The knock on my bedroom door startles me and I sit up in bed, pulling the cover up around my bare chest. I haven't been out of bed all day, nor have I seen Jace since he left my room. What he said last night hurt me so unexpectedly that I haven't even wanted to risk seeing him in the kitchen or passing him in the hallway.
But it wasn't even so much what he'd said to me. It was what he'd said when he thought I was asleep that stung more than anything else. The knowledge that he believes he could have loved me if I'd met him sooner.
I hadn't even truly realized until that moment how much I wanted the chance for Jace to be my eternal partner. And to know that if timing had been different, it might have happened? It was devastating in a steamrolling over my heart kind of way.
Because I didn't expect it. I didn't expect to feel that pain. And if what I felt was a fraction of what Jace's heart went through, I couldn't imagine functioning day after day like that.
Another knock.
"Desi? Are you in there?"
Meredith.
Shoulders slumping in relief, I call, "Yes, come in!"
My friend opens the door and slips in, closing it back immediately, as if she knows I don't want anyone else inside. In one hand is a family size bag of peanut butter M&Ms and in the other she clutches two 20-oz bottles of Diet Coke.
"I thought you could use a little snack, especially when you didn't answer my texts all day. I thought we were going to go to the movies," she says, perching on the end of my bed and holding out the treats.
I take them and slap my forehead with my free hand. "Shit, Mer, I'm sorry. I completely spaced. I haven't even looked at my phone today. I'm..." I take a deep breath and rip open the bag of candy, shoveling an entire handful in my mouth. "I'm in crisis mode. I need advice, and it's an emotional emergency."
She pops two candies in her mouth and says, "Tell me what's going on and hopefully I can help."
"First of all, remember I told you that Jace and I had an incredible time at the dance you helped me get ready for?" She nods and I continue, "Well, ever since, we've pretty much been inseparable, and things have gotten, well, let's just say we've gotten close. I'd consider him my best friend, and I think he feels the same way about me. But we've complicated matters with..." I raise my eyebrow suggestively and her mouth forms an "O" of surprise.
"Oh! Oh my God! I had no idea!" She climbs up next to me in bed and burrows into the covers. "How is he? He's amazing, isn't he? He has to be. Ugh, I am so living vicariously through you," she sighs, cramming more M&Ms into her mouth. "Not that Jeremy isn't good at the bedroom stuff. But he is tired and with the kids, it's hard to find time. I'm sex deprived."
I shake my head and say, "Calm down. You don't want to live vicariously through me. He can't—I mean, you remember everything with his ex and the accident, right? That's, like, scarred him for life. He's convinced himself that he can never trust anyone again, and while he likes being with me and hanging out with me, and...you know, being with me, he says it can never be more than that. And you know I only have so long before I have to bring someone home with me as my intended. He's made it crystal clear that it can never be him."
Meredith rolls her eyes. "Come on. You can't tell me he doesn't have feelings for you. I call bullshit."
I lift one shoulder and say, "Even if he does, he refuses to let himself act on them in any sort of real way. And last night, he came upstairs with me and we were talking." When I tell Meredith everything Jace said, her eyes soften, and I can almost see her heart break for me.
"Oh, Desi. I'm so sorry. That had to have hurt."
"It did, and I was just so blindsided by how much it bothered me. I just fucking acted like I was asleep and waited for him to leave before I burst into tears." I bury my face in my hands for a moment before running my fingers through my tangled hair. "This is a disaster! Now I'm too embarrassed to face him. I don't know if embarrassed is the word, but I'm nervous. I—he's my best friend, and God, the things he makes me feel are so far beyond anything I've ever imagined, and I don't want to waste the little time I have left with him, but it just hurts so much. And I—I have to find someone to take home, regardless of how I feel about Jace."
"I know it is tempting to stay on the island that is Damaged Jace, but you've got another hot contender right under this roof. Cannon has talked to me about you, he likes you a lot. And I don't need to point out all his great attributes. You already know them. I think it's time that you seriously consider Cannon and quit letting Jace fog your brain."
I turn toward her and my brows meet in the center of my forehead. "Cannon talked to you about me? When? What did he say?"
"He was just talking about the time he has spent with you and how utterly spectacular he thinks you are. The man has had a thing for you since the moment he stepped foot in this house. I know you know that."
