and hooking my arm in his.
"Have I given you reason to think I would freak out? I've been open with you and I'm pretty open-minded. Why don't you give it a shot, and we will go from there."
"You haven't, but Cannon, this is on a whole other level. This is like, horror movie shit," I say, turning to face him and pulling my legs underneath me.
"I knew it. I fucking knew it. There is no way one girl can be so hot. You made a human skin armor and underneath you're some kind of alien reptile."
I laugh and shake my head. With a deep breath, I decide to just blurt it out. "No. I'm human—well, I'm as human as I can be while also being a demon. From a realm called Infernis. The home of chaos, mayhem, where each one of the seven deadly sins rules their own Circle. You're looking at one right here." I wave my hand down my body. "Want to run yet?"
"Are you're messing with me?"
"I'm not," I say, opening my hand, calling his glass of soda to me. I take a sip and lift a brow.
"That just might be the coolest thing I've ever seen," he says, his eyes darting between the empty space his glass sat in and me. "Do I get to guess your sin?"
Is he serious right now? Jace had a panic attack when I told him, and here is Cannon acting like run-ins with demons are an everyday occurrences for him. I can't help but to lean in and look him over. He has to be freaking out. But his breathing is normal, and he hasn't so much a batted an eye at my revelation.
Instead of questioning him, I roll with it. I get to my feet and stand in front of him, hip cocked to the side, hair probably looking like I haven't even run a comb through it today, with a smile playing at the corners of my lips. "All right then. Go for it, big shot."
"Lust. I'm going with lust after experiencing it with you firsthand."
I want to crawl under the couch and stew in my mortification. He still believes that he's given me several orgasms, and I don't have the heart to correct him. One day, I plan to come clean on that issue, but not today.
I clear my throat and flop back down onto the couch, stretching my legs back over his lap. "Nope. That would be my brother, Lux. Try again. What else have you experienced with me firsthand? A lot?"
"Eating? No way are you gluttony."
"Nope."
He tilts his head and narrows his eyes. "Desi, are you the ruler of sloth?"
I stretch my arms over my head and arch my back before sinking into the couch cushions. "I most certainly am. Quite literally the Queen of Lazy. It's part of where my name comes from—Desideria comes from the Latin desidia, which means idleness and inactivity," I say with a chuckle. "My parents got creative with all our names."
He laughs and relaxes next to me. "And what is the purpose of a lazy demon?"
"A lazy future queen," I correct him. "And my purpose is to create an atmosphere of sloth for the energies that thrive in that chaos."
His eyes widen and he smiles brightly. "Your father wants you to find a husband. Are you looking for a sloth king?"
My heart stutters in my chest. "Yes. That's why I'm really here. To find someone to take with me back to Infernis. Not just back to the 'little town' to my strict father the politician. My dad is the King of the Underworld. Who you probably think of as the devil. But he isn't. He's just chaotic and thrives in that environment. It wouldn't be just getting married. It would be giving up everything. Whoever I take will be giving up his whole life."
Cannon's expression sobers and he places his hand on top of mine. "I would do that for you, Desi. If you don't find someone, I'll go with you."
His promise flows so easily from his lips. He just learned what I am and where I'm from, and he is willing to go with me. I pictured him at least drowning me in an endless sea of questions. But just like that, he offers to go with me.
My lips part and I turn his hand over, intertwining our fingers. "You—wait. Hold on, Cannon. There's something I want to talk to you about before you go making a decision like that."
"Talk, Desi. You have my undivided attention. And I guarantee you that it won't change my mind."
God, I wish I felt the sparks for this man. "Okay. Let me start with a question. Do you have real feelings for me, Cannon? I'm not asking if you think I'm hot or if you like kissing me. Do you feel something for me?"
"I feel a connection. I won't lie and say it's love, but I have an immense respect for you and enjoy your company. And I think you feel the same. What we have is the solid foundation for a friendship and that is the most important thing to me. The rest will come with time."
My heart calms just enough to allow me to breathe easier. "What you're describing sounds a lot like a best friend. And you're right; I do feel that way about you. But I have to be up front with you; when we choose an eternal partner, it's for life. Eternity. There can be no one else. Even if it's a platonic partnership. Are you willing to risk giving up that physical connection with someone else just to rule next to me and be my best friend? And I mean, I suppose we could be best friends with benefits," I add with a playful wink.
"It will be tough, but I'm sure we can come to an agreement. Being friends hasn't stopped us from messing around yet."
I raise a brow and get to my feet only to kneel in front of him and bring my palms to his cheeks, pulling his face close to mine. "Cannon, are you sure about this?" Something in my belly stirs, and I don't know exactly what to call the feeling.
"I'm sure, Desi. I'd be honored to be your backup plan," he says with a smile.
It takes everything in me not to let my eyebrows furrow and betray my confusion. What person is "honored" or pleased to be someone's "backup plan"? Cannon is handsome, successful, kind, funny, smart; he could have anyone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and he's willing to go with me to another realm that he just learned existed? Even if it's just to be friends with maybe benefits for eternity? Bizarre.
But I just paste on a smile and lean forward to kiss his cheek. "Thank you, Cannon. You're the best. But if you change your mind, really, I will understand. It is a lot to ask of a person, even if we were actually in love."
