A/N: Hello again! So, I'm back very soon with another chapter... I mean, I'm trying to update frequently, but, by doing so, I'm putting off everything else, so I don't know how long I can keep up these frequent updates. But I'll do it as long as I can.
Anyways, I present to you, Chapter 22!
Jab. Front kick. Cross punch. Knee. Hook. Roundhouse kick. Uppercut. Side kick.
I methodically hit the bag, using the techniques taught to us in the first stage of training. My muscles burn, but it feels good. It makes me feel powerful, alive.
I'm technically not supposed to be in the training room when we're not, well, training, as I'm still an initiate, but I know Tobias won't tell on me, if he's the one to find me. If it isn't Tobias, well, I'm probably screwed.
It's a stupid rule anyway; why would they try and restrict their initiates from using their free time to further their combat skills? Maybe if combat training in our free time was allowed, Sadie could have become better at fighting. Maybe she wouldn't have gotten kicked out, and Aiden wouldn't have a forlorn, heartbroken expression on his face every day, while sitting in the hall, waiting for our turn to go through the sims.
Jab. Front kick. Cross punch. Knee. Hook. Roundhouse kick. Uppercut. Side kick.
I've gotten stronger since I first joined Dauntless. Don't get me wrong, I'm almost certain that I was already stronger than the average Abnegation. Hours upon hours of volunteering in the sorting center does that to you. It may have killed my freshly-beaten back every time, but it ended up being worth it. Third in the first stage is probably more than anyone ever expected of an Abnegation transfer. The other factions underestimate us, or, at least, the ones who choose to leave. But I don't really blame them.
Jab. Front kick. Cross punch. Knee. Hook. Roundhouse kick. Uppercut. Side kick.
Sometimes, I look around, and I still find myself in awe at my surroundings. After sixteen years of gray walls and bland food and lowered heads and Marcus in all their glory, I'm out. If I make it through the simulations and the final exam, then I'll be Dauntless. I'll be one of the black-clothed, tattooed, brave people that always used to look untouchable to my younger self.
I always believed that the Dauntless were fearless, but now, the idea feels laughable. How can the Dauntless be fearless when I see initiates, transfers and Dauntless-borns alike, glance around in alarm every several seconds, shift uneasily at loud sounds and sudden movements, or wake up in the middle of the night screaming and crying, on the daily?
How can the Dauntless be fearless when I, a Dauntless initiate, am still too scared to face my greatest nightmare?
The Dauntless aren't fearless. The Dauntless are simply better than everyone else at keeping their fear in check.
Jab. Front kick. Cross punch. Knee. Hook. Roundhouse kick. Uppercut. Side kick.
I have gotten to know fear quite intimately these past few days.
It's been another four days, with four new fears. Thankfully, Marcus never appeared again in any of them. Instead, I got quicksand (which Tobias said was less about the quicksand and more about losing control), bugs (Tobias was laughing his head off about it in our Chasm meeting that night, at least until I mentioned his fear of heights), ranking too low and getting thrown out of Dauntless (that one really shook me, because it was a real possibility), and confinement.
Now, fear permeates the air around all of the initiates. Because each and every initiate thought they knew fear, and they all thought wrong.
Tobias said that my simulation times, excepting the second one, were really good, and he expects me to rank high. And, the fact that I showed no signs of divergence, combined with my lack of fear-induced behavioral changes compared to the other initiates, could make the Dauntless leaders and Jeanine Matthews believe that I'm actually just really brave, not Divergent.
Jab. Front kick. Cross punch. Knee. Hook. Roundhouse kick. Uppercut. Side kick.
My friends have asked me how I'm so unaffected by the simulations. I want to tell them I'm not unaffected; my nightmares are more vivid than before, and I scan every room I walk into for potential exits. I'm just better at hiding it.
Because my fears are scary, but none of them top Marcus. And I had to live with him for sixteen years.
I learned to hide any and all fear in that house. It is that skill that is helping me throw off suspicion about my Divergence. In a way, Marcus is saving my life, and I hate it. Because I would risk exposing the divergence of both my brother and I in a heartbeat if it meant Tobias and I didn't have to go through the hell that we did.
Jab. Front kick. Cross punch. Knee. Hook. Roundhouse kick. Uppercut. Side kick.