I lean my head back against the headboard and sigh. "We went on a couple of dates and shared a pretty sexy moment on the couch—that Jace helped set up. That was before Jace and I started our little arrangement." I shake my head. "Anyway, then one night, we went up to my room and fooled around and..." My cheeks turn red, and I groan. "God, this is humiliating. But I had to fake it, Meredith. I had to fake an orgasm. And he didn't even fucking realize it. Ever since then, I have hardly been able to look at him. Tell me how to get past that and I swear I will try!"
Meredith's infectious laughter bounces off the walls. She holds out a hand, letting me know she is trying to recompose herself. It takes her several times to catch her breath and say, "Desi, show me a woman who hasn't had to fake it once or twice, and a man who hasn't been clueless. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. You weren't the first and you sure as shit won't be the last."
Her words loosen a knot in my chest. "Really?"
"Yes, girl. I can tell you have six brothers and no sisters," she says with another breathless laugh. "If that's all that's holding you back, push that shit aside and let's go. Give Cannon another shot. He's sexy, sweet, successful, funny, and he's right here."
I consider this and let out a resigned sigh, unscrewing the lid from my Diet Coke and taking a swig. "Fine. I'll try again. But what do I do about Jace? I'm scared to face him after just fucking pretending to fall asleep like a coward."
Meredith places her hand on my shoulder. "That's up to you. You heard something he clearly thought was safe to get off his chest. Whatever you choose, I'm sure he will be reasonable. If Jace is anything, it's levelheaded."
"All right, all right," I concede, sitting all the way up and turning to face her. "What should I say to Cannon? How do you know he's still interested in me? That was weeks ago."
"I thought you said Cannon was cool with whatever you want to do. So tell the man you want another date."
"But I've basically ignored him for weeks because I thought no one ever faked orgasms and I was, like, a freak of nature. What if he's given up on me?"
Meredith stands with the bag of M&Ms. As she pops them in her mouth one by one, her dark curls bounce against her shoulders. "He spoke to me about you last weekend, and I'm suddenly feeling like he sent me in to do his dirty work. Sneaking, handsome, son-of-a-bitch." She stops and cocks her hip, her slender fingers sliding into the pocket of her skinny jeans. "He still wants you."
I draw my bottom lip between my teeth and nod. "Okay. Okay. I'll talk to him later tonight. I'm just going to finish this one chapter I'm reading."
"Nope. Nope." She snatches my book from my nightstand and yanks on my arm. "Up you go. Stop dragging your feet and be the strong woman—"
Her silence throws me into a panic. At first, I think she is astonished by my naked body, but when I follow the line of her gaze, I quickly learn I'm wrong. She is staring at my mark.
"Well shit, this all makes sense now. The weird marriage customs, your lack of knowledge about human men. You're a demon," Meredith says in awe.
There's no point in denying it. Clearly, I had been right that day, and that was a mark I'd seen on her lower back. "I am. And what are you, my friend? I caught a glimpse of your mark awhile back but couldn't tell what it was...I'm feeling angel, but I'm not exactly sure."
She lowers the waist of her pants and shows me the swirling sun with eight pointed rays around it. "You'd be correct."
"Does this...Can we still be friends?"
"Girl, you know Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart are friends, right?"
I laugh, remembering when I told Jace the same thing. "Yes."
"We root for different teams, but there are no rules that say rivals can't be friends."
"Good, because this marriage thing...I need to confide in you about it because it's kind of a big fucking deal. It's—" I take a deep breath. "My father is Chaos. I'm the Princess of Sloth."
Meredith grabs a shirt out of my drawer and hands it to me. "Daddy's the king; no wonder you have endless funds. Next time we go to the mall, you are buying me a pair of Louboutins. No questions asked."
I can hear the good-natured teasing in her tone. She has no intentions of making me buy her anything. Not that she would need me to, Jeremy owns a lucrative accounting firm. I ponder that for a moment: an angel living in this realm with a family. It isn't possible to conceive children with a mortal, which means her and her angel husband have created their own tiny host here. I shouldn't be surprised, just like demons, angels are assigned to this realm for multiple human lifetimes. They have children, jobs, and pose as humans. One day, Meredith and her family will be called back to Pax and perhaps her children will be assigned to the human realm again when they are older.
"Deal," I say, tugging the shirt over my head. "I have less than two months now...closer to a month and a half to get this figured out, and if I don't, my father is going to arrange a marriage for me. To a demon. And I spent the better part of 125 years looking for someone, Mer. They aren't there. What am I going to do?"