"Desi." He grabs my wrist, stopping me from leaving. "I'm serious. I won't change my mind."
I look down at him and let him pull me onto his lap, my legs draped sideways over his thighs. My sharp inhale cuts through the air and he pushes some wild curls out of my eyes. "O-okay. I believe you," I say, our faces inches apart.
"I know it seems abrupt, but I trust you. You would never ask someone to do something if it was going to hurt them. All I'm asking is that you trust me as well."
My eyes search his and I don't see anything there but sincerity. For whatever reason, he really does just want to help me. So I nod and rest my forehead against his, nodding as I say, "I do. I trust you."
"Good." He pats me on the butt to move me along. "Now that you've got that all off your chest, I can get back to gangster shit."
I laugh and get to my feet. "'Gangster shit?'" I eye his buffalo plaid pajama pants and Old Navy hoodie. "Yeah, you're so gangster," I tease, scuttling out of the room when he pretends to lunge at me.
I'm jogging up the stairs with the intention to go to my room when something urges me down the hallway leading to Jace's. His door is cracked so I tap on his doorframe.
"Come in," he calls.
I step inside, and I see him sitting on the bed with no shirt and low-waisted joggers. His laptop screen reflects in his glasses, whatever he's looking at is holding his attention. That familiar tug in my lower abdomen is back and I can't help the automatic clench of my thighs.
"Hey, Jace, are you busy? I was wondering if we could talk."
He glances up at me and closes his computer. "What's up?" he asks, taking off his glasses and setting them on the nightstand.
"Can I sit down?" I ask, gesturing toward the bed, suddenly nervous.
His eyebrow dips and a slow smile spreads across his face. "Of course you can, Desi. You don't have to ask."
"Right. I—right." I sit facing him, crossing my legs underneath me. "I wanted to talk to you about the...countertop thing," I finish lamely, raising my eyes to meet his. "We had that conversation in the gym about...about being friends and then that happened. And, fuck, please don't think I didn't love it because I 100% did. I just...it was confusing. I wanted to...just talk about it a little."
"I crossed a line after we agreed to just be friends. I shouldn't have done that. But when I saw Cannon struggling with you, I knew I could help. I know the physical thing is a hurdle for you with him." He shakes his head. "Anyway, I shouldn't have interfered."
I shift onto my knees and grab his hand before I know what I'm doing. "No. That's not what I said. I'm glad you did. I'd probably still be on that counter trying to reach orgasm if you hadn't come in and taken over," I say, my cheeks heating with the embarrassing truth of the statement.
"You came in here to thank me?"
My cheeks flush and I look at my lap, suddenly embarrassed and wondering why the hell I came in here. "I guess in a way, yeah. But I also just wanted to know what I can expect from you going forward. Like, are we friends? Or is something like that going to maybe happen again and we're a little more than friends?" I pause and add, "It might also be important to note that Cannon and I basically just decided that we are nothing more than friends."
He leans forward and combs his fingers through his hair. His gaze moves over my face at a snail's pace like he is soaking in each inch of my skin. "Cannon has stood firm on his status with you for a while. Even if he didn't confirm it, I think the other night did. You two are not sexually compatible. And us..."
"What about us?"
His lips are so close to mine that the heat from his skin warms me. "We are very sexually compatible, Desideria. And we are also friends. I told you that the other day in the gym. That doesn't change because I helped another man make you come."
It's all I can do to keep from closing the miniscule distance between us. "You didn't fully answer my question. Is it going to happen again?" My voice is so low, it comes out as a rasp I hardly recognize.
He slides his hand along the side of my face until his fingers are tangled in my hair. The pad of his thumb brushes over my bottom lip, and he watches like his skin on my mouth is the most fascinating thing he's ever seen. "It will if you want it to happen again. You know where I stand, but I don't have the strength to resist you if you're offering."
Fuck, fuck, fuck. This is not what I came in here for. I thought he would adamantly tell me no. That it was too hard, too much, that he had to stay away from me for both of our sakes. That the countertop had been a colossal mistake. And now here he is telling me that he can't resist me if I'm offering? Goddamn it, of course I'm offering. He knows I'd offer him every single part of my fucking heart if he'd just take it.
Doesn't he?
"Jace, I—fuck, you know I want to kiss you so bad right now that it physically hurts. But you know as well as I do that it isn't a good idea. For either of us."
He sits straight, putting space between us again, and my heart plumets. When it comes to us, we don't have a clear right and wrong answer. Yes, I want to be physical with him again. No, I don't want to offer him my heart on a platter for him to break. Yes, things feel right between us when we aren't focusing on our futures. No, he would never give up his life here to rule by my side. The impasse we are at is painful. So fucking painful.
"I understand and respect your choice. If you ever change your mind, know that I'm willing to give you what you physically need, Desi."
I swallow over the lump in my throat and get to my feet. The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. "And if you ever change yours...you know where to find me."
"I do," he replies.
The resolve mixed with sadness is too much, and I spin around, not wanting to see the expression on his face. Is he just as pained as I am? Or does the damage to his heart make him numb to it all? Either way, it hurts, and I'd rather be by myself when the dam breaks and all my emotions come rushing out of me.