Voice: A response, from the Director of Project Freelancer. Dear Chairman.
Fade into the old familiar Gulch
Director: While I am obligated to assist your investigation, I ask that you not waste my time with irrelevant questions. My agency is normally unconcerned with such minute directives as troop reassignment. Except of course, in the most critical of matters.
Cut to Washington in front of an apparently abandoned Blue Base
Washington: Hello? Hello? Anybody here?
Radio sounds
Washington: Recovery One calling Command. Come in Command.
Command: Go ahead Recovery One, we have you.
Washington: I'm at Outpost 1-A. Looks deserted.
Command: Roger that. See if you can find any evidence that would suggest where they all might have-
An angry, yellow-armored soldier appears in the base
Sister: Hey! A-hole! What's with all the noise? People are trying to sleep here!
Washington: Um... scratch that Command. It appears I've found someone. Recovery One out.
Sister descends the ramp slowly as if hungover
Sister: Ohhh man.
Washington: Hi. I'm Agent Washington. This is Blue Base, correct?
Sister: It was.
Washington: Was?
Sister: Everybody's gone. Transferred. Something about this base being obsolete now, or, whatever.
Washington: Right. Where did they go?
Sister: I don't know! All different places. Nobody told me anything.
Washington: Well, I'm trying to locate some people who have experience with the Freelancer program.
Sister: Freelancer? Is that the band we had here last night?
Washington: You had a party here?
Sister: Hyeah! I throw raves every night. Charge five bucks a head. Last night, I made ten bucks. Ooah ooah! Nice.
Washington: You use the base for raves? That doesn't seem like the proper use for official resources.
Sister: What're you, like a cop or something?
Washington: No.
Sister: 'Cause if you are, and I ask you, then you have to tell me. That's totally a law or something.
Washington: I'm not the police. And that's not a real law.
Sister: Well if you're not a cop, then how do you know it's not a real law? Busted!
Washington: You caught me. Hey, is there anybody else... smart... here that I can talk to?
Sister: Hyeah, right. Like I'm gonna tell you. I don't rat people out. Cop.
Washington: Okay, I'm gonna leave now. Good luck with your empty base and your raging insanity.
Sister: Hyeah? Whatever! Good luck with being a cop, cop!
Cut to Washington approaching Red Base, and some more radio sounds
Washington: Come in Command.
Command: Hello Washington. We have you. How was the investigation at Blue Base?
Washington: Enlightening. Going to try the red base now, I'm hoping things there will be a little more...
A pink popup of Donut springs up for no apparent reason
Washington: ...normal.
Sarge-as-Donut: Halt, in the name of the red- (clears throat) I mean, lightish red army. This base is operating at full capacity. And if you come in here, you're gonna get into a big uhn-uh slap-fight!
Washington: Heuhhh... I'm gonna have to call you back.
Sarge-as-Donut: Don't come any further, ooh la la.
As Washington continues approaching, a maroon popup of Simmons springs out from behind a rock
Sarge-as-Simmons: This is your last warning, stay out! I love math!
Washington: What in the...
Sarge-as-Simmons: Your only hope of survival is to kiss my commander's ass!
Washington continues on and an grey pop up of Alex appears out of nowhere
Sarge-as-Alex: Frezz I know the last warning was your last one but this is your last last warning my mother is a bitch and my father a dirty blue so leave before you get beaten.
Washington walks pass the popup and continues walking an orange popup of Grif filled with bullet holes seems to appear from out of nowhere
Sarge-as-Grif: And this is another warning: I know the other warning was supposed to be last, but I never listen to orders, 'cause I'm too lazy and stupid! And ugly. Did I mention ugly?
Washington: This is gonna be a waste of time, I can tell already.
Sarge pops up in front of Washington
Sarge: Yeah, freeze intruder! Stop yer intrudin' right there.
Washington: Who made these things?
Sarge: I did.
Washington: Wait, you're real?
A rifle clicks behind Washington and the Alex popup is gone and the real Alex is pointing his rifle at Washington
Alex: So am I and how many times will we do this Sarge?
Sarge: Of course I am. You fell for a classic misdirection. I still got it. Heh heh. We will do this until all the blues die.
Alex: (sigh) I hate my life
Lopez: [Everything OK out here?]
Sarge: We're fine, Lopez. Just caught myself a dirty Blue. How many does that make this week?
Lopez: Uno.
Sarge: Yahtzee. We're on a hot streak!
Alex: Sarge I'm not shure this guy is a blue I heard Sister shouting at him.
Sarge: Nonsense that was a blue trick.
Washington: Uh, I'm not actually a Blue. I'm from Command.
Sarge lowers his shotgun Alex also lowers his rifle
Sarge: Command, no kiddin'. I didn't think we were due for inspection.
Alex: Umm Sarge is the stuff gone.
Sarge: Umm Nooo we have it still
Washington: You're not. I was hoping you could tell me about the soldiers transferred out of this outpost.
Sarge: You mean Grif and Simmons? Those traitors. I told 'em not to go! The battle here isn't even over yet.
Alex: Honestly I wanted to ship out but sarge threatened me and I cought him once about to hit me with his shot gun. I also promised Grif I would make shure sarge didn't kill his sister.
Sarge: Like I sees this battle Isn't done.
Washington: Um, it looks over to me.
Sarge: Not while there's a single Blue left in this canyon. Which there is: a single Blue. Victory, or death.
Washington: I see.
Sarge: That's why I refused my relocation orders. Obviously, Command wasn't thinkin' clearly.
Washington: So, you're both AWOL then.
Alex: Agin Sarge threatened me.
Sarge: I uh... A-what?
Cut to an over the shoulder shot of Sister
Sister: Don't tell him anything until you talk to a lawyer! You have rights!
Washington: I'm not a cop!
Sarge: Hey! Beat it ya little tramp! Ya see why I can't go?
Washington: Why not just attack her and win then? It would take about ten seconds.
Sister: You're old and I hate you!
Alex: Go backs to blue bace sister.
Sarge: That's the problem! I can't attack a girl. So we're locked, in an epic stalemate.
Washington: You're kidding me.
Alex: Sarge let's just nock her out or trick her into going somewhere else.
Sarge: Plus she's cookin' somethin' up. And I gotta be ready. I hear her runnin' training ops every night! I see them out there with their glow sticks and their tribal drum beats: oom chicka oom chicka oom chicka oom chicka.
Alex: Sarge those are her parties.
Sarge: I don't care you still have to do you spying!
Alex: For the last time I am not spying I am going to the party.
Washington: Well. This has been really... informative. But I need to find someone who has experience with artificial intelligence.
Sarge: Alright. You want Caboose then. He got infected for a little while I think.
Alex: Technically most of us were infected but it was in Caboose the longest.
Washington: Great! Caboose! Do you know where he is? Wait you all got infected.
Sarge: Of course it was while we were dealing with tex. As for the orders we intercepted them . I got it right here. Lopez!
Lopez: Sí.
Sarge: Get this guy the Blue Team relocation orders.
Lopez: Sí.
Sarge: Lopez probably converted it into Spanish, so they might be a little hard to understand.
Washington: Yeah. They wouldn't be the first thing today.
Sister: Shut up cop!
Washington: So will one of you come with me I may need help.
Alex: I'll go I need to get my armor though.
Sarge: Oh no you don't!
Alex: I can keep an eye on this guy and see if he is a blue.
Sarge: Ok.