Today's fear was especially haunting; I imagined that Tobias, Lavender, Ethan, Julia, Juniper, Kian, Chloe, and Rowan were standing in a line in front of me, and I had a gun in my hand. I cringed at the sight of my brother. There goes the plans of hiding our relation. But that thought had quickly faded from my mind, with what came next. To my horror, my arm had started lifting up of its own accord. Somehow, my mouth still worked, and I screamed, trying to get my arm to stop going up, but it was no use. I couldn't control my fingers, and my right pointer finger squeezed the trigger, bullets hitting all my friends and family one by one, as they stared at me with betrayed eyes.
Jab. Front kick. Cross punch. Knee. Hook. Roundhouse kick. Uppercut. Side kick.
After the sim was over, I had looked at Tobias, and started blabbering, my hysteria getting the best of me.
"I tried- oh, god, I tried to make it stop, but my arm wouldn't stop, and you all died-"
"Cammi, calm down." He replied, putting his hands on my shoulders. He didn't say anything else, but his squeezing hands and solemn eyes, full of no anger or pity, only sadness, which I suspect was for me rather than him, spoke volumes. You wouldn't do that. I could hear the words as clearly as I would if he were saying them out loud. They trust you. I trust you.
I don't doubt that - my friends and my brother have shown their trust for me in so many ways.
It's myself I don't trust.
I would never hurt them purposely - I know that. But I could hurt them accidentally. And I would never forgive myself.
After that, I came straight to the training room. That was hours ago, but the haunting images of everyone I love on the ground, bleeding out, dying by my hand, still haven't left my brain.
Jab. Front kick. Cross punch. Knee. Hook. Roundhouse-
"Hey."
The sudden, unexpected voice, coming from the training room doors, makes me freeze in the middle of my roundhouse kick. Of course, my momentum doesn't stop, and I crash to the floor.
I push myself into a sitting position and turn to face the person who found me. To my relief, it's Tobias. He is, however, chuckling at my reaction to his voice. "You are way too easy to surprise."
"Hey." I get to my feet and face him, hands on my hips defensively. "I was focused on the bag, alright? Let me come interrupt you in your workout someday, then you can talk."
He rolls his eyes. "I actually came to tell you that the stage 2 rankings are going up in the dormitory soon. You probably want to be there."
"But I thought no cuts were made after stage 2?"
"There aren't. It's just a check-up and wake-up call to the initiates. Like, who is where."
"Ah." I shake out my abused, thankfully wrapped, hands, which have been tightly clenched into fists for quite a while. "Well, then, what are we waiting for? Let's go."
Tobias doesn't say anything, just nods in confirmation and moves to my side as we walk out the doors, placing a hand on my back.
The warmth of his hand is usually comforting, supportive, but today, it does nothing but take me back to the sims.
Why do you trust me so much? I want to ask him. When I could hurt you so badly?
Feeling undeserving of his trust and love, I shrug the hand off.
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see that his face shifts a little. A little bit of hurt flashes across it, disappearing just as quickly.
Great, Camilla. You tried to protect him from yourself, and only hurt him more.
The rest of the walk back is silent.
When we reach the entrance to the dorm, Tobias turns back to me.
"I'll go in first, alright?"
"Sure."
"Hey, Cam." The use of my nickname makes me look up. Tobias meets my gaze, reaching a hand towards my shoulder hesitantly.
Tobias never hesitates when touching me. Another flash of guilt stabs me in the gut. This was my doing.
But he does place his hand on my shoulder after a second. "You've done great." Is all he says. He lets his hand sit there for another second, before turning and walking into the dorm.
After a minute or two, I walk in as well.
All the initiates are gathered at the other end of the room. Tobias and Eric are at the front, looking only at the initiates, avoiding each other like the plague. Eric is holding a chalkboard similarly to how Tobias did when he revealed the stage 1 rankings, so we can't see the names on the other side.
I join Lavender, Ethan, and Julia, who are clustered together. Julia is the first to spot me. When she does, she raises her arm that isn't in a cast and waves, smiling broadly. I smile, back, stepping up to Lavender's other side.
As soon as I do, Eric lifts the board and hangs it on the nail. It feels like everyone in the room is holding their breath. And then, he steps aside.
I scan the list from the bottom up. Ethan, Aiden, Lavender, Zayden, Julia...
Cammi.
My breath hitches. I can feel gazes turning to me.
I'm first.