She places her hands on my shoulders and squeezes. "You're going to put some pants on, go downstairs, and talk to Cannon. That man likes you, and I know you like him too. Even if just as a friend. Didn't you say that could be an eternal partner for you too?" When I nod, she continues. "Would you rather have a friend next to you for all eternity, one you find sexy and funny, rather than some random demon you don't even know? And one day, you and Cannon could grow into more."
She's right. Of course she's right. I pull open the bottom drawer of my dresser and rifle through it until I find some leggings, shoving my legs into them. "All right. I'm going. Thanks, Mer, seriously. You're the best. And I am so glad I can talk to you about this openly now. What a relief."
"We are going to have to play this like all the other angel/demon friends. Don't share with me anything important going on in your realm. Angelo has a strict rule that we have to report anything that will give him the upper hand in his bet with Chaos. He takes that bet way too seriously."
"You've met Angelo?"
She laughs. "Of course not. There's some kind of form we'd have to fill out. Yeah, he uses Google Forms," she jokes.
I can't help but join her laughter and pull her into a quick hug. "I won't say anything more. Just...thank you for your advice about Cannon."
She squeezes me tight and steps back. "No problem. Now go get your man."
A few minutes later, I'm dressed and my curls are hanging loose over my shoulder, my teeth freshly brushed and a bit of perfume spritzed on my wrists as I jog down the stairs.
Sure enough, Cannon is sprawled on the couch, the video game controller in his hand, playing some game I've seen him and Jace yelling over for countless hours. I drop onto the couch next to him, leaving a good amount of space between us. "Hey, Cannon," I say, feeling inexplicably shy.
He spares me a sidelong glance and returns his attention to the television. "Desi," he says with a nod. "I was starting to think you forgot I exist."
Yikes. The temperature just dropped 20 degrees in here. "Sorry. I—Jace and I have been a little preoccupied," I say, deciding not to lie about it. "And I feel like you've been working a lot lately..." I add lamely, my cheeks flushing bright pink.
"Things at work took an unexpected turn and I was called into headquarters for an urgent meeting. I think we got it all worked out and hopefully things will straighten up in the next few days. I should be around a little more."
"Well, that's good, because I wanted to ask you something."
"What's that?"
"I just wondered if you wanted to—" I stop short and decide to just lay it out and be honest. "I was hoping you've give me another chance, Cannon."
He pauses his game and sets down the controller. Pivoting his body to face mine, he says, "I never stopped giving you a chance. I told you to explore your options. If Jace was someone you wanted to experiment with, that's fine. All you have to do is name the night and I'm there."
It's so strange to me that he's not even a little bit jealous. Maybe it's just from having literal Envy as a brother, but I just can't help but think if he really wants me, doesn't it sort of make him crazy to picture someone else touching me?
I push the doubt away and present him with his first option to date me again. "Tonight? I don't have anything to do, and you're here before you're called away again."
A gleam sparkles in Cannon's eyes, and he says, "I'll take you up on your offer, but I want you to plan the date. It's the least you can do after literally ghosting me for two weeks."
A sheepish smile crosses my face. "That's fair. I already have an idea." I wiggle my eyebrows at him and echo his words from our first date. "Dress warm and meet me down here in an hour."
***
An hour later we are in Cannon's Lexus driving to a place on the edge of town that I'd researched in record time. He has one hand on the wheel and the other on the gearshift, and I get the feeling that he wants me to reach over and place my hand over his. But I don't. Not yet. I want to feel things out for a little bit, see how easily we fall back into the dynamic we had going before I went and messed everything up.
"So where are we going?" he asks, breaking the silence.
"Uh uh," I say, shaking my head. "It's a surprise. Besides, we are almost there."
"Have you been there before?"
"No. In fact, I've never even done this thing before."
He glances at me from the corner of his eye. "Oh jeez. You're taking me turkey shooting, aren't you?" he says with a straight face.
I whack him on the shoulder. "Cannon! No! That's horrible!"
"What?" he says, trying not to laugh. "Our first date was shooting bows. It's almost Thanksgiving and I figured you might want a turkey to eat."
I shudder. "Not one that I kill myself! No, no, there will be no animals harmed tonight. Or any night." I point to the left. "There, turn right up there, and it's on the left."
Cannon does as I say and when he realizes where we are, he puts the car in park and looks at me. "You've never been to a ski resort?"
"I've never been ice skating and they have two of the prettiest outdoor rinks. I've always wanted to, and I thought you might want to do it with me for the first time."