I then scan the average times. Lavender and Ethan both got averages above the ten-minute mark. Zayden's was only a little under ten. Julia, the second, got an average time of six minutes, forty-nine seconds.
My average was four minutes, thirty-one seconds. I beat her by over two minutes.
I stare at the board, unable to comprehend how I jumped from third to first, all because of some simulations.
Am I really more mentally strong than Julia and Zayden? Or is Divergence that much of an advantage in the second stage?
I turn my gaze to Tobias as soon as I am able. He doesn't outwardly react, just sends me a small, but proud, smile that makes my heart swell.
Finally, the silence is broken by Julia, Lavender, and Ethan, who all simultaneously try to congratulate me.
"Congratulations, Cammi!" That's Lavender, smiling widely at me.
"Never thought you had it in you." Ethan jokes. He gets a glare that shuts him up right away.
"Good job!" Out of all of them, Julia is probably smiling the biggest. Her smile lights up her whole face.
I don't understand how she is so happy for me. After all, she trained for years in combat, and lost her first-place spot to an Abnegation transfer, who had the unfair advantage of knowing what was coming in the second stage, as well as awareness in the simulations.
But I accept the gesture wholeheartedly. My friends have become rocks in my life, and I should be glad that they won't alienate me because of petty things like jealousy.
"Thank you all." My voice is warm and sincere as I address my friends. "I think you all did really well, too."
Ethan grimaces. "It still landed me last. Hopefully the last stage is easier."
"Yeah." Lavender agrees. "Hopefully."
"Hey." A new voice interrupts our celebrations. All four of us turn at the same time - it's actually quite comical - to see Aiden, awkwardly standing behind us, dragging his foot back and forth on the stone floor. "I just wanted to say, congrats, Cammi. And you too, Julia. You guys both did amazing in the sims." He smiles shyly.
"Thank you, Aiden." I return his smile, touched by the sentiment.
"Yeah, thanks. I don't think we'll be getting much praise from Mr. Mad over there." Julia discretely jerks her thumb at Zayden, who is glaring at the group of us, steam practically coming out of his ears.
Aiden chuckles. "Yeah, no. That's your problem, though, sorry." He stuffs his hands in his pockets. "I think I'm going to... just go on a walk. See you guys around then."
Without another word, he briskly walks towards the dormitory doors. I glance around the room and see that Tobias and Eric have left unnoticed - probably to let us celebrate. The only one besides my friends in the room now is Zayden - who, I now see, is storming towards us angrily.
"Uh oh." I murmur under my breath. But that's all I get out before Zayden reaches us - me, in particular. Before I know it, he's standing in my face, looking ready to punch me.
"How does a Stiff like you," he sneers, "Rank first in Dauntless initiation? Huh?"
I notice that my friends have all tensed, and are watching Zayden carefully. Lavender has even taken a step towards him, ready to pounce if need be. I resist the urge to smile at the loyalty of my friends. Why fate decided to give them to me, I don't know.
But I turn my attention back to the snarling Zayden. His expression is all too familiar. I've seen it plenty of times on another head, in another faction.
"I worked hard." My answer is truthful. I did work hard, in both combat and the sims, to get where I am now. "I tried my best."
"Bullshit! Everyone knows that the Abnegation hoard the food meant for the factionless. They don't have a hardworking bone in their bodies." I feel a spark of anger at the reference to Erudite's lies. Abnegation may not have been a pleasant home for me, but its people are good people. They take care of everyone they can, spending hours upon hours volunteering to sort, pack, and hand out the food to the factionless, as well as many other activities.
The spark threatens to turn into an inferno the longer it lingers, but I force myself to quench it. I can't lose control in front of him. So, I stay silent.
Apparently, Zayden takes this as an invitation to keep going. "Oh wait, I know! It was your daddy, wasn't it?" The spark lights again. "After he beat you into the ground-" It starts growing. "-he put you through your worst fears, just to torture you, didn't he?" It becomes a blaze. "I bet he did that to your brother, too, didn't he?"
And it becomes untamable.
My fists clench. I don't care that Zayden is insulting me - he's only doing it to feel important.
But no one insults my brother, not the way that Zayden just did.
How dare he.
How dare he.
Zayden is dead.
I'm about to swing the first punch, but Julia gets to him first.
She tackles him to the ground, quickly and efficiently pinning his arms and legs with her own limbs, despite her injured wrist, using her casted elbow as a substitute. Lavender and Ethan flank her, expressions stormy.
"You asshole!" She growls. Zayden, for once, looks scared. He squirms, but Julia refuses to let him go. "You stupid, petty, jackass of a boy. Cammi beat you. I beat you. Get over yourself. Cammi shut up and worked for every point she got. You walked around like your arrogant self and bragged about your skills. No wonder you didn't ever rank first."
This seems to set Zayden off. The fear evaporates from his face, and he clenches his jaw and hisses, "The only reason I didn't rank first in the first stage is because of you and your three years of training before initiation - an unfair advantage. Erudite probably trained you for the sims as well, didn't they? And your friend, that scrawny, little Abnegation, just outranked all of you." He swivels his head to look at Ethan and Lavender. "That shouldn't be possible. She's weak. She's just playing everyone to get such high scores. I don't know why none of you see that!"
"Because it's not there, you half-witted moron." Julia seethes. "You know, sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid rather than open it and remove all doubt."
"She's stronger than you'll ever be." Ethan buts in.
"You're just making up excuses as to why you didn't get first." Lavender.
"You-" He cuts himself off, breathing heavily for a moment, before speaking again. But this time, his words are directed at me. "Hey, Stiff." My blood boils. He's trying to rile me up. He's just trying to get a reaction. "I wonder what fears your daddy put your brother through. Do you think-"
Before Zayden can even finish that sentence, Julia's fist meets his forehead.
"Well, we better call someone to take out the trash." She gets up, wiping some invisible sweat from her forehead. Then, she turns to me, and her face instantly morphs into one of concern. "Cammi! What's wrong?"
It's only then do I realize that there are unspilled tears in my eyes.
My friends, my loyal friends. They just defended me with everything they had from Zayden and his taunts. Julia did so while nursing an injury. And they're checking if I'm alright.
What did I do to deserve them?
It's not an incredible sign of distress. But it's enough to garner their concern. Lavender and Ethan join Julia, and they look just as worried.
"I-It's nothing, just-" I push the tears back, and swallow hard. "Thank you guys. For... for defending me a-and my family."
"Of course, Cammi." Lavender's face softens. "We're your friends. We'll always defend you."
"Unless you're going against Julia. I refuse to face her wrath." Ethan's joke lightens the tension in the room. Lavender elbows him, causing him to yelp. Julia sends him a stink eye. I hide my smile behind my hand.
"Woah, what happened here?" All of us whip around, muscles tense, only for them to relax as we take in the sight of Kian, Chloe, Juniper, and Rowan, standing in the doorframe.
"Oh, Zayden got pissed about being ranked third in the transfer group." Ethan shifts to the side, so the Dauntless-borns can see Zayden's unconscious body. "Started insulting Cammi and her older brother, who's also in Dauntless. Julia knocked him out."
Rowan's gaze immediately goes to my face. "Are you alright?"
I wave him off, my blood already cooling now that Zayden is finally quiet. "Yeah. He was being an asshole. If Julia didn't knock him out, I would have. I was definitely pissed enough."
"We all were." Lavender adds.
"Well, I can't say he doesn't deserve it." Chloe quips. "Anyways, how did you guys rank?"
"Cammi over here," Julia places a hand on my shoulder. "Is first. I'm second, Lavender is fourth, and Ethan is sixth."
"Wow. Nice job, Cammi!" Juniper exclaims. The rest of the Dauntless-born are quick to follow in congratulations. I blush as all of the attention is diverted to me.
"Thanks, you guys. How did you guys do?"
"The twins jumped to the top." Juniper slings an affectionate arm over Kian's shoulder, who plants a kiss on her cheek, and another over Chloe's. "Chloe got first, and Kian was less than ten seconds behind her in average time. Rowan was third, and I got fourth." Juniper doesn't seem too bothered by her drop in rank, just like Julia. Once again, I wonder how all of these loyal people managed to run into one another.
But my small smile quickly turns to a frown when I analyze what Juniper just said.
Chloe and Kian jumped to the top. Just like I did.
Then again, they could just be that brave. After all, that's what everyone thinks of me.
Who are Chloe and Kian, really?
"Those are great ranks! What do you say to some celebrating?" Julia's comments bring me out of thought.
The Dauntless-borns perk up instantly. "I, at least, will never say no to that." Rowan proclaims.
"Where are we heading?" Ethan questions.