"I have to warn you that I'm an excellent ice skater. Double-axles and spins, we are talking gold medal technique."
"Well, who better for me to skate with for the first time than a would-be Olympic gold medalist?"
"No one, and I'll keep you from falling on your ass too much." Cannon gets out of the car and rounds it to my side. He opens my door and holds out his hand. "Come on, beautiful. Let's turn you into an ice queen."
I place my hand in his and hop out of the car. "I'm ready, but you should know that I am a little clumsy, so be prepared to hang on tight because I might end up on my ass a lot."
"I'm aware."
Cannon folds my hand in his, and we walk down the cobblestone walkway through a small village of shops and eateries. Freshly fallen snow lines the road and river rocks and slats of wood making up the buildings. It's charming and reminds me of pictures I've seen of the Swiss Alps. We enter the building to rent our skates and once in hand, we set off outside to put them on.
The enormous rink is surrounded by the hotel and in the distance snowcapped mountains point toward the darkening sky. The breeze blowing off their icy peaks chills the air, making it much colder than I'm used to. Amber twinkling lights snake around the wooden railing around the rink and dozens of skaters glide around in the amber glow. It is one of the most magical places I've been to in this realm.
"Are you ready?" Cannon asks, standing in his black skates and holding his palm out for me.
I get to my feet and am immediately off balance. I snatch his hand and fall forward into his arms, my cheek smashing against his chest. "Yeah," I mumble, my voice muffled in his ivory cable-knit sweater.
He laughs and pulls me upright, supporting my weight and slipping his arm around my waist, gripping my hip. "Off to a fantastic start," he teases, pushing my hair out of my face and tugging my stocking cap down over my ears.
"I told you. I think you underestimated my clumsiness," I say as we make our way to the ice.
"Perhaps." He steps onto the ice with the grace of a ballet dancer, and I realize he wasn't overexaggerating about his skill as he executes some fancy jump and spin combo before beckoning for me to join him.
I'm still clutching the railing and gaping at him when I say, "You don't understand; I don't think I'm even going to be able to go a couple feet without landing on my ass and you're over here doing some freaking figure skating shit!"
"I've seen you walk in some killer heels; you've got this."
I wobble across the ice to him with the grace of baby giraffe...on ice skates. He hooks my arm in his and I grip his sleeve as we inch forward.
"Stop overthinking it and relax. This is a peaceful sport. Look at this beautiful scenery and let yourself glide," he says, urging me to make bigger movements with my feet.
I let out a breath and relax my shoulders, mirroring him so that my feet aren't making tiny steps but longer strides, and it does feel more natural. "Okay, okay, I got this."
"See? Just keep it up, breathe in and out, don't panic, and if you go down, don't worry; I'll be here to help you up."
I nod and he releases my elbow so that we are just holding hands, giving me more room to move.
"Are you ready to speed up?"
"I think so," I say hesitantly, but he doesn't give me time to rethink my words before we pick up the pace. I yelp as we round a corner and I am certain I'm going to bust my ass, but when I stay upright, he looks at me and I grin.
"I told you you could do it, Desi," Cannon says as we come up on the next corner. "Let's try again, just lean into the turn and—"
But I guess I lean in too far because the next thing I know, I'm falling straight for the ice and I'm on my ass in a matter of seconds.
And it is not only really fucking cold, it is harder than a damn slab of concrete. "Ow!" I exclaim, staring up at him, my bottom lip protruding in a pout.
"Mistakes happen." He pulls me up and doesn't give me time to ruminate on my throbbing backside. We are off again. He turns and skates backward, and I use his hands as a crutch similar to the walkers little kids are using around us. "You should have seen me as a kid. I would fall all the time, and my pops would help me up and tell me to work through it. The sooner I learned how to stay on my feet, the quicker I could get to the reward."
"Reward?" I say, my ears perking up. "What's the reward?" I hold his hands tight and glide along the ice, feeling a little more confident when I'm able to look into his face as we skate.
He tilts his head toward the sky, which is now black with millions of twinkling stars. "For you, it's that you're ice skating during one of the most amazing autumn nights I've ever seen."
I look up and back into his blue eyes, which are twinkling just as brightly as the stars above. "You're right. It's gorgeous."
"I've always liked when everything around me just goes quiet. Nothing but the sound of skates on ice is really simple...peaceful. Also, it's the closest I've ever gotten to feeling like I'm flying."