Juniper, Kian, Chloe, and Rowan all turn their heads to look at each other. And, simultaneously, they all grin.
Then, in the blink of an eye, one of them is beside each one of us. Rowan stands beside me, Kian is paired with Ethan, Juniper has run up to Julia, and Chloe is next to Lavender.
"We have an idea. Come on." Chloe starts running out the dormitory door, pulling Lavender behind her. My eyes flick to Zayden, who's still laying on the cold, hard floor, and I consider moving him to the infirmary.
Then, his words ring in my ears. I bet he did that to your brother, too, didn't he?
The thought of taking him to the infirmary disappears instantly. He deserves much worse than waking up on a stone floor.
I move my eyes back up to my friends just in time to see Kian and Ethan running out the doors. A quick glance tells me that Juniper and Julia are already gone.
"Come on." Rowan doesn't pull me along with a hand on my arm, like Chloe did to Lavender. Instead, he laces the finger of my left hand with his right, and starts tugging me into a run gently. As soon as he touches me, my hand starts tingling.
Suddenly, it feels like I can't breathe. But Rowan doesn't seem to notice. I don't know how he does it; just like that day in the tattoo parlor, I can't stop looking at where his hand touches mine. Is that just my Abnegation roots?
But I don't want to trip over a rock and injure myself, or something like that, so I tear my gaze from our joined hands and keep running beside Rowan.
For a moment, I allow myself to forget everything. I forget Marcus, I forget the simulation from today, I forget Zayden's anger about the rankings.
All that matters is that I'm in Dauntless, celebrating our rankings with my friends, being pulled along by a boy that somehow makes me laugh and blush. All that matters is that in this moment, I'm not pulling along the chains of my past anymore. I will undoubtedly have to pull them along again once the fun is done, but that doesn't matter.
For now, I am free.
A/N: And that's a wrap!
Firstly, I used a little bit of creative interpretation when it came to rankings. You see, in Divergent, there were only seven transfer initiates remaining at the time of the second rankings, because there were initially nine transfer initiates that made it to the compound, and Edward and Myra were eliminated in the first stage. Yet Christina and Will respectively ranked seventh and ninth, suggesting that the Dauntless-borns and transfers were ranked together. But, later, when Tris is with Uriah, Marlene, and Lynn, Lynn says that she got first. But Tris got first in the rankings. This implies that the transfers and Dauntless-borns were ranked separately. Those scenes contradicted each other, so I made the executive decision to have the transfers and Dauntless-borns ranked separately, in this story.
Second order of business, I know that Tris' transfer friends all basically doubted her and abandoned her after rankings, because they were jealous. But Lavender, Ethan, and Julia are not Christina, Will, and Al. I didn't want a replay of the first part of Chapter 21 in Divergent, and I also decided that abandoning Cammi wouldn't fit with the kind of people they are. I've always thought of Lavender, Ethan, and Julia as fiercely loyal people when writing them. Sure, just like Tris' transfer friends, they have their flaws, but jealousy isn't one of them. So instead of questioning Cammi, they knocked Zayden unconscious for her instead. He got wrecked. :)
Oh, and let's all agree right now that Julia has some serious skills, being able to pin Zayden with an injured wrist. She's badass, and I love it.
Okay, so the book of the day is...
Night! (By Elie Wiesel)
This book is a memoir of a young Jewish teen trying to survive the Nazi concentration camps of Auschwitz and Buchenwald with his father. I had to read it for school, but I really enjoyed it! It offers a real, completely-true look into the lives of the Jewish during the awful time we know as the Holocaust.
Okay, so the author actually passed away in 2016 (RIP Elie Wiesel, we will miss you), and I can't find an official page for the book, so here is a list by the Elie Wiesel Foundation of all his books, including Night: https://eliewieselfoundation.org/elie-wiesel/books-elie-wiesel/
And here is a page by the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum about him and Night, his best-known work: https://www.ushmm.org/collections/bibliography/elie-wiesel
I may or may not see you guys next week. I hope I'll see you next week. Because everyone that read Divergent knows what's coming next. *dramatic music*
Please forgive me in advance for any editing mistakes I have made. I usually just skim my chapter two-three times after writing and fix any mistakes I spot, and that's all the editing I do. And I am a poor sleep-deprived high schooler posting late on a Sunday night with testing season coming up.
Adios, y gracias por leer, mi estrellas!