For someone who lives such a fast-paced life and wreaks a little chaos wherever he goes, I'm surprised to hear that he likes when things slow down. I've always pictured Cannon as a ball of energy that thrives on the madness. Shoes thrown around and dishes left unclean, he is a mess. Yet on the inside, he desires the calm.
And calm is exactly what I need. It's what I came here to find. So why am I not trying harder to make this work? I like Cannon. I like hanging out with him. I like the way his hand feels in mine. Are there fireworks when he kisses me? Maybe not, but there is a feeling of warmth and...safety. He makes me feel safe. I may not be in love with Cannon, but I can learn to love him and be his partner. We could have an eternity of inside jokes, joyous dinner dates, and long nights talking about our favorite things. He may never be my perfect eternal partner, but who would be? Nobody's perfect. But Cannon can be the friend I need in a realm where I feel so out of place.
I can trust him to do what he says he's going to do. And if he says he's going to be there to pick me up when I fall, I know he will be. In fact, I feel like I could fly with him.
I pull him toward me, and we collide, his hands gripping my hips. I bring my arms around his neck and whisper against his lips, "Let me feel what it's like to fly with you."
"Hang on."
He skates slowly at first, letting me get used to the movements of us together. Left foot. Right foot. Back and forth until we fall in sync and take off around the rink. It's a little clumsy, not at all the smooth dance I shared with Jace, but it is filled with laughter and squeals. We move so quickly that my hair whips around my face and creates frizzy curls. Cannon is a marble statue of perfection with a bright, wide smile and shimmering blue eyes. We are a little bit of chaos and calm all rolled into one.
My face is so cold that it's starting to go numb, and Cannon raises his palm to my cheek, brushing his thumb across it. "You're freezing," he murmurs. "Let's go get some hot cocoa, yeah?"
I nod as he slows us down, and we exit the rink, stopping to remove our skates and put our boots back on. It feels strange to walk on solid ground again, and I feel a little lightheaded from all the spinning. Cannon keeps me tucked close to his side, as if he can sense my instability. He settles me in a giant plush swing hanging between two massive trees and promises he'll be back with something to warm me up.
He walks off toward the stand that advertises drinks and treats, and I pull my phone out of my pocket to check it. There's a text from Meredith asking how the date is going, and I find myself grinning as I text her back to tell her I'm having a fantastic time.
I slide my phone back into my coat pocket just as Cannon comes back with the cocoa, handing me the steaming mug before sitting right next to me. I snuggle in against him, relishing in his body heat. "Thank you," I say, taking a tiny sip. "Oh my God, that is the best hot cocoa I've ever tasted!"
"I got them to add some peppermint for you. I remember you said one time that you liked peppermint chocolate."
I did say that once. In passing. The fact that he remembered was incredibly sweet.
"Oh, I also got you a brownie," he says, handing me a small square wrapped in wax paper.
My eyes light up and I take the treat from him. "Ooh, you really do know what I like."
"I can't help it. I pay attention to you."
"You do. Why is that?"
He takes a slow swig from his cup while watching the skaters swirl around the ice. "I've never met anyone like you before, and you intrigue me. It's vital that I learn whatever I can about you." He glances at me with a tight-lipped smile.
"Vital? That makes me sound really important. I think you may be giving me too much credit, Cannon," I say, taking the last bite of my brownie.
"Aren't you? Your dad thinks you're important enough to need a husband before you can help him in his position. I'm not sure what that's all about, but it sounds complicated and life changing."
I sigh and take the last swig of my cocoa, setting the mug on the ground underneath the swing and snuggling back against him. "Yeah, he does. And by the way, I'm not—I'm not trying to force you into that. I'm still okay with going back and taking the other—other option," I stammer, unsure of how to explain what the other option would be without explaining the truth about what I am. "I just want to spend time with you while I'm here."
"I never thought you were forcing me into anything. Besides, I like to think of myself as a smart businessman, and you've given me little details about your life. For all I know your father owns a lucrative goat farm." Cannon laughs and shakes his head like he's trying to wipe away an asinine image. "Could you imagine me on a goat farm?"
I giggle and turn my face into his chest, resting my hand on his sternum. "No, I can't. But you don't have to worry; my dad doesn't own a goat farm. You really wouldn't have to deal too much with him at all. You'd be more my right-hand man." My face flushes. "Not that you'd go back with me or anything."
Cannon tilts my chin and looks down at me. "You never know, Desi. Show me that there is something bigger and better than this life with you in it, and I just might sign up."